Author's Note: This is your authoress speaking. Thank you for reading Stupidity Airlines. Please remain seated and buckle your seatbelts. This will be one of the more boring chapters, due to the fact of high velocity. The next charter will be much more interesting. Hopefully. Full of hope. Please enjoy your ride. And please…the person by the doorway…? Don't try to jump off again. And if you do, take a $ parachute because we can't pay for your #$ lawsuit that you were trying to—

Magic and Lemons, Break in the Story

I am a reasonable person. I know I am. I know that I am also mildly sane. I'm assured that I am. Now I realize that everything I have ever known is probably false. I guess I shouldn't be overdramatic. But I am. And that's the way it's going to be. Let's go all the way back to where we left of, shall we?

Magic and Lemons, Break in the Story

Chapter Three: Beware the Bearer of the Spoon

He was kind of cute, I guess. I was sitting on the steps, waiting for something to happen. It rarely did, actually. And when things did happen, I was usually so clueless that I didn't notice it. Swinging my legs slightly past the puffy purple dress (with the huge shoulders, I might add), I watched as Inuyasha (that was his name, by the way. Not Mister Man.) was talking to my father.

An arrogant looking guy was also there, but he was examining his fingernails. He was a total prince. Whenever I hear those stories about princes going in disguise to find out about their people, I laugh. The peasants over there must be really stupid because it's hard to miss a prince. They're so totally clueless about the real world.

Anyways, the prince had these clear blue eyes, fair skin, and blond hair. He seemed to be the perfect prince, his tunic right in place, his buttons nice and shining, and every strand of perfect hair in perfect place.

My father seemed to be impressed and as I watched through the library window, he was arguing adamantly about some point. He stretched out his hand to the prince and then nodded towards Inuyasha. The prince looked perfectly confident, responding in return with another nod. Nodding contest.

Inuyasha didn't participate. He was the one I was referring to earlier, I suppose. He looked sort of cute. Not enough to make me gung ho about jumping the broom, but enough to make me feel okay about dating him for a day or two. He was your best friend's brother, the kind of guy you overlook.

I paid attention to him. He didn't even try to talk with the banter from the prince and my father, just looking so intimidated by the royalty surrounding him. That was fairly interesting, actually. I continued to watch as I began to eat my dinner outside. I would have gone inside, especially since a brisk wind had started up. But my nanny had called a manhunt for me inside. Put a mouse in one's bed and one gets really angry. Geesh. One mouse! ONE!

The prince now tipped his perfect nose up, saying something with a wave of a perfectly manicured hand. My father was arguing in return, stroking his big, bushy beard and his two caterpillars for eyebrows furrowing greatly. Inuyasha looked weakly at both of them, shrinking back into his chair.

The first thing I noticed was that he had eyes of different colors. Two different colored eyes. My tutor would have been so proud. One of his eyes was a sparkling shade of green, but the other was a silver-like color, almost gray. That was new. All the people around the castle wore blue eyes, the color of a summer sky. Him? He comes barging in here with horses of another color.

Then I noticed that he was small. And I'm not just talking about small compared to me. I'm fairly tall myself. There are girls around the castle who insist on being the 'youngest' and the 'smallest', as if that made them cute. Honestly, we'd already gotten past the age where cute was in. Now it's mature and elegant that are the key, which I don't have, but isn't the point.

And finally my deductions came around he was a pale-skinned, pixie-looking, intelligent, and nervous kind of guy.

And those were the three main observations I had made.

I took another bite of my dinner, glancing out to the garden castle momentarily. It wasn't very interesting, but nothing really was. It had trees. Grass. Plants. Yeah.

The prince came storming out, nearly walking into me. He gave me a dirty look before continuing down the stairs. I continued to eat, deciding to take a page out of the horse's motto of life. When in doubt, eat.

"Honey, I have bad news," my father said gently, standing at the doorway. I twisted around just enough so I was partly facing him. I had no sudden urges to do a 180 on him and stand atten hut.

"Apparently, the Prince of Bunnies didn't think you were…beautiful…enough for him," my father said difficultly. I thought that was kind of weird. I mean, he says it upfront, and then he feels guilty for it? He just told his daughter that she was ugly and it wasn't until afterwards until his face drooped. My father, the great behemoth of emotions. His words came out of his mouth slowly, weighted down by guilt. It sounded like he was being squeezed when he said that and the shame around his eyes was almost laughable.

So I laughed. "He notices now? Man, is he slow-witted. Good riddance. I have no urges to be Queen of Bunnies." Then I paused. "Well, the title sounds cool, but not if I have to be married to him."

"Unfortunately, that means you'll have to marry Inuyasha over here," my father said lamely. He used one beefy hand to make a vague motion inside the castle. "A…monk-in-training."

"Did he already take his oaths?" I asked brightly.

"No."

"Aw." I dampened considerably. Continuing to eat, I turned around to face the garden again.

"But he is very excited to marry you."

"Sure he does. As much as I LOVE to wear puffy dresses," I said, not facing my father. The sun was setting rapidly, casting long shadows against the ground. "The point is that I don't want to marry and he doesn't want to marry me either. He's a monk, for goodness sakes."

"In training," my father sighed, "Come back in here before you catch cold."

I could faintly hear my nanny's shrieks in the castle.

"Nah. I'll stay out here some more, maybe just wander around the beautiful garden," I said whimsically.

"I thought you said that the garden was boring, that it was just trees and vegetarian," he said, his brow furrowing.

"You know me too well. Go and find Mother," I instructed, dusting off my purple dress and marching down the stairs. My hem almost caught on the rail, but I neatly dodged that rip. Seriously, this dress was a moving death trap for me. And if my nanny found ONE MORE rip in my dress, I could hear her now…

"KAGOME HANA HIGURASHI HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO RIP YOUR DRESS IS THAT SUCH A HARD TASK NOOOO BACK IN MY DAY I HAD TO WALK TEN MILES IN A PRETTY DRESS WITHOUT EVEN DIRTYING IT IN THE DEEP MUDDY SNOW BANKS UPHILL BOTH WAYS"

I usually remarked that back in her day, she could have just ridden a dinosaur.

Make a suggestion…

There was a fountain in the middle of the yard. I stared at said fountain. Said fountain started to talk to me again.

"Hi, Kagome."

"Fountain."

"How's it going?"

"Pretty good. You're an inanimate object, you know."

"Yes, I know. It's just that you're weird."

"Yes, I know."

I watched the water bubble and froth as it hit its fellow water molecules. I tried to breathe slowly, calmly, but the corset was a big problem. I poked at it once. It was hard. I poked it again. It was still hard. This corset was pretty tight, I deduced. Then I poked it again. I was thinking that if I poked it hard enough, maybe it would become soft and then I could breathe!

"Hi."

"AH! GET AWAY EVIL CORN HUSK! FEEL THE POINTYNESS OF MY SPOON!" I screamed, spinning around and almost tripping over my dress. Unfortunately, I fell straight on my butt. I had drawn out the sharpest weapon I had on me—a spoon. Hey, we fight with forks. How are spoons any worse?

Inuyasha froze, his hand still partway raised in greeting. His eyes were fixated on the spoon. I slowly moved it to the left. His pupils followed it. Right. Still following. I moved it back and forth and he still stared at it and its sharp, pointy end.

Okay. Dulled end. Same difference.

"What are you doing out here?" I finally said, pocketing my weapon safely in my pocket.

"Um…well…I was just…walking…" he muttered, scuffling his feet on the grass.

"Do you want to sit down?" I asked, eyeing him wearily. He didn't seem to be one of those evil men, so I decided that misery always wanted company or something like that.

"May I?" he asked, his eyebrows abruptly rising.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't you be able to? Unless you were spanked by my nanny. And then I'd understand," I said sympathetically.

Inuyasha colored a deep red again. "No, nothing of that kind. I just thought that it wasn't proper for nobility…"

"Nobility, shombility. Plant your bottom thisaway, lad," I cracked, patting the bench.

"May I, Princess?" he asked hesitantly, his fingers twisting and turning within one another.

"Sure you can," I said, "Just move your butt over here and then drop it."

"…Yes, Princess." He obediently sat down, but with less dramatizing as I made it sound like. For a while, only the faint bubbling of the fountain could be heard.

"If I may ask, what are you thinking about, Princess?"

"Bee hives," I said instantly, "What about you?"

"Me what?"

"Thinking about," I shrugged.

"Lower things that should not concern your highness," he said slowly.

"Your Highness is my father. I'm Yo Mamma."

"What?"

"Just tell me."

"…I was thinking about back home," Inuyasha murmured, shuffling his feet, "Where I hope I'll be going soon."

"Not if my father has his way, which he usually does," I retorted, "I'm probably going to marry you."

"But I want to go back to Saodoso," Inuyasha said wishfully, "No offense to you, Princess."

"None taken. I've just been told that I was ugly—everything seems like a compliment now," I said carelessly.

"Who dares tell you that you're ugly?" Inuyasha gaped.

"Hey, royalty got its downsides," I winked, "Don't worry. I'm used to it. And it doesn't hurt that much if it comes from air-headed princes I don't even like."

"…Oh. Him." Inuyasha fell silent again.

"Tell me about your home," I said, changing the subject, "You don't seem to be the kind of guy who just comes by here on an everyday basis."

"I don't," he muttered, "This is my first time here."

"First timer, huh? I wish I could sympathize with you, but I've been here all my life," I shrugged.

"I come from a pretty monastery, the Monastery of Peace, near the South side of Saodoso Village. It's a small village bordering here and the Kingdom of Bunnies. It's very peaceful there, where we keep the peace in a somewhat violent town," Inuyasha continued, blushing darkly as he continued to speak.

"Heroes," I nodded, "Go on."

"Not heroes, really, just…monks who do their jobs. I was moving onto the next step to becoming a monk when the prince came by and…well…took me for his squire."

"He kidnapped you?" my mouth drooped fairly wide open.

"Not really. He's royalty," he quipped, "and we all just live to serve royalty."

"Royalty, my butt. That man is worse than a swine," I declared.

"Pigs are actually nice creatures. Clean," Inuyasha added.

"Yeah, true. Sorry, pigs of the world." I tossed back my hair—not seductively, but because it was getting in my face.

"But at least I got to see the big city," Inuyasha sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Here's not that good either. My father is kind of…eccentric," I admitted, "He keeps Mother's ashes around."

"Your mother died?"

"Long while back. I was a wee kid. Started laughing in the middle of her funeral. Messy thing. She died of some disease and Father never really got over it," I deadpanned, "He carries her around everywhere. I wish he'd let her go sometimes."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Inuyasha said, sympathy creeping into his voice. I shrugged.

"No big. Nanny's more than filling up that space. Have you seen her, by the way? She's looking for me. I only have a spoon to defend myself," I said wistfully, "I lost my stuffed dog."

"She was still in the castle when I saw her last," Inuyasha admitted, wisely choosing not to ask about my last sentence.

"Good, good." I stroked my spoon. "My precious…"

Inuyasha inched away from me subtly.

"Spoons make good weapons, no matter what you say. They're still somewhat sharp and small, like a jackknife, except nobody looks at you weirdly if you carry them around," I said, raising my eyebrows appreciatively for the facts.

"Interesting," Inuyasha said, smiling sheepishly up at me.

"Sorry. Off topic," I said, stroking my spoon one more time before slipping it in my pocket, "Do you really want to go back home?"

"The monastery is a tough place to live in," Inuyasha sighed, "And living in that town means every moment you're alive is a miracle. It's a bad part of town. But sometimes it's really worth it, when you make a small breakthrough…and the other side of the monastery is simply beautiful. You can close your eyes there and just smell the air…it's wonderful."

I was busy looking at my reflection in the spoon. "Hey, look! I'm upside down." Inuyasha paused, leaning over to see.

"Oh, you are," he said with a pleased voice.

"So you really want to go back home?" I asked, sticking on my tongue and angling the spoon.

"…Yes, Princess."

"Okay. Let's go. Pack yourself, get a horse, and I'll be right back after I change and get a new supply of spoons," I said, getting up. Inuyasha froze.

"W-what?"

"Let's go. Hup one, hup two! Right, left, left right left, left, right, left right left…" I chanted as I marched down the garden path.

"You mean run away?" Inuyasha asked, looking suddenly ill and anxious, "From the King?"

"He's my father," I said, "And that makes it all right. Now hurry up. I only got so long."

Inuyasha was left standing there, gaping fearfully at me.

Beware the bearer of the spoon.

Magic and Lemons End The Story

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed!