My Angel

A One Part fanfiction by Crystaltambaia

Summary: Angel sacrifices himself to save the scoobies, and Buffy is saved by a miracle. A very blond, very alive peroxide miracle. That miracle then shows her the power of loving. Post-Chosen. BuffyAngel BuffySpike.

Rating: PG-13 for character death and violence.

"Angel!" Buffy screamed, voice hoarse with shouting.

The dust tore at her throat, shredding it, and the battle was so confusing, the terror all encompassing, but all she could see was that one man.

That one vampire.

Her Angel

The sun shone brightly on the field of battle, but he was there.

The heat shimmered over the dead bodies, insects already attacking them, but he was there.

The dust gathered around her until she nearly choked, but he was there.

From through the trees, she could see it. Them.

The enemy. And Angel was going straight for them.

At the sound of her voice, everything seemed to stop for a minute. The battle seemed irrelevant, and the enemy incosequential. He turned, and even from that distance, she could see the determination on his face.

"I love you," he said. Of course, she couldn't hear him. But he knew that she had gotten the message.

And he turned around, jacket already on fire.

There were tears streaking through the dirt on Buffy's face, and she madly, blindly fought the demons around her.

Mindlessly.

Until they were all gone. But it was too late. Angel had already gone to the trees, on fire.

The trees were all colored bright orange now, the heat of the flames licking up the trees devouring the dry sticks that craved water, but now just got heat.

She couldn't even see him any more.

She couldn't breath. The smoke and the dust were choking her, killing her.

But she didn't care. If that meant she could be with Angel.

She hadn't even told him.

Before she lost consciousness completely, she felt cool hands around her, and a familiar voice.

"It'll be alright love."

The flames licked around her and her savior, and she knew no more.

"I think she's waking up," said a voice.

"Don't get your hopes up, bit."

"But you said she would be fine!"

"She will be. Eventually. We don't know how long it will take."

Fuzziness clouded Buffy's senses, and she blinked several times before she could actually see anything. Bleary-eyed, she looked up, and she saw several faces peering down on her.

One of which she had never thought to see again in her life.

"Spike!" she gasped, struggling to sit up, but cool hands touched her burned skin, pushing her gently back down.

"Ssshh. Rest Buffy. You're not strong enough to get up yet."

"Dawn?"

"Right here, sis." And there she was, all grown up and beautiful.

"I love you Dawn," Buffy whispered. Dawn grinned in reply.

"Yep, she's all better Spike."

"We can't be sure of that, nibblet."

Buffy turned her head back towards the other shape. The one that couldn't be real. The one that she had seen on fire with her own eyes last year. The one that had been buried with the rest of Sunnydale.

"H-how?"

"There'll be time enough for that later. Suffice it to say, I'm back. Ensouled vampire and all. You need to get some sleep, Buffy. You've had a rough day."

Rough day didn't even begin to describe the carnage, the death, that had occurred. One death in particular. The first man she had ever loved was gone. He had left her alone to deal with life. How could he have done that? However, Buffy nodded, words still escaping her. She felt that every time she tried to open her mouth, untold emotions would come flooding out, and she wouldn't be able to control herself.

"Sleep down here. There's an extra cot in the corner where I can sleep, and you can take my bed." Spike turned to Dawn. "Go to sleep love. I'll check on you later." For the first time, Dawn went without protest.

Buffy looked over at Spike silently, and he looked back, no emotion masked from his face. He was weary, exhausted, and he was giving up him bed for her. She smiled her thanks, and went to the bed. When she had completely buried herself under the duvet, Spike turned the lights out.

She could here him rustling about near the corner cot, and she felt some of her tension, fear, and other bottled up emotions easing off.

It was amazing how just his presence could be so soothing.

She almost laughed to herself. Ironic, wasn't it, that she couldn't sleep without one of the monsters that she was supposed to kill, according to her job title.

Well, she had never been a normal Slayer.

She unburied her head from the covers and whispered into the dark, "Spike?"

"Yeah?" he answered from the opposite side of the room.

"Thanks."

And that was that.

When Spike woke up the next morning, it was to find Buffy in the basement, frantically searching around. When she realized that he was up, she turned, gave him a tense smile, searched for a few more seconds, then paced around the room.

"What is it, Buffy? You're all jittery." He sat up in bed, sheets slipping to reveal his very real stomach. Buffy blushed and turned away from him while he got dressed.

"Where's Dawn?"

"She's asleep upstairs. Why?"

"We need to go."

"Stay here. You need to lie low for a while. Those monsters are still after you." Spike walked over to her, standing behind her and put a hand on her shoulder.

She didn't brush it away.

"I need to protect Dawn."

"I can protect Dawn from the monsters."

"You're a vampire, Spike. Hello, evil demon-thing! If that's not a monster, I don't know what is!"

"I have a soul, Buffy."

"You're a monster. You can't function in normal society!"

"I'm a perfectly polite, civil person!"

"You couldn't even be civil to my family!"

"I loved your mum! It's not my fault that I tried to kill you with an ax when I was evil."

"You didn't even come to her funeral you bastard. Where do you get off saying you loved her?"

"I couldn't – it was in the morning, remember? Sunlight and vampires don't mix too well love."

"Angel came," she whispered, looking down at the dusty floor.

"Angel's dead," he replied firmly, gently touching her elbow.

There were tears in her eyes as she looked up at him. He was staring at her so intently that she almost couldn't bear it.

"Why did it have to happen?" she asked, innocence all over her still-young face.

"He gave his life to save you."

"But why him?"

"He loved you, that's why. He couldn't live, knowing that you could never—" here he paused, swallowing, "knowing that you could never love him back."

"But I did love him! I still do!"

"You haven't been truly in love with him since you killed him."

"I was seventeen! I didn't know what love was!"

"Have you ever known?" he whispered, eyes dark and serious.

"I can love! I love Dawn. And my mother. And Xander and Willow and Giles."

"But did you love Riley?" he asked. Buffy didn't answer, instead looking at her feet again. Spike reached out and lifted her chin up. "Answer me, love." She shook her head, lifting her eyes to meet his. "As much as I hate to admit it pet, the man loved you. With all his heart and soul. And it tore him apart that you didn't love him back."

"What do you know about love?" demanded Buffy, "before last year, you were a soulless demon-thing."

"But I knew how to love. I still do. I loved Dru. I loved you. I even loved my mother after I had to stake her. Love – love is the most powerful – incredible experience that someone can – look love, there aren't even words for it. I'm not doing it justice."

"How do you know it's real? How do you know you're really in love."

"You just do, pet. It's instinctive. It possesses you like no manner of magic could ever do."

"Besides, love isn't just romantic love."

"But do you really love them, all of them, I mean? You love your mum and your sister because you have to. They're family. You love Xander and Willow because they're your friends. You love Giles because he's your watcher. You never really loved Angel. Does there have to be reason for love?"

"Yes."

"That's just it. Dru broke my heart so many times I couldn't even count. But I still loved her. I had no reason to love her. I just did. I had no reason to love you. Even less than I did Dru – she's not my mortal enemy. Love doesn't know reason. That's what makes it so powerful."

"You didn't love me."

"I did. And I still do. But I told you. That night, before, you know. I told you. I don't expect anything from you, or anyone. I just love."

"Why?" her voice was barely audible, and tears were streaming down her face.

"I don't know why. And that's the beauty of it. You can love, Buffy. You're just afraid to let people in. You're afraid that your protection won't be enough for them. You're afraid that by loving them, you're giving up a part of yourself."

"Aren't I?

"That's the beauty of love."

"What?"

"That you're not afraid."

"To what?"

"To give up part of yourself. To drown yourself completely in ectasy." Spike looked down penetratingly at the woman in front of him, gripping both of her shoulders firmly in his grasp. The tears on her face made streaks, and her eyes glistened with the dampness, but Spike was still lost in her beauty.

There she was, standing there, soul bared for him to see.

And he loved her for it.

They stood in silence for several moments until Buffy whispered something under her breath.

"What?" Spike asked, and her head came up again.

"I—I think that—I'm done."

"What?" he asked again.

"That night, when I defeated Caleb. When Angel gave me the amulet. I-I told him something."

"Go on," Spike whispered.

"I said that I was like cookie dough, and I just wasn't done baking." She paused, looking up at Spike, who was staring intently back down at her, hand still gripping her shoulders. "I told him that, I told him that it might be years. Before I was done. Before I was ready to love."

"And?" Spike asked, fearing to push her too far.

"I think I'm done. I'm ready."

Spike felt like his heart had stopped beating.

Of course, it never had started in the first place. It was a figure of speech.

"Buffy, I—" but he was stopped by Buffy's finger on his lip. Spike could hardly move, and he knew that his world had stopped turning.

She slowly took his right hand in her left, just like she had during that last battle, and then turned back towards him.

"I love you," she said simply.

Last time, it hadn't been true. She hadn't been ready.

This time though, he knew it was real.

Slowly, carefully, he bent down towards her and brushed his lips gently across hers. Buffy closed her eyes, drowning in the feeling of Spike.

Neither one pushed anything on the other, and they broke apart, both slightly breathless from the feel of the other person.

Then they looked at each other, hands intertwined, tears staining both of their cheeks.

And they smiled.

My Angel, Buffy thought.

Author's note:

I wrote this more weirdly than I have ever written any fanfiction. I started at the part where Spike says he loved Buffy's mother, and wrote until the end. Then I wrote completely backwards until the point where Spike tells Buffy she should go to sleep. Then I started from the beginning and wrote from there.

Anyway, I hope you like it. It's my first venture into the Buffy universe for writing.

Please review!

Crystaltambaia