Happy Valentine's Day! I'm single…sniff…

ARGH! I spilt soda on my keyboard last night and now the space bar sticks slightly when I press it down! Grrrrrrr!

Chapter 14: AAAAAHHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S AN NC-17 SCENE! HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLP!

Starr stood proudly next to her Elf as Gandalf conversed with the crusty old dude. What was his name again?

She enjoyed the jealous looks the old hags around her were throwing her way.

Then she made a cute face of disgust when she spotted the nasty guy sitting next to the Crusty Old Dude. Gross! Did he know what shampoo was? And how bout facials! Not to mention at-home tanning…

Elladan looked up. "This goes on for about three pages. Can I skip it?"

"YES." Chorused every member of the group.

The creepy greasy guy was staring lustily at Starr's perky chest. Legolas was not too happy about that.

"Please. Even GRIMA wouldn't touch her with anything but a knife." Aragorn scoffed. Eowyn laughed lightly.

Then there was some fighting and blah, blah, blah. All the guys were too busy staring at Starr's –ahem- assets…to fight, so she was taking down a LOT of them with her kickboxing skills.

Later that night—

"WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" Pippin exclaimed.

"How could she just SKIP RIGHT OVER all that important information?" Merry asked incredulously.

Arwen sighed. "Because Sue's have no consideration for things such a PLOT DEVELOPMENT and CONSEQUENCES."

"They just like to SHAG." Gimli said suddenly.

Everyone froze and stared at him, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"Well, they do!" he insisted.

Dead. Silence.

"I'M NOT THE PERVERTED ONE! I'M NOT THE PERVERTED ONE!" Gimli yelled desperately.

Starr tossed and turned in her bed, moaning in agony.

Eyebrows UP. There they go.

Legolas, his keen hearing allowing him to hear her from next door, crept into her room. "Starr? Melamin? Are you alright?"

He reached the bed and laid a hand on her forehead.

Starr jumped. She had been having a similar nightmare as earlier, and plus, her shoulder was throbbing dully. That usually meant there was moisture in the air and it was going to rain.

"So she can predict the weather, now?" Faramir asked sweetly.

Legolas just muttered something, knowing what would come of the fictional Legolas being in Starr's room at night when she is 'vulnerable.' Honestly, he was not a lech, he wouldn't take advantage of a distraught female!

"Apparently you would." Elladan said without looking up from the book.

Legolas blushed. Whoops. Did he say that out loud?

Starr gasped softly. "I'm alright," Legolas smiled and turned to go.

Starr's hand shot out and grabbed blindly for his in the dark. He stopped and turned back to her with a questioning look.

"Don't leave me." She whispered. "I'm ready for this. It's been far too long."

"SWEET ERU NOT AGAIN!" chorused the entire room.

Elladan was already skipping over the parts that were unfit for ears to hear. But doing so, it required the poor Elf to actually READ some parts of it. Obviously he wasn't ready for this, and there was a particularly bad description.

He turned a neon green and passed out right there.

Legolas, feeling brave, peeked at the page and his eyes bugged out of his head. He collapsed right next to the other Elf.

Faramir reached for the book. "I guess I'll be taking over…" he looked unsure of himself.

Eowyn looked ready to cry. "You'll be scarred for life!" she whispered.

"I can handle it." He said gravely.

Faramir turned back to the page and all the color drained out of his face. "By the Valar, she does not need to ILLUSTRATE it."

Elrohir turned a funny pink color and then began to laugh lowly. Soon, he was rolling on the ground, laughing maniacally. Apparently our dear Elven friend had finally snapped.

Merry and Pippin lost it as well, and were soon lost to insane peals of maniac laughter.

Aragorn, not seeing what was so funny, had a half-annoyed, half-disgusted look on his face.

"This is gonna drive me to drink." Arwen muttered.

"It hasn't yet?" Eowyn asked, ignoring the hysterical hobbits and Elf rolling on the floor. "Give it time."

Starr lay in Legolas's strong arms as the rain streamed down outside. It was a light spring rain, so the windows of the room were open. A cool breeze blew in, cooling the warm bodies beneath the sheets.

"I love you…" Legolas said lovingly.

"And then he lovingly kissed her with all the love one could muster to love a person who loves to use the word 'love' to describe every single loving moment as if there were no synonyms for the word love." Elladan said as he came to in time to hear that last bit.

"Hannon le…I love you to, pumpkin."

"Because big orange vegetables are soooo sexhay," Elrohir stopped laughing long enough to express his opinion before succumbing to the laughter again.

"This is getting ridiculous." Aragorn sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Just now you realize this?" Legolas asked, waking up as well.

The laughter of Elrohir, Merry, and Pippin was slowly dying down, their faces tomato red and tears of mirth rolling down their cheeks. Which is enough to make anyone else laugh, so everyone was busy NOT looking at them. There was nothing funny to laugh about in the story, but seeing an Elf lose his composure like that…

This group of readers obviously needs some time to get a hold of themselves and maybe go to therapy, so…

To Be Continued…

A/N: Well, next chapter, our characters will have composed themselves.

Hopefully.