Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection

The Cheap Hat From Wal-Mart

The Hogs Farts Express came to a stop. The students got out of the train and Hagrid, already outside, led them to about forty boats that led them to Hogwarts.

Hagrid rang the doorbell on the school entrance, and McGonagall answered it. Hagrid left the students to her.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," she said. "I a few moments you will be Sorting into your houses. The houses are Foxx, Eastwood, DiCaprio, and Jackson."

Harry recognized these names from somewhere, but you couldn't quite figure out where.

"During the school year, your houses will earn points or lose points. The house with the most points at the end year wins the House Cup. Now that we got that boring shit out of the way I'll be leaving."

She walked away.

"So it's true?" someone in the crowd of kids said. "Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts."

Harry turned around and saw that the speaker was a boy with ugly blond hair. He looked so evil!

"Yeah, that's me," he said.

"Hello, Harry Potter," the boy said. "I'd like you to meet my two friends, aka bodyguards. This is Ray, and this is Charles."

The boy didn't hear it, but Harry and Dave were looking silently to themselves.

"I'm Stevie," the boy said. "Stevie Wonder."

This time, Harry and Dave had burst out laughing, unable to control themselves.

"And this," Stevie said, pointing to an equally familiar girl, "is my girlfriend. Her name is Paris Hilton."

Harry and Dave fell to the ground, still shaking with loud laughter. Everyone was looking at them strangely, except the people who got the joke and were laughing too.

"What's so funny?" Stevie asked.

"You don't know?" Dave said, still laughing. "Ray Charles is the blind black man that practically invented R&B."

"He did invent R&B," Harry corrected him.

"Shut up, I'm talking," Dave said. "Anyway, Stevie Wonder is another blind black man, and he was a good musician as well. And Paris Hilton... well, she's just a whore, dude."

Stevie still didn't get the joke.

"Oh, yeah," Harry said. "They don't know about Muggle stuff."

"Well I know well enough you should be hanging around people like this," Stevie said, point a finger at Ron. "You don't want to make friends with the wrong sort."

"You mean you?"

"Yeah, see you're getting it. I hope you're in my house."

Later, McGonagall came back and led them to the Great Hall. There were other older students there waiting for them to arrive. They all piled up in front of an old hat. From there McGonagall called their names and they had to put the hat on so it could tell them what their house is.

"Hermione Granger."

She came up and put the hat on, and after thirty seconds it sent her over to the Foxx table.

Ron went up and he was sent there too.

Sometimes the hat sent them to their house immediately, while others took a long time. The hat was barely put on Stevie's head when it yelled, "Jackson!"

Finally when Harry was called up, the hat was put on him.

"Hmm, difficult, difficult," it said.

"Foxx, Eastwood, DiCaprio, or Jackson?" it said to itself.

"Don't pick Jackson," Harry said.

"Why not? You seem right for it you know. Jackson would lead you to the top, and you'd be famous, baby, famous!"

"No, please..."

"Damn," the hat said. "I guess it better be...Foxx!"

Everyone cheered, except the people at the Jackson table. Dave and Ron were Sorted into Foxx, too.

The table had magically made food appear on its plates and bowls and everyone started eating.

Soon the ghosts started coming out and greeting the students of the house. One came above the Foxx table.

"Hey I know who you are," Ron said. "You're Jimmy Hoffa."

"I prefer Jimmy if you don't mind," Jimmy said.

"Hey, how did you die?" Harry asked.

Before Jimmy could answer, a loud forhorn erupted for apparently no reason at all.

After the feast, the students were lead to their house dormitories by the prefects. Percy, Ron's older brother, led the Foxx students to a portrait of an old lady.

"Password?" she asked.

"'Let us in, bitch!'"

The portrait opened up, revealing a big room inside. Their stuff had already been put in the trunks in front of their beds, so no repacking had to be done.

"This isn't going to be so bad," Harry said to himself.

Or was it?

"No it isn't."

Another chapter done. If you haven't already guessed, Foxx, Eastwood, and DiCaprio are the last names of the Best Actor nominees for the Oscars. Jamie Foxx won, thank God! Jackson is the last name of the child molester who went to court in his pajama bottoms. If this seemed offensive in anyway, please tell me now. It would mean so much to me.