Disclaimer: I wished I could own them, but sadly I don't.
A/N: Thanks to Cybrokat for my beta. And for the lovely reviews a big thanks to, Mayrose DeGroot, Sassy, Detective Faith Boscorelli, ToMyGrave, Adenara Yatman, gabesaunt, forensicsgirl, Grits, Dana, Sarah and LN.
Chapter Seven: Evaluation
"Hello Sara." The woman walked to Sara's bed. "I'm Doctor Casey Pearson, how are you feeling today?" Dr. Pearson shook Sara's hand and took a set next to the bed. She took note of the answer given.
"Just fine," Sara replied as the doctor focused on Sara's body language. Seeing her tense up and turn away. "Sara, I need you to talk to me. Can you tell me what happened?" She could tell trying to get through to her was going to be a difficult task. But she had seen worse, much worse. "You can tell me anything. I'm here to listen and help if I can." She didn't want to push Sara, but she had a feeling there was more under the surface.
"You can't help," Sara spoke just above a whisper. "Nobody can." She took a few deep breaths and closed her eyes. She didn't want to talk about anything. In her mind she didn't see what it would help. Talking about how she was feeling wasn't going to make time turn back and stop the accident from happening. Nor would it bring Greg back. Talking about what killed her every waking moment, as well as every sleeping moment for that matter wouldn't take her pain away, or so she thought. Sara had talked to people after her father died; after her mother continued to stab him, even though she was cuddled in the corner watching the whole thing. No, talking doesn't help.
"Why do you say that?" Dr. Pearson spoken softly. Seeing Sara shake her head, she let out a silent sigh. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me." The doctor wondered what things lurked behind her eyes. She could see sadness unlike anything she had seen before, but yet she didn't get the feeling Sara was a threat to others or herself. Dr. Pearson needed to know for sure though. She needed Sara to talk to her. "There are a lot of people who care about you. You've had a fleet of people calling to see how you are," Dr. Pearson hoped that would get a comment. But the comment that came was not what she had expected.
"Probably hoping I was dead," Sara pushed back her anger. They all treated her different when they found out Grissom and her were a couple. The relationship was great, but they had to hide it. Sara didn't want to hide it from people, she wanted to tell the world that finally they were together. She remembered the night Grissom had asked her out. She didn't know what to think at first. The case was one dead end after another. Sara got a hunch while looking over the evidence. The hunch turned out and they caught their guy. Grissom just blurted out that they should have dinner. Sara remembered standing the dumb founded. Once Grissom assured her that he meant it she said yes. She was even more shocked when he asked her out for a second date.
"Why do you say that?" Dr. Pearson felt she was starting to get to the cause of Sara's true issue or issues. Maybe she was hiding a history of child abuse. She didn't think the husband was hurting her. He loved her way to much. Just the way he was when he was around her, so loving and gentle. He wanted to know everything they did or would be doing to her. He didn't want her to hurt.
Sara felt embarrassed, when she thought about how Catherine found out about the relationship. The anger in her eyes scared Sara. Catherine should've knocked, but no, that would've been too easy for Catherine. She and Grissom should've been the ones who were furious; after all she burst into the bedroom. At least they had just finished making love to each other. Sara didn't understand why Catherine would think Grissom had a migraine. Catherine had thrown the pill bottle at them and stormed out of Grissom's townhouse, like she owned it. "They all hated the fact Grissom and I were a couple. Well, with the exception of Brass," she rang her hands. Brass had walked up to Sara after he found out. She remembered his hug and how he said how glad he was that they were together, and how he knew they would make a great couple. "Now I understand why he wanted to keep it a secret," she started to grow a bit agitated.
"There were two men about your age here as well. One of the men found you. He seemed fairly shaken up," she wondered what was the deal with the men she witnessed waiting to see Sara. She had heard one talking about a death and a car accident she was in. Wanting to know more she took a closer look at her medical records. That didn't say much about a death, she didn't figure it would so she talked to some colleges that were working that night. She slowly learned about the accident that took away the life she would ask Sara about soon.
Sara started to think about the night Nick, Warrick, and Greg found out about the relationship. She and Grissom had picked a restaurant away from the Vegas lights. They were sure that they would not run into anyone they knew there. They should have thought otherwise. They didn't see the trio sitting in the booth as they walked past. Of course they weren't looking for a familiar face or three. Grissom had held Sara's chair for her and he lent in and kissed her. They turned when they heard someone coughing and Warrick's voice. They were caught out once again. "They don't really care. They blame me for…," she trailed off.
There it was, something she could use to try and get Sara to talk about her friend who died. Knowing this may not be easy, she eased into it. Dr. Pearson didn't want to make Sara feel threatened. If she did she may never get to the core of the problem. "What is it you think they blame you for dear?" she spoke even more loving. Yet she wondered about the situation with her husband. She found it odd that Sara would call him by the last name they shared. But that is something that seemed miniscule at this point, from what she could see.
Something snapped inside Sara. She wanted it to go away. She needed someone who was not from the lab or department to tell her; to tell if it wasn't her fault. She needed to hear that. "They blame me for Greg dying. I know I should've let him drive that night, but I just had to be in control. If I would've let him drive, then he would be alive. Nobody would blame him if I was dead. They would've thrown a party. And I deserved to die. Greg isn't the first person I've killed," Sara shook her head.
Dr. Pearson had to take a mental step back. There wasn't anything in Sara's medical records about another accident. She had to wonder if anyone else knew about this or if Sara had left it lay dormant for all this time, how ever long that was. "What do you mean by that? How are you responsible for someone else's death?" She was a terrified of the answer. Maybe she had her pegged wrong. Perhaps Sara was capable of the unspeakable. Wanting to kill herself may not have been an act of desperation after all; but in fact a final act of self guilt. Then again, the way she is, it could be something innocent, something Sara sees as wrong and her fault; and it be nowhere near the truth.
"When I was, I think, five, my brother was playing hide and seek with me, and I snuck in his room and was hiding under his bed. I found a bag that I thought was dirt. Well it wasn't dirt it was weed. So I went to show my mom and…it wasn't dirt. He was grounded for a year. The first night he was ungrounded his friends threw him a party. Well, a fire broke out and he was the only one that didn't survive." The pain of that night showed through her eyes. "My dad didn't take it very well. I got in so much trouble. My dad was so angry about it and hit me over and over. He keep saying I was bad and it all my fault," she pushed the tears back down; she wasn't ready to let it all out just yet.
She watched as Sara's body trembled when she told about her brother dying. That had to be a hard time in her life, now reliving it through losing her best friend. Dr. Pearson was trained to handle hard cases. Sometimes she felt lost, these cases were the worst. She knew herself what it was like to blame oneself over something that wasn't ones fault. That was a women's world, feeling blame and guilt where it often wasn't warranted. You can try to tell and explain to them the guilt they felt was normal, but they had to come to the realization that it isn't their fault. Sometimes you has to force yourself not to feel guilty. Those times it could be hard. Dr. Pearson knew she had to try. "Does your husband know about this?" She wondered maybe he was the key to help her.
"Gris…Gil…he told you we're married? He said he wasn't ready to let the lab know about the marriage yet. He was afraid that the guys would shut me out even more than they already had. They pretended to be my friends, but they never invite me out with them anymore," she shrugged her shoulders. Her friendship with the guys meant more to her than she ever thought. When Greg died and everyone seemed to turn their backs on her, she didn't know how to react, so she didn't. Shutting down was the best thing she could do in her mind. Not opening up to them meant they couldn't get to close again. And not getting to close, they couldn't hurt her again. "When I thought Gil turned his back on me…I didn't know what else to do. I thought he, like all the others, would be happy if I died," she spoke so softly. She was finally coming to grips on what she did, and how she was feeling.
Grissom had come back and looked in Sara's room. He couldn't see who she was talking to but he knew. The woman's head blocked his view of Sara's face so reading her lips was out of the question. Plus he didn't want to know things Sara wasn't ready to tell him. He felt someone step beside him. The smell was familiar, and he refused to turn to her. "What are you doing here Catherine? You know, I don't want to know. You should leave. I don't want you to upset Sara," his voice still full of anger towards her.
"Gil I thought we were past this. I told you I was sorry for saying those things to Sara. I guess I was hurt, I had to find out about your relationship the way I did, then Greg. Gil, I was angry. I'm sorry, please Gil, forgive me," she pleaded with him. She didn't want to lose a friend, one of her best friends for that matter. She didn't know what she could say to Grissom to make things right again. "I don't know what else to say, but I'm truly sorry for the way I acted," she turned away and started to walk off. When she heard Grissom tell her that he was not the one she should apologize to, she turned back to him. "You're right Gil. Let me know when she's up for visitors," she nodded and left.
After Dr. Pearson was done speaking to Sara, she and Dr. Malison, the doctor who had been treating Sara, went and spoke with Grissom. They both agreed what Sara needed was her friends helping her through it. She also needed to see a psychologist; three sessions for the first week, two for the next and one the third week. After the third week she would be reevaluated. Sara also needed understanding from the people around her, and love. Just love her, they said. They didn't think she was a risk to do this again, but they suggested someone stay with her at all times. Grissom had thanked them and went to Sara. He hugged her and said she could leave soon, the doctors just needed to sign release forms. Grissom kissed her softly and told her how much he loved her.