Harry Potter: The Unauthorized Spellbook
By Kairi Taylor (who would, if he had the power, run a pretty sweet tabletop RPG campaign.)
The following story is based upon some of the events of Harry Potter & TheOrder of The Phoenix and skews them a bit for comedy, therefore are slight spoilers...so if you never had read it, tough, you had two years.
(The office of Dumbledore, Inside, Harry is seated with Dumbledore, a very aghast Cornelius Fudge & Snape, who holds a urn in his hands. He looks at Harry with a mix of dread & amazement.)
Dumbledore: Well my boy, we seem to have quite an interesting dilemma on our
hands.
Fudge: It's gone...all gone...the entire department...wiped clean...
Harry: Oh, I'm, uh, terribly sorry about that sir. I did get rid of Voldermort
though, so something positive came out.
Fudge: My career...gone, in an instant...no more scrolls to study…
Harry: Uh, sir?
Dumbledore: Don't worry, he's merely in shock. Now tell me Harry, how did you
come across these spells? They were rather...unique I must say and rather
interesting. I may decide some of them could be taught in advance classes.
Snape: Professor, may I point out that one of these spells were used to turn
one of my students into a ...well, we don't even have a classification of it yet.
Dumbledore: Duly noted. Now then Harry...
Harry: During one of the meetings we had for the D.A., Hermione brought this
book in...
(Past)
Harry: I've never seen this book before.
Hermione: It's a rare book, which hardly anyone has ever heard of. I had a
contact of mine in Diagon Alley look for it. It cost me a good bit of Galleons
to buy it.
Ron: 'The Tome of Elemental & Shamanistic Wonders'...I don't know. (Thumbs
through the book) Most of the spells don't need wands to activate them.
Luna: This one seems usefully...'Polymorph'.
Hermione: I'm sure we could use these to score high on the O.W.L.s though.
Harry: I guess we could practice some of them...
Ginny: Wait, just what does 'Ly Briem' mean?
(Back to present)
Snape: Well, that explains who turned Malfoy into a...what was it called?
Harry: A kappa.
Snape: Yes that...but what happened at the Ministry was my concern. The damage
done there was costly. Even for young wizards as yourself.
Harry: You have to understand, we were surrounded by Death Eaters and it seemed
like they were gonna kill us...and then Bellatrix tried to get to Neville...
(In the Ministry...)
Bellatrix: Ah, another Longbottom I see! Let's see if you are as tough as your
parents boy! (Goes to perform one of the forbidden curses on to Neville)
Ron: Harry! Do something!
Harry: Hang on! (Elbows Death Eater in the ribs) REFLECT!
(A magical barrier glows over Neville's body as Bellatrix casts the curse. It
reflects back at her causing her arm to bend back in a way man was not meant to.)
Bellatrix: AH! ME ARM! (a sec later...) AHHH! ME SPLEEN!
Neville: Thanks Harry!
Hermione: Look out!
Luna: FLAME ARROW!
(Several large flaming, er, arrows, strike down a few Death Eaters)
Malfoy: DAMN IT! GET THESE KIDS!
Ron: Uh, how did it go...(puts his hands togther & chants a bit.)
THUDAJA!
(Crabbe Sr is struck down by several bolts of lightning)
Ron: Wicked.
Ginny: Ron, behind you!
Ron: Uh oh!
Malfoy: I've got you now, you filthy sodding blood traitor!
Ginny: BLAST BOMB!
(Back to the present)
Dumbledore: And that explains why Snape is holding the remains of Lucius Malfoy
in this urn.
Snape: Remarkable. I was certain young Mr. Potter here was to blame for that.
Harry: She beat me to it. I was just gonna cast Demi to try to slow him down...
Fudge: Never you mind that, just tell me WHY you felt a need to destroy
everything in your wake when you took down You Know Who.
Harry: To be honest, I was trying to get to Bellatrix, but then Voldermort..
Fudge: Don't say that!
Harry: Oh hush, you silly git! Anyway, Bellatrix killed Sirius & I was
going after her...
(At the Ministry's entrance)
Bellatrix: HA! You will need more than righteous anger to use that curse,
Potter!
Harry: Right. Then how about this spell! (points hand at where Bellatrix is
hiding) Gaav Flare!
(A massive fireball completely reduces where Bellatrix was standing to ashes as she is embedded into the wall rather forcibly.)
Harry: Wow...that worked out better than I expected. (Voldermort appears)
Voldermort: Ah, Harry Potter. You seem to have learned some nice spells,
haven't you?
Harry: Hey, you try having to write scrolls in your own blood & deal with a
girl who has feelings for a dead fellow student, who, if I remember, YOU
happened to have killed!
Voldermort: Hey, that was Wormtail. You wanna throw down with him, be my guest.
The prat smells of moldy cheddar & Monterey jack! Anyway, you're in my way,
so, Avada Kadavera, bitchpants!
(The spell is bounced off of Harry)
Voldermort: What the---no WAY! That's the most powerful death curse ever, how
in the blue hell did--
Harry: Wow...that Ribbon really DOES work! (Pats his chest) Hermione's gotta
hook us up with more of these.
Luna's voice: I summon IFIRIT! (Loud explosions)
Voldermort: Ok, guess I'll just have to make this spell a bit stronger.
Harry: I won't let you. (Closes eyes & clasps hands together.) Darkness
beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows, buried in the flow of time,
in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness.
Voldermort: What in the world is he...(Dumbledore appears & sees Harry
casting the spell.)
Dumbledore: Oh shit...you on your own, sucka! (Runs like hell)
Harry: Let the fools who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I
possess -- Dragon Slave!
(Voldermort, as well as a good deal of the building is reduced to atoms. Back again to the present)
Dumbledore: A spell using the power of the now deceased Makaii Lord
Shabranigdo. Quite impressive indeed. Not that many young wizards or witches
can wield something as powerful as that
Fudge: Yes, but had it not been for that spell, we would still have a Ministry
to conduct operations.
Harry: Uh sir, you do recall that Luna, Hermione & Ginny cast several
Summon spells right after I did mine...
Fudge: Yes...Ifirit, Shiva, Knights of the Round...Dear God, why would ANYONE
cast Knights of The Round for just one wizard? Young Ms Weasely overdid it if
you ask me...
Snape: Minister, the point is that we have a bit of a dilemma on our hands.
Thanks to Mr. Potter's teaching Defense Against The Dark Arts, we have the
unique fortune of having 6 of what may possibly be the strongest wizards ever
to attend Hogwarts.
Fudge: Yes...
Snape: So I suggest you, Fudge, do what I think is best for us & follow my
lead...(drops to his hands and knees.) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
DON'T TURN ME INTO A PIG POTTER! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'M SORRY I NEVER GAVE
YOU AN 'O' IN POTIONS! I APOLOGIZE WHEN I REFERRED TO YOUR MOTHER AS A FILTHY
HALF BLOOD & ACTED LIKE A SODDING PRAT!
Fudge: So your suggestion is to beg for mercy & pray he doesn't get it into
his head he can solve any problem by Dragon Slaving me out of this mortal
coil...works for me.
(Later, as Harry & Ginny enjoy a nice romantic walk together.)
Harry: So, we stopped the Death Eaters & killed Voldermort...
Ginny: Yes...that kind of messes up the last two chapters of our lives, don't
it?
Harry: Right...so what do we do?
Ginny: I suggest sneaking off to a nice corner in Hogwarts & proceed to
snog our brains out until supper, pausing only for food, then return to said
corner & snog until morning.
Harry: Works for me! (Grabs Ginny's hands & runs off)
(A few days later, at the front of Hogwarts, Umbridge, Malfoy, Crabbe & Goyle all confront Harry, Hermione & Luna, who is non-chalantly reading The Quibbler.)
Malfoy: You're dead Potter! No one lands my father in prison.
Harry: Um, your pops is dead, sorry. You might want to talk to Ginny about that.
Malfoy: Wha—DEAD? (Smacks Goyle) You stupid git! Can't you tell the difference between being in prison & being stone dead?
Luna: Oh, it's you again…didn't the Ministry fire you for sending Dementors off to attack a student yet? Or were you too scared to confront them after being kidnapped by centaurs & having an outlaw wizard save you?
Umbridge: That's quite enough out of you young lady! You usurped my authority long enough! It's time someone taught you little brats who really wields the power.
Hermione: So, Harry, who do you want to take?
Harry: Uh, Umbridge I guess. She did scar my hand.
Hermione: Ugh, guess the two oafs are mine.
Luna: Malfoy again? Very well…I do admit, it is a nice pleasure kicking his tail.
Hermione: Yes, it is. BLIZZAGA!
(Crabbe & Goyle are frozen solid.)
Hermione: I guess we can stick them in the garden until it wears off.
Umbridge: I better take care of this! INFERIUS! (Harry swiftly dodges)
Harry: A forbidden curse again? That's twice, you know. (Raises hands & makes a seal.)
Hermione: Uh oh…
Harry: ELMEKIA LANCE!
(Umbridge is blasted high into the atmosphere, sailing towards the Whopping Willow…which belts her one & sends her face first into a boulder.)
Hermione: Well, at least she has her, er, looks.
Luna: Not saying much.
Malfoy: Alright, guess I have to do this myself…(launches a hex at the still reading Luna, who deflects it with one hand as if she was batting a fly.)
Luna: Wow, the first ever Blue Chocobo has been discovered in this small prefecture in Japan.
Hermione: Chocobos are not real, for the last time.
(A Chocobo walks by, with Dobby on top, riding as they give chase to Kreacher.)
Kreacher: Don't you believe it!
Malfoy: Grrrr….(launches several rapid fire hexes, jinxes & curses at Luna, who either dodges or deflects them, still paying no attention to him)
Harry: Wow…almost pathetic really. And to think, you are my arch rival!
Malfoy: Really, I thought I was considered 3rd tier at best! (Launches a massive hex at Luna, who teleports behind Malfoy, kneeling. Her hands are clasped together, wand at the center.)
Harry: Oh boy…you're in for it now.
Malfoy: Where the hell is she—
Luna: Prepare yourself. (Eyes glint fiercely as her arms tense up, poised to strike.)
Malfoy: Oh sh—
Luna: Konoha Villages most sacred technique….1000 YEARS OF PAIN!
(Malfoy is sent screaming into the walls of Hogwarts, head first, clutching his ass as it burns.)
Hermione: 'Sacred technique'? It looks like you stuck your wand up his bum and set it on fire!
Luna: Hey, whatever works.
And thus, the days at Hogwarts were more laid back & fun…until the day that Lavender Brown accidentally summoned Shuma Gorath into this mortal realm, but no one needs to know about that…
Dr. Strange: Darn tootin'!
Umbridge: Was that really needed?
John Constantine: Yes it was. Keep sweeping. You have 753,678 more days left on your sentence.
Umbridge: Yes'um…
Zatanna: And that, kids, is the end.