Chapter Four: Love your masks and adore your failure

Disclaimer: Don't own GW, and the chapter title is from "Stay Beautiful" by the Manic Street Preachers.

IMPORTANT: Please see last chapter's A/N, as I don't want to waste disk space by repeating it. ;

Dedication: Dragen Eyes. Because she sent me the most lovely e-mail, lol. [which I AM going to respond to! Ugh, my computer is dying so I can't get online half the time .]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

He'd never intended it to be more than a diet. He didn't want a disorder, an obsession, a lifestyle. But where does diet end and anorexia begin? He wasn't so sure anymore, and that, more than anything, was what scared him.

The days were short, his nights long, filled with hours of exercising, sneaking down into the kitchen to eat while no one else was around, and borrowing Heero's laptop to visit his websites, talk to his newfound friends. He didn't realize that the insomnia he had always despised was caused by the diet.

It was late one night in early June when Duo tiptoed down the creaky staircase, his braid heavy with sweat and sticking to his neck, beads of perspiration resting on his forehead, that the suspicions began. He'd been doing it for the past few weeks, staying up late so he could eat when no was awake to "catch" him. For Duo, eating in front of others had become a humiliation. He felt at his most vulnerable when his friends watched his eating habits, and this was the reason for the recent late-night binging.

So far, no one had caught on. No one even suspected, and though glad that his secret was safe for the time being, another part of Duo was bitter. Ever since Heero and Relena had broken up, the other pilots' attention had been focused solely on the Perfect Soldier. He couldn't help but hate his friends for this. He had been in so much pain for so long, and still they failed to notice. He hid behind a smile, a grin, so transparent that he felt almost angry with his friends for not seeing through to the real him. But when Heero shows one sign of emotion, they all come running to help. The plus side to this was that they were all too busy with Heero to notice his own deterioration, his fall into the abyss.

And so it was that on that summer night, Duo entered the kitchen, for once not taking care to be absolutely silent, in fear of waking his friends. He felt sick to his stomach, and had to lean over the sink for a few seconds before standing again, shaking his head clear, and walking to the refrigerator. Stomach muscles weakened by months of starvation coupled with an ungodly amount of stress had caused him to become violently ill at least one or two times a day. He knew what would fix it though.

Standing in front of the open door, he relished in the cool breeze that washed over his sweat-soaked body, just standing there and relaxing for a moment before digging into his private "stash". The food he had bought – and hidden – just for himself, for moments and for nights like these. He wasn't stupid. He knew what he was doing, oh he knew exactly what he was doing. But.. the fact was that he just couldn't stop. And as long as he undid the deed, erased the mistake, the storm in Duo's mind was calm, at least until the next time.

Ice cream (so soft and easy to reverse), crackers, cookies, a million and one forbidden foods passed his lips. It was the only time that he allowed himself to eat "normally", without rituals, counting, hiding, and controlling. Though he supposed it wasn't exactly "normal" to shove two or three cookies in his mouth at once, to swallow barely having tasted the food, not even bothering with the nuance of chewing. He refused to think about that.. He concentrated solely on the fact that he would be able to get rid of it all. If he could just keep his mind focused on that, he would be all right.

Suddenly, a small cough echoed through the room, and Duo jumped in his seat, nearly crying out in surprise and in shame. He looked up guiltily to find Heero standing in the doorway, just…staring.

Fear, guilt, anger, humiliation, frustration… All of it came crashing down on Duo in that one instant, and he snapped. Joker's mask gone, smiles forgotten.

"What the fuck do you want, Yuy?" he asked in a dangerous voice. Though voiced softly, the tone spoke volumes.

For the first time in his life, Heero looked uncomfortable. This threw Duo off for a second, and he forgot his anger and embarrassment just for one moment.

"I, uh.. What are you doing?" the Japanese asked quietly, unsure of how to handle this situation. Unsure what situation it was exactly that he should be handling.

"What the fuck does it look like? Jesus, I'm fucking eating, is that such a crime?!" Duo felt that Heero's odd look was one of disapproval, that since he was caught in the act, his friend must think he was a pig, an unworthy person, someone who needed and wanted and craved.

"No, but…" Heero trailed off, his eyes scanning the various bags and containers scattered all around the kitchen. "It is 3:00 in the morning, you do realize that." It was more a statement than a question, and Duo knew this.

"So what?" Looking down, he once again felt vulnerable, and it was in that moment that the realization sunk in. He had eaten.. No, he had binged, and now he was sitting around having a conversation with his friend instead of getting rid of it. He began to panic, his hands shaking, his breath coming in shallow gasps. "I have to go," he muttered before standing and starting towards the bathroom.

Two hands grasping tightly around his waist stopped Duo in his tracks, and he turned around to punch the man who had stopped him.

"Duo, what is going on?"

Hand poised in midair, ready to come in contact with flesh, he stopped, and just started for a moment at his friend. There was something in his eyes that Duo had never seen before. Concern? Care? …Worry? And then, just as suddenly as his anger had flared, he deflated in Heero's arms, tears rapidly filling the amethyst eyes.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Duo murmured, blinking swiftly in an attempt to combat the oncoming tears.

The only thing Heero knew right then was that he had to keep his friend out of the bathroom, at all costs. He didn't know why, but something in Duo's eyes… Something was off, though he couldn't tell just what it was. Looking back later, he would reflect that this was one of the moments he should have grown suspicious. Should have realized what was going on, and put a stop to it immediately, instead of pretending it all away.

"No," he stated firmly, as the American attempted desperately to pry himself away. Heero's grip around his stomach only increased, and it was then that Heero drew back in shock and stared at Duo, horrified. Seeing his expression, Duo paused in his mad dash to the bathroom, suddenly feeling very afraid.

"What is it, Hee-chan?" he asked, attempting to hide the pain he felt, trying to do anything he could to get himself out of this situation.

"What… How much… When was the last time you weighed yourself, Duo?"

Fear. Cold, icy fear gripping his heart, squeezing it and constricting, while his stomach dropped and his body froze.

"What do you mean?"

Visibly shaken, Heero took a cautious step forward, reaching his hand out to grasp a hold of Duo's nightshirt.

"Heero, what are you doing?!"

Not bothering to venture a response, Heero quickly tore the shirt off of Duo's frail body, and took in the image before him. Suddenly, he felt sick to his stomach, and for the moment could do nothing but stare in shock.

It wasn't like his body was emaciated, each rib pronounced and protruding over stretched skin. It wasn't that, not yet, but the muscles that had once rippled across Duo's frame were long gone, he looked pale and sickly.. So far from the Duo he had once known.

As for Duo, he felt uneasy, to say the least. He could feel Heero's eyes boring into him, and he knew.. just knew that the Japanese man was looking at him in such a way because he was disgusted at the fat, the flaws, the imperfections. He didn't know what to say for the moment, so he did the only thing he could think of. He fled. Running, feet barely stopping to rest on the steps as he climbed higher and higher, finally stopping when he came to the bathroom on the third floor.

Close the door, click the lock, put on the faucets.. can't bother with brushing the teeth, not enough time, panic, fear, frustration, got to get it out!

Sticking two fingers down his throat, Duo threw up the ice cream, the cookies, the pasta, the brownies. He threw up the guilt, the sadness, the humiliation, the anger, threw up until the pleasant numbness swept through his body, calming his soul.

It was then that he noticed the pounding on the door.

Oh, shit.