Disclaimer: Yup, still don't anything. If someone knows how I can change that, share the info )

A/N: This chapter was very difficult to write, partly because I'm debating which way I want to take things. I guess we'll just have to see what happens. Thanks so much for all the reviews on Jess's journal! They were very, very, very appreciated and I heart you all! I hope that the pattern continues and this chapter also gets lots of reviews! (hint,hint)

Chapter 9

"Rory, honey, are you ever coming out of there?" Lorelai asked, knocking on her daughter's door softly. There was no answer, only the same soft sound that had been floating from Rory's room for the past day and a half. It was the sound of her daughter crying.

"Rory." Lorelai said hesitantly. "Babe, I hate to be pushy but it is Monday. You missed your classes today. You know that, right?"

There was no indication that Rory had heard her. The soft weeping sound continued without a break.

"Rory," Lorelai tried again. "You also haven't eaten. And you haven't had any coffee. And how are you going to the bathroom? There's no bad smell coming from there so I assume you've been going to the bathroom, but I would've seen you and I haven't seen you. So what exactly are you doing in there? Are you peeing in a bucket or-"

The door opened slowly and Rory stood there, staring at her mother. She was in her oldest pajamas, and her hair was unwashed and unbrushed. Her eyes were red and nearly swollen shut. "You're babbling." She said hoarsely, returning to her bed and collapsing onto it.

"Yes," Lorelai agreed, following her daughter into her room. "But you finally opened the door for me."

Rory didn't respond. She pulled her knees to her chest and stared straight ahead of her, eyes tearing up again.

"What happened, Rory?" Lorelai asked, sitting down on the bed. She gently reached out a hand and stroked her daughter's head. "You were upset after you talked to Jess, but something had to have happened to make you go so absolutely…emo."

Rory sniffled. "Emo?"

"It's this music movement that's kind of a subgenre of punk. A lot of whining boys with bad relationships." Lorelai responded.

"I know what emo is." Rory said miserably. I just can't believe you used it in a sentence."

Lorelai shrugged. "One of the maids was talking to me about it today so it was on my mind." She replied simply.

"Jess gave me something." Rory responded miserably, choosing to ignore all references to emo for the time being.

"The clap?" Lorelai asked brightly.

Rory looked up at her mother with dead eyes. "You completely suck." She murmured.

"Sorry." Lorelai said sincerely. "I was trying to make you smile. You don't really have the clap do you?"

"I'm a virgin, mom." Rory responded weakly. After reading about what had happened to poor Ava, she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to have sex.

"Proof that you aren't my daughter." Lorelai said jokingly. Then she sobered and said, "Tell me what happened, sweets."

Rory sighed. "Jess left me his notebook so I could read what he wrote in it." The tears spilled over again.

Lorelai's face twisted in confusion. "Jess keeps a diary?"

"It was more like letters he wrote so he could get his thoughts out." Rory responded, wiping at tears. "Letters he wrote pretending he was writing to me. He didn't really intend for me to read them though. Or maybe he did realize he was going to give them to me. I don't know."

"Now who's babbling?" Lorelai asked. They sat in silence for a moment and then she asked, "So what was in Jess's diary that hurt so bad?" She had a feeling that she knew. She had a feeling that Rory had discovered that Jess was too screwed up to make things work and that he'd never be in love with her. It didn't surprise Lorelai at all. She'd always known that Jess was too screwed up to be in a loving relationship like the one Rory had wanted to build with him.

There was silence again, save for the sound of Rory's whimpering. Lorelai gently rubbed her daughter's back as she patiently waited for her to be ready to talk. Rory shifted positions so her head was lying in her mother's lap. Lorelai immediately began to stroke her daughter's greasy hair. Rory mumbled something unintelligible.

"What was that?" Lorelai asked, confused.

"He loves me!" Rory blurted out, tears running down her face as she finally looked up at her mother.

Lorelai sighed deeply at Rory's revelation. "Why couldn't he just have given you the clap?"

Jess's head whipped in the direction of the diner door as he heard it open.

"It's not her." Kirk said, not looking up from his menu. "It hasn't been her all day."

"What are babbling about, Kirk?" Jess snapped, turning his head back to him.

"I was here for breakfast and you looked up every time the door opened hoping it was her. It never was. You did it when I was in here for my midmorning donut too. It still wasn't her. You're doing it again. It's still not her." Kirk said matter-of-factly. "I'll have a patty melt."

Jess wrote Kirk's order down on his pad silently.

Kirk looked up at the young man who was taking his order. "Throw in some free extra cheese on that patty melt and I'll give you the town gossip that I heard from Babette."

Jess stared blankly at Kirk for a moment. "You're serious?"

"I never joke about extra cheese." Kirk said seriously.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Fine. You've got the cheese. This better be good."

Kirk leaned in and said quietly, "Apparently, Rory was supposed to go back to school yesterday afternoon. She's still here though. She hasn't left her house since Saturday evening, and every time Lorelai leaves the house she looks really worried."

Jess nodded. "Yeah, that's worth double cheese." He said as he walked away.

Kirk smiled, pleased with both his contribution and with the promise of extra cheese.

Jess walked over behind the counter and shouted the order to Cesar. He stood there for a moment, not sure what to make of Kirk's gossip. It was very possible that it was true, and if it was then he didn't know what to think. Maybe Rory was so upset with all that she learned that she couldn't handle facing him. He had known that there was a risk in showing her his letters. He knew that it was possible that doing this was going to scare her off. Maybe he'd made a mistake. Maybe he shouldn't have given her the notebook. Maybe he shouldn't have even come back.

"Jess, don't tell me you're daydreaming." Lorelai said, sliding on to a seat at the counter. "Because I will be forced to taunt you mercilessly if you are."

Jess snapped out of his reverie. "Coffee?" He asked.

Lorelai nodded. "Two, please. To go."

Jess nodded and poured coffee into two to-go cups. He placed them in front of Lorelai and she reached for them, but as she did Jess pulled them away.

"How is she?" Jess demanded.

Lorelai narrowed her eyes. "Are you seriously trying to withhold coffee from me?"

Jess smirked and shrugged. "I've found that controlling the food can be a very valuable asset."

Lorelai sighed, staring longingly at the coffee. "Well, she's finally opened the door to her room. She's still crying, but now and then, she stops. And she's asked for coffee. Definitely a good sign."

"Good." Jess nodded. He slid the cups across the counter to Lorelai. "Good."

Lorelai sighed again. "Can I tell you something at the risk of us having a moment?"

Jess gulped. "I guess."

"Ok." Lorelai said. "I don't know what exactly you wrote in your diary that did this to her, but she is absolutely terrified."

"God, it is not a diary!" Jess growled. Then, after absorbing Lorelai's words he asked, "What should I do?"

Lorelai shrugged. "Can't tell ya that, kid. You have to do what you feel is best, not just for you, but for Rory as well. If you really love her, you need to do what's best for her."

Jess nodded slowly, lowering his eyes to the floor. "Yeah. Thanks."

Lorelai made a noise of disgust. "God, I knew we were going to end up having a moment. I have to go shower now. I feel dirty." She snatched the cups away from Jess and said, "Don't even think that I'm going to pay for these." She said as she dashed out of the diner before he could argue.

Jess smiled gently, allowing himself to think of Ava fondly for the first time in a long while. Lorelai's behavior reminded him so much of Ava, and that was finally beginning to hurt a little less.

"Order up!" Cesar called, causing Jess to turn around. He picked up Kirk's patty melt, complete with extra cheese, and went to give it to him.

Lorelai returned to the house with coffee in hand. "Rory! I'm back." She tossed her purse on the kitchen table. She walked over to her daughter's room, baffled by the open door. She took a step into the room and looked around, noticing that it was completely empty.

"Rory, where are ya, babe?" Lorelai called, stepping out of the room.

Rory emerged from the bathroom. She had changed into a fresh pair of pajamas, these ones were even purchased within the last two years, and hair was wet from the shower.

"Well, that's a little better." Lorelai said, handing her daughter the coffee.

Rory accepted the cup. "Thanks." She murmured, sipping her coffee.

"Feeling any better?" Lorelai asked sympathetically.

"I feel cleaner." Rory said, shrugging. "Does that equal better?"

"Well, it's a step up from unwashed hermit." Lorelai responded. "Now you're a washed hermit."

Rory smiled weakly. "I don't know what to do, mom. I'm so scared."

Lorelai smiled sadly and reached out to touch Rory's shoulder. "I know that. What exactly are you scared of?"

Rory sighed and sat down. She put her head in her hands and said, "I don't even know! Just, reading everything he wrote, I'm scared that he's never going to be able to get over all these things. I'm scared that he didn't mean it when he wrote that he loved me, and I'm scared that nothing's changed."

"OK, so when you said you didn't know, you were lying." Lorelai said, sitting down.

Rory looked up at her mom with pathetic blue eyes. "I don't want this to hurt anymore."

"I know, Rory. I know." Lorelai said. "Maybe…maybe you should talk to him." It pained Lorelai to say this, because what she really wanted was for Rory to forget all about Jess. Both mother and daughter knew that this was impossible though.

Rory shook her head. "Not yet. Not now. I don't want him to see me cry again. That's not exactly my idea of a fun time. Besides, I've gotta go back to school. Fortunately, I only had two classes today, but now I'm going to have to catch up in both of them, and I have so much work to do. I have to go back now."

Lorelai nodded. "OK. That's fine. But Rory, you can't avoid this forever."

"I know that, and I won't avoid it forever. I just can't do it yet." Rory stood and went to her room. She emerged with her backpack on her back and her laundry basket full of neatly folded clothes in her arms. She walked over to where her mom was sitting and kissed her dutifully on the cheek. "Bye mom."

"Umm, Rory?" Lorelai asked.

"Yeah?" Rory responded, turning to face her mother again.

"Are you really going back to Yale in your pajamas?" She asked with a small smile.

Rory looked down at her outfit and shrugged. "It doesn't matter." She said sadly, walking out of the house.

Lorelai sat still, listening to her daughter's car door open and close. A moment later, Rory came rushing back into the house. "OK, I lied, it matters." She said as she rushed past her mother into her room, slamming the door behind her.

"Hey." Luke said, coming down to the diner from upstairs.

"Hey." Jess said, wiping down a table.

"Didn't realize you were closing up tonight." Luke commented, grabbing a rag and a bottle of sanitizer.

Jess shrugged. "Wasn't planning on it, but I figured I'd help you out."

"I appreciate it." Luke said, spraying the counter and wiping it down. "So, I was just on the phone with Lorelai."

"Huh." Jess said, pretending not to care.

"She wanted to tell me that Rory went back to school today, and that I should share that information with anyone who'd find it interesting." Luke said, not looking up at Jess.

"Well," Jess said stoically, "I'll be sure to pass it on to anyone I think will care."

"Yeah," Luke said with a smirk. "I figured I could count on you to keep the gossip wheels turning."

"You know me. Always up for some good gossip." Jess responded sarcastically, moving on to another table.

"Even willing to give Kirk extra cheese for some." Luke said, trying to keep a straight face.

Jess finally looked up at Luke, who was obviously trying not to laugh. "You can't prove that." He said, trying not to smile himself.

"Word travels in this town, kid. Next thing you know you'll be giving Patty free sausage so you can find out what Taylor said about Andrew."

"Shut up." Jess said good-naturedly.

"Hey, I know that I've given away free eggs so to find out what Jackson and Sookie are going to name their kid."

Jess looked at Luke, confused. "Sookie's pregnant?"

Luke put up his hands and said, "I've said too much, but if you hook me up with some free doughnuts…"

Jess growled and threw his rag at Luke. "You suck." He said, frustrated.

Luke frowned and said, "That hurts. Going to write about me tonight in your diary?"

"It is not a diary!" Jess exclaimed.

Luke smiled widely. "It's too easy to mess with you." He reached in his back pocket and tossed an object to Jess. Jess caught it in his hand and looked down, realizing it was the keys to his car.

"They were in the apartment. Your car's in the garage. I had it inspected. I have no idea how it passed, but it did. You're good until July of next year. You have tomorrow off, by the way." Luke said.

Jess looked at his uncle in amazement. "What makes you think I want tomorrow off?"

Luke shrugged. "Just figured if you needed to run any errands or do any light traveling that tomorrow would be a good day to do it."

Jess shook his head. "You're a meddler." He said it factually, without any hostility.

"Yes, yes I am." Luke agreed. "And you're a complete idiot. See you on Wednesday." He again busied himself by cleaning up.

Jess sighed and grabbed his coat from the hook by the door. "Thanks, Luke."

Luke turned with a smile and said, "You can thank me with a little extra bacon."

Jess didn't bother to verbalize a response. He just rolled his eyes and turned away. There was no way he was going to reveal to his uncle how much their newfound bantering pleased him. They finally had something resembling a good relationship, and Jess was glad to finally have family that he cared about, both in the form of Luke and in Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily.

Lily. Jess looked at his watch. It was only about 8 o'clock there and he'd promised to call her over the weekend and he hadn't. He stopped at a payphone and inserted numerous quarters into the slot, grateful that all Miss Patty had to tip him with today was change.

"Hello?" Jimmy answered.

"Hey, Jimmy. It's Jess." Jess responded.

"Hey, kid. How goes it?"

"I'm breathing." Jess responded, fiddling with the phone cord.

"Well," Jimmy said, "That in itself can often qualify as having a good day. How are things back in Stars Hollow?"

"Not the best." Jess replied honestly. "But hopefully that'll change soon."

"Let's hope that changes and not the status of your breathing." Jimmy quipped before saying, "Lily's been waiting for your call, rather impatiently I might add." In the background, Jess could here Lily doing a series of dramatic sighs as she waited to be handed the phone.

Jess laughed. "Yeah, you'd better put her on. This is long distance and I don't know how many more quarters I have."

"Will do. Take care, kid."

"Thanks Jimmy." Jess responded.

"Jess?" Lily asked excitedly.

"Hey Lily." Jess said, his mouth settling into a smile at the sound of the young girl's voice.

"Jess! You said you'd call over the weekend and you didn't." She said, annoyed.

"I'm sorry, Lily. It was a little crazy. I had a lot on my mind."

"Oh." Lily responded. "Did you talk to Rory?"

"A little." Jess said. "Hopefully I'll get to talk to her again tomorrow. She didn't really want to see me this weekend."

"Oh." Lily said, disappointed. "She's upset with you?"

Jess sighed. "To tell you the truth, kid, I'm not sure what her story is."

"Well, find out." Lily said, as if it was obvious.

Jess laughed at that. "Good idea."

"You love her, don't you?" Lily asked.

"I do. You know that. You did read my letters." Jess said.

Lily giggled. "Just checking. Boys change their minds sometimes. Does she love you?"

"She did." Jess responded. "At least I think she did. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was faking."

"Nope. Not possible. True love cannot be found where it truly doesn't exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does." Lily said.

Jess laughed aloud at the cheesy sentiment. "Wow, Lily. How long have you been waiting to say that to me?"

"About three weeks since I read it on the internet. I've been waiting for the appropriate moment. How'd I do?"

"Not too bad." Jess said approvingly. "I'm sure you could've found a better moment, but I'd give you an 8.7 on the appropriate scale. And, if nothing else, you made me laugh."

"Well then, I've officially done my good deed for the evening and can now hang up the phone." Lily said.

Jess smiled. "OK. Good night, Lily."

"Good night, Jess. Oh, and Jess?" "Yeah, Lily?"

"I hope things work out." Lily said.

"Thanks, Lily." Jess said honestly. "I appreciate it."

Both Jess and his 10-year-old friend-slash-almost-sister hung up the phone at the same time.

A tap came on Rory's dorm room door, and she looked up from her book. She was desperately trying to catch herself up in her Government class. Her European History class had actually been cancelled on Monday, so she didn't have to worry about what she missed, only about the reading she hadn't done over the weekend. Her Government class was a bit trickier, and she was trying her best to comprehend what she missed by reading her textbook. However, her Government class relied heavily on notes so she was still having trouble. Of course, all the other issues crowding her mind weren't helping the situation at all.

"Come in!" Rory called, looking back at her books. She quickly took Jess's notebook and placed it strategically under all her other books where it wouldn't be seen.

Nate opened the door and peeked in with a smile. "Hey there."

"Hey." Rory said, trying to mask her uneasiness with a smile that matched his. "Come on in."

Nate stepped the rest of the way in the room, closing the door only half way and Rory noticed he was carrying a notebook. He came over to the couch and sat down next to Rory. He handed her the notebook. "You weren't in Government yesterday, so I brought you my notes."

"You're a mind reader." Rory said, her smile turning grateful. "I was just stressing over missing class yesterday."

"I figured you would be." Nate said, scooting a little closer to her. "I know how serious you are about your work. Were you sick yesterday?" He asked, concerned.

"I was home." Rory responded. "I just got caught up with all this stuff that was happening there and I couldn't leave." She let out a frustrated sigh at the thought of everything that happened.

Nate smiled sympathetically and brought a hand to Rory's back. He rubbed gently between her shoulder blades, eliciting a pleased groan from Rory.

"That feels nice." She murmured, pleased to feel anything resembling good after the weekend she'd had.

"Yeah?" Nate asked softly as he began to massage her shoulders with both hands.

Rory turned her head and she was face-to-face with him. "Yeah," She whispered huskily, excited from having him so close to her.

Nate grinned at her and leaned in to kiss her. Rory allowed him to for only a moment before she pulled away, shaking her head. "No. I can't." She said.

"Why not?" Nate asked, trying desperately to mask his disappointment and annoyance. "I like you, Rory, and I thought we had fun the other night."

"I did." Rory said, pulling away from him slowly. "I did. That was quite possibly the best date I've ever been on."

"Then what's the problem? What's to stop us from doing it again, more importantly, what's to stop me from kissing you right now?" Nate asked, taking her shoulders and turning her to face him.

The problem was what it had been during their date. Nate wasn't Jess. He'd never be Jess. Right now though, Rory was seeing that as less of a problem and more of a blessing. Nate was completely drama-free. He wasn't moody or embittered, and he certainly didn't brood. He was sweet. He didn't toy with her like Jess had and he was laying his emotions right on the line for her. He was the anti-Jess. He was even more anti-Jess than Dean had been. Right now, that didn't seem like such an unfortunate thing.

"Nothing." Rory whispered. "Absolutely nothing." She leaned in and kissed Nate lightly on the lips, shifting her position to deepen it. As they both got more into the kiss, she could feel Nate shifting their positions again so he was on top of her, pinning her to the couch. Rory moved her hands to Nate's upper back, but she wouldn't allow herself to touch his hair. She feared that touching his hair would shatter the illusion that this was normal and perfectly OK.

In the distance, Rory thought she heard a noise like a soft tapping, but ignored it as her imagination. She managed to so, and almost managed to do it with the soft but rough sound she heard next. She managed to ignore it for a few seconds before her mind cleared a little and she recognized the sound, or the voice as the case was. She recognized the voice that had just let a low "Huh" escape from his lips.

Rory's eyes snapped open and shifted to the door, which was now entirely open. Jess stood there, looking extremely angry. The only thing that gave away any other emotion was the slight, barely noticeable trembling of his lower lip.

Rory uneasily placed her hands against Nate's chest and pushed him away. He turned and looked at the door, confused.

"Huh." Jess repeated, his voice low with anger.

"Jess, what are you doing here?" Rory demanded, scrambling to sit up straight and wiping her mouth with her hand.

"Catching the show." Jess snapped. "Don't stop on my account."

Nate looked awkwardly from Jess, who had violent sparks flying in his eyes, to Rory, who looked scared and sad at the same time.

"Should I leave?" He asked, not wanting to be in the middle of the war zone that seemed ready to erupt.

Rory didn't answer but Jess quickly commanded, "Yes."

Rory turned to Jess with a cold, defiant look in her eyes. "No, Nate. Stay. Jess, can we talk in my bedroom please?" It was a command, not a question. She stood and motioned to her room before turning to Nate with a small smile. "This won't take long."

Jess rolled his eyes and followed Rory into her bedroom, where she closed the door.

"What are you doing here?" Rory demanded again, trying to calm the racing of her heart.

Jess looked at Rory, amazed. "I don't think you get to ask questions right now, Rory. What the Hell was going on out there? Who the Hell is that? What the fuck were you doing kissing him?" His voice got louder with each angry question he asked.

"His name is Nate." Rory said defiantly, crossing her arms over her chest. "We went on a date about a week ago and had a really good time. He's a nice guy."

Jess let out a short, humorless laugh at that. "Nice guys don't make out with other guys' girlfriends."

"You aren't my boyfriend!" Rory snapped harshly. "You left me! You walked away and you left me feeling like an idiot. A heartbroken idiot!" Rory thought about what she'd just said. She hadn't even realized how badly that still upset her until this moment.

"You know why I did that!" Jess shouted. "There's no way I could've been the guy you needed me to be without leaving."

"No, Jess." Rory said, the calm in her voice more powerful and more terrifying than anger. "You can never be the guy I need you to be. Ever. You're too messed up and too "tortured" by your past. I am sorry for all that happened to you, but I'm sick of your past haunting you. Especially because you can't even let me in. I had to read about everything you're feeling. Your goddamn diary knows you better than I ever could."

Jess was hurt, but right now the anger that was bubbling up masked that hurt. "I can't believe you're doing this! I'm finally ready to be in this with you and you're throwing away everything we have, everything we are?"

"And what exactly are we?" Rory demanded. "We're nothing. We never got the chance to be anything. You never gave us that chance."

"So that's it?" Jess asked. "We're done?"

"We've been done." Rory replied quickly. "I've known since you left that I never wanted anything to do with you again."

The hurt was creeping to the surface now, and Jess knew that he couldn't stay here any longer and listen to her demean all that their relationship was to him.

"Fine. Have it your way." Jess said, his eyes still smoldering.

He turned to leave and his gaze fell on her desk. What he saw there unraveled everything she just said to him. He picked up his copy of A Farewell to Arms and turned back.

"If you've known all along, what are you doing with my book, Rory?" Jess demanded, thrilled that he'd caught her in this lie. He could worry about why she was lying later. Right now, all that mattered was that she was lying and that she really did still love him.

Rory rolled her eyes. "Please." She said, louder than she'd intended. "I had to read that book for my American Lit class and I refused to buy a copy. I was in Luke's one day and I took it. You can have it back."

Jess refused to let his disappointment show. He just turned around and walked out of the room. He saw Nate, still sitting awkwardly on the couch. "She's all yours, buddy." He said as he stormed out of the dorm room.

Rory took a few shaky breaths to steady herself before emerging to the common room. She sat down next to Nate and said, "Sorry about that. He's gone now."

Nate smiled sadly at her. "Yeah, I'm gonna go too. Sorry, Rory, but I can't be with a girl who's in love with someone else."

"What are you talking about?" Rory asked. How was it possible that Nate knew how she actually felt?

Nate stood and said, "You aren't taking American Lit this semester. You told me that on our date." He handed her Jess's notebook, which he'd flipped through as he listened to them argue. "That's a cute picture of you two that's taped to the back." He said. As he walked to the door, Rory barely heard him mumble, "Man, it sucks being a nice guy."

Rory looked down at Jess's notebook, hands shaking. She could feel the hot tears as they trailed down her cheeks. She'd ruined everything and ended up exactly where she was afraid she was going to. She ended up alone, crying her eyes out. She could blame Jess all she wanted, but she knew that this time it was nobody's fault but her own.