Chapter Two: Problem is "diet's" not a big enough word

Disclaimer: Don't own GW, and the chapter title is from "4st. 7lbs." by the Manic Street Preachers.

IMPORTANT A/N: Ok, now here's where the story gets controversial. And I don't just mean by pairing two guys together. In this chapter, Duo is going to "discover" pro [anorexia]. Now, I personally am not pro, though.. I have to admit that, yes, I used to be. However, I do have friends who currently are pro. Wonderful friends, amazing people who I love very dearly. I know that the general population absolutely despises people who are pro anorexic and/or bulimic. And I understand how you would feel like that, BUT I have another understanding that you probably don't. I don't want to get into the why's, the what's, any bullshit explanation, because that's not important right now. I'm putting this note here for one reason, and one reason only: Do NOT flame this story simply because I'm incorporating something that is very controversial. Please don't even leave a review saying, "Cool story, but I don't understand pro! Those people are crazy!!!" "Those people" most certainly are not crazy. Misguided? Maybe. Sick? Probably. But I'm not going to judge, and neither should you. Please don't even comment on the weight loss aspect, ok? Because, as I'm going to explain in later chapters of this story, anorexia, pro ana, bulimia, pro mia, it's not solely to lose weight, and anyone with any sort of ED will tell you the same. Like I said in the story summary and other A/N's, I plan on making this story very different from all the others on this topic. Please do bear with me, ok? In this day and age, "pro ana" is a very big part of eating disorders, part of the truth that so often gets overlooked in fan/fiction. If you don't understand, that's ok. You shouldn't have to understand something like that, no one should. But please don't judge, don't assume, and don't flame. I would appreciate it very much if you just kept the negative comments on pro to yourself. I will be exploring the why's, what's, and explanations in later chapters, because I desperately want people to get it, to understand what it's like to be in such a desperate position that you turn to something so destructive, turn to people who actually encourage it. And I want you to understand that said people are NOT bad, crazy, or disgusting. I promise I will explore all this later, but for now, just bear with me. Please. If you're still reading this, thank you. And now, on to the story! :

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As the weeks went by, he began to stare at himself more and more, studying the reflection in the glass, focusing on the curves of his face, his hips, his chest, until he felt like he was falling into the mirror. Falling into the depths, slowly fading away into a world of make believe, a world of funhouse mirrors where up is down, right is wrong, white is black, and thin is fat.

He told no one of his plan, of his newfound quest for perfection, for he knew that the others wouldn't approve of such things. He kept it to himself, hiding out and secluding himself more and more as the days went by.

It started with the diet, coupled with the new grooming rituals, and ended in perfection. Or so he believed. Everything in his life was now calculated, every last minute of his day planned out, recorded, analyzed. Just like Heero and his mission logs, just like Relena and her busy schedules. It felt good because for the first time in his life, Duo wasn't confused. There was no tiptoeing around the right and wrong, second-guessing his feelings for his best friend. He was in control of his life, and therefore in control of what he felt, experienced, and believed. At least, that is what he managed to convince himself. There were still the dark shadows lurking in the back of his mind, but with the newly found rituals, those shadows, whispers, fears of the unknown, could be pushed aside, ignored. At least for the time being.

Suddenly, a soft beeping resounded throughout the otherwise quiet room, and Duo smiled, reaching down to turn off the alarm on his wristwatch. 12:00 on the dot, time for lunch. Can't be late, if you're late, you don't eat. Rush downstairs, the seconds are ticking away, faster, run!

Breath hitching, Duo slid down into a chair in Quatre's elaborate dining room, checking his watch again quickly. 12:00 and 57 seconds. He'd made it! Taking a few moments to catch his breath, he slowly stood and made his way over to the refrigerator, eyes gliding over the rich contents of the shelves. Smirking, he pulled out the lettuce he had seen Relena eating at that infamous lunch three weeks ago, and added to it the Japanese dish he had seen Heero consume last night for dinner. This particular meal wasn't exactly low in calorie, but he'd been doing well on his diet thus far, already having lost three pounds in two weeks. So, just this once, he reasoned, the rich meal could be allowed.

Fork on the left side of the plate, knife on the right, serrated edge facing inwards, towards the dish. Wait two seconds, pick up the fork, wait one more moment, pick up the knife. Then, and only then, was he allowed to eat, and enjoy his meal.

And enjoy it he did. Savoring each and every bite, Duo licked his lips once the last mouthful had been swallowed, and he smiled. A real, genuine grin. He had eaten what he planned, not gone over, not gone under, and had finished in the allotted time. Yes, things were looking up for him.

A muffled noise was heard from behind him, and Duo turned around to face Heero, who was pulling on his leather jacket and opening the front door.

"Hey Hee-chan, where you off to?"

"Relena."

A slight frown, quickly disguised and flipped into a grin. "Ah. Well, tell her Majesty that I said hello!"

"Hn."

And then he was gone, and Duo was alone, once again. Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre were out for the afternoon, visiting Catherine at the circus. Only Heero and Duo had opted to stay home, each for their own reasons. For once though, Duo was not afraid of the solitude, uncomfortable with it, as he had once been. Now, he enjoyed it, for it was the only time he could truly be himself, free of the masks, the façade, the silly grin that he wore about his friends, his peers, the world.

Standing quickly, Duo made his way to the bathroom, washing his hands before casually checking his reflection once again in the mirror. Satisfied with the image staring back at him, he quietly stepped on the scale and watched as the numbers climbed, higher, higher, higher. Biting back a gasp of surprise, a groan of horror, Duo gaped at the numbers glaring him in the face. 156.. Three pounds more than the day before! And all from one meal?!

Kicking the scale with his steal-toed boots, Duo scowled at his reflection, no longer pleased with the image, and stormed angrily out of the bathroom, into the room he and Heero once shared. Glancing at the laptop laying on a desk in the corner, Duo got a dangerous idea.

He did not know much about nutrition, didn't know the right sort of foods to eat on a diet, how much to consume daily, weekly, how much to exercise, what to do, what not to do. He couldn't ask someone like Relena, who he suspected knew very much about the do's and don'ts of dieting, so where better to find the information than on the web? He knew that his friend would absolutely murder him if he found out, but Duo wasn't called Shinigami for nothing. No one would find out, and he would have the information he needed to make his plan a success.

Checking once more to make sure that he was alone, the American sat down tentatively in front of the computer, almost as if he was afraid it was a bomb, ready to explode the second he touched it. He waited patiently while the machine loaded up, and when it did, he signed online and did a search under the word "diet". Suddenly, thousands of sites were staring him back in the face, the titles and organizations many. Shrugging, Duo clicked on the first link listed without looking at the name or the URL.

"Perfect Ones, your guide to pro ana" appeared on the screen, and Duo quirked an eyebrow in surprise. Pro ana? He'd never before heard the term, but the contents on the site intrigued him. "Tips and tricks", "table manners", "safe foods", "thinspiration". The last one caused a frown to pull slightly at his lips, but nevertheless, he continued clicking, curiosity getting the best of him.

Curiosity, of course, killed the cat.