Disclaimer: The lyrics are from "Love Is Broken," in the episode Twin.

Chapter Six

It was as though the entire universe had shifted. I sat on my front porch and watched the sunset—I watched the pink, red, orange, yellow, and purple swirl into one another and then fade away into the dark night. I had never felt so at peace with the world as I did at that moment. It was as if the entire universe was putting on a special show just for me to enjoy. I woke up early the following morning and watched the spectacle in reverse as the sun rose and greeted me with what I hoped would be another beautiful day.

All this because Irene and I were friends again. I hated feeling such resent and hatred for her over the past four years—and now it was gone. A giant weight had been lifted.

For the next week, I ate dinner at the Bells' house every night. I accompanied Irene and Ned to Denver to see Charlotte's show, and celebrated with them afterwards when they discovered that they had the green light for Los Angeles. I drove them to the airport the following week and hugged them before they boarded the plane.

I began calling Fi and Jack daily. They came over one afternoon and we spent the entire day enjoying each other's company. Fi was living in an apartment with some friends in Boulder, where she went to school, and working at a day-care center five days a week. Jack was living in Denver and working as a photographer for the Denver Post. We went out for dinner, came home and watched old videos from the tour. I thought it would pain me to see the old footage, but it just made me happier. I thought seeing his face on the screen would send me hurling into another manic-depressive relapse, but it didn't. When he smiled, I smiled back.

Walking down the sidewalk

In New York City snow…

It was my performance from Greg Kincaid's talk show. "That was some night," Jack said softly. Fi's eyes remained transfixed in the screen. She didn't say anything. And suddenly now all I could think about was New York City. It had been nearly two weeks since Irene and I had our first real conversation. "Carey's doing really well in New York," she had said. I tried to picture him in my mind, that serious-musician look on his face as he strummed his guitar, rapidly allowing himself to become completely immersed in the music until the song was over, and then he'd show the audience—a small group of passersby—a small but unshy smile. I imagined the crowds of people flooding through the station, carrying their suitcases, all coming from or going to different places. I imagined him on the train ride home with his arm wrapped around his guitar case, which was leaning against the empty seat beside him, and a satisfactory smile on his face. I felt so close to him now—I wanted to reach out—I wanted to be there—

"Mom!" I was jolted back to reality.

"What, what?" I asked quickly, looking back and forth from Jack to Fi, who were both staring at me. Fi's hand was on my shoulder.

"We've been trying to get your attention for the last ten seconds or so," Jack said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just…"

"Spacing out?" Fi suggested helpfully.

"…getting lost in some old memories," I finished.

"Well, we were just going to say that it's getting late and it's about time for us to head back," Jack told me.

"But we really want to do this again," Fi added.

"So do I," I said. I walked them to the door and gave them each a hug and kiss goodbye.

"It's good to see you, Mom," Jack whispered in my ear as I hugged him. "You seem happy. I'm so glad."

"I am happy," I whispered back. I stood in the doorway and watched as they drove off, until I could no longer make out their cars' taillights. Inside again, I sat back down on the sofa. Another concert was playing, and the camera focused on Carey for a brief moment. It was all coming together for me now. I wanted to be there.

Without hesitating for a moment to consider the consequences of the action I was about to take, I walked over to my computer desk and sat down. The computer was a gift from Fi two Christmases ago. She said it was time for me to join everyone else in the 21st century—but still I rarely used it. I knew how to turn it on and how to access the internet, but not much else. Thankfully, that was all I needed to know right now.

I began searching flights from Denver to New York. July 31st to August 4th. It was Thursday now, and the 31st was this Sunday. A five-day trip—that wouldn't be too bad. I could stay with Rachel. I'd see Carey and… we'd finally have closure, once and for all. That's all I wanted: closure. We could end what we started four years ago, and maybe even go back to the way things were before that, when he was nothing more than my guitarist and my children's best friend… and my friend, too. I had Irene, Ned, Jack, and Fi back in my life—all I needed now was him.

My heart sank when I saw the ticket prices and flight times. It would cost $326.90 if I left on Sunday at 11:55 p.m., and I'd arrive in Newark at 5:38 a.m. Monday morning. A late-night flight didn't appeal to me at all, especially with the time difference, and I'd be losing valuable hours of sleep. The return flight was to leave Newark at 7:25 a.m. Thursday morning and arrive in Denver at 9:41 a.m. That didn't sound like much of a trip: only three full days. If I wanted more reasonable times, it could cost anywhere between $465.90 and $871.90, and then I'd have to spend even more money on taxis and buses and trains… I just didn't have that kind of money to spend. Feeling discouraged, I sank into my chair and clicked out of the screen. So much for that.

But then, suddenly, a new idea began forming in my mind. "He plays at Penn Station… right around the waiting areas for the Long Island Rail Road and Amtrak and New Jersey Transit," Irene had said. How badly do I want this? I wondered. I could be making a huge mistake. But so what if I did? I had battled back from every previous mistake I had ever made. If this turned out badly, I was pretty sure I could overcome it as well.

"Amtrak," I whispered aloud. Of course. It would no doubt be cheaper than flying. No hassles of baggage claim and no chance of overbooking. I wouldn't have to pay for any cabs or trains or buses, because I could go directly to Penn Station. Feeling something—maybe nervousness?—I went to Amtrak's website and began searching for schedules and prices.

I could leave Denver on Friday at 7:25 p.m. and arrive in Chicago on Saturday at 3:20 p.m. to transfer trains. I'd arrive in New York on Sunday the 31st at 3:25 p.m. Smack in the middle of the afternoon. That would give me plenty of time to get settled in at Rachel's—perhaps even see Carey that same day. The return trip meant I would leave New York on Thursday, August 4th at 3:50 p.m., transfer in Chicago, and return to Denver on Saturday at 7:30 a.m. So the trip would be slightly longer than I hoped, and the traveling was pretty horrendous. But the times were perfect. Sunday to Thursday, just like I wanted—arriving and leaving in the middle of the afternoon. I was used to sleeping on buses, so sleeping on the train would be a snap.

The whole trip cost $428. That was a bit pricier than I expected, but nonetheless cheaper than flying. I had the money. I had the time. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine taking my first step off the train and onto the Penn Station platform. I imagined walking through the station, assuming the New York attitude, rolling my suitcase alongside the hundred and thousands of travelers from around the country. I would keep walking, and soon enough, I'd hear music, a familiar plucking of guitar strings, and there he would be…

I opened my eyes. Now or never. I entered my credit card information and ordered the tickets, not once pausing or slowing down, because I couldn't allow myself to start second-guessing. I didn't want to change my mind.

"Thank you for your order!" Those were the bold-faced words on the screen. "You can pick up your tickets at any one of the station's ticket windows. Have a nice trip!"

I had really done it. Friday, July 29th, at 7:25 p.m., I would be on my way to New York City.

Friday was tomorrow.

I shut down the computer and went upstairs to get a good night's sleep before my big day. I had phone calls to make, suitcases to pack, trains to catch, and hearts to heal.