When the lights come back on, the curtain is closed and Tidus is asleep in front of it, tushy in the air. YOUNG AURON is standing on the stage with a woman, Tidus's MOM. The fog machine and an eerie bluish light signify that this is a dream.
Young Auron: But, it's been nearly... It's been nearly a year already.
Mom: Perhaps you could go look for us.
Young Auron: People are still searching for him out there, but they won't find him.
Mom: We can still try. (Young Auron shakes his head, looking depressed. She puts her hand on his shoulder.) You've done so much, Auron Thank you. (He nods and tries to leave, but she won't remove her hand from his shoulder.)
Young Auron: Let go!
Mom (rubbing his back): Don't you like this?
Young Auron: One minute you're heartbroken about your husband and the next you're coming on to me? Why are you so fickle?
Mom (giggling): Cause I'm a woman, silly.
Young Auron: I had to ask
(A little boy runs on the stage wearing the same costume as Tidus.)
Young Tidus: Who cares whether he comes back or not?
Mom (releasing her grip on Young Auron): But he might die!
Young Tidus: Fine, let him! (Young Auron takes this opportunity to sneak off.)
Mom: Do you... Do you hate him so?
Young Tidus (nodding): Yes.
Mom: If he dies, you'll never be able to tell him how much you hate him.
The prone form of Tidus gets up and faces the audience as the dream characters glide away and the fog abates.
Tidus: Is this woman sick or what? No wonder I'm so screwed up!
Wakka (over speakers): Tidus! Wake up! Wake up!
Tidus: Wakka?
(Wakka walks across the stage, looking upset.)
Tidus: Is something wrong?
Wakka (annoyed): No, I always look this depressed. Of course there's something wrong! The summoner hasn't returned from the trial.
Tidus: Eh?
Wakka: Well, apprentice summoner, really...
Tidus: Ah?
Wakka: Just shut up and listen smartass. There's a room in the temple called the Cloister of Trials. Beyond is wherethe apprentice summoner prays. If the prayer is heard, the apprentice becomes a fully-fledged summoner, remember?
Tidus: Remember? I never knew any of this mumbo-jumbo in the first place! Give a guy some slack! (Tidus suddenly realizes those weren't his lines. He looks sheepish and continues.) So someone is in there somewhere and they haven't come back out. Right, I
got it.
Wakka (to the audience): Why, oh, why did I ever decide to help this bozo? (Tidus overhears, but doesn't get that it's an insult.)
Tidus: Because of my incredible charisma?
Wakka: No.
Tidus: My handsome good looks?
Wakka: No.
Tidus: My . . .
Wakka (angrily): Will you shut up?! (Tidus jumps in surprise. Wakka holds his head in his hands before picking up the script again.) A day's already gone by.
Tidus: Is it particularly dangerous in there?
Wakka (exasperated): If it weren't, would I be worried?
Tidus: Then, why don't you go in and help?
Wakka: Gee, I don't know. There's already guardians in there. Besides, it's forbidden.
Tidus: Hey, but what if somethin' happens? What if the summoner, whatever that is, dies!?
Wakka: The precepts must be obeyed!
Tidus: Like I care! (He runs offstage, Wakka right behind.)
The curtain opens, revealing the inner chamber of the Cloister of Trials. A beautiful lady in a black dress stands in to the left of a large marble staircase; she is LULU, a black mage. Across from her is a man in a furry blue lion costume, KIMAHRI. Both look expectantly at the top of the stairs. Wakka and Tidus run onstage.
Wakka: Hey! What's gotten into you? Only summoners, apprentice
summoners, and their guardians can enter here. It's a tradition. Very important.
Tidus: So what about you?
Wakka: Me? I'm a guardian.
Tidus: A guardian? What's that?
Wakka: Summoners go on a pilgrimage to pray at every temple in Spira. Guardians
protect them. It's tradition.
Tidus: Geez, is anything not tradition around here?
Wakka (scratches his head for a moment to think then says): Nope, not really. The guardians in there now... One of them's got a short fuse, and
who knows what the other's thinking. Well, now that we've come this far...might
as well go all the way!
(They approach the staircase and Lulu turns to Wakka accusingly.)
Lulu: What are you doing here? Didn't think we'd be able to handle
it?
Wakka: No, it's uh...it's just... (to Tidus) See, I told you she gets mad easy. (Tidus ignores him while having a silent glare fest with Kimahri. Wakka finally shakes him until he remembers his line.)
Tidus: Er, is the summoner all right?
(Lulu turns toward Tidus, noticing him for the first time. A light of recognition flickers in her eyes, she shakes her head, but then stares again.)
Lulu (confused): Who are you?
Tidus, mistaking her bewilderment for starstruck adoration, grabs her and kisses her full on the lips. Lulu screams and starts hitting him. Suddenly, the door at the top of the stairs opens and a beautiful female summoner steps out. This is YUNA. Yuna appears to be very exhausted. She stumbles down the stairs and starts to fall when Kimahri runs to catch her. Unfortunately, Yuna is deadweight and both come tumbling down the stairs towards the others. Everyone ends up in a heap. When they finally disentangle themselves, Yuna stands up.
Yuna: I've done it. I have become a summoner!
Tidus: (to the audience, while smoothing his mussed hair) Man was I surprised. And here I was thinking summoners were all old geezers.
Braska (offstage): Thanks a lot! (Jecht baps him with a stick.)
Wakka: Hey, over here! (He and the others back up as Yuna begins to twirl her staff, Wakka dragging Tidus.)
Tidus: What? Ow!
Wakka: Wait till you see this!
Tidus (pulling away): I can't see anything!
Wakka: (to Yuna) Ready!
Yuna: Okay! (She continues to wave her staff around until a giant stuffed chicken falls from the sky onto the stage.) This is Valefor.
Tidus: (aside) I had never seen anything like it in my life. Sure, it was a
little um, scary, but still...I could feel a strange kind of juiciness-I mean-gentleness coming from it.
VALEFOR clucks and flies away. The curtain closes and the blitzball players from before come out in front of the curtain with a plastic glowing campfire. They drop it with a "squeak" and exit. Yuna wanders up to it and sits down. Then Tidus's head peaks out from behind the curtain.
Tidus: I remember... That night, we talked for the first time. I didn't know it then, but after that night, everything changed. For everyone...For me...For Spira…For the galaxy…For the universe…
Blitz player (popping back onstage): Ya, we get your point, brudda. Let's get on wid it.
Tidus approaches Yuna.
Tidus: Hey, I'm sorry about breaking in the temple…
Yuna: But it was really my fault to begin with. I'm Yuna.
Thank you so much for your help earlier.
Tidus (blinking): I helped? I don't recall ever… I mean…. Guess
I...kind of overreacted.
Yuna: Oh, no. I was...overconfident.
Tidus: Um, I saw that chicken thing. That's um, interesting!
Yuna (glaring): It's called an Aeon! But anyway, do you think I can become high summoner?
Tidus: um…
Lulu and Wakka appear from behind the curtain as the music swells.
Yuna: Me, to follow in my father's footsteps and become (sings) High Summoner! (speaking) Me, Yuna, defeating Sin as (sings) High Summoner!
Lulu/Wakka/Yuna (sing):
High, high Summoner!
High, high Summoner!
Hi-I-I-I-igh High Summoner!
High Summoner! High Summoner!
High! High! Sum! Sum!
Wakka/Lulu/Tidus:
High Summoner!
High Summoner!
She's gonna become High Summoner!
How could anybody be
Half as fortunate as she?
We'll be at her side,
When she's a deified
High Summoner!
High Summoner!
High Summoner!
She's gonna become High Summoner!
Yuna (to the audience) I've got a wonderful father-- who's dead, an uncle and cousin I don't even know, and now this!
Wakka/Lulu/Tidus:
Someday we'll gain fame
When Yuna earns the name
Tidus (speaking): Yuna, why are we singing?
Wakka/Lulu/Yuna: High Summoner! (The number finishes and Lulu and Wakka go back behind the curtiain.)
Tidus: Whoa, that was weird.
Yuna: So, tomorrow, then.
Tidus: Tomorrow?
Yuna (raising her eyebrows): You know…
Tidus (starting to sweat): So soon?
Yuna: We're going on the same boat, aren't we?
Tidus: Oh, really? So you're saying you want to…
Yuna: Save it for tomorrow. Then, we can talk more. You can tell me all about… Zanarkand! (She walks off swinging her hips.)
Wakka (popping his head out from behind the curtain): She's cute, ya?
Tidus (fanning himself): Yeah!
Wakka: Don't get no ideas.
Tidus: No promises there, big guy. Hey, but what if she, like, comes on to me?
Wakka: That's not going to happen.
Tidus (to audience): That's what he thinks.
Wakka: If you get tired, let me know. I had a bed made for you.
Tidus: Okay for tonight, but tomorrow, I'm getting a better roommate. (He rubs his hands together)
Wakka (oblivious): Hm? Ready for bed?
Tidus: Yeah.
Wakka: Good. Sleep tight.
A/N: Another short scene, but I intend to write more real soon (Christmas break, anyone?) I hope that was funny enough for you people. Sorry about the lack of songs. (In case you were wondering, that was "Hymn for a Sunday Evening" from Bye Bye, Birdie)