Hello Mario fanatics! I am Sol-Ratcht Saporro. Now, I may be new to this section but I am not new to this website. I only thought I would write for the Star-Fox section but, I loved Mario ever since I laid eyes on the NES. My inspiration behind this particular piece was by all the Mario Parties I played and I thought "They kick so much ass!". The only flaw was after the 2nd Mario Party the plot kinda went fruity. So, I wanted to make a parody on the Mario Party series starting with the ground breaking first one that debuted on Nintendo 64. Please if you find silly-ass remarks and extreme OOCness offensive….DO TELL ME! I love a good rant and review. Yeah, I'm just that type of writer, very humble and accepting of all reviews. Without further ado, I shut my big yap and present to you Pario Marty 1.
Pario Marty: An elusive comedic outlook on the whole sha-bang.
By: Sol-Ratcht Saporro
Prologue: "I'm Princess Toadstool, Bitch!"
In Bowser's Castle floating right above Peach's castle,
Bowser was sitting on his big, thorny-ass shell when he thought to himself. Hmmmm…..maybe I should be the dumbass bad guy and go steal some stars or some shit like that….Who knows? I might actually get away with it and that fat ass plumber won't be able to stop me. Naw, those fuckin pricks at Nintendo always screw things up for me. Can't a bad guy get a break or something? Jeez….
Bowser yawned and he got up from his throne and walked down his hallway.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The whole place shook as he took one step after the other.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" One of Bowser's cohort's fell through the ceiling and crashed onto the ground. "Oof!" He complained and dusted himself off "Your raunchiness!" He saluted
"Who the fuck are you?" Bowser shot a brow
"Remember it's me Kamek! You're humble slave ever since you were a little prince in the making?" The robed Koopa asked
"Hmmmmm….." Bowser rubbed his chin as the area got blurry and he was going into a flashback trance
Bowser's Flashback
Bowser's mom tried to settle down a fidgety little Bowser, "Oh, what the hell are you moving for you little bitch?" She growled at the baby "I swear, I never should have tried Crack when I just found out I was pregnant. Sheesh! You move too much…."
"WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser cried out loud "Momma, Momma!" He cried some more
"Tch…..Haaaaaaah….." She sighed very heavily "KAMEK! GET OUT HERE THIS CRYBABY OUTTA HERE AND SHUT HIM UP! I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT PERMANENTLY!"
A younger version of Kamek scurried into the room and bowed to the current queen, "Yes my lady! How may I be of help?"
"Didn't you just hear me? God, you are so retarded……" She scowled "Never mind, take this nosy brat and shut him up! He's getting on my last nerves….." She released the Bowser too quick and the baby fell from her arms.
Everything became in slow motion and Kamek's eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped to the floor. "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!" He tried to run really quick but since everything was in slow motion it looked like one of those Baywatch scenes and all of a sudden the theme for Baywatch started playing…..
"WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser kept crying and a few seconds later….
THUD! Bowser hit the floor head first and all of his crying stopped instantaneously.
"Well," The mother stared at her child "I hope you're happy…..BECAUSE I AM! That shut him up! Maybe I should do that more often……Very good results. Thank you Kamek, your services weren't needed after all….."
Back to Reality
"Oh yeah….you…." Bowser shook his head and smiled
"I'm glad you remembered, my malicious lord….You see…."
BAM! Bowser gave Kamek a right hook that sent him flying across the rest of the hallway.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OOF!" Kamek's cry was silenced by the impact of the wall "Owww…..my shell…."
"That's what you get for dropping me on my head so many damn times you assrat! Now, what do you want from me pauper? I am busy!" Bowser roared
"My….My…..Lord, I was….going to inform you that your koopalings want in on the domination too!"
"Koopalings? What the fuck is that?"
"Your children sir…..Ummm….don't you remember them?"
"Children? I have more than one?" Bowser scratched his head
"…………." Kamek stared at his master. Oh….My….God….Did he forget that he had seven kids? Wow…..well, he only pays attention towards Junior. So of course he wouldn't know how much they grown. "Never mind my gnarliness, Now are you headed out to go stalk Peach and then get your ass kicked by Mario again….you know that's the third time this week…..You really outta stop…."
"SILENCE!" Bowser barked out loud "No, I am just going to look at Peach taking her routine shower, jack off and then go into the stupid little area of Mario Party One where they have the star bank and steal some stars. Then I might kick Mario's ass after my nap."
"Oh okay sir, shall I have the Koopa Clown Car ready for you your, horniness….?"
"Naw, I'm gunna pimp my ride. I hafta go to the castle window in style….." Boswer put on some shades and a feather hat and strolled out of the door with authentic pimpin' flava. As he strolled down the grand main hall way of his castle passing by Koopa Troopas stopped and stared at their loyal monarch. The Shaft theme played behind him.
One red shelled Koopa Troopa started by saying, "RUBBLE RUBBLE….." (I hear that Bowser's one bad Mother……")
Then a green shelled Koopa stood right next to him and said, "RUBBLE RUBBLE!" (Shut your mouth!)
Then the red one replied with a sad like tone, "RUBBLE RUBBLE……." (I was only talkin' about Shaft….erm, Bowser)
Then two more green-shelled Koopa Troopas joined in and said, "RUBBLE RUBBLE RUBBLE!" (We can dig it!)
Bowser then stood right in front of the garage door and opened it. The music was killed and he immediately ripped off the hat and shades and walked quickly to his '78 Cadillac Coupe Deville with a fresh lime green paint job and a front license plate that said, "THRNY DAD". As he got in the car he felt his shag interior and his big black fuzzy balls that were hanging on the rear view mirror (Gotcha there didn't I?). "Ahh! Pimpin' Pimpin!" Bowser roared with a smile then he giggled kinda weird. "Now, for some jams that I can cruise in style with….." He turned on the radio and fine tuned it to play "Fantastic Voyage" By Coolio. Then he pushed a button to activate his garage door automatic opener. As soon as the door opened, Bowser bobbed his head to the beat of the music then he started up the engine to his car and the hydraulics was kicking in full effect. As his car was literally jumping from the front wheels, he drove his car out of his garage and being the retard that he was, he drove his cherished caddie out into the vast air. After a few seconds, his car was en route to plummeting to the ground.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser screamed like a little girl as his car fell 25,000 feet from the air (Ahem….As you guys know I am exaggerating, his castle is probably right above Peach's which is approximately 2500 feet. Why not add an extra zero to make it seem funnier?). Within 10 minutes of high pitched screaming Bowser's car finally plummeted to the grounds of Princess Peach's castle.
"Owie….." Bowser got out of his totaled car then rubbed his nose "I hurt my nosey…..Ahem! Now, on to get my little princess out of that dung hole she calls a castle and get her to live with me! Heh-heh-heh….." Bowser stormed into the castle with mounds of force.
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! He stopped right in the middle of the first floor main room. "Now, where the hell is Peach?" He stomped his foot on the floor really as he was trying to think. "Hmmmmmm……" He kept stomping on the ground
A few seconds later, a blue and yellow spotted Toad came out all grumpy due to the ruckus, "Dude…..who the flip is making all that noise? It's Flippin' irritating dude….." Toad looked down at Bowser and became shocked, "Omigawd, dude…..Dude, Omigawd, Omigawd, dude…..Dude, Omigawd, Omigawd, dude…..Dude, Omigawd, Omigawd, dude…..Dude, Omigawd, Omigawd…."
"SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY! Jesus you're annoying……" Bowser roared "You have one second to tell me or I'll burn you into a crisp….WHERE IS PEACH?"
"Dude…..Are you gonna burn down this castle and kill all of us then kidnap Princess Toadstool?"
"No, no, no….I don't have time for all that, just tell me where Peach is….."
"Whew…..Well she's up in her room taking her afternoon nap. That's the best time to steal her away…..Hey you better hurry! She'll wake up in 10 minutes."
"Erm, thank you……Say, where's her room at again? I forgot already."
"Well come into these doors, then go all the way down the hall pass some double doors then go down that hallway and head straight for the door with a crown. You can't miss it dude….."
"Thank you….Blue and Yellow Toad." What a dumbass…..he should have never told me anything….
"No problem dude….." The Toad went back into the double doors and into his room.
Bowser hopped up towards the second level and went through the double doors that lead into the hallway. "Damn! This is one long-ass hallway….." He walked down the hallway and looked at the all the loud and bright colors that dazzled the area. Then he noticed a surreal picture of a Muscular Mario with his shirt off and giving sort of a sexy smile.
"Tch…..Pssssh….Digital imaging can be your friend but I think Princess was being a little too friendly with Mario's picture. THAT looks nothing like him……" Bowser huffed and continued down the hallway. Then he saw a picture of himself…..Man, that shit was soooo ugly……One of his eyes were not in proportion with each other. He looked like an anorexic turtle that's oh….it's too ugly for me to explain…..Use your imagination kids…. After seeing his portrait he simply muttered, "That bitch….." Then he kept on walking down the hallway and saw her pic…..
"……………." Holy shittycaca! She's HAWT! Bowser looked at an angelic sexy, semi-nude version of the princess in pink in lingerie. "I take back what I said about her being a "bitch"…..She's a bitch in heat! RRRRRROOORRRR……Ahem okay….I am just going to continue on to her room, like I planned….." Bowser went through the second set of double doors. As he went through the next hallway there was nothing in particular to gawk about, same old colors, fewer doors in the hallway and no art to grace the interior. Bowser kept walking down the hallway…. "cough…. cough…. I don't…..think……cough cough…..I can walk this much anymore…..this shit is too TIRING! I'm not as young as I used to be….." Bowser staggered towards the final set of double doors….
A slight creak can be heard as Bowser crept in the room. As expected Princess was still asleep in her bed. She looked ever so glamorous in her light makeup and pink dress like a widdle doll….(Awwwww….)
"Hehehehehehe…..now to take my beautiful Peach into my castle…..so we can get real freaky!" Bowser scooped her up really quick in his arms and jumped out the near by window. "Mmmph…." He grunted as he landed on his feet (A Perfect 10!) Peach did not make one type of movement at all. Bowser then thought to himself, Damn! How am I going to get up to my castle…..? I crashed the goddamn car and now I don't have a way to get up there…..Hmmmmm….Think Bowser think! You are the king of Koopas….Ah! I got it…..
Bowser dropped Peach and reached for his Celly (That's a cell phone) to call someone who might be able to help him out…..
BRRRRRING BRRRRRRING!
"Hello?" A Voice came over the phone
"Hey Scottie, watcha doing?"
Back at Bowser's crib….um….castle a Shy Guy picks up the phone "Nothing…….Sitting here supposedly looking over the fort while you are away…..smoking some bud…."
"Are you all alone?" Bowser asked
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAP!" A random voice appeared on the phone line
"WHUUUUZAAAAAAAAAAAP!" Bowser stuck out his tongue "Hey who was that?"
"Hey yo! Dooky, pick up the phone!" Scottie yelled out loud
A Brown-shelled Koopa Troopa picked up all of a sudden and said, "Yo? WHAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
"WHUUUUZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
"WAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAP!"
Then Peach woke up and joined Bowser. "WHAAAAAAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP!"
"WHUUUUZAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAP!"
"WHAAAAAZAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
"AAAAH!" The four people kept going on for about 10 more seconds and then they all grew tired of that crap.
Scottie finally asked "So sire? What are you up to?"
"Nothing….I'm…..Hold on." Bowser lowered the phone "Peach my love, you are supposed to be unconscious still….."
"Oh! I am?" Peach asked sweetly "Oh! Hee-hee-hee! Sorry!" She laid back down on the ground and resumed unconsciousness
Bowser looked at her and then he continued, "Nothing, just chillin'……Chillin….."
"True, true……" Scottie nodded his head "WAIT SIRE! Why did you call really?"
"Oh crap! Ummm….I am stuck down at Peach's castle and I don't have another way of getting to my castle…."
"Okay! Sire! I will get the tractor beam ready for you……."
"Okay! Hurry up and beam me up Scottie! (Oh, you saw that one coming….Wah-wah-waaaaahh…..)"
"Yes sir!" The little shy guy ran to the control deck and pressed a button. Then a neon blue light shone on Bowser and Peach as it was attempting to lift the both of them up. Peach was already on her way to ascending into the skies…..Bowser however, struggled.
"Grrrrrrr….." Bowser was trying to hold his patience as he was only lifted at around five inches off the ground. "Scottie, quit fucking around and Beam me up……DAMN!"
"Okay! Okay! I am trying my hardest you know……" Scottie pushed another button and Bowser started to rise a whole foot off the ground. Peach was almost to the castle.
"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! SCOTTIE I AM GOING TO RIP THAT FUCKING MASK OFF AND BEAT YOU SENSLESS WITH IT IF YOU DON'T GET ME UP INTO MY CASTLE AT ONCE!" Bowser barked over the phone
"Okay! I am going to unleash the full potential of the beams…..sheesh….fat-ass….."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
"Oh, umm…nothing sire….."
"That what I thought! Now, get cracking on that beam already……"
The shy guy pressed a whole bunch of buttons at once to strengthen the tractor beam. The new found strength sucked Peach up like soda through a straw and made Bowser ascend at a normal rate.
"That's more I like it….." Bowser scoffed as he was nearing his castle.
Within a few minutes, both Peach and Bowser were in Bowser's castle. Bowser saw his lady in comatose and approached her closely. "Ah-hah-haa! Now we will be together forever! And there's nothing that will get in the way! Not even that fat-jelly roll plumber named Mario! HAA!" He was about to grab her when
WAP! Peach had slapped the shit out of his face.
"Don't you touch me…..You…..you….big mean Pee-pee head!" Peach got up and crossed her arms and turned her nose up in a way that made it seem like she smelled shit.
"Pee-pee head? Damn, baby that's low."
"Not as low as you calling Mario, fat…..He's not fat….He's Husky…..he's toned in some sections…"
"Like his neck? HAHAHAHAHAHAH! That is even if we can see it……HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
WACK! Peach kicked him where the antique family weaponry was kept.
"OWWWWW! GOODNESS GRACIOUS……MY GREAT BALLS ARE ON FIRE!" Bowser roared in pain while grabbing his precious planters nuts. "What did you do that for you big, stupid…..cootie girl?"
"HUUUUUUUH!" Peach gasped "I DO NOT HAVE COOTIES! Do YOU wanna know why? Do ya? Do YA?" Hey voice cracked as it rose in pitch "I can't have cooties caz I have the annual Cootie shot, Cootie insurance….." She shows him a card that actually said in bold print Cootie Insurance. "And…..I have a cootie force field!" She closed her eyes and a magical pink aura glowed around her with glitter and confetti.
"……………" Bowser just stared at her in shock This bitch is postal…….she's weirder than I thought……
"Anyways, what do you hafta say about that you Big dumb flaming dooky brain? Huh? HUH?"
"Dooky-brain?" Bowser became enraged "Why don't you shut up you pink wearing booger eater!"
"BOOGER EATER? Okay! I've HAD IT!" Peach screams out loud "I AM NOT GOING TO STAND UP FOR THIS NO MORE!" She rips off the bottom part of her dress to reveal her long and sexy model-like legs
"Ooh!" Bowser smiled
"I am kicking your ass Bowser! Prepare yourself!" She got into a fighting stance
"Hah! Do you really think you stand a chance against me? Look at my physique….." Bowser flexed his right bicep and smiled "I'd crush you in a second, babe….."
"No, I don't think I stand a chance but, I will get close…..I learned Tae-Bo! HAH!" She performed a flying high kick to Bowser's head
"Ugh!" He groaned "Lucky shot…..Peachy……but I won't let you get off so easily! You'll have to work at it if you really wanna beat me."
"Pffft…..No problem….." Peach was lunging at the overgrown Koopa with kicks and punches, while Bowser's dumbass stood there and received every blow to the body and face. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAH!" She gave a nasty finisher of a roundhouse kick to the head of the Koopa king
"Uhhh! Okay! Okay! Okay! You win Peach……Please no more….." Bowser cringed on the floor and stayed there
"Hmm! That's right! Stay on tha Flo you punk BITCH!" She nudged Bowser on the floor with her foot.
BAM! A door was kicked in as seven figures stood in the doorway
"Don't worry father we have come to rescue you!" A blue haired Koopa stood out and said
"Who in God's name are you guys?" Peach turned around to see who it was
"Yeah……" Bowser was still kind of delirious from the ass whuppin "Who the fuck are you guys?"
"We are your elder children….Father…..it has been ages…..The KOOPALINGS!" The same Koopa replied
"Koopalings? Erm…..who are you again?"
"Bah, Blasted……We are your long lost seven children…..you seemed to have forgotten about us because of that junior brat….."
"Seven Children? Man, I musta gotten busy…..Wait, I think I remember your names……"
"Really Father?"
"Yeah…..it's etched in stone my son…..Let's see….You're Doc, that's Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey and Sleepy Moe…..The seven Dwarfs!"
"BAAAAAAAH! No, Father…..we are the seven Koopalings. Remember? I'm Ludwig von Koopa, that's Lemmy, Roy, Iggy, Wendy, Morton and Larry. God, they really need to start playing that old Super Mario Show again……"
"Okay…..Lugnut von Koopa, Kenji, Coy, Stiggy, Windy and the other two…..AVENGE MEEEEE!"
"Yes Father…." They all said as the seven dwarfs umm….Koopalings rushed towards Peach with un-enthusiasm. "Yaaaaaaaaaah….." They all just ran up to Peach's foot as each of them fell down
"HA-HA-HAAAA!" Peach scoffed "Some children you got Koopa…..Maybe if you spent more time with all your kids they would be able to avenge you! That's what you get for being the caca breath that you are today….Hmph!" She dragged Bowser by the feet as they made their way past the fallen Ludwig, Lemmy, Roy and…..Ah Fuck it! Their names aren't important.
"Oooh! Urgh…." Bowser moaned as he was being dragged to a window. "What? Where am I? What's going on?"
"You're about to leave MY castle……" Peach responded as she stood him upwards. He staggered a bit
"Huh? What are you talking about babe this is my castle…"
"Not anymore…..KYYYYAAAAHHH!" She kicked him out of the window
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Bowser screamed like a little bitch as he was falling to his doom.
"This is MY Castle NOW! Bitch……." She yelled out of the open hole that Bowser made "Now, to make order in here……I'll make sure Bowser never gets to see the light of day as long as I reign over both castles. You know why? Because I am Princess Toadstool Bitch!" Peach smirked as she walked off like she belonged on America's Top Model or something.
The End of the Beginning……..Or the Beginning of the end…..Whatever just,
The End of Prologue
Sol-Ratcht's Commentary…..
Well, that was fun! This being my first Mario fic and all, I enjoyed starting out this series with a bang! I would like to thank a certain someone who helped me come up with certain ideas along the way. You know who you are! Well, please leave a review and keep in tune for the next chapter! Where we actually meet the good old cast of Mario Party minus the lovely Princess. Peace out!
Sol
P.S. If you want more laughs because you don't want the party to end, Check out my other Comedy/Parody story "The Misunderstood Asylum" with the Star Fox gang and some OCs. Thanks!