Disclaimer: The ever-wonderful J.K Rowling owns all but the journal idea.

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beta by: ilovethedotgame

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Chapter Fifteen: Thinking About Her

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James Potter

Sirius Black

Remus Lupin

Peter Pettigrew

After thinking it over, I feel that I should apologize to Lily for putting her through that spectacle in the hallway. Nevertheless, everything I said holds true, and I don't plan to apologize for my feelings.

I have apologized and all is right with the world.

Well, except for the fact that Lily said she wouldn't go out with me…and the rise of Voldemort…and starving children in Africa…but you get the picture. Everything is as good as it's going to get (at this point anyway) on the Lily front.

I still can't believe I asked her out and in the middle of the hallway no less…What was I thinking? Was I thinking?

I could have seriously damaged our friendship - I could have ruined our friendship! And I have not gone through "Project Fix My Personality" only to mess things up now.

Lily is truly one of the nicest people that I have ever met. Seriously, if it had been anyone else but Lily, they never would have given me a chance, never would have befriended me. But she did. And I can never thank her enough for getting to know the real me. Not the trouble making prat –although that is a big part of who I am – but the more mature side of me, the side who has a mind and writes his feelings in this notebook.

What is a Lily Front?

You know in a war, there's the home front? Well, this is the Lily front in the war for her heart.

I think you're loosing the war.

Gee, thanks, Pete.

Something really odd happened today in Transfiguration. I was sitting in my seat, minding my own business and taking notes like I'm supposed to, when Professor McGonagall asked Lily a question. And Lily wasn't listening! McGonagall asked her to repeat it, but she couldn't.

And it gets weirder. The Professor then told Lily to pay attention and –get ready for this – to stop staring at me.

Staring at me?

Me?

Why?

I wonder if she's still angry…She said she wasn't but you how people sometimes say they're okay with something but really they're royally ticked off about it? Maybe Lily pulled one of those…

Lily wouldn't do that. She couldn't. She's too honest and nice. If she were angry with me, she would tell me.

But then why was she staring at me?

I must have had something on my back. Maybe Sirius put spello-tape on the back of my robes again…that must be it.

I did no such thing! She was probably imagining giving you a haircut or something. Merlin knows you need one.

I had a terrible dream last night. I was in Transfiguration, just like the other day when Lily was watching me. The last time, in real life, I turned around and gave her a small smile, but this time, I found myself frowning at her – glaring at her.

She looked hurt, but tried to hide it. I couldn't believe how I was treating her as though she were nothing. But I couldn't help it. I had no control over my actions.

The bell rang signaling the end of class and I got up and walked out of the classroom. As I made my way down the hallway, Lily came up beside me and started walking with me.

Internally, I felt glad that she was there by my side, but felt myself frowning at her and asking her why she was walking with me. She gave me another one of those hurt looks and replied in a small voice, "Because…I'm your friend."

And I laughed at her.

I laughed at her in a cold, malicious way, in the way one person sets out to hurt another. And I succeeded.

"What makes you think you and I are friends?" I snarled at her and tears filled her emerald eyes. "You're nothing to me, Evans. Nothing!"

And then I walked away with that nasty sardonic grin on my face, but feeling dead inside from the hurt I had just caused her.

I woke up with something wet on my face. I quickly wiped it off. No one else was up yet, but I didn't bother to wake them. I got dressed as quickly as humanly possible and ran down to the common room.

It was still empty – I guess I was the first one up. I didn't care that the sun was just starting to come up, all I cared about at that moment was seeing Lily and assuring both myself and her of our friendship.

I don't know how long I stood at the bottom of the girls' staircase – I don't really care – but suddenly there was the slamming of a door and the thunder of feet as someone quickly made their way down the stairs.

It was Lily. She was quite disheveled looking, as though she had dressed quickly and without thought. Her hair was a bit frizzy as though she had merely run her brush through it once or twice.

She looked beautiful.

The moment I spotted her, I lifted her off the floor in a gigantic hug, pulling her to me and holding on as tightly as I possibly could.

It turned out I was hurting her, so I set her down and loosened my grip, but I didn't stop hugging her. I couldn't let go. I just wanted her as near to me as she could physically be. I buried my face in her hair, breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo and reassuring myself that she was there and we were friends.

She wanted to know what the hug was for, so I told her about my dream. A weird look passed over her face and I wondered what it could mean until she told me that she had had the exact same dream.

It took me a moment to figure out, but then everything became clear. It to be the dream spell – the one I created back in the days when I stalked and harassed Lily to no end. And the only other person who knows the dream spell is Sirius.

Then Lily told me that she was sorry. Sorry because the way I had treated her in the dream was the way she used to treat me before I grew up and we became friends.

She asked me to forgive her, so I did, but the truth is I forgave her a long time ago -before today, before we were friends. Each and every time she rejected me and was harsh towards me, I forgave her.

I hold no resentment about how she used to act towards me. I deserved no more, really. Still, it felt good to be able to offer forgiveness when she wanted it so badly.

Which reminds me – thanks Sirius.

Any time, Prongs. Any time.

You guys were both being so tense – I just thought I'd remind you two what your friendship means to each other. I dare say it worked.

Lily's going home for Easter break. Blast. I had hoped she would stay here so I could spend more time with her, just like over Christmas holiday.

I even had the beginnings of an egg hunt all planned out for her. Oh well, there's always next year, I suppose.

Why don't you send her Easter eggs?

I did that last year. And need I remind you how much trouble I got in because Sirius put those notes in with "Lily and James Potter" all over them? Or that letter I sent where I had Arrow fly in the door and drop it on the table? Do you not remember my parent's reaction? I believe the words were "James Harold Potter! What are you doing to that poor girl?"

I didn't mean send her more harassment letters, I just meant some nice eggs with chocolate in them or a note that says "miss you" or something.

But I've done the egg thing.

Yes, but last year you were being obnoxious with the eggs, this year you won't be.

So…non- obnoxious eggs and notes are symbolic of how I've changed, is that the point you're trying to make here?

Yes!

Why can't you just say so in the first place instead of dancing around the answer?

It's more fun to watch you squirm.

Thanks.

I'm just trying to be helpful.

You could be helpful and get me something from the kitchens.

Stupid Charms essay. Professor Flitwick is a nice man, but honestly, couldn't we have one holiday without homework in that class? Just one? Would that be too much to ask?

I'm much better at Transfiguration than I am at Charms. Not to say I'm bad at Charms, I'm not. I just have to actually do a bit of work when it comes to that subject.

I wonder what Lily's doing right now…

I couldn't stop thinking about Lily today. I tried all sorts of things to try and get my mind off of her, but none of them worked.

I played quidditch. My quidditch robes are red and her hair is red.

I finished my Charms essay. Charms is Lily's best and favorite subject.

I snuck down to the kitchens. I ate a chocolate éclair; they're Lily's favorite.

I tormented the caretaker's cat, Mrs. Norris. Lily likes animals.

I read a book about quidditch. Lily likes to read.

I'm going crazy!

You read a book on quidditch and managed to relate it to Lily? Merlin, you're in deep.

I agree.

More things are adding up.

You mean what I saw that one day in class?

Yes.

What did you see?

Can't say here. Let's go to the same spot as last time.

Why are we writing about talking about James in his journal?

So maybe he'll figure it out on his own.

We hope anyway. The poor fool's so blind to everything about that girl.

I do not understand my friends.

And by the way – stop breaking into my notebook!

Today is Easter and I sent Lily the eggs just like Remus suggested. I filled them with chocolate and every flavor beans and notes that said things like "thanks for being a friend" "miss you" and unromantic, purely platonic things like that.

Except you didn't mean them platonically.

She doesn't know that.

Oh, I think she does.

Dear Lily,

I miss you.

And so does Sirius. And Remus. And Peter. I'm sure your other friends miss you, but seeing as they also went home for break, I can't ask them. But I miss you most of all. The guys are great friends, but you're something special.

Our next quidditch match is on the Saturday after you get back. Please come and see us play. You're good luck. Speaking of which, I still have your shoe.

Well, must go. The guys want to pull some sort of prank. Nothing involving Slytherins or innocent bystanders, I promise. It's…just a little something in the common room.

Yours always,

James Potter

Dear James,

I miss all of you guys, too. Tell everyone I say "hello" and that I'll see them soon.

Life is kind of boring without you and Sirius blowing something up or pulling some sort of prank. Speaking of pranks, just what is this prank you're going to pull? No one had better be hurt in the process, including yourself and Sirius.

Of course I'll come to your game. You thought I would pass up an opportunity to watch you play? Don't let that statement go to your head, now.

Petunia is a nightmare. She avoids me like the plague and only stays in the same room with me if mum or dad forces her to. She has a new boyfriend named Vernon. What kind of a name is that? It sounds old and stuffy and boring. Don't you think so?

I have to go now; I have to work in my garden. I'm planting some of the lilies you gave me.

Always,

Lily Evans

Why does she sign her letters "Always, Lily Evans?" She's not always going to be Lily Evans unless she keeps her maiden name when she marries. Maybe I'll ask her someday.

I hate Petunia. I've only met her once, but I hate her. I hate how she makes Lily feel, so unworthy and unimportant.

Lily is so sweet – how any one could find it in their heart to treat her badly is beyond me. I think she's almost too understanding, too forgiving. Sure she complains a bit to me about it, but Lily's friends say that when she's around Petunia, she just accepts the cold shoulder and spiteful glances Petunia gives her.

And she shouldn't have to. I want to always be the one to protect her from people like Petunia who would crush her spirit.

I think I might…no. I'm seventeen; I don't know anything about it.

Only…sometimes I feel I know so much about it…

Lily returns tomorrow!

Good, I'm tired of you moping about feeling sorry for yourself. And by the way – 'Merlin and Agrippa' is not a good password. It's too common of a phrase, mate. Anyone could say it and then your little journal just magically pops open, and that's just an invitation to write in it.

It's a notebook! How many times to do I have to say it!

This – is – not – a – journal!

Whatever you say, James.

p.s. 'Keep out Sirius' isn't a very good password either.

Lily's back!

I have to admit that I got a bit carried away with my greeting. I rather flung myself at her and knocked her down. At least we landed on the grass when we fell.

I also banged my head against hers which hurt quite a bit. That girl has a hard head. But that's okay, because I gave her a kiss on the forehead to make up for it and she didn't seem to mind too terribly much.

I'm so glad she's back; I missed her. And you know what?

She missed me too!

Review Responses

justdreem: Sorry if the last chapter was a bit short, but since this is a counterpart, I've got to follow pretty closely to what happens in Lily's journal. I am trying to make these chapters a little longer than the counterpart ones.

Bleh: Oh, thank you so much! That was really so nice oh you to say that:-D

Queen Of Day Dreams: I am having a good summer vacation, thanks! I hope you are too! I agree 100 about the Peter thing. He would have had to be a definite part of the group to be trusted by the others (even if not so much by Sirius).

J.E.A.R.K.Potter: Yes, the story is drawing to a close. :-(

Tigoamy: I hope this was soon enough!

NinitademiBrooke: Thank you! I will try to update quickly! I'm going to try really hard to get this story finished before school starts so I'm not working on two different stories during the school year.

PranksterPrefect: Your review was not lame! I enjoyed it very much!

Lady Sonora the Black-Rose: Thanks!

Ahtnamas: I've never had someone say "continue when you have time". I really appreciate that! Thank you!

Nosilla: Of course it's not a journal. (yeah, right!) Not to be nosy, but is Nosilla your name spelled backwards? Because if it is, that's definitely my name!

AnneChristy: Yeah, it would be kind of nice not to have just about every entry planned out. That's part of why I made Sirius, Remus, and Peter write in this "idea notebook" – so I could have something on this story that wasn't in the other. Otherwise they'd be way too similar.

Ashley: They're in their 6th year. Thanks, I will!

illegiblewriter: Oh, I agree with you about liking James's journal (I mean idea notebook) better. Even though "In This Journal" was my first story, this one is my favorite. I think his point of view is more fun to write because he can be so sweet sometimes, but then so dense at others. Never feel bad for constructive criticism! It's a good thing and I am always completely open to it. In all honesty, I'd never even considered telling more about James' school/home life. I added the little telling about Transfiguration part in here for you, and I will try to add more little stuff like that here and there, but for the most part, I'm just going to stick to "James likes Lily" because really, this story isn't about Voldemort on the rise or James' life at school. Besides, telling more about his life other than Lily would probably seem to "journal-ish" to James! Thank you so much for the very helpful review!

Aleana: You're addicted to my story? Thanks! And yes, you do have to love Sirius!

InuBecka: "Poor James" will figure things out and get it right in the end!

Laughing Dragoness: Thank you so much!