Chapter Five: I'm not barbaric, I just care
Disclaimer: Don't own GW, and the chapter title is from "Drug Drug Drugee." by the Manic Street Preachers.
IMPORTANT: Please see last chapter's A/N, as I don't want to waste disk space by repeating it. ;
Notes: Thank you all so much for the reviews.. I'm really, really, really grateful that no one has flamed [yet], and that no one's even said anything negative about the stuff I'm writing about. Thank you for that.. I'm trying to make things a bit vague at this point so there isn't too much trigger content, but.. I guess it all can't really be avoided.
Note to ShinigamiPhoenix: You have no idea how happy your reviews made me!! Seriously, you're one of my favorite GW writers, and the way you write angst is just.. heart wrenching. Like when I read Jittery, my heart literally hurts and I can feel my skin crawling like Duo's, it's just so real. So wow, your reviews made my entire month! Heh. This chapter's for you, for inspiring me to get off my ass and write again. ; Oh yeah, and I do promise that there won't be any character death, majorly angsty ending, lol. At the very least, it will be hopeful.
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He didn't know what was going on, and this was what scared him the most. This whole night had been so confusing for the Japanese pilot.. From being awaken by Duo's clumsy footsteps on the stairs, from staring in horror as his friend ate, screamed, cried, ran, vomited. He didn't know what to do, or what to think.. Old coping skills flying back, he went into Perfect Soldier mode. Face blank, eyes glaring and focused, fist clenched and pounding on old wood, ears trained on each little noise. The sobbing, gagging, murmured half-sentences that sounded vaguely like prayers. Then finally… silence.
Bringing his fist down, Heero quickly made up his mind and placed a few good kicks right in the center of the door, breaking it quickly. The wood splintered, raining over his stony face and body as he strode into the bathroom, taking in the scene before him.
Duo lay sprawled on the ground in front of the porcelain bowl, pressing his body against the pristine white of the tiles below him. Heero shuddered involuntarily as he realized just how close a shade Duo's flesh was to the color of the toilet and floor. His friend's eyes were closed, but as Heero slowly made his way closer, two bloodshot orbs, more red now than purple, opened to gaze sadly at something Heero could not see.
"…Duo?" It was a question, a demand, and an expression of care all wrapped up into one word. One name. Upon receiving no answer, Heero drew in a deep breath, exhaling slowly to calm his frazzled nerves. He tried again, using the old, familiar technique of interrogation. "You will tell me right now what just happened."
This drew a response, though not the one he had hoped for. Duo giggled. Actually giggled. A sound Heero had been hearing far too seldom recently, but still the situation did not call for such expressions of mirth. He was beginning to wonder if maybe the American was high, or otherwise inebriated. What he didn't realize was that Duo was in fact "high". High on his body's reactions, the chemicals released during the act of purging.. High from the feeling of utter ecstasy that comes only when you fool your body of natural instincts, reverse the normal process of digestion.
Glancing at the ceiling warily, Heero muttered a few choice words before once again placing his arms around his friend's waist, propping his too-thin frame over his shoulder, and carrying him to their shared bedroom.
Lying him gently on his worn mattress, realizing with a start that Duo was out cold, Heero once again retreated into Perfect Soldier mode, checking for signs of injury or sickness. Then, finding none, moving on to pulse (erratic), eyes (dilated and bloodshot), and breathing (labored). It all confused Heero very much. Feeling guilty, as though he was taking advantage of his friend's unconscious state, the ex-pilot glanced further down the frail body, his eyes coming to rest on an abnormally swollen stomach, distended, on a too-thin frame. On a whim, Heero pressed a finger into the top of Duo's arm, leaving a definite print when he took it away. He did the same on Duo's ankle, leaving the same impression in the skin. Edema, Heero thought to himself, frowning.[1] Duo was dehydrated, all the signs were there… but from what? This is what he couldn't figure out, and he knew he would not have the answers until his friend woke up.
It was no secret that Heero Yuy was not good when it came to emotions, things involving the psyche. So it was no wonder that he didn't notice the faint white lines on Duo's wrists when he took the pulse, scars – healed now – crisscrossing every which way, nor the look of despair in his friend's eyes right before he passed out in the bathroom. Too focused was he on the physical problems, the exterior.. concentrating on the result, but not the cause.
A sudden movement from the bed caught Heero's attention, and he quickly lay a gentle hand on Duo's shoulder, pushing the American, who was trying to sit up, back down on the mattress.
"H-Heero?" The voice was hoarse and scratchy, and quickly the Japanese walked into the adjoining bathroom and came back with a tall glass of water, which Duo accepted graciously, gulping down the contents within seconds.
"Shh.. You're dehydrated," he stated simply, when Duo once again opened his mouth to speak.
After a few moments, Duo feebly tried to sit up again, and a sick feeling took over him, dread twisting in his stomach. "What happened?"
Heero fixed his friend with a hard glare, crossing his arms across his chest. "You tell me. You passed out in the bathroom. Care to explain?"
Duo gulped, the feeling of utter dread and panic expanding to fill his entire body. When he didn't continue, Heero elaborated on his findings. "Your skin is pale, stomach distended…" Duo cringed at this comment, immediately thinking, fat. "…Eyes bloodshot, pulse erratic. You're obviously dehydrated, and have been vomiting." Voice softening, he forced himself to ask gently, "Why didn't you tell anyone that you haven't been feeling well?"
Duo bristled at that last remark. Hadn't been feeling well? He had not been "feeling well" for over two years now, and now he chooses to notice? Now, only when the problems had escalated to a physical level?
Muttering darkly, Duo simply stated, "I guess I just didn't want to worry anyone," not even bothering to feel grateful that his secret was still safe.
Heero nodded slightly, eating up the lie, not noticing – or not wanting to notice – the anger flaring in his friend's eyes, nor the bitterness creeping into his tone. "There is a flu bug going around. You should be fine in a few days."
At this, Duo had to physically restrain himself from jumping up and attacking the man before him. He had no idea. And the simple statement had been enough to strengthen Duo's resolve, reassure him that he was doing the right thing, that his actions, his visits to the websites, were justified, if not downright necessary. They, the "ana's", truly were the only ones who understood. Who even bothered to listen to him when he cried, yelled, hid, complained, spoke.
"…Duo?" Feeling uneasy at his friend's abnormally quiet and dark demeanor, Heero moved closer, sitting beside Duo on the bed. Truth be told, he was worried that perhaps it was more than just a simple case of influenza, but he was doing his damnedest not to show it, not let his concern be revealed. He was sure he was just being ridiculous. Reading too much into things, looking for a problem that did not exist.
"I'm fine, Heero." Sighing, Duo sank further into his bed, curling into himself and wrapping the blankets tightly around his body. He honestly was feeling rather sick right now, and the fact that he had actually fainted scared him a bit. He just wanted to sleep. Just forget that this whole night – this whole year – had ever happened.
Nodding, the Japanese man let his concerns drift away. He stood as he realized that Duo was attempting to get some rest, and he walked across the room to shut out the light. At the same time, shutting off the dim light of reality in his mind.
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End notes: I was originally planning on making this chapter much longer, but I thought that that last line was a perfect place to end, so I decided to end here for now. Just a warning: In the next chapter, the SI [cutting] is going to come into play, so if you're uncomfortable with that, now may be a good time to stop reading.
[1] For those that don't know, edema is water weight. Very common in people who have been purging. One way to tell if a person is retaining water is by checking their arms and ankles to see if they're swollen.. That's why Heero did what he did. ;