Sit, Boy!
Disclaimer: I own Inuyasha. I won it at a raffle along with a year's supply of Cheese Whip. No, wait, that wasn't what I was supposed to say. I DON'T own Inuyasha, but wish I did, hence this dumb fanfic about Inuyasha screwing up. And I don't have no mullah, don't sue, blah, blah, blah, this is for entertainment purposes only, no money involved, I am a poor brainless and lifeless teenager enslaved to Rumiko Takahashi, who is the best manga writer ever.
Miroku moved another game piece. "Check," he muttered.
Sango looked down at the board with a furrowed brow, concentrating. Kagome had brought this game from her world and taught it to them a while back. Since, Miroku was the only one who seemed to win at this "chess." In frustration, Inuyasha often flipped the board over, with some comment about "muscle over mind wins the fight" and "who cares about dumb strategy?"
That would explain why the half-demon always came out of battle wounded in some way, shape, or form.
Not only did this happen with battles, but arguments with Kagome. Inuyasha often said the wrong thing, which resulted in Kagome saying the sacred word—always a split second after Inuyasha started panicking—and watching in mild satisfaction as he slammed into the ground forcefully.
Obviously, Shippo was on the same thought she was. Hopping up on her shoulder, the little fox-demon inquired, "Are you sure it was a good idea to leave the two of them alone?"
"Kagome and Inuyasha will be fine," Sango said, moving her chess piece. As soon as her fingers left the black piece, she realized she'd made a mistake.
Too late. Miroku's piece swept over to invade a spot. "Checkmate."
"Hm." Sango sighed and started putting the pieces away. Miroku was smiling, though. She felt her heart pound slightly as she remembered the bet they'd made—she'd have to kiss him if she lost again. As long as she pretended to hate the idea, Miroku would never know she actually looked forward to it.
Leaning across the table, the demon-slayer hissed, "If you grope me, I'll kill you, Houshi-sama."
"Oh, no need to worry your pretty head off about that," Miroku replied cheerfully. "The small token of your appreciation will be by far enough to dissuade me from taking any further action for…say, a week?"
An offer? Oh, of course…he probably didn't want to make the experience so humiliating it drove her to frustration in battle. But she'd take advantage of this. The groping was quite irritating. "Two."
"One and a half."
"One and three quarters."
"One and a half, and it's my final offer."
"Fine." She leaned backwards, stretching her lower back and her arms, then sat back up. "I hope they aren't fighting," she whispered.
"I hope they aren't kissing," Shippo said. He'd hate the thought of poor Kagome putting up with Inuyasha's dirty mouth.
"I hope they aren't dead," Miroku said with an air of dread.
Shippo and Sango paled as the turned to face the Buddhist monk. He looked so grave…so scared. "You—you don't think…?" Sango gasped.
Miroku started to nod, but the corner of his mouth started twitching. He covered his mouth and feigned coughing, but there was a suspicious squeaking sound in the coughs.
"You jerk!" Sango snapped, slamming the Hiraikotsu (is that how you spell it?) into his head.
Miroku fell back, laughing and crying at the same time.
But the noise was broken by a loud scream of "NO, KAGO—"
"SITSITSITSITSITSITSIT!"
"AAH!" A series of synchronized thuds sounded. "Ugh…"
Seconds later, there was a rustling of leaves, and Sango and Miroku jumped into each other's arms, shaking with fright. Kagome came busting through the foliage, looking very pre-menstrual. Luckily, she marched right past Sango and Miroku, and past Shippo, who looked about ready to wet his pants.
"KAGOME, WAIT!" Inuyasha came busting out after her, looking as if he'd had his back thrown out again.
"Say you're sorry!"
"Hell, no! What would I wanna do THAT for, especially for a stupid wench like—"
"SIT!"
"GAH!" Inuyasha slammed into the ground again. He put out his arms, trying to push up, spitting out dirt at the same time.
"Maybe once you're finished rearranging the soil," Kagome said in a would-be cool voice, "You'll find yourself wondering what happened to me. No, we'll leave that go. You'll find yourself looking for THIS." She lifted up the huge shard of the Shikon no Tama. "And I'll put more effective wards on the well to block you out."
By the time Inuyasha had all the (literal) dirt out of his mouth, he jumped up, shook himself off doggie-style and immediately started cursing, pacing back and forth with one hand on his lower spine. Only tiny snippets of his conversation could be heard, thankfully, because he was muttering so low. "Damn it all…ungrateful little wench…Kikyo would never have…should've killed her on the spot…"
"Yes, you should have killed Kikyo on the spot," Miroku said in a bored voice. "Or rather, she should have killed you and we never would have had this problem."
Inuyasha turned violently, silver hair flinging behind him. "What the hell do you know! You're just some dumb monk with some moral issues!" He walked so his face was right next to Miroku's, and his golden-yellow eyes peered irritably into Miroku's dark ones. "VERY serious moral issues." Long hair swishing again, smacking his friend in the face, Inuyasha faced away from Miroku with closed eyes and crossed arm. Then with another groan, he put a hand against his lower back. "Damn that wench…dumb subjugation…"
"What happened, anyway?" Sango inquired. "What'd you do wrong this time?"
"As if I'm ever really doing anything wrong!" Inuyasha snapped. Both the demon slayer and the monk hid their mouths, coughing loudly. He scowled.
"So what happened?" Sango repeated.
Inuyasha slouched down onto a particularly large boulder with a huff. "Well, I was just up in a tree, minding my own business…"
"Inuyasha?" Kagome called.
"What?" I asked lazily, opening one eye from where I was perched.
"Help find Miroku and Sango and Shippo. They must've gotten too far behind us."
I didn't answer. Did it really require answering? Of course the two of them had gotten behind us…probably off somewhere making out. Though they denied it—well, Sango denied it—I can always smell their hormones. And they'd left us so they could get some time alone, and probably dropped the dumb annoying kitsune somewhere…
"There are no hormones here!" Sango yelled.
"What're you talking about?" Miroku said innocently.
"Not from my direction," she pointed out.
"Mine make up for the both of us," he said, grinning evilly.
"And I am not dumb and annoying!" Shippo objected.
"Yes, you are, now shut up and listen if you're interested!"
…so we were stuck alone.
Yes, I was stuck with Kagome, and her annoying perfume that covered up her arom—ah—stench. Yeah, it was supposed to cover that odor. And I could smell blood on her, so I knew what time of month it was. And that wasn't good.
"What's that mean?" Shippo asked curiously.
"Inuyasha, stick to the basics!" Sango snapped, covering the fox-demon's ears.
"No, I wanna know what he's talking about!" Shippo whined, struggling to get away from her.
Ahem. Might I remind you we are focusing on me now?
Anyway, she starts acting stupid again, as always, trying to talk to me when I'm resting in a good tree. "Don't you want to come down and talk?"
"Feh."
She looked up at me with those big blue eyes. "Please?"
To keep her from getting upset—I mean, to keep her from crying, because she always winds up making that annoying sound then gets mad and sits me, I jumped down to appease her.
"Yeah, right."
"As if."
"What? What? I don't get it, you guys!"
"It appears she sat you anyway…"
What is wrong with you people! Shut up and let me tell my story!
So she starts smiling and stuff, and starts talking about something that happened with her brother Sota and something about…about… a "terevizon"? I don't know. Who cares?
So she is talking about some dumb thing she was watching on the thingy I mentioned before, some kind of love story, and she asked if I really thought she looked like Kikyo.
Well, of course, I said no, because I—uh—Kikyo was prettier and a better archer, too.
"And you wonder why you got sat." Sango clicked her tongue.
Shippo was glaring at the half-demon, and Miroku was just smirking and shaking his head.
I'm talking already! And Kagome is the one who insists on taking a bath every other day to keep from stinking the place up with her…feh. You're luring me off-track.
Kagome does that HUMILIATING spell—you know the one—and sends me face-down in the ground! Quiet, Sango, don't think I don't hear you muttering. I didn't deserve it. All I did was tell the truth, and I—I mean, she can't handle the truth.
So anyway, then I started saying she wouldn't WANT to look like Kikyo because the guys would be all after her and she wouldn't have time for her dumb school and she more importantly wouldn't have time for searching for the Shikon shards.
First she said that she had plenty of time for searching, not enough for school thanks to my impatience with her. As if! Then she pointed out that Kouga and some dumb-bell named Houjo from her time were always chasing after her, and a lot of the bandits tried to steal her. I pointed out that they were just flattered by some female attention, and grateful for any girl, because they really are a poor lot…and she just went ballistic on me! For no reason at all!
"So that's when she started screaming the magic word."
"Feh." Inuyasha crossed his arms. "Yeah." He paused, sniffing, his ears twitching.
Kagome pushed back through the bushes, smiling brightly. Miroku, Sango, Inuyasha, and Shippo all felt extremely large sweatdrops accumulate on their foreheads at the schoolgirl's sudden mood swing. "Inuyasha!" Kagome said cheerfully. "After thinking it over carefully, I've decided to forgive you."
"Um…alright," Inuyasha said uncertainly, "If you say so." But he still hadn't done anything wrong.
"So, you want me too cook some fried eggs?" she asked excitedly, clapping her hands.
"Uh…can't you make ramen?" As soon as the words left his lips, Inuyasha was sure he'd soon come to regret them.
Her smile faded slowly and a stress mark appeared on her forehead. "What, my eggs aren't good enough?"
"Uh…I didn't say that! Don't put words into my mouth! I just don't see why we can't have ramen!"
"You know you meant it!" Kagome screamed, causing his ears to flatten. "You were thinking it!"
"I don't like this," Inuyasha muttered under his breath to Miroku. "Now she can read minds."
His muttering hadn't quite escaped PMS Central. "INUYASHA, SIT!"
"GAH! NO, KAG—" THUMP! "Oof! What did I do now, huh!"
Owari