Rory,

I first had the idea to start writing things down while I was in New York. That's where I went first. I went back to New York. I didn't want to go back there, not even a little, but I had to. Of all the places I've ever wanted to go, back to New York was on the bottom of the list. I had to go back though. If I wanted to do this thing right, I knew that I needed some cash. So, I went to New York to get it. Don't worry, it was all perfectly legal, I promise. Anyway, it was there when I first had the idea to start writing everything down. The idea followed me back up to Connecticut, and down to Virginia. I couldn't shake t he idea, as much as I wanted to. So, I broke down and I bought a notebook. I ended up throwing that one away. I couldn't write without writing to someone, and you're the only person I want to write to. So I bought this notebook. I know that you'll probably never read this, but it's just easier to write if I pretend I'm writing to you.

I stayed in New York for two weeks, and believe me when I say they were the two most uncomfortable weeks of my life. I loved New York once, and I guess I still do in a way. There's just something about the city that will probably always speak to me in some inexplicable way. I think it's because I can relate to it really well. If you sit and watch a city street, the first thing you notice is all the motion. The entire city is constantly buzzing with action and movement, but there's too much going on. In fact, there's so much going on that it all seems still if you really watch. There's so much happening that it seems like nothing of significance happening. I think that's me, you know? There's so much happening that it just seems like nothing. Or maybe I just give myself too much credit. Maybe the reason I play the silent, brooding rebel is that it's the only way I know to make people leave me alone. Of course, it doesn't work too well, I guess. I mean, I have you and Luke who both pretty much refuse to hate me. You actually remind me of my two best friends in New York, Billy and Ava. They never let me get away with trying to distance myself from them and, trust me, I tried. You'd like them. Billy's like me, except a little less sarcastic. Some people think we're brothers, actually. And Ava's, well, Ava. They're the reason I love New York, and also the reason I left the first time. And the second time. And this time.

I'm in Virginia now. I have been for about a week. I don't know why I got off the bus in Virginia instead of taking it all the way to Florida like I'd intended, but I did. I just felt like it was time to get off the bus, which is very strange because usually I ride a bus for as long as possible. In fact, when I came to Stars Hollow, I actually rode the bus passed the town before I took one back, just because I wanted to ride the bus some more. Riding the bus gives me a feeling of tranquility that I can't replicate any place else. I came close one time when I was sitting on a bridge talking about books with this girl, but I've never found that exact feeling of peace any other place than sitting on a bus looking out the window. I've never told anyone that before. I've never even written it down. It feels kind of good to see it written there. I think I'll write it down again. I, Jess F. Mariano, love to ride the bus.

Anyway, that was an entertaining little tangent I just went off on. Where was I? Oh yes, Virginia. I'm in Virginia. Actually, I'm at Virginia Beach right now. It's the first time I've seen the ocean, you know. That was rhetorical, of course. I know that you didn't know that. I would've had to tell you that for you to know it. It would've involved actual conversation, and we didn't have too many of those.

There's something beautiful about the ocean. It's got a kind of charm that I can't put my finger on. It's quietly beautiful. It doesn't have anything specifically dazzling about it. It just kind of waits for you to notice it, and you're forced to. There's no way to just walk by without not noticing the ocean. It's too amazing to ignore. I think it has the same appeal as New York City in that there has to be something brewing beneath the surface, but just by looking at it, you'd never know. Alright, I guess that's all I'm going to write right now.

Jess

Rory,

I did something dorky today. Like, so dorky that you are going to think it's dorky. Not that I'm calling you a dork or anything, except that I am and you are. Anyway, I finally pulled myself away from the beach. I headed inland to Williamsburg. Prepare yourself to be amazed at my dork-like tendencies. I toured Colonial Williamsburg. I resisted the urge to actually take a tour, and I did a self-guided one. I bought this really cool guidebook that listed all the really interesting places where historical stuff happened and I then proceeded to go to all the places the book mentioned. Williamsburg was actually really integral during Colonial times. It was a really important town, and a lot of cool stuff happened here. I sent Luke a postcard with a picture of the town square on it. It sort of reminds me of Stars Hollow. You'd like it here.

I hadn't intended to send Luke a postcard or to even keep in contact with him. I just couldn't stop myself though. I figured he'd be worrying, and I don't want him to worry. Not about me. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to have him worry about me. He's too good for that. Seriously, I don't think I've ever met a more amazing guy than Luke. He continually saved my ass and took care of me. He took me in when no one wanted to have anything to do with me. Granted, he didn't know exactly why I was leaving New York. He still doesn't. But that didn't matter. He was totally cool with me. He was always straight with me too. He was the first person in the world who did something completely selfless for me. He just might be the closest thing to real family that I'll ever know.

I wonder when he's finally going to hook up with your mom.

Jess

Rory,

Montreal Canada. I don't know what inspired me to come to Canada, but here I am. I think I just wanted to see some place foreign. I mean, I know going to Canada's not exactly the same as touring Europe, but it's the best that I can do right now. I wonder where you are right now. According to that itinerary you were making up, you should be in Italy. Who knows though? Maybe you met Johnny Depp and your mother and he are now happily married. There would be a lot of things worse than having Johnny Depp as a stepfather and living in France. Take my two stepfathers. Or was it three? I don't even know which ones my mom was actually married to. She definitely wasn't married to Ryan. He was really nice guy, which probably threw him out of the running for husband #4. He smoked a lot of pot, and by a lot, I mean more than my mom does. But, he was nice. He liked The Clash and The Stooges. In fact, he's the one who gave me my copy of Please Kill Me. I never did lend you that book. You'd like it. Anyway, Ryan might be the only guy my mom was with that I actually like. Strike that, he's definitely the only one I liked. He died about two years ago. He drove drunk and crashed into this truck. He got thrown from the car and died on impact. I hold no sympathy. I may have liked him, but I can't feel bad for someone so foolish. If you're fool enough to drive drunk, you deserve whatever happens to you.

I haven't had a drink in forever, which is pretty impressive considering I can legally drink here. I just haven't felt like it. Sobriety isn't as bad as I used to think it was. I like remembering everything I'm thinking, and most of what I'm feeling. I used to think it was better to drink until I forgot my pain. I learned that while this might hurt a little more, it's better for me to deal with this stuff. I feel, I don't know, stronger I guess. Yeah, stronger is the right word. I feel like being alone with my thoughts, coping with this reality is making me stronger. It hasn't killed me yet, anyway. Hopefully, it stays that way.

Jess

Rory,

I'm renting this room above a bar here in Montreal. Well, actually I'm sharing it with this French-Canadian kid named Pierre. I know, right? I promise I'm not making that up. If I were going to make something up, it wouldn't be that cliché. We both asked about the room on the same day, but neither of us could afford it on our own. So, we agreed to split it. I actually probably could've afforded it by myself, but I don't know how long my cash has to last me because I don't know how long I'll be gone.

Anyway, back to Pierre. I'm screwed up, but this kid is like movie-of-the-week screwed up. He's a runaway from Alberta, I think. That's a province up here, which I'm sure you knew already. He's the youngest of five siblings, all girls. Apparently, he spent his whole life being compared to his sisters, and it drove him crazy. That's not even half the story though. Get this, he woke up one night to screaming. He comes downstairs and his eldest sister is strangling the youngest one. He called the cops, but it was too late. His sister Monique died, and Angelica is in jail. About two years ago, right after Angelica was sentenced, his dad starting hitting him. He beat him so bad that the poor guy still walks with a limp. So, he ran off. He's the oldest sixteen year old that I've never met. I've never pitied anyone in my life, but this is the closest I've ever come. He's got a really great sense of humor, and an amazing knowledge of good 90s rock. He knows all the words to Runaway Train by Soul Asylum in English and in French. That's a great song. Wrong way on a one-way track. Great line.

Jess

Rory,

I got back to the room today and Pierre was crying. He misses his home. He misses his sisters and his mom. He even misses his dad even though he beats him. He said something to me that's kind of been haunting me since he said it. It really hit close to home.

"I left because I hated my life. I hated the people around me, I hated the way they treated me, and I hated the way they made me feel about myself. Here's the thing, Jess. I thought I hated me because of them. I hate me because of me. It's no one's fault but mine. I made my life what it is."

Then, he said something in French. I wouldn't even dare try to write it down because I could never spell it. I asked him what it meant later though, and he told me.

"Knowing it was me who ruined my life is scarier than anything I've seen."

He was right. That is the scariest truth a person could ever know. I speak from experience on that one.

Jess

Rory,

Pierre moved out today. He's going home. He misses his family. After all that's happened to him, he just couldn't stand to be away from them. He's going to stand up to his dad. He knows it's going to be hard, but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to be away from them anymore. He's found something worth fighting for, and he's ready to fight. Knowing it was me who ruined my life is the scariest thought I could ever have. Besides Dean, Pierre's the only person I've ever envied. He's so much braver than I am. But I hope that changes. I hope one day I'm brave enough to fight for what I care about.

Jess

Rory,

I moved out of the room I was sharing with Pierre now that he's gone. It just didn't feel right staying there without him. I think I've had enough of Canada for now anyway. I do like it here though. I think I'll come back someday. Right now though, I think I'm gonna head back to the United States. Someplace where they don't speak French. What's the opposite of French? Spanish, I guess. I really don't wanna go to Mexico, but maybe Arizona or something. I'll just start heading south, and see what happens.

Part of me likes this nomad thing. It's nice to be able to just pick up and leave whenever I feel like it. I won't lie though. It's lonely. I kinda miss New York. I miss my friend Billy. I don't miss Billy now. I miss the Billy I was friends with before all the shit that happened. He changed after everything happened. I changed too. Believe it or not, I wasn't so lousy of a person before, well, just before. I wasn't a saint or anything, but I wasn't the shell of a human being you came to know and love. I had a soul. Then I lost it.

I miss Ava too. Every time I saw Ava, I was forced to smile. Her happiness was infectious. You couldn't not smile when Ava was smiling. Billy and me called her Ava Adore. I know you're not a Smashing Pumpkins fan, but I'm sure you get the reference. I wish I could see Ava again though. I can't. And I don't deserve to.

I miss your smile. I'm sorry I couldn't make you smile more.

Jess

Rory,

I'm still heading south. I don't even know where I am right now. I think I'm in Kansas, but I've lost track. It doesn't even matter. Ever since I last wrote, all I can thing about is New York. I've been running away from it for so long and it's finally catching up with me. I've been on the bus for so long, and it usually helps me clear my head and forget my problems. This time though, it's doing the exact opposite to me. All I can think about is my life in New York, and how everything went to Hell so quickly.

Ava and Billy dated. Did I tell you that? They did. They more than dated. They were madly in love. They got engaged when we were 17. It was symbolic more than anything. They weren't planning to get married until we were in our twenties, but they got engaged. Billy put a cheap ring on Ava Adore's finger and we celebrated with a few cases of beer. I've never been as happy for two people as I was for Billy and Ava. They were so in love it was almost disgusting. Almost.

There used to be this really great picture of the three of us in my room. Me and Billy, holding Ava in our arms while she struck a pose. She was beautiful. Long, black hair and bright blue eyes not unlike yours. She was tall, like 6 feet tall. That's not an exaggeration. She had the longest legs I've ever seen. She could wear a normal girl's jeans as capris, and she looked killer in a miniskirt. Anyway, the picture is gone now. I took it out of the frame because I couldn't stand to look at us anymore. I threw it away. The only picture I had of me and my best friends and I threw it away because I was scared and so upset. They were such great friends to me, and we loved to be together. We were so happy and now it's over. It's over because of me. I killed Ava.

Jess

Rory,

I'm in Texas now. It's hot and I bought a pair of shorts. Stop laughing. I'm staying in this really trashy motel and I share my bathroom with a family of cockroaches. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's worse. You'd hate it. I've been mulling over that last thing I wrote since I wrote it. I've never written that down before. I've never said it. I've tried to keep myself from even thinking it, but it's true. I killed Ava. I was completely and totally responsible for the destruction of her life, and mine, and Billy's. I killed us all in a way. I didn't murder her, but I might as well have. I might has well have taken a knife and stabbed her to death, because I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I never wrote it down before. It feels better to see it written down, but not really. I mean, it's liberating to admit it, but does it make things OK? Does it make things better? Does it bring my best friend back? Does it change the fact that she's dead or that both Billy and I died a little when she did? Does it make me less responsible for what happened? Does it make time move backwards so I can change the past and bring her back? Does it make anything different? No. The only thing that's different is that now I've committed to paper the fact that I'm a murderer. I murdered my best friend.

You would've loved her, you know. She's like your mom. Was like your mom. I still have trouble with the tenses, even after two years. Anyway, she was very witty. She had this amazingly sharp wit, and she used it as a defense mechanism. Just like your mom. Underneath it all though, she had an amazing heart. There was nothing she wouldn't do for the people she cared about. I wish you could've met my Ava Adore. She lit up my life. Don't get me wrong, we were always just friends, but she still lit up my life. When she died, when I killed her, I never thought I'd see light in my life again. I thought I was doomed to an existence that was dark and meaningless.

Then I met you, and you smiled at me. There was light again, and I didn't know what to do about it. I still don't know what to do about it.

Jess

Rory,

Today's my birthday. I'm 19 years old. I'm a high school dropout with no family who ran away from the only good things in his life. Happy birthday to me. I'm still in Texas, but I think I'm going to head to California. That's where my dad lives, my real dad that is. I met him, you know. That was rhetorical. I know I never told you. It was the day I left. He came to see me in Stars Hollow. We sat in his room and we talked about David Bowie and other good music. He told me about his business down in Santa Monica. He owns a hot dog place. I thought that things went really well between us. Then, he did what the Mariano men do best. He ran. As soon as I left his room, he bolted. Nice, huh? I was so pissed. I didn't think I'd get as mad as I did. I thought that I was just seeing us as two strangers with some kind of affinity for great music. Then, after I got into that fight with Luke and I went to see him, just to see if I could crash there until things cooled down. I thought…I don't know what I thought. I still don't know what I was thinking. I think that I thought that something more happened than did. I thought that he came to see me because he wanted to be friends or something. He ran. So I don't know what he wanted. I punched a wall. Still, I think I want to go see him. Get some closure, get some insight as to who I am, get some something. I don't know. I don't know what I want or what I'm doing or who I am. I know that I miss you like crazy. I know that this whole journey has just made me realize that more and more with each passing day. I can't help but look at the photograph of us. We were happy for a little while, weren't we? Things weren't completely terrible? I didn't screw it up entirely. I miss your eyes. I miss your smile. I miss you, Rory. I've never put you out of my thoughts. Everything I've done is for you. I hope you understand that. I hope you understand that I want to change. I just don't know if I can. I'm trying though. I'm really trying.

I called Luke today. He remembered my birthday. I wonder if you remembered too.

Jess

Rory,

Do you know what a back alley abortion is? I'm sure you've at least heard the phrase used before. It's an abortion that's not, well, legal. It's all completely off the radar. You don't see them a lot in New York, because abortion is legal for minors as long as a parent accompanies them. I mean, I guess there are more than I know about but you just don't hear about them very often.

Billy and Ava started having sex when we were all fifteen. They were like rabbits a lot of the time. They loved each other and they loved sex. When we weren't together, that was usually where you could find them. I walked in on them more times than any of us would've liked. Anyway, they started having sex when we were fifteen. When we were seventeen, Ava got pregnant. She was terrified Ava was college bound. She wanted to go to NYU. Billy wanted to marry her, but not for a long time. She didn't want to be rushed into marriage because she was pregnant. He didn't want to be a dad. They weren't ready. Billy didn't know how to handle the situation, so he asked me to talk to Ava for him.

She refused to tell her dad, which was her only parent. Her mom died when she was a kid. Her dad's the strictest Catholic I've ever met. If he knew she was having sex and got pregnant, he'd disown her. Plus, he'd never let her get an abortion. So, she found a 'doctor' who'd do an abortion under the table for three thousand dollars. Ava asked my advice. I said she should get the abortion. She asked for the money. I gave it to her. She asked for a ride to the clinic. I said OK. I led her to her death. I don't believe in abortion. I think its murder. But I told her I thought she should get one. She smiled with tears in her eyes and said, "You're right, Jess. I'm so lucky to have you to help me." Billy kept telling me I was a good friend. I wasn't a good friend. I told them what they wanted to hear, and it killed her. I killed her. I should've told her what I really thought. I should've told Billy to just suck it up and marry her now. I should've bought a car with my money like I meant to. I should've done anything but drive her to this 'clinic'. This dirty, disgusting place that had a rat infestation. The doctor pushed her out of the office into my arms. Her lips were so pale that they blended in with the rest of her face. She died before we got to the car. She died in my arms and she was crying. In sadness or in pain, I don't know for sure. I guess probably both. There was blood dripping down her long legs, and her eyes turned to glass right before me. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her.

I killed my best friend, Rory. I didn't mean to, but it's my fault. It was completely my fault. I killed my Ava Adore.

Jess

Rory,

I'm in California now, with my dad and his family. I showed up at Venice Beach and went to his house and met his girlfriend Sasha, who's this beautiful, sweet, modern-day hippie chick. I met her daughter Lily, who locks herself in the bookcase while she reads. Sasha didn't even know that Jimmy had a son, let alone that son was me. She was shocked, but really gracious about it. She's got class, Sasha does. Kinda like your grandmother, except about fifteen times cooler. But they both have class.

Anyway, Sasha took me to Jimmy's hot dog stand. Let me tell you, he was pretty floored when he saw me. He asked me why I was here, and I kinda just shrugged. Then he shrugged and went, "huh." Then he asked me if the cops were after me. I said no. He made a joke about not finding the head yet. The only reason I told you about that is because I thought it'd make you laugh. I hope it did. I know that I laughed when he said it. I figured I needed to put something funny in here, after finally admitting to myself about Ava. Ever since I wrote it down, I've felt…a little better, I guess. Because I reread what I wrote. I reread it about a million times. And every time I read it, it hurt a little less. It still hurts, and it'll be my biggest regret and my biggest demon until I die, but I don't think it'll hurt this bad forever. Also, blaming myself doesn't bring her back. Nothing's going to bring her back. It'll never be OK, but I think it'll keep getting better.

I never would've realized any of this if it wasn't for you, Rory. Wow, that's cheesy. I feel so ridiculous saying it, but there it is. I never would've figured it out if I didn't have you. I wanted to make myself better for you. That's why I did this. I wonder if you know that. I wonder if I'll ever be able to say it to your face.

Anyway, I talked to Jimmy, that's my dad, in case you didn't know that. I don't think I ever told you his name. it's Jimmy. Well, James, actually. James Francis Mariano. Yeah, we have the same middle name. Of course, if you ever use my middle name for any reason, we're going to have even more issues than we already do. He said that he could see that this was something I needed. He said that he didn't want me to fall off the face of the Earth, which is funny because Luke said almost the exact same thing to me after he pushed me in the lake. He said he can tell that I'm searching for something, so he's going to let me stay here for a little while to try and find it. It probably won't be more than a month, but I think that'll be enough. I really think that getting to know my dad will help me know myself a little better. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe this is going to be worse because of this, but I have to try. Jimmy's willing to try. Maybe the Mariano men are done being fuck-ups. Or maybe we're just fucking up together. I guess we'll see.

Jess

Rory,

I've been here with Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily for about a week now. I sleep on a mattress on the floor and watch this family dynamic that they've developed. It's like when I first moved to Stars Hollow, except that there's this gorgeous blue ocean to look at. The Atlantic Ocean has nothing on the Pacific. You'll have to see it someday. Jimmy loves to live here. I think I can understand why. It's really beautiful. I like to walk around the boardwalk. Lily actually followed me tonight. She's a weird kid. She's about ten, but she's as smart as people twice her age. She's really small. She actually wedges herself into this bookcase to do all her reading. It's kind of endearing, in a really bizarre kind of way. I was walking last night and she followed me then. I panicked and I sent her home. I didn't know what to do with her, or what she wanted. She did it again tonight though, and I asked why she followed me. She said that she didn't have any friends and that she didn't want to be alone anymore. Then she said that sometimes she liked to sit on benches and stare at her shoes, but she wished she had someone to sit with. Do you appreciate the irony? I hope you haven't forgotten our first meeting. I haven't.

I told Lily that all anyone really wants is someone to sit on a bench with, and I met it. Everyone needs a friend, someone they can rely on. I turned around and we walked back to the house together. She really likes Leo Tolstoy and Ayn Rand, but she agrees that Ayn Rand is a political nut. She likes Hemingway too. Did you ever think that I'd have it in me to be friends with a 10-year-old? Neither did I, but here we are. I've never had a sibling. I wonder if this is what it's like.

Jess

Rory,

Jimmy didn't plan on walking out on me and my mom. He told me that tonight. I don't know how it came up. We've had sort of an unspoken agreement to not talk about it. Then, all of a sudden, we were talking about it. He didn't think he was going to leave. He thought that he and Liz, that's my mom, were perfect for each other. They were both screw-ups with no aspirations who cared about nothing by themselves. It was a perfect arrangement for them both because it didn't matter. There was absolutely no way that they could ever disappoint each other because they didn't expect anything from each other. They lived together for two years and they were married for about six months. I was born at the end of those six months. My mom had never wanted to have kids, but she got this idea in her head that she could be an amazing mom. That idea lasted until I was actually born, then flew out the window. Jimmy liked his arrangement with Liz because she didn't rely on him, and he didn't disappoint her. Then I came along. As a baby, he knew nothing would matter to me, but he also knew that as I grew up, I'd eventually expect things from him. He wasn't ready for that. So he ran. It doesn't excuse him, but it makes sense. It's hard knowing that you're a disappointment. It's hard seeing someone who loves you be disappointed in you. I can understand wanting to avoid that.

I've learned that running isn't an answer though. That's what this trip has taught me, among other things. I've spent my entire life running away from the fear of disappointing people. If you do that though, all you'll ever be doing is disappointing people. All I've ever done is disappoint people. I don't want that to be me anymore.

Jess

Rory,

I've finally figured it out! Ever since I first saw the Atlantic Ocean, I've been wondering why I'm so drawn to it. Remember my first letter in this thing? The one where I described the ocean as quietly beautiful?

It's you. You're the ocean. The ocean is you. You're the ocean, and I'm New York City. You're quietly beautiful with charm I'll never understand, but can't turn away from. I'm so full of emotions that I seem still and we've both got so much brewing underneath. You're my ocean, Rory. You're everything.

Jess

Rory,

I'm comfortable here in California. It's easy to be here. I've fallen into a great pattern with Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily. We're kind of happy together. We're kind of like a family. It's kind of nice. I'm almost happy here. I've really come into my own. Talking about stuff isn't as hard as it used to be. I even told my dad about everything that happened with Ava Adore. He offered no words of wisdom, no sympathy, and no solutions. He just listened to me. He asked about you, but I wouldn't talk about that. You're too close to my heart for me to share. I want to keep you to myself. I want to keep you sewn to my heart, bound to these pages, captured in a photograph.

I'm sick of writing these letters and pretending that you're going to read them. This has been my brilliant plan to keep myself close to you, besides that embarrassing incident where I called you from New York and hung up when you answered. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to hear your voice. I still just want to hear your voice. That's a lie. I don't just want to here your voice. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you a million times over. I want to tangle my hands in your hair. I want to watch movies with you. I want to lie down and listen to your heartbeat. Sometimes, our hearts beat together, like they were the same heart. I don't know if you ever noticed that, but I did. I noticed. I was never happier than those moments where our hearts beat together. Your skin was always warm, and it warmed the chill that always seemed to be enveloping me. I was better when we were together. I know it might not seem like that, but I was.

I want you to lay your head on my chest while you read. I want to feel the bass of the music make your lips pulsate as we kiss. I want to kiss you. Oh God, I want to kiss you. I want to fight about Hemingway with you. I want to have a picnic with you on the bridge. I want you to sing off-key to PJ Harvey. I want to taste your cherry lip gloss. I want you to defend Stars Hollow while I mercilessly make fun of it. I want to keep pretending I hate it there even though I don't. I want you to force me to help Luke. I want to talk about the book you just read. I want to pull out your hairclip and watch your hair tumble down your shoulders. I want you to look at me with those heavy eyes that you have before you get coffee in your system. I want to prove to you that Coldplay is an alternative band. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to fight with you. I want to make up. I want to hold you. I want to hear you breathe. I want you. I want to be with you.

Jess

Rory,

I'm coming back. Sasha and Jimmy kicked me out. I'm welcome back, but right now they think there's someplace else I need to be-with you. I think they're right. I've grown up. I've realized that I've been running away my whole life. Now it's time that I run towards something. That something is you. I'm coming back to you.

You're going to be mad. You're going to be hurt. I know this. But I hope that you still love me enough to talk to me. I don't know what I'll do if I've ruined the only thing that matters. I don't know what I'll do if I've messed this up permanently. I hope you haven't moved on. I know that it's selfish, but I don't want to be without you. I'm only sorry that this is what it took for me to realize that. My journey is over, and it taught me something really important. It taught me something that I think I've actually always known.

I love you, Rory.

Jess

A/N: I didn't do a disclaimer or AN at the beginning of the chapter because i felt that it took away from it. I wanted this chapter to be straight up, all Jess, all angst and feelings. I hope that I succeeded. This was really hard to write. I hope you all enjoyed it. You know how I feel about reviews. Make me happy.