Disclaimer: I don't own GG. I do however own original characters and most plot and dialogue.
A/N: Thanks for being patient with me. It took me a long time to decide which way I was going to take this story. I hope you like it, because I think it's going to be fun. Well, fun in an angsty way, of course. ) Anyway, read and review, review, review!
Chapter 5
Jess rushed into the apartment and looked around. Luke didn't appear to be home, so Jess quickly grabbed his duffel bag and threw it on the bed. He tossed a bunch of clothes into it quickly, followed by his CDs. Then, he went to grab a stack of books from the bookshelf, and finally paused. They were gone. He spun in a quick circle, surveying the entire apartment. There were no books to be seen. Not even any of Luke's instructional books.
Jess shook his head angrily, refusing to admit that he was amused. "He's good. He's damn good."
Jess reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and found his novel still in there. He tossed it in the bag. One book could last him until he got…wherever it was he was going. Back to New York, maybe. No, probably not.Maybe he'd bum across the country, or maybe he'd head up to Canada. There were a million places he'd read about that it'd be amazing to see and now he could go see them.
Jess grabbed some more CDs and threw them in. He came across a pack of cigarettes and looked at them covetously. He licked his lips at the thought of smoking one, but then shook his head and threw the pack into a nearby trashcan. It wasn't a habit a guy on the run would be able to afford. He refused to admit that he was trying to quit because of Rory.
The phone rang, and Jess looked at it. He debated answering it, and finally decided not to. He continued to toss things into his duffel bag as the answering machine picked up.
"You've reached Luke Danes and Jess Mariano. Leave a message."
The machine beeped and it was Rory's voice that spoke next.
"Jess. It's Rory. I don't know if you're there or what. But I figure you'll be there eventually. Unless you ran already, in which case Luke, I'm sorry about this message and feel free to delete it right now. But Jess, if you do hear this, don't leave, OK? Maybe I'm wrong and you have no intention of running, but I doubt it. I might not know you that well, but I know you as well as anybody can know you and I'm pretty sure that you want to run. Please, don't. I know it seems like a great option, but it's not. So, all I'm saying is, please don't leave. I don't know what's been happening with you lately, but I want to help. Luke wants to help. We just want to-."
There was another beep as the machine cut her off. Jess finally took a moment to pause and think. Rory. She was the one good thing in his life; the one thing that made any sense at all.That was why when he knew she wanted him to say that he loved her, he said it even though he didn't mean it.
Jess knew that he didn't love Rory. He was probably the one of the only people in the world who could honestly say that he didn't love anyone. He cared about Rory. There was no doubt about that. But he didn't love her. He couldn't love her. He wanted to mean it when he said it, but he didn't. As much as he wanted to mean it when he said he loved her, Jess just didn't have it in him to love anybody. He didn't even love himself. So, when Rory looked at him with the desperation of a woman needing to be loved, he lied to her. He told her he loved her, even though he didn't.
Jess stuffed a few more clothes in his bag, and struggled to zip it up. He hoisted it over his shoulder, dug into his pocket and pulled out his key to the apartment. He left it on the table next to the answering machine. He looked around once before he left.
He had no choice but to run, no matter what Rory wanted from him. He couldn't stay here any longer, just to disappoint and be disappointed. There was no way he could be here right now, because there was no way he could be what everyone wanted him to be, and there was no way he was going to live with Luke, seeing that disappointed look on his face everyday. There was nothing left to do but leave…well, almost nothing.
"You didn't say goodbye."
That wasn't a mistake he was going to make again.
Jess stared at the Gilmore house hesitantly, considering just leaving without saying goodbye to Rory. He could just turn around and head to the bus station, and she'd never know that he'd even been there. The longer he stood there, the more he wanted to leave without saying goodbye. He'd been down that road once though, and he didn't want to do it again. He wanted her to know that he was thinking about her, and that he cared enough to say goodbye…if only he were brave enough to go through with it.
Jess spun on his heel and started to walk away. He didn't make it five steps before he stopped and turned around again. No. He'd screwed up enough. Every thing he'd done wrong, every time he'd left her waiting, every time he took the easy way out was leading up to this. He was going to do the right thing for once in his life, and she was the one who deserved the right thing.
Jess circled over to the side of the house and put his duffel bag down. Maybe he could just write her a nice note instead. She liked to read, a note would be a nice alternative. No. He wasn't running away from this. Well, yeah he was. But he wasn't running away from her. She needed to know that.
Jess took in a breath to steady himself and knocked on Rory's window. Moments passed, and there was no answer. Jess got excited at the thought of getting out of this. Now he could write her a note and not feel bad about it.
Just as Jess decided to leave, the window opened tentatively. Rory peeked her head out and looked at Jess. She smiled a small, nervous smile at him. "You're still here." Her eyes fell to where his bag laid on the ground. "Not for long though." She pushed the window open the rest of the way. "Come in?"
Jess nodded and skillfully climbed into her window and sat down on her bed. Rory sat down next to him and said, "You're running."
"I have to. I can't stay here right now." Jess said, looking at his feet.
"Yes you can!" Rory said. "Luke doesn't want to kick you out, and you can get your GED or go back to school. You can keep working at the diner. You can make things OK." She reached out to touch his hand. "I can help you."
Jess pulled his hand away from her. "I have to get away from this place. I have to figure myself out. I can't…I can't make anything better until I figure out what's wrong with me."
"What about me?" Rory asked pathetically. "You love me." After Jess slid his eyes to the floor, Rory added weakly, "You said you loved me."
Jess sighed and prepared himself for the biggest honest moment of his life. He looked Rory in the eyes and said quietly, "I lied. I don't love you. I care about you, but I don't love you. I've never loved anybody. I don't know how."
Rory felt tears welling up in her eyes. "Oh." Later on, she'd realize how difficult this situation must've been for Jess; how hard it was for him to be this open and honest with her. She'd appreciate his honesty, and realize that loving someone and caring about someone weren't mutually exclusive things. Right now though, all she could focus on was the fact that her boyfriend just told her that he didn't really love her.
"So what are you doing here?" She asked bitterly.
"I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted you to know-."
"That you don't love me." She interjected angrily. "Yeah, I got that already."
"No." Jess replied, getting frustrated. This was what came of being honest. "I wanted you to know that I'm leaving, but I'm not leaving you. I care more about you more than I've ever cared about anybody, and I needed to tell you that this isn't because of you."
"Fine. I know that. Go." Rory snapped.
Jess sat in silence, waiting for something else. He didn't know what, but for something else.
"Are you coming back?" She asked, afraid of the answer.
"I have to." Jess said with a small smirk. "All my books are here."
Rory laughed for just a moment before remembering herself. "When?"
"You know I don't know." He paused, and said aloud a fact that they both knew to be true. "I might not come back"
"I'm not going to pine." Rory said quickly. "I'm going to graduate and go to Europe and come back and I'm not going to pine for you."
Jess nodded. "I wouldn't want you to pine." It wasn't a complete lie.
"But if you do come back, and I stress if, I promise that the first time I see you I'll refuse to speak to you, but I'll smile before I walk away." Rory said seriously.
Jess smiled at her and said, "If I come back, I promise to lend you whatever book is my pick of the month."
The tears were spilling down Rory's cheeks as she nodded. "Go. Just go. Please just go now."
Jess stood, leaned over and attempted to kiss her. She offered him her cheek instead, and he brushed his lips against her cheek, catching just the corner of her mouth. "Goodbye." He whispered into her ear. Then he was out the window and gone.
Rory walked over to the window and watched his retreating form. Once he was out of sight, she lay down on her bed and began to sob.
Luke walked into his apartment and immediately felt the difference. He couldn't explain it, would refuse to try if ever asked, but he could feel in his bones that Jess was gone before even looking around. Doing a quick once over of the apartment only confirmed his suspicions. All of Jess's CDs were gone, as were most of his clothes. There were almost no traces of his nephew in the apartment anymore. He was gone.
Luke walked over to the answering machine and pressed the button to listen to the two messages that were awaiting him. The first one was Rory's message.
"Jess. It's Rory. I don't know if you're there or what. But I figure you'll be there eventually. Unless you ran already, in which case Luke, I'm sorry about this message and feel free to delete it right now."
Luke paid no heed to Rory's instructions and let the message continue to play.
" But Jess, if you do hear this, don't leave, OK? Maybe I'm wrong and you have no intention of running, but I doubt it. I might not know you that well, but I know you as well as anybody can know you and I'm pretty sure that you want to run. Please, don't. I know it seems like a great option, but it's not. So, all I'm saying is, please don't leave. I don't know what's been happening with you lately, but I want to help. Luke wants to help. We just want to-."
The machine cut her off then and Luke had to shake his head. She'd tried, bless her heart. He had to wonder if he'd heard her message, if he'd even gone to see her before he ran off. He probably hadn't. He'd probably been too dumb and stubborn and scared to go say goodbye to her. The next message interrupted Luke's thoughts.
"Luke, it's me." Jess's voice said. "Look, I'm leaving. I've got my bus ticket and I've got about five minutes before my bus gets here. I don't know if I'm coming back, but if I do, I won't expect anything from you. Thanks for everything. Bye."
Luke shook his head. Maybe Jess tried to hide it, but he was a good kid. Well, at least he had the potential in him to be a good kid. Maybe this was for the best though. Maybe what Jess needed was to test the waters, see if he could find a place that felt like home before he tried to make his life in Stars Hollow.
Luke went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of beer from the refrigerator. He pressed a button on the answering machine and replayed Jess's message. No one was there to tell him this, but the amused smirk on his face matched the one that his nephew so commonly wore. Luke tipped the bottle towards the answering machine and mumbled "Good luck, kid" before taking a long sip of his beer. "You're gonna need it."
Jess loved to ride the bus. It was a fact that he'd never shared with anybody, and it was an experience he didn't think anybody would ever understand. More than that, he'd never had the desire to share this idiosyncrasy of his personality with anybody. This was his, and nobody else's. He always opted to ride the bus when he had a choice. His mother had purchased a train ticket to Stars Hollow for him, but he had turned it for cash and used the money to buy a bus ticket and the change to buy a new book. He rode the bus all around New York City when he had the money for it. It wasn't that he minded walking places, but it just couldn't compare to riding the bus.
There was something so peaceful and so serene about riding a bus. It was a feeling he could never duplicate in any other situation. When Jess was riding the bus, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him or the world. There was perfect clarity in a long bus ride. Each bump in the road brought with it tranquility. It didn't last long. The moment he stepped off the bus, he was thrust back into the real world. He was trapped in a world where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, except for those few precious moments where he had the privilege of sitting on a moving bus.
Jess always opted for the window seat. In fact, he always tried to get on the bus as quickly as possible so he could have a better chance of sitting in a window seat. He always made it seem as casual as possible. If he could not get himself a window seat, he didn't pout or let his disappointment show in any way. He would just sit calmly in his seat until one by the window opened up, at which point he would casually change his position. There was just something about watching the world go by from the bus window that made everything perfect. Catching glimpses of people's lives as they walked down the street or into different shops and businesses offered Jess a sense that the world was bigger than him and his drama. It was a good feeling, and one that he was reluctant to give up. He needed that feeling, because without it his life was too much for him to bear. It was the bus ride that had gotten him through the…unfortunate incidents that had led him to his prison sentence in Stars Hollow. If it hadn't been for the prospect of that long bus ride, he probably would've just bailed on his mom and refused to go to Stars Hollow at all. But after everything that happened, he needed a long bus ride. It was that bus ride that got him there. It was that bus ride that eventually led him to Rory. Bus rides were his favorite thing in the world.
Jess leaned his head against the window, staring blankly at the cars and trucks they were passing on the interstate. The bus ride was slightly calming, as they always were for him, but it didn't have the affect that it normally would have. This was too big for even a bus ride to alleviate completely. Jess finally realized exactly how fucked up he was. It took 18 years, a visit from his estranged father, and dropping/flunking out of high school to finally make him realize it. It took walking out on the only two people who cared about him, the only two people that he cared about to finally make it sink in that he wasn't just a screw up, but also screwed up. He was going to fix himself though, and hopefully that'd be enough to fix everything else as well.
Jess looked at the side of the road just in time to see them pass a large sign: Welcome to New York!
"Home sweet home."
Jess pulled the apartment key out of his pocket and used it to unlock the door. He slowly opened it. He stepped into the small apartment and was greeted with the stale, sweet scent of marijuana. His gaze fell on the tattered, stained couch and the blonde woman who was passed out face down on it. Jess rolled his eyes and tossed his large back in the vacant corner by the door. "Hi mom." He said, knowing he was talking to himself. "I'm home."
Liz shifted and lifted her head awkwardly. "Whaa?" She half spoke/half mumbled.
"Oh, delighted to see you were just asleep and not passed out." Jess said, staring at his mother with his arms folded across his chest.
"Jess?" Liz asked, sitting up slowly. "Jess?"
Jess smirked. "Hi, Liz."
"What are you doing here?" Liz asked, rubbing her head. "Am I hallucinating again? I hate it when Vinnie laces the pot with acid."
"Yeah, that damn Vinnie." Jess said, not moving from his position. "It's me. I'm real."
Liz nodded slowly. "What are you doing here? What time is it?"
"It's about five in the morning. " Jess responded, deliberately avoiding his mother's first question.
Liz moaned and flopped back down on the couch. "And you're here why?" She asked again.
Jess shrugged. "Don't worry. I'm not staying long. I just need to stay here for a night or two. Then I'll be out of here."
Liz nodded her head into the couch. "Fine. Sleep now. Talk later."
Jess shook his head in annoyance. "I'll be in my room. Not that you'll remember this conversation when you wake up."
As Jess walked into his room, he heard his stoned mother mumble, "Welcome home, baby."
Jess didn't let his amusement show, even though he was alone. He walked into his room and saw that it was exactly the same as when he'd left the last time, except now it was all covered with an even thicker layer of dust. His bed was unmade and there were a few articles of clothing left strewn on the floor, including one of his favorite Metallica shirts. There was a small TV and a Super Nintendo, as well as a pile of games. On the wall, there was a poster of The Sex Pistols as well as one of The Clash. Both posters were faded with age, and torn around the edges. Jess's eyes landed on an empty picture frame. There had been a picture in it once, until…
Jess could feel his senses heightening as he thought of all that the room contained. He practically salivated at the thought of all the illegal substances to be found there. Just being back here was tempting him to revert into a drunk, pot-smoking idiot. Life had seemed so easy when he was drowning everything out under a haze of smoke and a pool of liquor. Jess walked over to the bed and lifted the mattress to retrieve a flask which he knew was half-filled with Jack Daniels. He unscrewed the cap and inhaled the scent of the alcohol. The temptation weighed heavily on him, but he shook his head to clear it.
"No." He whispered to himself. If he was going to do this self-discovery thing, he was going to do it sober. He tossed the flash in the trash, and followed it with half a dozen liquor bottles. He threw in enough marijuana to keep Liz happy for months. He debated leaving it for her, but decided to be a concerned son for .5 seconds and disposed of it instead. Finally, he found an open pack of Camels. He pulled one from the pack and put it in his mouth. He scrambled for a lighter and lit the cigarette desperately. It was stale and mildly disgusting, but once the nicotine entered Jess's system he didn't even care.
Jess sat down on his bed and leaned against the headboard, absentmindedly ashing his cigarette into the ashtray on the end table next to his bed. He put the cigarette out and closed his eyes. It physically hurt him to be back here, with all these memories weighing down on him. It completely wore him out emotionally, and he fell asleep almost instantly.
When Jess emerged from his room the next day, Liz was nowhere to be seen. He didn't know where she was, and couldn't force himself to care. He had no desire to communicate with his mother any more than he had to. His reasons for coming back home were simple, and hopefully they wouldn't keep him there more than a week. He wanted the books he had left here, and they were all where he left them. So part one of his mission was accomplished. Secondly, he wanted to call in some favors to get some more cash. He had some money already, but buying that car had taken most of his savings. If he could get some cash from his friends, then that'd be a big help. He didn't know where he was going, but he assumed it'd involve cash at some point in time.
Jess wandered over to the old kitchen table, which was covered in pieces of jewelry. Jewelry-making had always been a hobby of his mother's, and he had to admit that she was quite talented at it. When he was little, he'd always wished that she would devote more time to her jewelry and less time to her other pastimes. As time passed though, he found himself caring less and less what Liz chose to do with her time.
Jess picked up a pair of turquoise and silver earrings, and then put them back down disinterestedly. He then picked up a necklace with a lovely light blue crystal pendant dangling from it. The pendant was in the shape of a heart, and it had a lightning bolt slicing it in two. It was probably the best work he'd ever seen from his mother.
"You can keep that one if you want." His mother's voice came from the doorway. She was wearing torn, faded jeans with holes all over then and an old, multicolored patchwork jacket over a wife beater. "You can actually take any of them. Give them to a girl, sell them for drugs. Do what you've got to."
Jess looked at her with humorless smirk. "Hi, Liz."
Liz smiled at him and crossed the small space with her arms open. She enveloped her son in a tight hug, not acknowledging the fact that he wasn't responding. She released him and held him at arm's length. "You look good, kid."
Jess studied Liz's pale skin and bloodshot eyes. "You look hung over."
Liz shrugged. "Stick to what you're good at, I always say."
Jess didn't respond, only looked at the necklace he was still holding in his hands. He quickly put it down.
"So," Liz asked after a brief silence, "To what do I owe the pleasure of having my prodigal son return to me?"
Jess rolled his eyes. "Get your Bible straight, Liz. The prodigal son left. I was kicked out and sent to live with my uncle."
Liz frowned. "Still bitter about that, eh? Look I apologized for that when you came home after you got that girl hurt. I said you could stay. You wanted to go back. You left. The prodigal son analogy works."
"Whatever." Jess said, trying to push past his mother. Liz firmly grabbed his shoulders and prevented him from doing so.
"Jess, baby, what's up? Did Luke throw you out?" Liz asked, mustering up as much motherly concern as she could.
Jess rolled his eyes. "Don't have an aneurism pretending to give a damn. And no, he didn't. I left. But don't worry. I'm not coming back here either. This is just a pit stop before I get on my way."
Liz's face twisted in confusion. "Where are you going?"
Jess shrugged. "Everywhere. Nowhere. I haven't decided yet."
"What about your girlfriend, Lori?" Liz asked.
Jess sighed in frustration. "She's still in Stars Hollow. And her name's Rory."
"Well that's too bad. Luke said you really liked her."
"She was OK." Jess said, desperate to end this awkward conversation. "When did you talk to Luke about it?"
Liz shrugged and sat down at the table. "When you decided to move back there."
Jess grew more annoyed. He hadn't even been dating Rory then. He hated that Luke had just assumed he liked Rory, and he hated it more that he had assumed right.
"Look, Jess. Maybe it's finally time we talked about what happened with-."
"I'll be out of your hair in a few days." Jess cut her off angrily, walking towards the door. "You won't even know I'm here." He stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
Liz shook her head and looked down at the necklace Jess had been staring at. It was one of her favorite pieces that she'd ever made. She's save it, and it'd buy her a lot of pot the next time she ran out of cash.
"Well, well, well. Look who's been resurrected."
Jess looked up at his friend Billy with a small smile. "Hey, man." He said.
Billy Cotone grinned and sat down across from Jess in the red vinyl booth. Jess had gone where he knew Billy would be, working in his father's pizzeria.
"Long time, man. You home for good this time?" Billy asked, tossing his order pad on the table and tucking his pencil behind his ear. He and Jess resembled each other in a vague way. They both had small builds and Italian coloring that was visible in their dark hair and eyes.
"Nah." Jess said. "I'm just here for a little while. I'm gonna do some traveling. See some new places."
Billy shook his head at his friend. "Only you, man. Only you. So what are you doing back here?" The question was laced with curiosity and fear.
"I'm calling in a favor, Billy."
Billy winced. "Don't make it sound so mob movie, man. Just because we're Italian doesn't mean we have to play into the stereotypes. What do you need?"
Jess was tempted to laugh, but he didn't. Instead, he just responded to the question that was asked of him. "I need you to pay me back that money I leant you."
Billy's eyes widened. "All of it?"
Jess nodded solemnly. "All of it. You owe me. You owe me big." The serious look in his eyes clearly implied what he was refusing to say aloud.
Billy sighed deeply and an awkward silence filled the space between the two young men. "I never said thank you for all that went down, did I?"
Jess shrugged. "I never expected you to."
"Yeah, but you were there for me when no one else would be. That deserves a thank you."
Jess shrugged again and continued to look at his old friend. They both knew that nothing was ever going to be the same between them again, that it couldn't be after what they'd been through together.
Billy sighed again and said, "And it deserves me repaying you. Look, I don't have all of the cash. But I can get it. Give me two weeks."
Jess arched an eyebrow and his eyes filled with hesitation. Two weeks living with his mother again. He loved New York but being here was harder than he'd realized it would be. There was a reason he'd chosen to go back to Stars Hollow that had nothing to do with Rory. There was a reason he'd let go of his life in New York, and that reason was that he knew he could never go back to the way things used to be.
"Alright. Two weeks. I can handle it." He knew it was a lie.