t wasn't the sight of himself as a hot blonde bombshell that caused him to scream. It was what was missing, down there. It really was gone. The whole unit had mysteriously vanished along with the rest of his masculinity. He stared at the reflection, not even caring that he'd pissed himself, nor that his micro-mini shorts were somewhere around his ankles. He could not grasp the concept that his best friend since he was twelve was gone. Little Seifer was really gone!
It had to be some kind of bizarre nightmare. Had to be. This could not possibly be happening to him.
"Seifer, what are you screaming about?!" Rinoa cried as she pushed open the door. "It sounds like you're being murdered in here!"
Seifer let out a yelp as she poked her head inside and he reached for his soiled shorts. "Out!" he cried as he attempted to cover his nudity and his missing equipment.
Rinoa began to giggle. She covered her mouth with her hand to try and hide the giggles, but Seifer saw them nonetheless. "I never figured you for a prude," she said with a teasing smile. "Trust me, Seifer, you don't have anything I haven't seen before." She paused for a moment and giggled again, this time not bothering to mask her amusement. "Well, that's not exactly true. I've never seen a guy with boobs before."
"I said out!" he cried and slammed the door in her face.
Once she was gone, he sat down on the edge of the bath and stared at the mammoth things on his chest. He appreciated breasts, as most men do. A nice set was a lovely thing to behold, but not when they belonged to him. As bad as the situation was, at least he was a good looking woman. He didn't know how he'd have reacted if the reflection in the mirror had been a hideous hosemonster with buck teeth, zits and nerd glasses. But being a hottie did not make up for his missing masculinity. And he still had to deal with the issue of his urine soaked shorts. Though his pride had taken a serious blow, he still had enough left in him to keep him from asking Rinoa for help. Problem was, he couldn't sit in the bathroom until the spell wore off or Rinoa figured something out. Eventually, she would have to use the bathroom, and he would have to leave.
Eventually, he would have to eat.
After a few moments, he sucked it up, swallowed his battered pride and called for Rinoa.
"I need a change of clothes," he muttered when she poked her head in the door for the second time. His cheeks flamed and he couldn't look her in the eye. "Don't ask, just bring me something."
He heard the sound of a stifled giggle, but he was grateful that she didn't further humiliate him by going hysterical on him again. When she returned she handed him a tiny black skirt, a pair of socks and a pink thong. "These are new, never worn," she said referring to the panties, as if it mattered. "I think the skirt will fit you, but it might be a little short."
He took the clothes from her and held up the thong, a baffled expression on his face. He'd never understood why girls wore the things. It seemed to defeat the purpose of wearing underwear in the first place. Might as well go commando. Sexy? A definite yes. Practical? No.
Rinoa turned the thong around and gave him an annoyed look. "It goes on like this."
"I know how it goes on," he snapped. "Now let me change. In private."
When he emerged from the bathroom, Rinoa gave him a once over and then flashed him a smile. "Not too bad."
"Can it, princess," he said and flopped onto Rinoa's bed in a rather ungraceful manner. "So what's the plan? How are we going to change me back?"
"Your guess is as good as mine."
"That's not what I want to hear," he said. "You will change me back because I am not going to spend the rest of my life looking like this, even if I am hot."
Rinoa gave him an annoyed look. "Actually, I was on my way to the library when you started screaming like a banshee, thank you very much."
"Run along then, little slave of mine. Go figure out how to change me back."
"Keep it up and I'll let you figure it out on your own," Rinoa said and narrowed her eyes at him. "You'll have to die a woman."
"Quit yappin' and go," Seifer said as he lay back on the bed and crossed his arms behind his head. "Oh, and on your way back, pick me up a turkey sub, no mayo."
Rinoa crossed her arms and gave him a frosty glare. "Get it yourself,
your highness."
Seifer was hungry. Rinoa had been gone for hours and the cafeteria would close in twenty minutes. He didn't want to leave the room, but it looked like he would have to if he wanted to eat before breakfast. Reluctantly, he got up from the bed and headed for the cafeteria. He kept his head down on the way there, embarrassed by his appearance. It felt as if everyone was staring at him.
The tiny bit of material that was supposed to be underwear began to ride up as he walked, wedging deeper and deeper with each step. And the bra! It was the most uncomfortable contraption he had ever known. The straps pulled on his shoulders and there was something sharp poking him on the underside of his left breast. It dug into his skin and with each bounce it hurt more and more until he wanted to rip the thing off and beat Rinoa senseless with it.
In the cafeteria, he ordered a foot long sub and waited impatiently while the sandwich was prepared. It felt like everyone was staring at him.
"Yo, have you seen Seifer?" a familiar voice asked the girl standing behind him. Seifer glanced over his shoulder. It was Fujin and Raijin, his posse.
"I think I saw him go to the training center earlier," the girl said in a meek voice, "but that was about lunch time."
"MISSING," Fujin said.
"Naw, he's not missing, ya know. He's probably off with some girl, ya know? He was after that Ashley chick last week, so like, he's probably with her, ya know?"
Seifer wanted so badly to talk to them, but he figured it was best to maintain a low profile until he was himself again. Then again, if anyone was to believe him, they would.
"Hey, you look kind of familiar, ya know?" Raijin said as he approached, a dumb expression on his face. "Were you in my nuclear physics class last year? Ya know, with instructor Dunne?"
"I don't think so," Seifer said and shuffled away, attempting to keep his face in profile to the pair.
"I'd swear I know you, ya know?"
Fujin stared hard at him for a long moment and nodded slowly. "FAMILIAR."
"I know what it is," Raijin said. "She kinda looks like Seifer, ya know? Somethin' about the eyes."
"SISTER."
"Fujin was just sayin' . . . ."
Seifer had enough of the scrutiny and said, "I know what she was saying, idiot. I look like I could be Seifer's sister."
Fujin turned purple. "RAGE!"
"Don't get your panties in a bunch, Fuj," Seifer said as he accepted his freshly wrapped sub from the cafeteria lady. "You're looking for Seifer, right?"
"Yeah, you seen him?" Raijin asked.
Seifer looked around. "Let's go get a table at the back. I'll tell you all about it."
He didn't see the harm in telling his best buddies the situation. If anything, Fujin wouldn't care, and Raijin was too dumb to be anything but confused or sympathetic.
Once the tale was told, however, he realized he'd made a mistake. Raijin was indeed confused, but Fujin, who had never smiled, let alone laughed began to make a strange heh-heh-heh noise that quickly became an odd witch-like cackle. She howled and threw back her head, real tears streaming out of her one good eye. Seifer had never seen Fujin smile, let alone laugh and it disturbed him almost as much as this whole situation did. It seemed like the whole world was going to hell.
"COMEDIAN."
"Fujin was just saying you're funny, ya know. That was a good joke, but I didn't understand all of it, ya know?"
"It's not a joke," Seifer said, frustrated. "I am Seifer."
"How you can be Seifer if you're a girl?" Raijin asked. Then he grew suspicious. "I thought you said you knew where Seifer was. We was lookin' for him, ya know?"
Fujin made the heh-heh noise again and wiped away a tear from the corner of her eye. "FUNNY."
Seifer threw his hands up and sat back in his chair. He thought of anyone, his friends would believe him, but they didn't. Then he remembered what Rinoa had told him. "Fine, you got me. I'm not Seifer. I'm his sister, Seiferia, from Galbadia."
"So, like, where's Seifer?"
"I don't know," Seifer said. "He asked me to come visit him, and then this afternoon, he took off saying he wanted to be a mountain man and live as one with nature."
"GONE?" Fujin asked, suddenly serious again.
"I'm afraid so."
"That doesn't sound like Seifer, ya know? He hates flowers and trees and all that hippie stuff."
Seifer returned to Rinoa's room weary and depressed. Rinoa was there waiting for him, a grim expression on her face. "I've got some bad news for you Seifer," she said as he flopped onto the bed.
"If you're about to tell me you can't change me back, stuff it, because that's not what I want to hear."
Rinoa sighed. "I can't change you back."
Seifer shook his head and pulled the boots off of his feet. "Wrong answer."
"And the magic won't wear off, either," she said. "You're stuck this way, like it or not."
He stared at her from his place on the bed, uncomprehending. "No."
"Yes," she said. "Starting tomorrow, you begin your life as Seiferia Almasy. I asked Squall to put you in all of Seifer's classes so that you don't fall behind. He needs you to sign some papers before curfew, so put your shoes back on."
"No. No, no, no, no!" He was close to tears, something he hadn't been since he was a child. Seifer Almasy didn't cry, but his body seemed to be on the verge of betraying him. "I can't stay like this, Rinoa."
Seifer hated the desperate tone in his words. He sounded less demanding and more sissified than he'd ever heard himself in his life.
"You're going to have to," Rinoa said firmly. "Shoes. Now."
Seifer crossed his arms and glared at her. "Do you know how much I hate you right now?"
Rinoa crossed her arms and looked at him with pity in her eyes. "Yeah, I guess you do. Hate me all you want, though. It doesn't change anything," she said. "You might as well try to get used to it. Being a girl's not so bad."
"Easy for you to say," Seifer pouted. "You've never been turned into a man."
"Look, Seifer, this isn't easy on me either. I feel terrible, ok?
"Well you should!" he screamed at her. "And by the way, what did you tell Squall?!" Seifer imagined that they'd had a good laugh together about his circumstances.
"That you were Seifer's sister," she said, annoyed. "Did you seriously think I'd tell him the truth?"
This was the worst news yet. He was going to be a girl for the rest of his life.
For the second time that day, he opened up his mouth and screamed.
"Good Hyne, what was that?" Quistis asked as she looked up from her cards that were laid out on the table. Zell had challenged her to a game of triple-triad before curfew. They were sitting in the common area between the girl's dorms and the boys, and the sound had come from the girl's hallway. "It sounds like someone's in trouble."
Zell grinned like a madman for a second. It was still hysterical to him what had happened to Seifer. He considered it poetic justice, and damned funny justice at that.
Before Quistis could do the motherly thing and go check on the screaming girl, the now feminine Seifer stomped down the hall, Rinoa close behind her.
"Who is that?" Quistis asked, staring at the blonde bombshell in awe.
"Someone told me she's Seifer's sister," Zell said with a shrug and he could barely restrain the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. He would have loved to have spread the word, but Seifer had threatened him with death should he open his mouth.
"Since when has Seifer had a sister?" Quitis wondered aloud and watched
the spectacle from her seat.
"Will you slow down?" Rinoa cried.
"How 'bout you walk faster," Seifer grunted in his girlie voice.
The pair was nearing the end of the hallway, and Seifer was doing his best to leave Rinoa behind, but the damned little harpy didn't get the hint. He didn't need her to hold his hand while he signed the papers, he could do it on his own. Seifer was trying hard to think of himself as Seifera, but he wasn't having much luck. He was still a long way off from accepting this situation as permanent.
"How about you be less of a dick," Rinoa shot back, scampering behind Seifer like an annoying little rat.
Seifer stopped and glared down at the smaller girl. "How about you fix what you've done? No? Then I'll be as big a dick as I want for as long as I want, ok?" He paused, looked around and reached behind him, then stuck his hand down the back of his skirt. He had a massive wedgie, the kind that hurt and he yanked the offending piece of elastic from between his cheeks for what must have been the hundredth time. "Hyne, how the hell do you stand these thongs?"
"You get used to it," Rinoa said with a shrug and she continued walking.
"We can go shopping in Balamb tomorrow so that you won't have to keep wearing
my underwear."
"OHMYGOD!" Seifer cried and put her hands to his head as he realized
they had an audience. "You did not just say that out loud!"
Notes
======
I'm truly demented. You ever involve yourself in something so much that you have dreams about it? Well, last night I had a dream involving both characters from the Simpsons and FFVIII. Woke up laughing and with a sudden need to write an absurd fan-fic about it. And you know what? I blame you Flaming Moe. If not for your unhealthy obsession with donuts all things Simpsons I wouldn't be in this predicament......I double dog dare you, buddy......yo mama.......*L*
So people, this is the latest installment. Not as funny as the first, but I hope you enjoyed it. Review if the urge strikes you.
Take care and beware of the Three-Eyed-Fish.