A/N: Hey guys! Ya miss me? (grin) I just KNOW ya did! Well, I'm back with another chapter of the Multi-Slash Rayearth Bash, and you may curse Jade for any and all trauma this fic may put you through! (ducks behind Jade) Because it's all her fault.

Jade: NOT! (pushes me out in front)

(ahem) O-KAY. Well, we've got some special bonuses for you this chapter! Check out the end of the chappie for an O! MA! KE! written by Jadey. You CAN blame her for THAT. )3 So eeevuhl…and NOW, I shall ACKNOWLEDGE REVIEWERS' EXISTENCE! (like yours!)

JadeySports: Me am glad you think it's brilliant! (3 (squibbles) Ahh, my sole confidante of material in future chapters…this fic would literally not exist w/out j00, Jadey! Tankies muchly!

kaze.windam: Glad this made you laugh: we aim to please! Don't worry, I'm finishing it…YES world, I shall FINISH something for once! (stop the presses)

Hyperlink/Mokhiniso: Oui, warped minds think alike! (or something along those lines…) THIS fic is the reason you shouldn't leave Jadey and I to our own devices for long periods of time! )3 Eeevuhl is we.

Dragon of Winter Nights: Hee! (3 Y'know, I had no idea Clef/Ascot was so popular! First Jade, then you…heh! No idea the idea would be so popular…but REMEMBER peoples, this is a PARODY!

Yume no Kokoro: Heeey, that's what I'M doing! XD I swear, MANY too many people like Clef/Ascot! Maybe instead of making FUN of shonen-ai pairings, I'm actually ENCOURAGING them…? 0.0 Oh God, what have I DONE! XD

So. Read. Right now. Ja.

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Lantis had barely reached the door of Clef's private office when a nasally voice resounded down the corridor form behind him. Hearing the ominous flapping of wings, fear reflexively sprang into Lantis's eyes. He turned around slowly, to face the horror. It couldn't be…no, it HAD to be—

"HIIIII, LANTIIIIIS!" Primera popped up from behind his shoulder-guard, scaring the Cail half to death. Of course, his facial expression was identical as it always was…but Lantis had a good idea that he would need to change his underwear quite soon. Ignorant, the fairy continued to ramble. "Lantis, Lantis, where've you been all day, that white puffball rabbit tried to body slam me again and I was stuck for an hour, and I yelled for you but you didn't come, why are you ignoring me Lantis, I think we've grown apart since those magic knights came, and why do you spend so much time around that Hikaru girl anyways Lantis, heyyy, are you even listening to me? LANTIIIS!" Jolted out of his wits, Lantis continued to ignore the persistent, persnickety, pocket-sized pixie, turning instead to turn the doorknob to the Study. As it clicked open, Lantis had no idea what he was about to find would scare him far more.

"….."

"Oh…my…Mokona…"

"GOOD MOKONA, LANTIS, WHAT ARE THEY DOING!"

Clef and Ascot were sprawled over each other on top of Clef's desk, piles of paper and miscellaneous magical knickknacks having been shoved to the floor around it. Ascot's cape, tunic, and shirt and all been discarded. Both were extremely sweaty. An out-of-breath Clef had apparently been kissing his way down Ascot's neck, due to a large hickey forming on the side of it. And Ascot, a glazed expression in his eyes, had just been in the process of taking off Clef's shirt. Both now stared wide-eyed at Lantis and Primera, standing in the doorway, and then simultaneously snapped their heads around to stare at each other…not a hard feat, since, to their discovery, their faces were now less than an inch apart.

That night, a cry rang throughout all of Cephiro, one that curdled milk, shattered glass, and killed flies in midair.

"WTF!"

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"Doo-doo, do-do-DOO, doo, do-do-DOO, DOO, do-do—"

"Shhh!"

The two Earth girls were currently in the process of tiptoeing down a corridor, James Bond-style, pressed against the wall. Jade had made the mistake of humming the James Bond theme song, one of the oldest styles of physical humor known to date, earning a sharp glare from her partner. "Jade, we don't even know where this is all happening, or where the Slash Monster is! And we haven't disguised ourselves yet…it's very important that we do NOT get questioned until we at least have the Slash Monster's coordinates!"

A high-pitched, girly scream resounded from the other end of the castle, as the two sweatdropped. Jade grinned. "I'd say he's somewhere at the other end of the hall. You?"

Narri rolled her eyes as Jade tiptoed by her. "I'd shay he's shomewhere in da uvver end of da hall. Joo?" she mimicked under her breath, following the bouncing redhead. Suddenly, they both remembered something. "THE COSTUMES!" they exclaimed simultaneously, turned to sprint down the corridor the way they'd come.

Fifteen minutes later, the girls found themselves exactly where they'd taken off from, only this time they were out-of-breath and irritable. "Dangit!" Narri exclaimed. "We can't find Clef or ANYbody else until we put on the outfits…and we can't do THAT without—"

"AH SWEAR Presea, you absolutely HAVE to try this on! I ain't taking no for an answer!"

"But Caldina, your stuff never fits me…and when it DOES, I might as well be wearing that swimming outfit the knights brought me from Earth!"

"But ain't they adorable? S'a matter of fact, I'm wearing MAH 'swimming suit' to a performance next week!"

"Caldina!"

"Whaaat?"

Jade and Narri turned to face each other, suddenly sporting identical evil grins. The two raced in side a nearby closet to hide as the voices of Pharl Presea and Caldina came closer.

Inside the closet, Jade and Narri frantically discuss battle tactics in hushed voices.

"So when they walk by—"

"We jump out and club them over the head, I know, I know!"

"Okay then, and…in case of failure…"

"…?"

"Abort mission: run like hell and meet back here in an hour?"

"Sounds good. Hit it!"

With an animalistic roar, the two fangirls sprang from the closet, right on top of a (now-freaking) Caldina and Presea. Launching everything they had at the unsuspecting duo, and making extremely good use of a couple of frying pans, a collection of multi-colored sporks, a shinai-shaped umbrella and a letter opener, rendered Caldina and Presea unconscious in a matter of minutes. Narri quickly commences tying up Caldina, and Jade—

BONG! BONG! BONG!

uh, Jade…

"Jadey!"

"TAKE THAT, YOU HOMEWRECKER!"

BONG! BONG! BONG!

"JADE!"

"Steal MY CLEFFIE, will you, you orange-haired HUSSY!"

BONG! BONG! BONG!

"Put DOWN the frying pan, you're gonna KILL HER!"

"GOOD! More Clef for me!"

"JAAAA-ADE!"

…Jade is…apparently not done subduing Presea yet. Though the Pharl is already unconscious…

+5 Min. Later…+

Narri sighed as she adjusted Caldina's choker around her own neck. "Honestly Jadey, you were gonna kill her!"

"Nuh-uh!" Jade protested, yanking Presea's tall socks over her own short legs. "I just wanted her out of commission! How come you always pair her and MY Cleffie, anyways?"

"Because they just work out so WELL together!" Narri gushed, having a shipper moment. "And he's not YOURS Jade, he's CLAMP's. Ya gotta remember, we're not even canon characters!" Annoyed, she tried to pull Caldina's bikini-esque outfit around so it would cover more. "Dangit! Why does she have to dress like every day's Spring-freakin'-Break!" complained the modest teen.

"Because Lafarga's into that!" Jade smirked, clasping her hands and puckering her lips in Narri's direction. The blonde shuddered, and promptly changed the subject. "I have a feeling we're gonna have to test out Cephiro's 'power of will'. Look at you!" Jade glanced down at her tiny body, Presea's various garments drooping off of her everywhere. "Whaaaat? Oh, like you have the build to pull off Caldina!"

"I'M not as bad! I'M filling out!"

"Why you…"

Narri sighed. "Sorry. Okay, we both know how this works." Jade agreed. "We've read enough fanfics…"

"Right. So just concentrate REEEAL hard, and just…think tall thoughts!"

"I THOUGHT you were sorry!"

)( Five minutes and a good deal of DNA-bending body-morphs later…)(

A MUCH taller Jade stepped out of the broom closet, peering down the hallway to check for civilians they might have to (cough) "make disappear for a while". Narri, having finished tying up their two victims (and having dropped about 15 pounds, and now looking much more busty), was pulling out a set of mini-screwdrivers to work on her PDA again. "Stay cool Jadey, I'll HOPEFULLY have this done in a sec. Just keep watch or something. Oooh, I'm gonna kill that bunny…" she mumbled as she fiddled with her PDA. Jade adjusted her Presea wig and tried to look as Pharl-ish as possible. "Right. Got it. Keeping watch." She mumbled to herself, striking a lookout pose. Suddenly, her super-sonic ears detected a pair of small feet dashing frantically down the hall adjacent to theirs. She hastily kicked the closet door closed ("Hey! It's dark in here!") and struck an innocent and unsuspicious pose. She already had her speech mapped out in case anyone questioned her: 'Hi there! Yeah, I'm just waiting to meet my darling Clef…we're dating!' Sure, that was very convincing… However, the last person the teen expected to see came racing helter-skelter around the corner and down the hall at that very moment.

Guru Clef was racing at nearly a breakneck speed down the hallway, his hair a mess and his robes half-off. Spotting Jade, or at the moment Presea, he made a beeline straight for the fangirl (who was just a leetle bitty bit overcome, and resembling a deer in the headlights). "Presea! Thank Mokona…!" he cried, seizing her by the arms and dipping her over backwards…

…for an extremely passionate, all-out, cue-the-bells-and-whistles, chibi-cupids-in-the-background smooch.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending from whose perspective you're viewing this), Narri found her way out of her own private jungle of color-coded wires and extension cords and tripped out of the closet, just as Lantis and an equally frantic Ascot came running down the hall in pursuit of Clef. With much effort, the two were pried apart (Jade not putting up much resistance, being now fully paralyzed with awe) and the two taller guys dragged Clef off from whence they'd come. "Come ON Clef…"

"I'm a man, I tell you! A MAAAAN!"

"Um…sorry about this, girls…" A disgusted/confused Lantis made their excuses. Narri, supporting Jade (who had pretty much turned into a drooling, quivering mass of jello with heart-shaped eyes), replied with a genki little giggle, "Aww, no problem, boys! Y'can't stop the forces of love, y'know?"

She only just remembered she was masquerading as Caldina in time to use the ditzy southern accent, but being from Kentucky, it was hardly a problem.

Ascot looked on the verge of spontaneous combustion, although far more stable than Clef (whom Lantis was having to drag by himself: Ascot was NOT going within 3 feet of the Master Mage at the moment). "Yeah…something like that…" he replied vaguely as the trio disappeared around the corner.

Narri frowned, dropping the Valley Girl façade. Such behavior as was just displayed was common from the Slash Monsters' victims. She remembered how, in the Slayers fandom, Zelgadis promptly and unhesitatingly proposed to Princess Amelia after the Slash Monster compelled him to make out with Xellos, and how in the Fruits Basket universe, Kyo Sohma had to be rushed to the emergency room via helicopter after the Homosexual Horror paired him up with Hatsuharu. Really, Narri concluded, they were extremely lucky that the Cephiran citizens were behaving this well. They were also pretty lucky that, as far as THEY knew, the Slash Monster only affected guys: otherwise their prey would've had her and Jade shacked up and off his trail LONG ago.

Oh, and speaking of Jade…the fangirl/Monster-hunter had yet to regain consciousness, and was mumbling incoherent phrases that sounded dangerously like she was confessing her undying love to the incapacitated Guru. Narri rolled her eyes, hoping that SHE didn't behave like this around HER bishounen of choice. She also hoped that Jade would remember that Clef thought she was Presea at the time…and that their special little broom closet had an abundance of sponges. She had a feeling she would need to mop Jade off the floor before they made any further moves.

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A/N: FINALLY, an update! XD I know, I know, ya'll were absolutely DESOLATE, right? (Yah, I wish…) Well! Here today, we have an extra BONUS FEATURE, courtesy of the Jadey (GTJ)! So ya'll be appreciative 'n review nicely, okies? Okies! See ya next time!

Next chapter: Ferio and Lafarga get it on, and we discover the DOWN side to our little masquerade! XD Ja!

O! MA! KE!

Jade and Narri no Video Diary! 0

Two Earthling teenagers were brought in to Cephiro today in a hope to exterminate the elusive Slash Monster. Narri, one of the teenage duo released this statement: "The Slash Monster has been causing havoc around Cephiro castle! Kailu Lantis has admitted to having kinky thoughts about Eagle Vision, sub commander of the NSX. Bal Ascot and Guru Clef have been spotted making out-" It was at this point Jade interrupted "HELL YEAH! Guy-on-guy action!" Jade was then gagged by Narri. "Also, due to the trauma the situation is putting on its victims, Cail Lantis almost had a FACIAL EXPRESSION!" The two girls plan to defeat the Slash Monster and keep him as a pet "We're going to call him Slashy-kun," commented Jade. Will these two hormonal teens defeat the Slash Monster? Only time will tell.

NARRI AND JADE'S VIDEO DIARY!

Narri: Welcome viewers to... Narri and Jade's Video Diary!
Jade: Now we have an exclusive interview with Guru Clef! Yay!
Narri: I'm not letting you interview him... imagine the questions (Gags Jade)
Clef: O.o;
Narri: So... where were you?
Clef: In my study...
Narri: With?
Clef: Ascot...
Narri: And then what?
Clef: Well, just like that (clicks fingers) I started to find him... attractive...
Narri: ...Attractive?
Clef: Well... Actually... He was more like... Goddamn sexy... He was all out of breath and stuff...
Narri: O.o Why?
Clef: He had just done an experimental spell.
Narri: Ok. And then what happened?
Clef: We... (blushes violently) ...kissed...
Jade: (degags self) Was he any good!
Narri: Jaaaade! (regags Jade) So... erm... Who came on to whom?
Clef: I... It was me... I came on to him...
Narri: And then what?
Clef: Lantis came in...
Jade: (degags self) Did he join in?
Clef: O.o (snick)
Narri: (regagging Jade) Then what?
Clef: Ascot and I realized what we were doing and broke apart...
Narri: And..?
Clef: That was it really...
Narri: As you can see viewers, Clef was left traumatized and deeply disturbed. This is Narri!
Jade: (degags self) This is Jade!
Narri and Jade: Ja!

(OFF-CAMERA)

Jade: Awww. I wanted to interview Cweffy (pouts)
Narri: You managed to input two whole questions into that interview...
Jade: Which, may I add, were left unanswered...
Narri: And just by going off those two questions... An interview with you would be... disturbing...
Jade: Fine. (pouts) ...Omg!
Narri: What?
Jade: I've just come up with another of my ever so wonderful theories!
Narri: Really?
Jade: Yeah! I'll get back to you with it! (Jade runs off) Baiiii!

NARRI AND JADE'S VIDEO DIARY! Take #2!

Jade: Greetings my devoted followers. Jade here! No Narri though, she's off somewhere... Today, I wish to present to you another 'Jade Theory'... Ahem... ASCOT IS THE ONE BEHIND THE SLASH MONSTER!
Ascot: (tied up) What!
Jade: Ahem. So, Ascot... Is it or is it not true you have a special connection with creatures?
Ascot: Well, yes I do, but-
Jade: And you can summon and communicate and control these creatures?
Ascot: Yes, but-
Jade: The Slash Monster is a creature, yes?
Ascot: Yes, but-
Jade: But what?
Ascot: I HAVE NO CONNECTION TO THE SLASH MONSTER!
Jade: Suuuuure... In fact... It's you who released the Slash Monster, wasn't?
Ascot: Eh?
Jade: You're using the Slash Monster as a cover-up, aren't you?
Ascot: Eh?
Jade: You want Clef, don't you!
Ascot: What?
Jade: You want Clef! You want to hold him and hug him and kiss him and make out with him and squeeze him and feel him and undress him and lick him and-
Ascot: NO! NO NO NO! STOP RIGHT THERE! STOP!
Jade: Do you have no consideration for Clef's feelings in all of this? Haven't you considered that he loves someone else?
Ascot: I am aware that he likes Presea...
Jade: Presea? Presea! PRESEA! Never mind Presea! What about meeee!
Ascot: ...(scared)
Jade: Moving on.. Tell me truthfully... Do you like -like- Clef?
Ascot: O.o no
Jade: You can tell me! I won't tell anyone!
Ascot: Listen. I have no interest in Clef.
Jade: Oh really? And then what do you call this? (holds up artist's impression of the Slash Monster)
Ascot: That… Is the Slash Monster...?
Jade: Which -you- released just so -you- could make out with Clef!
Ascot: No.
Jade: But then you were disturbed by Lantis and thus you did not get very far with Clef! How far would you have gone with Clef anyway?
Ascot: I can not believe I am hearing this...
Jade: A little pixie told me you were both undressing each other...
Ascot: O.o
Jade: But never mind! AND THEN because you got ticked off at Lantis you seeked revenge by setting the Slash Monster upon Lantis and made him have kinky, kinky thoughts about Eagle.
Ascot: But wasn't that before Lantis came to the study?
Jade: That is not the point! And then you took out your anger on Ferio and Lafarga and set the Slash Monster on them as well!
Ascot: No…that hasn't even HAPPENED yet…
Jade: Who will you set the Slash Monster upon next? Who? Who! WHO!
Narri: (barges in) JAAAADE! Stop harassing poor Ascot!
Jade: Sorry Narri-chan :3
Narri: I'm sorry about this Ascot. She's mentally insecure.
Ascot: I gathered
Narri: Come on Jade.
Jade: Coming! This is Jade! JA!
(Jade and Narri leave)
Ascot: Will someone untie me? Please? …And…where the hell's my hat!

Jade: (walking down the hall) See? Look what I got for you! Now don't be maaaad…

Narri: (walking also…and wearing Ascot's hat) Siiigh…okay. You're off the hook. Thanks for the hat.

Jade: (3

XDDD Bai bai