Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection

PG-13- Pervasive crude and sexual humor, language, and drug references

Introduction

This story is based on the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone book and movie. Tell me what you think of it as I go.

I don't own Harry Potter. (Thank God!)

The Boy Who Didn't Die

It was night time. Everyone on Privet Drive was asleep. Except for one person.

An old man, Albus Dumbledore, walks down to the corner of the street. Wearing a blue bathrobe, he stops, takes out what looks like a lighter. He opens it, and the light from all the lamp post on the street between that the street and the other street.

After doing so, he checks to see if nobody is looking when he takes out a cigarette. He uses the what looks like a lighter to light it. After taking one puffs, he is scared to death by a person behind him.

"AAAAHHHHH!"

His scream is loud enough to wake up everyone on Privet Drive. The person behind him is Professor McGonagall.

"Shhh," she saids. "You'll wake up the Muggles."

The cigarette, which had flown out of Dumbledore's hand when he screamed, landed in McGonagall's hair. Neither of them noticed.

Together they walked down the street to 4 Privet Drive.

"When is Hagrid going to be here?" McGonagall asked.

"He should be here in no time," Dumbledore said.

Yet, in was about, let me see, one, no, two... yeah, one whole minute before Hagrid arrived.

He landed, while riding a flying motorcycle, in the street. Unfortunately, the brakes didn't work, and he ended up crashing into a car in front of the house. Its alarm went off, giving off a very loud sound that could wake up everyone on Privet Drive.

Dumbledore, without effort, used his wand to silence the car.

"Shhh," he said to Hagrid. "You'll wake up the Muggles."

"Sorry, sir," Hagrid said.

"Where'd you get the motorcycle?"

"Sirius Black gave it to me."

"The same Sirius Black that would later be sent to Askaban for a murder that he didn't even commit and-"

He took a deep breath, for he was talking very fast.

"-wants to unintentionally get revenge?"

"I think so."

"Cool."

"Here's Harry."

Harry, a baby wrapped up in blankets, was crying very loudly. Loud enough to wake up everyone on Privet Drive.

"Quiet," Hagrid said, "or you'll wait up the Muggles."

Dumbledore, effortlessly, took out his wand, and silenced Harry. It didn't work. The baby kept on crying. He tried again, and this time it worked.

"Give him to me," Dumbledore said, taking Harry without Hagrid having to give him to him.

He and McGonagall walked to the door of 4 Privet Drive.

"Are you sure that you can just leave him here?" she said. "For the next ten years, he'll be treated like a... a..."

"Just say it," he said.

"A slave."

Fifteen houses away, a family of racist black people were sleeping. Suddenly, they the all woke up.

"Did I just hear the 's' word?" the husband asked.

"You mean 'shit'?" The three-year-old boy asked.

"No, and don't even say that again?"

"'Shit'?"

"That's right. Let's go get those racial people."

With this, he took out a gun, and ran out of the house. The kids followed, armed with flying pans and slingshots and bazookas.

Back at 4 Privet Drive, Dumbledore and McGonagall were still talking.

"What would you rather do?" he asked. "Leave him here for free, or keep him with us and pay child support for two Sickles a month?"

"We'll keep him here," she answered after about .023 seconds of thinking.

With that, Dumbledore dropped Harry on the doormat, and carefully placed a letter on top of him.

Until that time, no one noticed the cigarette in McGonagall's hair until it caught on fire. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, and running in circles. She was screaming loud enough to wake up everyone on Privet Drive.

"SHUT UP!" Dumbledore shouted, louder than her scream. "YOU'LL WAKE UP THE MUGGLES!"

By now, almost every house on the block's lights were on.

"Let's get out of here."

With that, they Apparated, disappeared, to go back home. Unfortunately, the black man had shot McGonagall in her ear. That would explain that big tear in her ear that you see in the book and movie. You probably didn't notice it because there was no tear in her ear.

I'll update as soon as possible. Send your reviews.