Chapter Twelve: We Promote All Sickness and Disease
A/N: Wow, so this is the chapter when everything starts to come together. Or.. more accurately, fall apart. This is The chapter, the one I've been looking forward to writing so much! The next chapter will be intense, and therefore SO MUCH fun for me to write!! -sigh- I thrive on the drama. I'm so sad that this will be ending soon, but I've already got an idea for a possible sequel. Hm.. Well, let me know what you think about that one, because I haven't decided yet. o.O
Dedication: Uh, this chapter is dedicated to (as much as I hate to say it) Melissa. Because my 6th month No Cutting anniversary is October 4th, and if we hadn't had that major fight, I wouldn't have done what I did, and thus, would still be cutting today. But, no. She had to take that from me too! -sigh-
More notes: So I was incredibly overwhelmed after getting so many reviews for that last chapter, and I wanted to thank everyone individually for encouraging me to keep going with this. I know I say this in, like, every chapter, but it means a lot to me. So, here are some most-likely-very-annoying "thank you"'s..
blood-poisoning: Aw, Jessi, your review almost made me cry. There's so much that I want to say in response, but it would take pages and pages to get it all out (because I can never write anything short of a novel when I talk to you! ;P).. and then there's some stuff that I don't want to write for everyone else to read. But I know and agree with everything you're saying, and feel the same way. Just.. every word of it, it mirrors the thoughts in my mind exactly. And I do understand, and I'm glad that you'd feel ok telling me, and I feel the same way about you. I hope that things are going better for you now.. You haven't updated LJ in a while, so I'm a little worried. If you ever want to talk somewhere other than here, my e-mail is in my profile (I'd put it here, but ffnet would eat it :/)
Tingel: Thanks so much, I'm glad you like it! The reason I stopped posting on the GW ML was because no one ever really responded, so I thought I was just annoying everyone. :/ But I'm glad that at least one person on the list liked it. Thanks again for the compliments.
Chamaeleon: Eee, you're the best! You bought a MSP CD because of me? YES! I've claimed another victim. (my mission in life: infect all people – especially Americans – with my insanity, turning them all into crazy MSP fanatics like myself) Yup, and it's even in my bio. ;P Oh, and thank you for your review.. I'm glad you think I'm doing a good job with writing Duo "real", because I'm always worried that I'm writing him so OOC.
starlit gossamer: Wow, there are so many things to say/answer here! Firstly, THANK YOU for taking the time to review all those chapters – you made my entire month! Now, to answer your questions..
1. When I first wrote the 40 lb. weight loss thing, I thought the same thing, I only kept it because I'd made a mistake in previous chapters and it would have been too much work to go back and change all those things. But a few weeks ago, I realized it's actually possible if your metabolism is messed up from the ED. For some people, if you don't eat a thing for three or four days, you can lose weight pretty damn quickly (like 10 pounds a week). But then gain it all back, and more, if you eat even the smallest thing, like a handful of crackers. So if Duo had been fasting, or doing hardcore restricting – which he was – at the time, it would've been possible because of his metabolism.
2. Yup, I'm most definitely positive about the white scars. When they're older, I think that's when they turn white if they were deep enough. But it takes a while. Some of mine from about 6 months ago and longer are still pinkish, but most are white by now.
3. You should definitely check out the Manics!! They're so wonderful. Their lead guitarist (who didn't actually play much guitar..) was a cutter and borderline anorexic (among other things), so a lot of their lyrics are about that. And they sing about stuff that actually means something.. like abortion, and transgender, and the death penalty. They're different and cool, and everyone reading this should go check them out! (especially their earlier stuff, because it's better :X)
ShinigamiPhoenix: I'm always so happy when I get a review from you, because your story is one of my favorites! So your opinion means a lot to me, and I'm glad you like my story so far. :) Thanks so much for taking the time to leave such thought-out reviews, I always love reading your comments!
pUnK-RoCk's Sk8ter chic: Wow, tied for 1st? I'm honored! ;P And I agree with what you said about Duo, I feel the same way. Well, I guess that's why I wrote him that way, because I can relate. I think so many "Duo's" would be a lot better off if people stopped trying to force them into recovery. It doesn't do anything but push them further away, making them hide even more. But more thoughts on that in later chapters. :)
Dragen Eyez: Yes, I've been told, but I'd rather say "I suck" then say "I'm brilliant" when the writing is absolute shit. And since I can never tell if it is... -shrugs- But your reviews always give me a much-needed confidence boost, so thank you for that! I always smile when I get a review/e-mail from you.
Seven7: Thanks for the compliments! I love the Duo angst too, I don't even think that it's possible for me to even write anything different, lol.
It was a chilly night, just a week after New Year's, when Heero woke late at night to the soft tapping of fingers flying rapidly across a keyboard. He recognized the sound all too well, and for a moment he felt anger flare within him as the realization that someone was touching his laptop hit. His first reaction was to reach for the gun still hidden underneath his pillow, but before he could do so, reason and clarity flowed through his mind, and he simply lay in his bed with his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. He realized that Duo must have a reason – a good reason – to be using his laptop without permission, and in the middle of the night no less.
Or at least, he'd better, Heero thought to himself, scowling even as he evened his breathing under the pretense of sleep.
As he let the quiet tapping lull him back to sleep, Heero let his mind drift, thinking back to the day he and Duo had moved in. The American had been so different since then. So subdued, so quiet... so unlike the Duo he'd known years ago. Even in the first few days after the war ended, Heero had noticed a difference. But it had been so slight, so small, that he almost thought he'd imagined it. And he almost convinced himself that he had, but then those small things began to grow, became more and more obvious, and now Heero knew he could no longer ignore them. Afraid that if he did, the Duo he had once known would be lost forever inside the shell of a person he was living with now. The thought of that scared him even more than the dangers of emotion and attachment did, and it was this thought that finally convinced Heero that he had to make a move.
Tomorrow, he thought as he felt himself begin to drift. It can wait until tomorrow.
The smell of bacon wafting in through the open door was what pulled Duo from sleep the next morning. Wrinkling his nose in distaste – bacon is disgusting and you don't like it, you won't eat it, it's not worth it – he yanked the covers over his head, pretending not to notice when Heero walked into the room to tell him that breakfast was ready.
"Duo, get up, I know you're awake," Heero sighed.
When there was no sound from beneath the sheets, Heero's already fragile temper snapped, and he grabbed the lump on the bed, blankets and all, carrying it into the kitchen and depositing Duo in a chair.
"What the hell?!" Duo exclaimed, and Heero smiled because, at this point, anger - even fury - was better than no emotion at all.
"I told you that breakfast was ready," he replied shortly, placing a full dish of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of Duo, who only shoved it away.
"And I didn't answer because I'm not hungry," Duo snapped, narrowing his eyes at Heero.
"That's never stopped you before," Heero responded coolly, taking the plate and again placing it in front of Duo.
Feeling tears prick at the corners of his eyes, Duo stared down at his breakfast through blurred vision. "Yeah, well maybe I'm not the same person I was before," he stated, voice barely above a whisper. Then, resolve strengthening, standing to place the dish on the counter.
"Duo, stop acting like a child!" Heero growled, his patience all but gone. "I'm sick of this! You're 18, now act it! You're eating breakfast, and you're eating now, because I refuse to play these games anymore!" And with that, Heero stormed out of the room, leaving Duo sitting wide-eyed at the table, shocked at his friend's sudden outburst.
Slamming the door to his room shut, Heero took a deep breath before opening his laptop and pushing the power button. Talking to Duo was obviously out of the question this morning, and so there was only one way to see what his friend had been doing last night on his computer. When the machine booted up, Heero brought up the history log, surprised when he found a long list of files dating back to as long as three weeks ago. He was more surprised that Duo had been forgetting to clear the log, than of the fact that the American had been sneaking onto his laptop for so long without him knowing.
Pushing the anger aside in favor of curiosity, Heero clicked on the most recent files, his eyes widening when he saw the names of the websites Duo had been visiting. He was even more horrified when he saw how long this apparent problem had been going on.
"Shit," Heero breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper.
Taking a look at the history of the week before, Heero felt his stomach lurch as the same sites were listed again and again. But, still refusing to believe that Duo could be doing something as dangerous and stupid(1) as... as that, Heero let the cursor hover over one of the links for a few seconds, scared to click it and have his fears confirmed, scared to walk away and let Duo kill himself. Finally, he made a decision, and as the website opened, Heero closed his eyes, needing a few more moments of ignorance before facing a truth he did not want to believe.
The title at the top of the page made Heero feel physically ill when he finally did open his eyes: "Ana is a lifestyle, not a disease!"(2)
A sudden noise in the kitchen drew Heero out of his shock, and he quickly shut down the machine, closing the top just as Duo walked into the bedroom.
Casting a worried glance at his friend standing by the laptop, Duo cleared his throat. "I, uh, finished breakfast."
Heero's mind flew with questions, threats, statements, but none of them made it past his lips. He could only stare at Duo. Stare at him in surprise, anger, guilt, concern, horror. For once, Heero's face was a contortion of different emotions, and Duo, who could read each one clearly, was beginning to feel uneasy under his intense gaze.
"It, uh.. It was good, Heero, thanks. Do you want me to do the dishes? It's only fair, you know, you cooked breakfast, I should wash the dishes, and there aren't too many, only the frying pan, a couple plates and some silverware... So, uh, I'll go get started on that, ok pal? And you can just, you know, do whatever it is you do, and.. yeah, I'm gonna go start on that," Duo stammered. He knew he was rambling, as he always did when he was nervous, so he stopped himself and practically ran out of the room before Heero had a chance to say anything in return.
Breakfast. Heero replayed the word in his mind, desperately trying to focus on just one train of thought. How long had it been since he had actually seen Duo eat a meal? After that first day, he had assumed that everything was fine.. After all, Duo had eaten those sandwiches, and he hadn't seemed to have any problem with it...
Looking back though, there had been a... what he could only call frantic look in those violet eyes. A scared, almost panicked expression that Heero cursed himself for not noticing at the time. And how many times had Duo worn that same expression over the past few months? So many times, through so many meals. And through it all, Heero had only shown anger. Had only thought of Duo as stubborn, acting like a child only to drive him crazy. After the cutting had stopped – though, had it? he hadn't checked in awhile – Heero assumed that the worst was over. No more cuts meant no more problems, right? He never thought that there might be another behavior that took the place of that razor.
All the signs were there.. everything was right there under his nose – the rapid weight loss and subsequent fluctuations of weight over the months, that mysterious illness that never seemed to go away, the locks of golden chestnut hair he found in the shower drain night after night – and Heero had overlooked it all, turning the other cheek and pretending he'd never noticed in the first place. As hard as he tried to be angry at Duo, he just couldn't seem to summon up that particular emotion. He only felt drained. Drained, and so damned guilty.
But, ever the Perfect Soldier, Heero turned away from those troublesome emotions, focusing instead on forming a battle plan, a course of action. He would throw himself into this mission as he did all his others. He would fight this war in the same manner he fought in the ones previous. The only problem was, the part he was playing, the old and tired role of the Perfect Soldier, wouldn't allow him to deal with the emotional side of this new dilemma – and the emotional side was the one that needed to be dealt with. Was, in fact, the one he would need to "battle" in order to win this "war". But it was too early for that, and you can only fight with weapons you already posses. So, pushing away the confusing feelings in his heart, Heero sat down at his desk to plan out what his next actions would be in his mind.
Throughout the entire day, Duo felt as though he were a specimen under a microscope, with the way Heero kept studying him and watching his every move. His old joker's mask was too out-of-use to combat Heero's cold death glares. When he finally climbed into bed for the night, Duo pulled both the blanket and sheets over his head in a vain attempt to shield himself from Heero's piercing gaze.
It was a long while before the American fell asleep, as malnutrition was beginning to set in and sleep was now something of a luxury. But when his eyes finally closed, his body tossing and turning but nonetheless unconscious, Heero snuck out of his own bed to boot up the laptop and set Phase 1 of his plan into action.
Checking once more to make sure that Duo was asleep, Heero opened the internet and typed in the address of a site he knew Duo visited frequently. As the page loaded, Heero had to scowl at the title. It was beyond him how anyone could think that something like anorexia was beautiful, or glamorous, or cool(3). Looking away, he glanced down at his wristwatch and noted the time: 1:30 on the dot. Good. In an hour, he knew, Duo would wake up to use the computer. And this time, Heero would not pretend to sleep through it, nor would he avoid the confrontation he knew had to happen, putting it off for a tomorrow that would never come. A tomorrow that was always conveniently a day away.
A soft stirring in Duo's bed caused Heero to freeze where he was, but the American merely shifted in his sleep before falling still again. Sighing in relief, Heero quickly slipped out of the computer chair and into his bed, where he lay quietly and waited for what he knew would happen when Duo awoke.
It happened like clockwork, night after night. Duo's body, trained now to thrive on deprivation of both food and sleep, rose from slumber, stumbled into the bathroom where he had to grab the sink to keep from falling over, and drank a large glass of water to prevent his stomach from growling. He didn't know, yet, that this night would be very different from the many others he'd spent in much the same way.
Lifting his head so he could look into the mirror, Duo felt a sob rising in his throat, but he was able to choke it back. His eyes were more red now than violet, and underneath were large, black circles that no amount of makeup could ever cover up. His cheeks were hollow and sunken in, his lips thin and dry. He raised a near-skeletal hand to the top of his head, attempting to spread out the now-thin layer of hair to cover the emerging bald spots, but it was useless. Tears sprung to his eyes as Duo tore his gaze away from the hateful person he saw in front of him, and once again he was convinced that what he was doing was right. He was such an ugly person, he couldn't even stand to look at himself, he didn't know how Heero could bear the sight. Such an ugly person, both inside and out, so what did he have other than his body? It was all he had to work with. Other people had no need to diet, and this is what he told his online friends on a regular basis. They were all pretty, or if not that, talented. "Good" in so many ways. But all Duo had was his body, and so he would perfect this the way other people worked on their appearance and talents. The way Wufei practiced his martial arts, the way Heero focused on and obsessed over his work. Duo would be thin, because it was simply all that he had.
Sighing, Duo quickly turned away from the mirror and snuck out of the bathroom, over to the desk in the corner of the room. He was just about to boot up the laptop when he noticed something strange. The neon green light above the power button was glowing brightly, ominously, in the otherwise dark room, and Duo was sure that it had been turned off when he went to sleep. And Heero would never leave it on. So that meant...
Duo quickly opened the laptop and moved his finger along the touchpad, his breath catching when the screen lit up, displaying his favorite pro ana site. Unable to even draw in enough air to breathe, Duo spun around in his chair, flinching visibly when he was met with two furious, desperate, and concerned cobalt eyes. The owner was sitting up stiffly in bed, arms folded across his chest, body language and expression demanding an explanation – now.
End notes: Heh. Evil authoress, right? I tried to do a good job with this one since it was sort of an important chapter, but I don't know if I succeeded very well. Well, I hope it was enjoyable anyway. :)
1.) No offense! Heero's thoughts, not mine. :X
2.) Uh.. I don't agree with that one. But, I guess some people do, so please no negative comments on it!
3.) -points to 1-