Disclaimer: Besides dirty thoughts about Jess, I own nothing. If I did, I wouldn't be working at a gas station to make my way through school.

A/N: Thanks, as always, for the delightful reviews. This chapter is a little longer than usual, and it leads up to some really, REALLY big stuff that will be fun to write and hopefully for you to read. Reviews have been clinically proved to make me write faster. (If that wasn't blatant pleading, then what is?)

Chapter 7

"So are you coming back home tonight?" Lorelai asked. She and Rory walked out of the elder Gilmore residence together. Lorelai had her arm slung casually around her daughter's shoulders.

"No." Rory said with a shake of her head. "I've got a date tomorrow."

"Really?" Lorelai said, trying not to sound too excited. "With who?"

"This guy in my dorm. His name is Nate. He asked me out during orientation, but I turned him down. After last weekend though, seeing the postcards in the diner and talking to Luke, I just really felt so confused. So Nate asked me out again this week, and I said yes. I figured it couldn't hurt anything." Rory said, staring intently at her shoes as she walked.

Lorelai kissed Rory's head and stopped in front of her Jeep. "It's for the best, babe. You know that, right? You know he isn't coming back?"

Rory nodded, fighting back tears. "See, that's the thing. My head keeps telling me that he's not, but I just feel like…maybe my head is wrong."

Lorelai smiled sadly. "I know that you want to believe that, kiddo, but you have to face facts. He actually took the time to say goodbye to you. He fully admitted he didn't know if he was coming back. He said that he doesn't love you. He hates Stars Hollow. It's not looking like we'll be throwing him a homecoming party anytime soon." Her tone was gentle for her daughter's sake, but still did nothing to hide her distaste for Jess.

Rory nodded. "No, I know you're right. I'm just…hoping you're wrong."

Lorelai cocked her head to the side and looked at her daughter thoughtfully for a very long time. Finally, she asked, "Why are you holding on to him like this?"

Rory shrugged and thought about the question. She tossed around several answers in her mind before responding, "I saw something in him that made me love him."

"We all make mistakes in judgment. It's OK to admit that." Lorelai said, trying desperately to get through to her daughter.

"That's the thing though, mom." Rory said with a small smile. "I don't think I made a mistake."

Lorelai saw the way Rory's eyes clouded over and the way her mouth curved into a wistful smile. This wasn't the puppy love she'd felt for Dean. This was the real thing for Rory. Jess was her Christopher. He was the mistake she loved to keep making. One day though, she was going to realize that you couldn't keep making the same mistake and still be happy.

"I'm gonna get going." Rory whispered. She leaned in and kissed her mom on the cheek. "Night, mom."

"Night, kid." Lorelai said affectionately. She watched her daughter go to her car and drive off before getting into her own car and leaving.

"You didn't have to walk with me to the bus stop, Lily." Jess said, tossing down his duffel bag and plopping down on the bench.

"I know that." Lily said. "I wanted to. Mom and Jimmy couldn't come. Someone should be here to see you off. Besides," She sighed girlishly. "It's all so romantic."

Jess rolled his eyes. Lily sat down next to him and looked up at him with excited eyes that were magnified by her glasses. She asked, "Are you gonna tell her everything you wrote in your diary?"

"It is not a diary." Jess growled. Then his tone softened. "I don't know. I don't know what I'll say to her."

Lily shrugged. "Tell her the truth."

"The truth." Jess said thoughtfully. "And what exactly is the truth, Lily?"

Lily propped her skinny elbows up on her knees and dropped her head in her hands. "I dunno. All the things you wrote in your…non-diary."

"How much of it did you read?" Jess asked, slightly exasperated.

"Umm, all of it?" Lily admitted guiltily.

Jess shook his head. Only one person knew all of his secrets, and it was his father's girlfriend's daughter.

"Ya know, I put in a written request for a brother in January." Lily said factually.

Jess nodded. "Your mom told me that. I hope it happens for you."

Lily looked up at Jess and she was smiling widely. She put her small hand inside his slightly larger, calloused one. "It already did."

Jess looked down at where his hand sat entwined with Lily's. Over the past month, he and the kid had gotten pretty close. She read many books he was familiar with, and they talked about them together. His first week there, he'd gone for a walk by himself. She'd followed him out to the boardwalk, thinking that she was being sneaky. She wasn't. The first time it'd happened, he sent her back home. The second, he'd turned around and walked back with her. The third time she followed him out, they'd walked around together for about twenty minutes. Each time, they would go out for longer. They were friends, and she was the closest thing to a sister he ever had.

Jess smiled at her. "You're one cracked kid." He said affectionately, pulling his hand away from her. He looked up and saw the bus coming down the road. "There's my bus, kid. I gotta go."

Lily nodded and stood. She pulled a worn paperback out of her back pocket and handed it to him. "Here. I thought you could use a good love story to read on the way back."

Jess accepted the book and looked down at the title: Anna Karenina. He'd read it, of course. It was one of Rory's favorites. "I appreciate the thought, kid. But have you read this book? The ending isn't so inspiring to young lovers."

Lily shook her head at Jess's ignorance. "It's the ultimate love story, Jess. Anna Karenina knows what most people spend their whole lives trying to figure out."

"What's that?" Jess asked awkwardly. Anything on the topic of love was still a strange subject for him.

Lily rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. "That love is the only thing that makes life worth living. Duh."

Jess smiled at her. "You're quite possibly the smartest ten-year-old I've ever met."

"Thanks." Lily said brightly as the bus pulled up. "This is the part where we hug."

Jess leaned over and gave the girl a brief but affectionate hug. "I'll see ya around, kid."

"Bye, Jess." Lily said, smiling sadly. She didn't even wait for him to pick up his duffel bag before she was running down the street back to her house.

Jess shook his head with a smile as he watched her run home. "Weird kid." He said to himself. He took a deep breath and stepped onto the bus.

"So do you have Maddox for American Lit?" Nate asked Rory, taking a sip of his drink.

"Hmm?" Rory asked, looking up at her date. "Oh, no. I'm not taking American Lit this semester."

"Well, when you do, do not take it with Maddox. The man-."

Nate continued to talk about his Lit professor, and Rory found herself tuning out again. It wasn't that Nate was boring. In fact, the parts of his stories that Rory paid attention to were actually quite interesting. It also wasn't that he wasn't attractive, because he was. He was tall with a muscular build. He had shaggy blonde hair and clear green eyes. His smile was perfect without being fake, and he seemed to take a genuine interest in everything that Rory said. He was a nice guy and Rory liked him, but wasn't Jess, and that was all three strikes rolled into one.

"So what's your hometown like?" Nate asked. "Stars Hollow, right?"

Rory nodded. "It's an amazing place to live. Quiet, picturesque. All the people are really friendly, and everyone knows everybody else. I swear, sometimes I think the cast of characters is straight out of a novel."

"Sounds like heaven." Nate commented.

"To some." Rory said with a smile, thinking about Jess. "Hell to others, I suppose. Where are you from?"

"California." Nate said. "Santa Monica. That's a great place to live. The beaches are beautiful, the tourists are always good for a laugh, and the weather is amazing. I'm still getting used to autumn."

The two shared a laugh and Rory said, "Santa Monica is close to Venice, right?" She knew that it was because after Luke had told her Jess was in Venice, she had dutifully looked it up on a map, circling the area with a pencil before becoming frustrated with herself and erasing the mark.

"Yes, they actually run right into each other. You've been to Venice Beach?" Nate asked curiously, excited at the possibility of a connection.

"No." Rory shook her head. "I have a friend who's living out there right now."

Friend. The word sounded foreign and awkward in Rory's mouth. It had been difficult to even form in on her tongue. Even when they were only 'just friends,' the term had always sounded funny to her. She knew from the moment she met him that he was destined to be more than her friend. He was the one who had changed her life, rocked her world, and taught her what it meant to have passion in her life. He wasn't her friend. He was her everything.

"Your friend is really lucky. Don't get me wrong, it's nice out here and this whole changing of the leaves is really pretty, but I was meant to be a California boy." Nate said, flashing his charming smile.

Rory smiled back, but it was forced. Nate didn't seem to notice though, and continued to make conversation.

"So, what's your friend doing living in California? Is she going to school out there?" Nate questioned.

Rory sighed inwardly, regretting bringing the subject up. She had no choice but to talk about it now. "It's a he, actually, and no. He's kinda doing this self-discovery thing, I guess is the best way to put it."

"Ah," Nate said, nodding in understanding. "I can't tell you how many people I know who decided to try to find themselves before heading off to college."

"Yeah." Rory said, thinking quickly to try to change the subject. "Not for me though. The best place for me to discover myself is in college."

Nate nodded. "I feel the same way. I've always wanted to go to an Ivy League school. Harvard was my dream, actually. I didn't get in though."

Rory shifted her eyes guiltily, a move which Nate noticed immediately. "You got in to Harvard, didn't you?" He asked with a smile. "You got in and chose Yale instead."

"Yeah." Rory said, nodding. "I decided I wanted to be close to home." Because of Jess. She cursed herself for even having that thought. She knew deep down that Jess was a main reason for that decision, but had tried desperately to convince herself that he wasn't.

Nate nodded. "That's respectable. I love my family, but I felt like this was something I had to do. I had to get used to being away from them, you know? Besides, we're not terribly close. How about your family?"

"It's just my mom and me, but we're really close. We're best friends." Rory responded, thankful to finally have landed on a topic that wouldn't remind her of Jess.

"That's really cool. My dad and I get along pretty well, but I would never call him my friend. He's just my dad. My little sister Jessie and I fight like animals though. We're so different. She's into all this angry punk music and she has this really annoying 'screw the world' attitude. I just wanna shake her and go, "Jess, come back to planet Earth!'" He said with a laugh.

Rory nodded along with a small, fake smile plastered on her face. The universe hated her. That was the only explanation for it. She had done something terribly wrong in a past life, and the universe was seeking its revenge by playing a cruel joke on her.

"So what kind of music do you like?" Rory asked, finally accepting that any conversation topic was going to lead her back to thoughts of Jess and that there was no point in avoiding it.

Rory and Nate were laughing as they entered their dorm building together. Rory paused in front of her door and motioned to it with her hand. "This is me."

Nate nodded, looking expectantly at the door and then back at Rory. Rory didn't miss the look in his eyes, and knew that he was counting on being invited in.

"I'd invite you in." Rory said, "But I know my roommates, and at least two of them are asleep right now and Paris would castrate you if we woke her up."

Nate flinched at the thought. "That's cool. Another time, then." He flashed his charming smile for the umpteenth time. "I had fun tonight."

"I did too." Rory said. It wasn't a lie. Though she had never been able to push Jess from her mind, that hadn't stopped her from enjoying Nate's company. He was sweet and funny and a nice guy. Rory could honestly say that she hadn't had this much fun since she'd returned from Europe.

Nate grinned at her and leaned in. Rory stiffened for a moment, realizing what was about to happen. She was about to be kissed. A boy who was not Jess was about to kiss her, and she wasn't sure if she wanted him to or not.

Nate's lips met hers with complete confidence, and he kissed her as if he was positive she was going to let him.

"I moved back." It was a statement interlaced with insecurity.

"But, what? Why?" Rory asked, as shocked as she was thrilled.

"Just wanted to." He almost looked sheepish as he said it.

Rory crashed into Jess with a force she didn't know she possessed. She pressed her lips firmly against his. She could feel his hesitance as she kissed him, and she could pinpoint the exact moment where his hesitance had melted into pleased acceptance. That was the moment she pulled away from him, terrified about what she'd just done.

Rory allowed her arms to fall to her sides as she forced her body to respond to the kiss. Nate brought his hands to the small of her back, and Rory knew that now was time to pull away. She did so graciously, with a sweet smile.

Nate smiled again. "I'll see you soon. Count on it."

Rory nodded. "OK. Good night, Nate."

"Night, Rory."

Rory entered her dorm room and slumped back against the door with a sigh. He was a good guy, and a good kisser. She almost wanted to go on a second date with him. He only had one flaw, and it was inexcusable.

He wasn't Jess.

It was 2:30 in the afternoon when Jess's bus pulled into Stars Hollow. He looked around skeptically, surprised at the vague feeling pulling on him. It wasn't relief or happiness. It was something resembling comfort, as if he was back where he needed to be.

Jess slung his bag over his shoulder and hesitantly looked in the direction of the diner. He had to get right down to business, but it was a weekday so he figured Rory would be down at school. He'd have to wait for her to come home, but she wasn't the only one he needed to talk to. He needed to talk to Luke; to make things as right as possible. He needed to apologize, and that was the scariest thing in the world to him. Well, the second scariest. The first scariest had brown hair, haunting blue eyes and a private school education.

Bells jangled as Jess pushed open the door to the diner. Every table was full and Luke was rushing around, looking almost frazzled. Jess just stood in the doorway, waiting to be noticed. Luke put a plate in front of a customer before looking up at the door.

"A table should open…oh." He trailed off, looking at Jess. "Hey."

Jess nodded. "Hey."

"Drop the bag behind the counter. The orders that are up go to the table by the window." Luke commanded gruffly.

"Luke…" Jess said guiltily, feeling like something else should be said.

"The order pads haven't moved." Luke said, hurrying away to take an order.

Later that evening, Jess turned the diner's lock and swung the sign around to the side that said 'Sorry, we're closed.' He grabbed a bottle of cleaning solution and a rag and started wiping off tables.

"Sit." Luke commanded Jess. Jess looked up and saw that he was sitting at a table with his hands folded in front of him.

Jess put down his rag and sat down across from Luke.

"What is this?" Luke demanded emotionlessly. He refused to admit that he cared about the answer.

"I came back." Jess said simply, glad that Luke couldn't see him wringing his hands underneath the table.

"I can see that." Luke said. "Why?"

Jess shrugged. "It was just time to come home."

Luke did a double take at Jess's choice of words. "This is home?"

Jess sat in silence for a moment before responding. "I think it might be."

Luke shook his head in baffled amusement. "Never thought I'd hear you say that."

Jess smirked. "Me either. I've been doing a lot of thinking though, and I realized that I've never felt better than I do when I'm here."

"Wow. I don't think I've ever heard you form a sentence that honest, or long for that matter." Luke said.

Jess just shrugged. Uncle and nephew stared at each other in total silence for a long moment before Jess said, "I owe you an apology. Actually, I owe you several apologies. I didn't handle anything right while I was here."

"No, no you didn't. I broke my back trying to help you, Jess. You just wouldn't let me though. Everything good I tried to do for you, you undid tenfold."

"And I'm apologizing for it right now. There's no way that you can make me feel any guiltier than I do. I know now that you were trying to help me, but I needed to figure things out for myself first." Jess replied. "I'm sorry I screwed up. I'm sorry that I made your life so hard. I'm sorry you got stuck with me in the first place."

"Sometimes, very rarely, but every now and then, I liked having you here."

The silence returned, equally heavy but not as uncomfortable as it had been. Luke's eyes were on the table, and Jess's were on a spot behind Luke's head.

"I stole your car." Luke blurted out.

"What?" Jess asked, confused.

"Yeah, when your car went missing? That was me. I stole it and hid it. I thought I could force you to go to school."

Jess knew he should be angry. He almost was, but it was overpowered by --something bigger-gratitude.

"Thanks." Jess said.

"No problem." Luke responded. "You can have it back. Use it to go…wherever you need to. I'm sure it could make a trip to New Haven."

Jess sighed. "How is she?"

"She's Rory. She's strong." Luke responded, knowing it was a vague answer.

"Yeah, she is." Jess agreed.

Luke hesitated before saying, "She's trying to move on."

Jess noticed the wording and smirked. "The question is though, is she succeeding?"

Luke laughed at that. "I guess you'll find out." Then, after a pause, he continued, "You know you can't stay here."

"I wasn't going to ask." Jess responded. He couldn't take advantage of Luke any longer. It wasn't fair to either of them. Besides, Jess knew that he had broken their agreement. He hadn't graduated. He hadn't followed the rules. He didn't deserve the privilege of staying with Luke again. "I've got a little cash. I'll go to the motel."

Luke nodded. "If you need a job, I'm hiring. My last employee quit really suddenly."

"Yeah?" Jess asked, smirking. "Well, I can guarantee I'm a lot more reliable than that guy."

"Good." Luke said with a nod, standing up. "Because if you aren't, then you're fired. Be here tomorrow at 10 A.M."

Jess's smirk eased into something resembling a smile as he said, "You got it, boss."

Jess put down his order pad on the counter and said, "Luke, I'm out of here for the day, man!"

Luke nodded. "Fine. See you tomorrow, Jess."

Jess walked down the street and to the bookstore. Luke had given him all his books back except for A Farewell to Arms. It had gone missing and Luke couldn't find it anywhere in the apartment. Jess was upset because he'd made some really good notes in his copy, but he decided to buy another one. He figured, if nothing else, Murphy's Law would kick in and he'd find the book as soon as he bought a new copy.

Jess pushed open the door and entered the bookstore. It was the first time he'd been there since he'd gotten home. He stood in the doorway for a moment and inhaled the familiar scent of books.

"Hello, Jess." Andrew said from behind the counter. "I heard you were back in town. That'll be good for my business."

Jess nodded. "Hey, Andrew." Better person or not, Jess still didn't have the patience for small talk. He quickly made his way to the shelves before he'd be forced to chitchat with Andrew any longer.

Jess approached the row where he knew all the Hemingway books were arranged neatly by year of publication and not alphabetically by title. He paused right before turning. She was there. He knew it. He could feel it by the way the hair on his arms became suddenly tingly. Jess turned down the aisle and saw her standing there. She gripped a hardcover book tightly against her chest, as if using it to protect her heart.

"Hey." Jess said, scratching his head lightly as he looked at her nervously.

Rory looked at him, her eyes slowly filling with tears. She dropped her book on the ground, allowing it to crash with a thud. She swiftly strode past him, allowing her shoulder to knock into his. They both felt the electricity that passed between them, but neither said anything. Rory stalked over to the door, but before she left, she turned to face Jess with a small smile playing on her lips. Jess returned the smile hesitantly, allowing it to widen after Rory had departed.

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed frantically, running into the house. "Mom, where are you?"

"Here! I'm here!" Lorelai said, hurrying out from the kitchen. "What's up? Are you OK?"

Rory nodded, and then shook her head. "No." She said, tears streaming down her face. "Yes. Both. Mom, Jess is back!"

Lorelai nodded. "I know."

"You know?" Rory asked, wide-eyed.

Lorelai nodded again. "I saw him working at the diner two days ago."

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" Rory demanded.

"I didn't want to be the one to tell you. I thought it'd be better if you saw for yourself first." Lorelai said. Her logic was simple. She figured it'd make her angrier to see Jess for herself, and they angrier she was, the better the chance that she wouldn't forgive him. Lorelai still felt that Jess was going to keep hurting her, and she didn't want him to.

"What should I do?" Rory asked helplessly.

Lorelai shrugged. "I dunno, kid. Did you talk to him?"

"No." Rory said, smiling softly. "I promised I wouldn't."

Lorelai tilted her head in confusion. Realizing Rory didn't tend to elaborate, she just shrugged. "OK. You're going to talk to him though?"

"I think so. I don't know." Tears were still streaming from her eyes. "I didn't know it could hurt more to have him back then it did to have him leave."

"I did." Lorelai said, slinging an arm around her daughter's shoulders. "No matter what happens though, sweetie, you're going to end up crying. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Rory said, dropping her head on her mother's shoulder miserably. "I know."

The doorbell rang and Rory stiffened. "It's him." She whispered. "I can feel it."

"I'll tell him to leave." Lorelai said, heading to the door.

"No." Rory said. "No. I'll answer it."

Rory took a moment to compose herself before she opened the door. Jess was standing there, his hands behind his back. "Hey."

Rory stood there looking at him. "Hi." She said quietly.

"I didn't know how long I should wait before I sought you out again." Jess said awkwardly. "So I thought I'd come by and see if it was too soon, and if so, maybe I could get a timeframe as to when it wouldn't be too soon." He paused briefly. "You cut your hair."

"Yeah." Rory said, touching the short strands. Because you used to toy with the ends when you hugged me, and it hurt too much to not have your hands there. She didn't say it aloud of course, but she was thinking it.

"You look great." Jess blurted.

"Thanks. You let your hair grow." She almost reached out to touch the unruly mop, but restrained herself.

"Yeah." Jess said. You liked it short, and it hurt to think of you each time I looked in a mirror. "Not much extra cash for haircuts."

"Looks lousy." Rory said, sniffing back a tear that threatened to fall. She leaned against the doorway and looked at him, looked deep into him. There was something in his eyes she'd never seen before. Vulnerability.

"You really did it, didn't you?" Rory asked in amazement. "You found what you were looking for?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah. You wanna know the funny thing though?"

"Probably not." Rory said, her heart heavy with pain. He had found what he needed, but what if it wasn't enough to make him love her? What if it wasn't enough to keep him from hurting her again?

"The funny thing, Rory, is that I went away to find what was right here."

A tear slipped down her face, and Rory did nothing to stop it. It rolled slowly down her cheek and under her chin before falling to the porch with a tiny, practically inaudible splash. "Don't do that, Jess. Don't come back here and say sweet things and make me love you and forget that you don't love me. Don't charm me into forgiving you. It just might kill me."

He could hear her heart breaking as she said the words. "Rory…" He started.

"No, Jess." She whispered. "I'm asking you to leave me alone. I can't let you keep hurting me. I'm glad you found yourself, but I just can't be in this relationship anymore."

"So what exactly are you saying?" Jess asked, scared of the answer. It was her. It was always her. Didn't she know that?

"I'm saying just leave me alone, Jess." Rory responded. She took a step back. "I can't be in this anymore. It hurts too much."

"But Rory, can't we even talk about this? I've changed, I've figured so much out." Jess said, pleading. "Can't you just listen to me.

Begging. Jess Mariano was pleading with her. Maybe he had changed. "No." Rory said, shaking her head. "There's no possible way that it's enough. There's just no way. I love you, Jess, but it's not enough." She looked at him once more. "Just leave me alone." She whispered, shutting the door in his face.

"Yeah." Jess said to himself. "Definitely too soon."

Jess removed his hands from behind his back, revealing what he'd been ready to give to Rory. He placed it on the welcome mat to be found later on before walking away.

When Rory opened the door later on, she kicked the object accidentally, and then bent over to pick it up. Her sad face twisted to one of confusion as she looked at the plain notebook with a Post-it stuck to the cover that read, "My pick of the month."

Coming up next: Jess's non-diary! This is going to be fun, but really hard to write. This chapter might take a while, but I think so reviews would help me write faster!