Disclaimer: Hogwarts etc belongs to JKR
AN: Angstfulness.
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Chapter Two
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Gods… it hurt so much. Disconnecting one lightening bullet at a time. Spells that shredded your bones, tore out your heart. The feeling of your capillaries slowly clogging with poison intensified by magic until the pain was the only thing left, all thought and recognition melting to blood and liquid mercury, expanding in your veins.
And then it was gone.
And they left.
Alone in the dark with spells and forced antidotes piecing your body back together from the inside out.
They would never let you die.
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That slither of light that flickers and dies and flickers and dies as sun passes over moon which month by month changes yet remains your constant.
Sometimes you like to think that this is all just a phase of the moon.
At birth you were full. Full of light and purity, but as the moon wanes so did your innocence. You grew darker and darker until your spirit wore so thin it was but a crescent in the night skies. Now you have reached your ultimate darkness but something within you longs to believe that it is just a phase, and like the ever-changing moon, you'll become whole again.
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You would never be entirely sure how it happened. But within the space of two torture sessions, he became your anchor.
"Are you alright?"
…"Never Better."
A laugh (or groan, difficult to tell these days). "I'm glad."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"But you don't care."
"Should I?"
"I wouldn't."
"That's settled then."
Tentative at first. Entirely avoiding the situation at hand. Best to focus on what you already know. You hate him, he hates you. Close your eyes and it is almost as though you're back at Hogwarts. Maybe Dumbledore let Filch use those manacles in the end… Yes. That was it. You're in detention with Malfoy, give it an hour or two and you'll be back in the Gryffindor Tower, Harry and Ron arguing over quidditch…
"Do you hate me?"
"Should I?"
…"I would."
"Maybe in some other life, eh? Right now you're too far away to be hated."
It wasn't good. Dependency was not something you liked the thought of. You had lasted all the years of that damned war without once relying solely on another person, but now, when there were no big battles, death-defying missions or constant plots against your life, you felt as though the world would crumble were he to stop talking. You didn't even like him! When had you become so weak?
"Are you still there?"
"And where exactly do you think I might be going?"
"I dunno… I just needed to know."
He said nothing.
"You know, I hate you, but I'm glad you're here."
He raised an eyebrow. She didn't see. "That could be because you hate me. I can't see you longing to have Weasley hanging from the wall to be tortured alongside you."
"I didn't mean it that way! I'm just… glad I'm not alone. I don't want you tortured any more than I want it for myself."
A pause and then. "I have decided to take that as a compliment. Thank you, Granger."
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"Don't push me, Granger!"
"Or you'll do what? What's big bad evil Malfoy going to do from way over there? Curse me?!"
"I should have fucking let them kill you back then! Then I wouldn't have to fucking well deal with you as well as them! You're driving me absolutely fucking INSANE!"
"GOOD! You're doing my head in! Why cant you just crawl into the corner and die in silence! It's always me, me, ME with you isn't it? Doesn't occur to you that I'm going through the exact same thing, when I didn't even betray them as you did! At least you had a say when you made them your enemies! I was born with it! Born with some defect that doesn't even exist! I'm being condemned for something that has nothing to do with me and it's not FAIR!"
"LIVE WITH IT!!"
"I wouldn't have to if it wasn't for you!! Why the HELL did you have to 'save' me back then? What was wrong with just leaving me to their Avada's? Hadn't I suffered enough?! This is all your fault! All of it! If you hadn't gone and switched sides he wouldn't have got so mad so suddenly and gone and caught us by surprise! You gave him a reason to hit sooner than we expected and without you we might have had a chance! Harry might have had a chance and Ron and Ginny and Lupin and Tonks might still have been living!"
"How the fuck can you say that? If it weren't for me you would have died that night at London Bridge! All of you! Potter and Weasley included! If it hadn't been for me then, all of you would have died before you managed to get a final warning out the muggles!"
"Oh! And that was solely due to your pure heart was it, Malfoy? You saw us there and thought, my goodness, what a shame it would be for those nice people to burn to the ground with the rest of Muggle London? Did you? No! You saw us and thought it would be a great way to get back at your father, for, what was it? Oh yes. Throwing a wine glass at you in company. Oh shock horror. What a wonderful reason to save the world."
"My reasoning's got nothing to do with it! I'm the only reason you got anywhere! I taught Potter how to block out crucio for god's sake!"
"Oh please! You only did that so you could have an accepted reason to torture your number one enemy!"
"What?! I jumped in front of curses for him! Hardly something I'd do for someone I wanted dead!"
"Keeping up appearances Malfoy. That's what you purebloods are all about isn't it? Appearances and reputations. Maybe that was why you did it... To keep up that façade of yours for being so terribly, terribly daring and radical. You must have been so proud. Had the whole world talking didn't you? When you changed sides. The new hero. You were only ever in it for the attention! Got bored of Pansy's whining did you? Thought you'd go establish another fan base? Well some of us were fighting for something more than that! And some of us lost everything fighting for what we believed was right! Not just for ourselves, but for an entire world of people, who if all went well, would never even know we existed!"
"What appearances do you think I was trying to keep up?? I shattered just about every principle I was supposed to have when I joined Potter and lost every scrap of dignity I possessed when I tried time and time again for friendship, or at least a truce with a Mudblood that was so wrapped up in her petty prejudices and wounded pride that she couldn't even see a genuine plea for help when it was staring her in the face!"
"Petty prejudices?! I was not prejudiced! And what plea for help?! You got drunk and asked me to sleep with you! Neither a try for friendship or a truce and certainly not anything genuine!"
"Not just that time! I did everything I could and you just blocked me out! And you are! You're just about the most prejudiced person I've ever met!"
"I've met your father Draco Malfoy! You better take that back!"
"Or what?"
"I'll– Argh! You Bastard!"
The silence that followed was one of the most oppressive you could remember from your stay there in the dark. It was as if every particle in the room was so highly charged that the slightest movement or sound could cause the spark that would end the world.
You weren't going to apologise. What you had said you believed and he was the same. You were too stubborn back then. Too unaccustomed to a place where there was someone with more will to fight than you. Before you were superior for your ability to see goodness in the evil that tore your world apart and he was superior for his blood and his breeding and the way he had seen the darkness and rejected it. But now… Now you were the closest thing to equal you had ever been and bit by bit it was breaking you down. Crumbling those longstanding walls and prejudices.
But those walls and prejudices where the things that made you who you were… What would happen with them broken you did not know and so you fought against it… And fought against him. And he fought back… In those first few weeks (or months or years) it was almost like being home again. Back at Hogwarts, where he was Slytherin and you were Gryffindor and snakes were bad and lions good and all was simple and made sense…
But then there was the silence and you knew and he knew that you were further away from home than you had ever been before. And there was no going back.
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