A/N: A few thank-yous are an order before I begin chapter two. Let me acknowledge all my lovely reviewers!
AJ Taylir: Thanks for being brave and leaving the first review!
AriesSolar: You've always been appreciative of my work in no matter what fandom. Hats off to you!
Noroi: I'm glad you enjoyed my double entendres at Auron's expense. Poor man! The abuse he suffers! xD
Duchess of Serendair: I believe I recall reading some of your stories as Hopewell. And though it is flattering, remember to breathe this time. Lol
Opheliathedreamer: Remember me, Richelle Starker? I go to your site often, it's awesome. And I promise not to make this an Aululu or Aurikku. :D
Mourning Bird: This one's for you! I did manage to fill your request for "A Hard-knock Life" parody, and who better to help me out then the world's most annoying Al Bhed!
Cassandra Elise: What can I say to you, my best and dearest friend? You are always supportive of me in everything, and I can never express my gratitude.
Well, enough of that crap and on to the fun stuff!
Scene II: Ruins
The curtain is closed. Tidus's voice is heard as the stagehands prepare the scene.
Tidus (offstage): I thought about a lot of things...like where I was, what I'd got myself into. I started to feel light-headed... and then, sleepy.
Jecht (aside, also offstage): Yeah, Auron does have that effect on people.
Auron (likewise): Oh, shut up! At least I get a real part in this thing before the finale.
Jecht: Grr.
Tidus: I think I had a dream: a dream of being alone. I wanted someone--anyone, beside me... so I didn't have to feel alone anymore.
Jecht: Even me?
Tidus: I'm not THAT desperate.
As the curtain opens, there is a dull thud. We see what appears to be someone's legs being dragged off the stage. Apparently Auron has had enough of Jecht's smartass comments and has knocked him out in the wings. Tidus is facedown on the stage in front of a backdrop of a cave. Painted on one side of the scenery is an opening that leads out to the ocean.
Tidus (slowly getting up): Anybody there? Auron! Heeeeey! (He shivers and rubs his arms.) Out of the fire and into the freezer, eh? I need fire or I'm gonna die in here! (He scrounges about the stage until he finds some tinder and a piece of flint and proceeds to light the remains of an old campfire) I need food! (He lies down beside the fire as a fog covers the stage. Auron enters. Tidus, unaware that this is a dream, confronts his mentor.) What do you want now!?
Auron: It was a bad call. Your team lost because of you.
Tidus (confused): But we never finished the game! Sin came and disrupted it.
Auron (smacks forehead): This is a flashback, you dummy!
Tidus (sheepishly): Oh, right. Er, so you came to say THAT!?
Auron: It's been ten years. I thought you'd be crying.
Tidus: What does ten years got to do with anything? You are making no sense!
Auron (mocking): You cried. (He exits.)
Tidus (yelling at director): What was that shit for? And don't tell me it was plot exposition because it made zero sense!
Voice from Beyond: Go back to sleep.
Tidus: Make me!
(A summoner's staff falls from the sky and hits him on the head. He falls back down unconscious.)
Voice from Beyond: My sincerest apologies.
Yuna (offstage somewhere): The heck? Where's my summoning staff?
(The Voice from Beyond coughs loudly. Tidus finally revives and notes that his fire is burning low)
Tidus (frantically): Hey, wait! Wait! Don't go out on me! Just hold on, I'll get more wood. (Just then, a mechanical spiderlike creature scurries onto the stage, chased by several large men with guns and a girl in a kinky wetsuit. The spider attacks Tidus and he struggles to fight it. As he begins singing, the girl rushes to help him.
Tidus: Auron cannot guide you
Now you're on you're own.
Girl: Only me beside you.
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone, truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you
Halfway into Sin.
Do not let it grieve you.
Let your life begin.
You decide alone.
But no one is alone.
Tidus (speaking to Girl): You on my side? Cool! (pauses) Wait a minute, how did you know I was in Sin?
Girl (shrugging): We saw him attack, but anyway, back to the song.
Tidus: Er, right.
(sings) Auron isn't here now
Girl: Wrong things, right things...
Tidus: Who knows what he'd say?
Girl: Who can say what's true?
Tidus: Nothing's quite so clear now
Girl (whacking the spider):
Do things, fight things...
(turns to Tidus) Feel you've lost your way? You decide but
Both: You are not alone.
Believe me, no one is alone.
You move just a finger,
Say the slightest word,
Something's bound to linger,
Be heard.
(Tidus attempts a rather difficult maneuver on the fiend and ends up flat on his back.)
Girl (helping him up):
No one acts alone.
Careful, no one is alone.
Both: People make mistakes
Girl: Al Bheds
Tidus: Blitzers
Both: People make mistakes,
Holding to their own,
Thinking they're alone.
Tidus: Honour their mistakes
Girl (throwing a grenade):
Fight for their mistakes
Tidus: Everybody makes
Girl: One another's
Terrible mistakes.
Al Bhed can be right,
Al Bhed can be good.
You decide what's right,
You decide what's good.
Just remember
Someone is on your side.
Tidus: My side! My side!
(indicating the spider)
Someone else is not
While I'm seeing my side
Girl: Your side! Your side!
Both: Maybe we forgot
They are not alone.
No one is alone.
Tidus: Hard to see the light now.
(He fumbles his sword)
Girl (helping him right it):
Just don't let it go.
Both: Things will come out right now.
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side,
No one is alone.
Tidus: Whew! That was close. But what is Al Bhed? (One of the gunmen comes up from behind and grabs Tidus by the hair.) Hey! Lemme go!
Al Bhed 1: Fryd ec drec?
Al Bhed 2: Y fiend! Eh risyh teckieca!
Al Bhed 3: Oac! Ed ec cu!
(Al Bhed 2 puts Tidus in a headlock and threatens him with a knife)
Al Bhed 2: Fa gemm ed?
Girl (rushing to defend him): Fyed! Fryd ev ed ec risyh?
Al Bhed 2 (pointing knife at the girl): Drao yna dra cysa eh taydr.
Girl (angrily): E vunpet ed! Fa pnehk ed fedr ic! (The men relent and allow the girl, who is evidently their leader, to approach Tidus. She walks toward him with a small gun and puts her hand on his shoulder to whisper.) Cunno. (She points the gun at his chest and shoots him with a tranquilizer dart. He stumbles forward and falls unconscious. The curtain closes.)
When the curtain reopens, Tidus and his kidnappers, minus the girl are on the deck of a large ship. Tidus is on the ground again, as usual, when one of the Al Bhed approaches.
Al Bhed 1: Ced, lybdeja! (The thug punches Tidus in the stomach as he attempts to stand up.)
Tidus (keeling over): Hey, that hurts!
Al Bhed 2: Dryhg oui, Lybdyeh Upjeuic! (Translation: Thank you, Captain Obvious.)
Tidus: God, don't any of you speak English or Zanarkandese or whatever language it is that I speak supposedly?
Al Bhed 1 (angrily): Hu sujehk, rayn?!
Tidus: Whoa, ok!
(The girl in the wetsuit and another man with a blond Mohawk, cross the stage to join the others. It seems that the man is in charge of even the female leader.)
Leader: Caynlr res! (Two of the men pat Tidus down for weapons.)
Tidus: You know, you might have thought of that before I woke up, it would've been safer.
Leader: Tu oui hud cbayg? (He attempts to communicate with Tidus, making wild gestures)
Tidus: I said I don't understand!
Girl (searches script): Frah tet oui cyo dryd? (Translation: When did you say that?)
Leader: Ehcumahla! (Al Bhed 1 points a gun at Tidus)
Girl: Fyed! (to Tidus) He said you can stay if you make yourself useful.
Tidus (astonished and relieved): You . . . you understand me?
Girl: I sang that whole song in your language, didn't I? (Al Bhed one smacks him with the gun.)
Tidus: All right, I'll work!
Girl: We found some ancient ruins right beneath us. It's not active now, but there should still be some power left. We're gonna go down there and activate it, and then we should be able to salvage the big prize! (Tidus nods in agreement) Okay! Let's get to work!
(Tidus and the Girl leave the stage, feigning a "dive." The lights go down briefly and soon come back up as they return.)
Girl (to Leader): Fa vuiht dra airship! Dra naluntc fana nekrd. Huf, ruf du tnyk ed ib?
(Tidus follows the Al Bhed as they return below deck, but Al Bhed 2 rudely pushes him back.)
Al Bhed 2: Oui, uidceta!
Tidus (pouting as the door closes): Hey, I helped out, didn't I? (Realising that they are just going to ignore his protests, Tidus attempts the sympathy vote. He throws himself on the floor, writhing in pain.) Uh... hungry! (He is so wrapped up in his little pity party that he doesn't notice the Girl returning until she kicks him in the shoulder.) Ouch! There must be a less painful way to communicate around here!
Girl (placing a tray of food in front of him): Cunno, vneaht. (Translation: Sorry, friend)
Tidus: Whoa! Right on! (He gobbles the food down as though he'll never see any again. Suddenly, he begins to choke and fan himself.) Are you guys trying to poison me or something?
Girl (handing him a pitcher of water which he quickly gulps down): Al Bhed food is spicy. And besides, you eat too fast.
Tidus (standing up): So what is your name?
Girl: Rikku.
Tidus: Whoa! You really do understand! Why didn't you say so earlier?
Rikku (kicking him): Excuse me, but I did, you big meanie. And I sang a whole song in Spiran with you.
Tidus: What is Spiran?
Rikku (knocking his head): The common language of Spira, duh!
Tidus: What's Spira?
Rikku (sighs and shakes her head): Just let me do the talking, ok? I had a hard enough time convincing everyone that oui weren't a fiend.
Tidus: Oui?
Girl: Oh, "oui" means you.
Tidus (as clueless as ever): Who are you guys, anyway?
Rikku (esasperated): We're Al Bhed! I've told you THAT already, too! (She suddenly pauses.) Wait. You're not an Al Bhed hater, are you?
Tidus (as the next music into begins): I don't even know what an Al Bhed is.
Rikku: Then just be glad you aren't one. You see
Rikku (sings in an annoyingly high voice):
It's the hard-knock life for us!
It's the hard-knock life for us!
'Steada treated, We get tricked!
'Steada kisses, We get kicked!
It's the hard-knock life!
(She kicks Tidus to prove her point. He howls with pain as she launches into the next verse)
Lots of folks hate Al Bhed, so,
It's the hard-knock role, we know!
When we come into a town
People greet us with a frown
It's the hard-knock life!
(Rikku waves her arms around to simulate a hurricane. She nearly knocks Tidus over)
Don't it feel like the wind is always howl'n?
Don't it seem like there's never any light!
Once a day, we just wanna throw the towel in?
It's easier than puttin' up a fight.
No one's cares that our boats are getting leaky!
No one cares if we float...or if we sink!
No one cares that our floorboards all are creaky!
From all the cryin' you would think we'd taken to drink!
Ohhhh!!!!!!!
Shamed and hated life!
Much degraded life!
Full of sorrow life!
No tomorrow life!
Summoners we never see
Tidus: Summoners, what's that?
Tell me!
Rikku: Everyone just wants you dead
When they find out you're Al Bhed!
It's the hard-knock life!
Rikku: And it's all because of that stupid Yevon ban on our machina. Mean old Maesters! (She imitates Maester Mika): You're the reason that the whole world is doomed. Repent and turn from your evil machines!
Yank the whiskers from his chin
Jab him with a safety Pin
Make him drink a mickey finn
Above all: Praise be to Yevon!
(She does a sacrilegious imitation of the prayer.)
It's the hard-knock life for us
Everyone just wants you dead
When they find out you're Al Bhed!
It's the hard-knock life! It's the hard-knock life!
It's the hard-knock life!
(The music climaxes and fades.)
Tidus: Whoa, sounds rough. But I still don't understand a few things like what are summoners, maesters, and Yevon?
Rikku: I'd rather not talk about it. Besides if I tell you everything now, it will be an awfully short game.
Tidus: If you say so.
Rikku: So, where are you from?
Tidus (proudly): Zanarkand. I'm a blitzball player. Star player of the Zanarkand Abes! (He pretends to kick a blitzball.)
Rikku: Did you hit your head or something?
Tidus (rubbing his skull): Um, you guys hit me. A lot.
Rikku: (embarrassed): Oh, right. Do you remember anything before that?
Tidus (turning to audience): So I told her everything there was to tell about Zanarkand... about life there, blitzball, and Sin's attack...and about how Auron and I were engulfed in this light. I just said things as they came to mind. But then I started to wonder... (to Rikku): Did I say something funny?
Rikku (patronizing): You were near Sin. Don't worry, you'll be better in no time. They say your head gets funny when Sin is near. Maybe you just had some kind of dream?
Tidus: You mean I'm sick?
Rikku: Of course! No one could be as good-looking as that man you described. What was his name?
Tidus (confused): Me? Tidus?
Rikku: No, no, no, the OTHER guy. The one with the badass sword.
Tidus (muttering): I don't believe this...
(Auron is heard chuckling offstage.)
Rikku: Anyway, there is no Zanarkand anymore. Sin destroyed it a thousand years ago. So no one plays blitzball there.
Tidus (turning on her in surprise): What do you mean, a thousand years ago? But I saw Sin attack Zanarkand! You're saying that happened a thousand years ago? No way!
Rikku (trying her best to be consoling): You said...you play blitzball? (Tidus nods.) You know, you should go to Luca. Someone might know who you are, or you might find someone you recognize.
Tidus: Luca?
Rikku (aside): Hmm, Sin's toxin is worse than I thought. (aloud) Okay, leave it to me! I'll get you to Luca, promise! Unless you'd rather stay here? (Tidus shrugs) Okay, I'll go tell the others. Wait here. (She turns toward the door then turns back.) Oh, and one thing: Don't tell anyone you're from Zanarkand, okay? Yevon says it's a holy place. You might upset someone. (She heads for the door again and turns back once more) And one more thing...
Tidus (angry): Jeez, can't you follow the script and leave already.
Rikku (pouting): But I won't be back for 50 pages! (Tidus glares and she finally exits.)
Tidus (turning back to audience): My Zanarkand, some kind of holy place? Yeah right, I thought. Since when? Yevon? Sin? Luca? I thought Sin just took me to a faraway place, that I could go back in a day or two. But a thousand years into the future? No way! (He kicks a crane in frustration. Suddenly, the ship begins to quake and Tidus is tossed into the orchestra pit. Voices can be heard from inside below deck.)
Al Bhed 3 (offstage): Sin!
Al Bhed 2 (offstage): Sin ec lusa!
Leader: Ihtan ic! Ihtan ic!
(The stage goes black and the curtain comes down.)
A/N: Songs featured are parodies of "No One Is Alone" from Into the Woods and "Hard-Knock Life" from Annie.