AN: Just a stupid drabble I wrote because I felt depressed at the moment. I just had to write something and hopefully it makes some sense.
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Once in a while someone is lucky enough to find the love of their lives, their soulmates. The worst part about finding them is loosing them. At least in Marissa Cooper's case. She had the most amazing, loving person right next to her, but now that person was gone forever. And because of what? Just because she was scared of being different and stand up for her choices.
The girl that stole her heart was gone and would never come back, but Marissa hadn't even noticed it before the girl had disappeared. Funny how she would fall in love with a girl when everyone thought she was meant to be with Ryan, or at least a guy. Was she a lesbian? No. Sometimes she wondered if she was even bi. All she knew was that Alex Kelly had come into her life and changed everything. She gave Marissa all the love she had and showed her how much she should be appreciated by everyone else, but of course Marissa hadn't understood this before after they had broken up and gone separate ways. Marissa knew that after Alex, everything she thought she had with Ryan was nothing. The love for Ryan wasn't real love, it was stupidity and naivety. If anyone said the word love, she would instantly think of the beautiful blonde. She still remembered every detail of Alex. How she smelled, her soft skin, her loving touch, the piercing deep blue eyes, her moist lips, her blonde hair entwined around her fingers, the incredibly sexy voice and the very vulnerable tone when she whispered I Love You. She remembered it and she wanted it. But she couldn't get it and she knew it. She had her chance and was stupid enough to let it slip away, right from under her nose. It was all there, the love and affection, but she refused to see it when she should and now when she should move on, she couldn't. So she pretended that everything was fine with her, heck she even got back with Ryan after a short time. When she thought about it he must've been really stupid…Or still is. The only thing she knew was that Ryan and pretty much everyone else never took Alex or their relationship serious. So Ryan probably thought that Alex was just a rebound after him or he pretended they never even had a relationship as anything other than close friends. She didn't have the strength or courage to fight it so she just let him think that she wanted to be with him while in reality she was pretending he was Alex. It was the only way she could bear to be around him and kiss him. When she smiled at him it was fake, but he didn't see it. When he touched her, she pretended to like it, but all she wanted to do was push him away and wash every trace of him off her body. She was back to drinking large amounts of alcohol again, but it seemed to be the same as before Alex. Either people pretended not to see it or they didn't even pay enough attention to notice she had stopped when Alex came into her life. The only one who saw the change in Marissa was Summer, and Marissa could always see the glances she would send her when she thought Marissa didn't notice or the look of concern and sadness in her best friends eyes that she tried to hide. She hadn't talked to anyone about Alex and Summer had never made any attempt to talk about her either. Maybe it was for the best anyway because she would probably brake down if she tried to talk about her or what they had. On the few occasions Alex' name was mentioned by other she would shudder to herself and flinch. Hearing anyone but herself and Alex say the blondes name hurt her because it was said with coldness and hate, something the name didn't deserve at all. She was too hung-over and emotionally drained to even argue with her mother and she went to school just so she had something to do. Her mother seemed happy because Marissa suddenly seemed like the perfect robot daughter, doing as she wanted and how everyone expected, but every night Marissa would cry herself to sleep. Wishing she could go back or that she never was born. She hated her life and had wanted to end it so many times, but she never did because that would be like deceiving Alex. She knew how disappointed Alex would be in her if she tried something like that so she never got through with it. Most likely no one even knew that she was suicidal and in deep pain because as everyone said "she looks fine." Or "she seems fine to me." She knew she wasn't and she pitied herself and hated herself more and more every day. She knew she probably deserved it though, after how she treated Alex and how badly she hurt her. The night they broke up Alex had pretended to be fine, to be the strong one, but her eyes told Marissa more than words ever could. She had broken Alex' heart to such a degree that she might not be able to recover from it, and she hated herself for that. She hated how she was so unsure and such a coward. She hated that she let everyone treat her like a doll and never did anything to say how she felt. She hated that she always hurt the ones that loved her and she hated herself for being scared and naïve and not make her own decisions. And still she kept going, even though she had nothing to live for because at the same time she had everything to live for. She lived for Alex, for the person Alex made her and she relived every second she was with her and every breath they took together because that was the person she wanted to be. It was the real her that only Alex ever got to see, the person no one else ever would. The blonde was what made Marissa beautiful and as long as they were away from each other, so would Marissa be split in two. The actress that everyone saw and the real her that only Alex made her realize existed. The part she kept locked away deep in her heart and soul where only Alex could unlock it.
So she would keep living and pretending and hurting, all for the most amazing, loving, and beautiful person in the world. The girl that stole her heart and made her feel loved and alive for the first and maybe only time. Alex Kelly.