Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection

The Farting Master

Harry, Ron, and Dave ran as fast as they could to get to Transfigurations class; they were running late.

When they got there, all the other students were there already, and a cat was perched on the desk in the front of the room.

"Good thing McGonagall isn't here," Ron said, "or else she'd be having a B.F."

Instantly, the cat turned into McGonagall. Ron stood speechless.

"May I ask what a B.F. is Mr. Weasley?"

"It's a...a...Bacon...no, it's a...Buck Futter."

Big mistake. (A/N: This was taken off of one of Saturday Night Live's Jeopardy skits. I'm sure you can guess what he really said.)

"Well, Mr. Weasley," she said, very angry. "I'll see you in detention."

"OOOOOOOOOOO!" all the students yelled.

"Shut up!"

They shut up. They were like this until their next class, which was Potions. They were paired up with the Jacksons. Suddenly, a ugly man with Michael Jackson hair burst into the room. When he got to the front of the room, he noticed someone.

"Our new celebrity," he said.

Dave was about to bow, and another boy, conveniently named Tom Arnold, would have too, until the man finished his sentence, "Harry Potter."

"Yeah, so kill him," Dave said.

"Shut up, boy! We'll ask Mr. Potter some questions."

Harry stood up straight, ready for anything.

"Potter, where would a find a bezoar?"

Hermione had raised her hand and, surprisingly, so did Dave.

"In the stomach of a goat?" Harry said.

"Okay, that was a practice. What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

"A sleeping potion so powerful that it is called the Draught of Living Death?"

"That was another practice. Now here's the real deal: What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

"They just have different names. They're both the same plant called aconite."

Snape stood surprised. He didn't expect him to know so much. (A/N: It was actually written on his hand.)

"Well, I'll be damned," Snape said in an angry whisper before yelling, "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART! Well you won't get this one. What is the square root of one million?"

"A thousand?"

"DAMMIT!"

Afterwards, Harry asked Dave, "Did you really know the answer to those questions back there?"

"No," he confessed. "I was just trying to impress Hermione."

Harry was dumbstruck.

The class went smoothly enough then they were on to their first flying lesson. Their teacher would be Ms. K. Rotch.

"Now," she said once they were all next to their brooms, "hold your hand out over your broom, and say 'up'."

Harry and Stevie's broom came right into their hands, while the rest of the class had a little bit of trouble.

"Come on, you stupid broom!" a boy named Neville yelled.

Big mistake; the broom went wild! First, it came into Neville's hand, but then hit him in the ballsack. Before he could give out a yelp of pain, the broom had hit him in the face. Then, while Neville was still holding it, the broom flew into a wall, causing Neville to crash. Next, the broom flew into the air, and shook so suddenly that Neville let go and started to fall. Luckily, a lamppost caught him, yet unfortunately, it caught him by his underwear, giving him a painful wedgie.

He stayed there until his underwear finally ripped and he fell to the ground. Since his underwear was still hanging on the lamppost, the girls who saw it gave out either giggles or groans. Ms. K. Rotch ran to see what was hurt.

"Broken wrist and hemorrhoids," she said. "Everyone stay on the ground. If I catch a single person on his broom, they'll be out of here before you can say 'Quidditch'."

"Quiddit-" Dave started, but Ms. K. Rotch had already stepped in front of him pointing a finger.

"That's what I thought," she said before taking Neville to the hospital wing.

Stevie had picked up Neville's Remembrall.

"Give that here, Stevie," Harry said.

"No," he said. "I'll leave somewhere where Longbottom can find it. Like in the toilet."

"I'll put it in there for you," said a very fat boy named Fatty. "I gotta go anyway."

He let out a loud fart, making anyone behind him faint. Stevie had a disgusted look on his face.

"Never mind. I'll throw it on the roof."

With that, you mounted his broomstick and took off.

A few miles away, a group of hunters were walking through the woods, unaware that they were on Hogwarts school ground. One of them saw Stevie.

"Holy shit!" he yelled. "It's an eagle."

"Where?" the leader asked before he saw it. "Shoot it! Shoot!"

The man shoot Stevie, making him fall off his broom, dropping the Remembrall in the process.

Before Harry got on his broom, Hermione said, "No, Harry, you'll get in trouble."

"Yeah," Dave said, taking Hermione's side. "Listen to theHerm. For some reason that didn't sound right."

Harry jumped on his broom and took off after the Remembrall, letting Stevie fall. He caught it, and landed near the students to be graded.

One student gave him a 10.

Another gave him an 8.

The third gave him a 9.

The fourth gave him a 10.

The fifth gave him a 1, but was immediately shot by the man who shot Stevie.

"HARRY POTTER!"

Harry saw Professor McGonagall running towards him in a bathrobe.

"Come with me."

"But-"

"I said come!"

Harry had no choice. He walked with McGonagall, trying to ignore Stevie's tooth-missing grin and Ray and Charles's laughing. He was also trying to ignore Hermione.

"Nobody ever listens to me!" she said. "I'm glad I'm not the one with bad luck here."

She didn't take this view for long, because the wind had blown Neville's underwear off of the lamppost and into her face. Some students laughed as she screamed andran around in circle not knowing where she was going until finally hitting the wall.

She took him to where Defense Against the Dark Arts Class would take place where Quirrell was teaching.

"Quirrell," she called. "Call I borrow wood for a moment?"

"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-ure-e-e-e-e-," he stammered.

She went inside and gave three logs from the room.

"Hold these," she said to Harry, dropping the heavy logs in his arms.

"Wood," she called again.

A fifth year boy came out of the classroom.

"Yes?" he said.

"Oliver," she said excitedly. "I've found you a Seeker."

She pointed to Harry, who had fallen over because the logs wereso heavy.

There you have it. Thanks for the reviews. I'm working on "Harry Potter and the Broom Closet of Brooms" as I write this. Therefore, it will be well made by the time it's one the site.

Also, if you didn't get some of the jokes, here are some hints:

Take the "ck" and "tt" in Buck Futter and switch them into the opposite places.

Herm for hermaphrodite. Look it up.

Sure, it's a little vulgar, or I just worry too much. Thanks again!