Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own InuYasha or anything remotely resembling InuYasha. Now, on with the story.
Sango watched as the water in her cupped hands slowly leaked away. She couldn't help but imagine it was her life, slowly trickling out through unseen cracks. Lifting another handful, she finished refreshing herself and stood up. It was a sunny day, already warming with the dawn; the fresh, moist feel of spring now replacing the chill of winter. To many people it would be a good day; a strong, new day, but for Sango, it was just one more meaningless part of her seemingly empty existence.
Why? She thought, why me? Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy of even the barest shred of happiness? Oh fate was cruel alright, with a twisted sense of humor to boot. Sango sighed and made her way to the path that led back to Kaede's village, just as it would always lead back to Kaede's village, just as she would always follow it. It seemed all her actions had become routine since they'd defeated Naraku, and everything had become pointless since, since… No, she refused to think about that. The pain was still to raw.
Passing the rice fields, and entering the village, Sango watched as the villagers went about their business. She watched with stabs of envy, as mothers led their children by the hand, doing chores, or chatting with friends. Oh didn't their life seem good. So warm, so complete, surrounded by their families as they were. With that thought the pain that Sango always carried now, seemed to escalate. She had no real family and by the looks of things it was unlikely she ever would. In her opinion, the truly galling part was that she had been so close too, so close to achieving some small semblance of peace. In a matter of months though, it had all changed.
Three months previously
Sango sat outside the hut mending her armor and keeping one eye on the road. Miroku was due back at any time now and Sango was anxious to have him back. Before he had left to perform an exorcism in a nearby town, Sango had held him, and kissed him with the sort of hurry-back-home-for-more type kiss. Sango was most definitely looking forward to more.
It was amazing, she thought, to love like this. She'd loved her family of course, but this was different. It was thrilling, an endless run of heightened emotions. That stirring, swooping feeling deep inside. Sango felt like she could just float away on that feeling. Being with Miroku, hearing his voice, and seeing his smile, helped to dull her heartache. When she dreamt about Kohaku, he was always there to sooth her in her anguish. To Sango, it seemed like everything was alright again.
As the day went on, the sun sank lower and lower in the sky, until finally, it was a great, red orb perched on the edge of the horizon. It was at this moment that Sango spied Miroku rounding the first bend in the path, staff clanking and robes swishing. In an instant her insides burst into excited flutters. Nearly dropping the basket she'd been holding, she ran at him, embracing with as much emotion as she could muster after their nearly three days of separation. Much to her surprise however, he did not return her affection with the bone crushing she'd been expecting. Puzzled, Sango looked into his face and saw distress as well as… sorrow? What could be wrong? What could have happened to make his eyes, those beautiful, indigo eyes go cloudy like that?
"Miroku?" Sango questioned, "What…"
"We, I," he struggled with his words, "I need to tell you something."
It disturbed Sango to here his usually laughing voice so concerned but she replied as firmly as ever. "Alright, let's go inside then."
Once inside and seated, Miroku fixed her with an intense stare, as though taking in everything about her as well as steeling himself to say something.
At last he said, "Sango, you know how I've had, er, relations with a number of women in the past right?"
"Yes," she replied slowly, feeling her trepidation mounting with each passing second.
"Well," he continued, "as it happens, I met one such woman in the next town over and well, I, as it turns out she, she…" he trailed off there looking for all the world like every word was costing him an enormous price.
Now Sango's worry was turning into fear. She just had to know what had happened. "Go on," she urged.
Taking a deep breath, Miroku met her eyes once more and continued with his story or perhaps confession. "She, has a child and…"
At that point Sango interrupted, "and it's yours," she said.
"Yes," was all he replied.
A silence descended then, spiraling horribly, blanketing them both. After several minutes, Sango forced her now reluctant mouth to ask, "What are you going to do?" The question was futile though. She knew, since the moment she'd seen his face that day she had known what his course of action would be.
Miroku's response was quiet and choked, "Sango," he said, "Sango, I, I love you. I love you so much it, it hurts me to say this but I…"
"I know," she said, "I know what you have to do. You wouldn't be the Miroku I love if you didn't."
He took her in his arms then, just as the tears started to flow down her face. For a long while that sat there, together, as the stars began to move across the sky. Finally, they drew apart and looked at each other. As Sango wiped the remnants of tears from her face and eyes, she was surprised to see Miroku doing the same. Suddenly, with the realization that he was suffering just as much as her, the pain seemed to worsen. It just wasn't fair, she thought, that fate should always interfere like this.
"Listen Sango," Miroku said abruptly, "I don't want you to think I'm just casting you off, because this woman, Mai, is, well she was living with her grandmother but her grandmother has died and now she has no where else to go. I can't just leave my daughter on the streets," he was babbling now, "I mean now that everything's over and the curse is lifted and I can actually have a life, I've got to take responsibility for the things I've done. I've got to stop screwing around, not that I've been screwing around with you, but I've got to own up to my mistakes."
Before he could continue, Sango interrupted, "It's okay Miroku, you don't have to explain. I understand." It was true, she did understand but that didn't stop the horrible wrenching feeling deep within her gut. It was like someone had stabbed her with her own knife. "Miroku?" she said after a moments pause, "before you go, will you kiss me? One last time?"
Silently, he bent his head to comply with her request, giving her one last, searing kiss. In that moment she tried, desperately like a drowning man clinging to life, to grasp every sweet memory of Miroku she could, and hold it close. After all, this would probably be the last time she could be with him as a lover rather than a friend or neighbor as she was likely to be soon. She knew this would be the last time she'd would be able to kiss him and hold him. Hell, it might very well be the last time she kissed anyone. At 21 she was well past marriageable age.
At long last Miroku broke away and looked at her with such pain, such remorse, such love, that it almost made her cry again. She wouldn't though, she wouldn't give in and sob. Things had happened and tears couldn't change them.
Rising to his feet, Miroku met her gaze with that same horrible expression. "I have to go," he said.
Getting to her feet as well, Sango embraced him one last time at watched as he left the house. When he had disappeared from view, she turned around, blew out the lamp and went to bed. As she lay there, alone in the dark, she thought once again about all the good things that had happened between them; about his kisses, his smiles, about how it had felt to listen to his breathing after they'd made love. About how complete he'd made her feel. A long while later, Sango finally drifted off to sleep, her cheeks still wet, and her heart still aching.
The weeks that followed were hard for Sango. Miroku had brought his daughter and her mother to come and live with him. Sango was now staying with Kaede. Mai, the woman with whom Miroku had had the affair, turned out to be a small, street-wise woman with long, dark hair and even darker eyes. Her daughter Kaoru, was a boisterous 4 year old, who seemed to have inherited both her father's looks and gift with words. Try as she might, Sango couldn't find it within herself to resent either of them. It wasn't their fault, from what she'd heard it had been Miroku's idea. Miroku who was just refusing to let his daughter go hungry.
Sango sighed and sat down outside Kaede's hut watching Kaoru play tag with Shippo. There was a time when their antics would have amused her but not now. Nothing seemed to be getting through to her. Demon slaying had lost its color leaving Sango to watch with numb detachment as her friends went about their daily business. Overall, Sango was thoroughly depressed.
Quite suddenly, a shadow fell across the ground in front of Sango. Looking up she saw Mai, who, surprisingly seemed to be talking to her. "Huh?" she said having completely missed whatever it was Mai had said.
Mai just smiled. "I said, may I sit with you?"
"Oh," Sango answered still a little bewildered, "um, of course." She was however, able to scoot over quite gracefully making room on the bench for the other woman.
"Ahhhh," came Mai's relieved sight, "that's better. I tell ya, washing clothes all day sure reminds ya where yer muscles are and if I have to sew up one more ripped kimono I'm gonna let Kaoru run around stark naked." At this she sighed again and leaned back against the wall of the hut. " 'Course, I can't blame her, childhood's for havin ain't it."
Sango only nodded and rested her head against the wall as well.
After a while, Mai spoke again. "Ya know, Sango, I gotta tell ya. I really admire the way you've been takin' all this. If it had been me, there'd a been a lot more screamin and smashin. I mean, I pretty much ruined yer life and don't even bat an eyelash. That shows real strength in my opinion. Makes me feel pretty shitty too I can tell ya."
Through all this Sango had remained silent. She hadn't really considered Mai's point of view. Sango would feel guilty too if their situations had been reversed. Lost in thought, she almost missed Mai's next words.
"It's kinda ironic ya know."
Following her gaze Sango saw she was looking at Kaoru.
Mai's eyes were distant now, and just a little bit sad. "Some days I would give almost anything to go back in time and change things. To go back and tell myself not to flirt with all the handsome boys that came through the village. Especially, the charming monk types, but if I did that than Kaoru'd have never been born and I can't think of anything in the world that's more wonderful than her. Try as I might I just can't blame her for my mistakes."
As Mai grew silent, Sango looked at her, really looked at her, and saw dark eyes that were much to old for her young face. She saw hands that were already callused and slightly wrinkled from long days and hard work. She saw a woman who had grown up much to fast.
" 'Course," Mai said suddenly interrupting Sango's visual ponderings, "you know as well as I do that life can be a real bitch."
From the way she'd said it, Sango couldn't help but laugh at the statement. Oh she knew alright.
As their humor died away, Mai looked at Sango intently, one strand of dark hair falling into her face. "I really gotta envy you Sango," she said, "you've got so much freedom. I mean if you wanted to you get up and go where ever you wanted and there'd be nothing to stop you."
Sango smiled ruefully, "Oh I don't know," she said, "what's freedom if you're all alone?"
"Alone?" Mai looked confused.
"Yes," said Sango, "a while back, before I'd met Miroku, InyYasha, and Kagome, I lost my family, as well as my village to… demon attacks," it was mostly true but she wasn't quite ready to share all of her painful history, "so essentially yes, I am alone." She gave a small, bitter-sweet, smile. "I had wanted to start a family of my own, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen."
"Why not?" asked Mai, "I mean yer strong, and smart, and beautiful. Any man would be trippin over himself to have you."
Sango just smiled sadly, "I wish that were true," she said, "I really wish that were true."
"Ah cheer up," said Mai with slight grin, "all that stuff about the joys of child-birth is a load of crap anyway. I love Kaoru more than anything but I don't think she'll be getting a sibling anytime soon."
The two elapsed back into silence. Each seemingly lost in their own little world. Somewhere a bird called as the morning shifted into afternoon. The shrieks of delight emitting from Kaoru as she and Shippo harassed a helpless worm suddenly broke through Sango's day dream. Looking towards Mai she asked, her tone serious, "Was it hard? Raising Kaoru alone?"
"Mai seemed to consider it a moment before replying, "Well not so much at first, I lived with my grandmother see, and as a healer, people respected her, so they laid off. After she died though, oh, those were a bad couple of years, I was pretty much labeled a slut and cast out. We wandered from town to town, and I looked for work as much as possible." Her eyes became even darker as she recalled what were clearly unpleasant memories. "I was so scared," she said, "I was so afraid I'd wind up whoring myself out or that Kaoru wouldn't have enough to eat or, or who knew what else. I made the best of it though, I mean that's all ya can do in a bad situation. Moping wouldn't have put food in our stomachs or clothes on our backs. It woulda been selfish really."
Following this story, Sango couldn't help but be impressed. It must have taken a lot of determination to keep going. Their society was not a kind one to unmarried mothers. "You say I'm strong," she said after Mai was done.
"Yeah well, it's what you gotta do," said Mai standing up. "Listen I'd better take Kaoru and get lunch ready, you take care of yourself now." Then, much to Sango's surprise, Mai hugged her before collecting Kaoru and heading home.
Sango sat stunned for a few moments before she too stood up now thinking about lunch as well. She figured she'd go and mooch off Kagome as she didn't really feel like cooking, but just as she turned to go look for her friend, she heard her name being called by none other than Kagome herself.
"Sango!" she called, running along the path, brown hair bouncing slightly with each step, "Sango!"
"What's up Kagome?" Sango asked, mildly surprised at her friends rather frantic tone.
"Whew," Kagome wheezed as she skidded to a halt and bent double. "Ah, Sango, we, huff, we, wheeze, need you to exterminate a demon."
Sango was slightly confused, she'd been expecting something worse, "Is that all?" she said.
"Well, no," answered Kagome, "I have to take InuYasha home to meet my family so we won't be able to go with you."
"I thought InuYasha had already met your family," said Sango.
At this Kagome cringed slightly. "My immediate family yes, but this time it's my whole family. All my aunts, uncles, cousins and such. They're coming to the shrine for a sort of reunion and also to meet my new fiancé. Oh god, I still haven't figured out what I'm going to tell them all. I mean InuYasha isn't the sort of man most girls bring home is he."
"Don't worry about it," said Sango, puzzling for a moment about the meaning of 'fiancé' before giving Kagome what she hoped was a reassuring smile, "InuYasha is perfectly charming once you get used to him; and I'll take care of the demon no problem."
"Thanks Sango," said Kagome with a pained grimace, "that's nice of you to say but we both know that 'charming' and 'InuYasha' are as good as opposites. You're sure about the demon though? I could ask Miroku if you wanted…"
"No," came Sango's sharp reply, "I'm sure I can handle it, just tell me where to go."
"Well if you're sure," Kagome said slightly warily, "you've been kind of down lately is all."
"Kagome, I've been fighting demons since I was a child, of course I'm sure," said Sango rolling her eyes ever so slightly.
Kagome smiled then, looking quite relieved. "Right," she said, "it's in the next village over and I think the man said it was a spider of some kind."
"I'll go tonight," Sango replied already planning out a strategy.
"Oh thank you Sango," said Kagome gratitude shining in her eyes, "the man seemed so desperate and I wanted to go myself but this whole thing with my family, well, I'm just glad you think you can handle it." Turning away, she hurried off, most likely in search of InuYasha.
Figuring she'd have some left over rice and then head out, Sango entered the cool shade of Kaede's hut. Mai was right, she thought, all you can do in a bad situation is make the best of it. Life didn't stop just because it didn't go the way she wanted it to. She'd either have to get back into the flow of things and pray for better luck, or loose whatever hope she had left. Feeling her resolve grow as she maneuvered around the small space, Sango felt as though in some small way, she was starting over. After all, she wasn't a quitter, she was strong and she'd prove it, starting with this spider.
Wow, second chapter done, that's impressive, for me at least. I don't think the grammar's too good though. Ah well, I shall leave such comments for my reviewers hint, hint Anyway, these first two chapters have just been primarily character building chapters, introducing us to Sango and Sesshomaru while giving what I hope is a probable reason for Sango's separation from Miroku. I don't like it when fics that pair Sango and Sesshomaru either ignore Miroku entirely or turn him into such a total fuck-up that Sango leaves him. I know the whole scenario I've created isn't that much more realistic but, I really do like Miroku.
Actually, right now I'm considering doing a spin-off about him, Mai and their relationship. Originally Mai and Kaoru were just going to be convenient plot devices but now they've actually developed some personality. Heh, oh well, we'll see what happens.
Also, I'm sure you all are also wondering why this is rated 'R' as it seems pretty tame but trust me, things are about to go to hell. Next chapter: we meet the antagonist, who by the way is a real piece of work, but I'm not sure yet if Sango and Sesshomaru will actually have any interaction. Until next time, WoD