Nick's stomach was really starting to hurt now. He stopped and dropped on to the pine needle covered ground, clutching his stomach. He'd been walking for hours, and still no sign of reception. Certainly no sign of food.
"Ryaaaaaaan," he cried, half ready to give in and start back towards the town. Maybe by now (according to his phone, it was almost eleven; it was certainly well after dark) Alejandro would have figured out a way out of the town. But then, maybe he'd figured it out and already left.
But they wouldn't leave without him, right? He groaned again and stared up at the trees and bushes above him. He really hoped someone was looking for him, because now that it was dark and he'd walked god only knew how far, he really wasn't quite sure how to get back to town. He wasn't even entirely sure which direction he'd been walking. Everything was so creepy after dark…
The moonlight broke through the trees and illuminated a nearby bush. He sat up and stared at it.
The bush had little red berries growing on it. Berries!
Eating might give him some of his resolve back, he decided. He'd come so far, surely there had to be reception somewhere. He'd just have a little snack (what could be better than fresh wild berries?) and be on his way.
So Nick forced himself to his feet, picked a handful of berries, and ate them greedily. They were good, nice and juicy, though he didn't recognize the flavor. He figured they were blackberries or something, he never was sure which kind of wild berry was which.
Richard had regained his sense of balance, but not really his common sense. That always seemed to be the first to go and the last to come back. But at least he was enjoying himself: he and Bobby Jo were kissing, while Billy had her arms around his waist and was licking his neck.
Maybe this town wasn't so bad.
He turned around and pulled Billy into a kiss. Bobby Jo sulked a little bit, but began unbuttoning his shirt. He didn't object to that, either, and was happy to begin returning the favor.
Except the door to the house banged open loudly and both girls pulled away. Richard blinked blearily, suddenly cold, his shirt hanging open. "Whazzah?" he asked.
"My brother!" Bobby Jo hissed.
Richard was confused. "Your brother was here before," he said. "He was this big." He held his hand about three feet off the floor.
"Not that brother," Bobby Jo said. "My big brother."
"Oh." That sounded ominous.
"Could be worse," Billy said. "At least it's not my brothers."
Richard groaned a little bit.
"Bobby Jo?" the brother called. "I seen the light on, I know you're home!"
"In the kitchen!" she called, and shoved Richard. "Hide, quick!"
"Where?" he asked, looking around desperately.
"Under the table!"
He stared at her, but she didn't seem to be joking. The table was small and square, and difficult to hide under because it lacked the useful cover of a tablecloth. But, unless he wanted to hide in the refrigerator, it seemed like the only place to get any cover at all.
So Richard ducked under the coffee table, tucked his legs under him, and waited. The kitchen door swung open.
"There's strangers in town," he said. "City boys. You better be careful, girl."
"I'm being careful," she answered. "I didn't even go out, look. I'm right here."
"Sure are," he said suspiciously. "Billy, your brothers are looking for you. They said they're worried you went off with one of them boys again."
"Well I didn't, I'm right here," she answered.
"So you are," he said. "So I guess they got nothing to worry about. You know how your brothers get when any boy lays a hand on you."
Richard swallowed hard.
"No one's laid a hand on me," she said. "I been here all night!"
"I can see that," he said. "But I still got one question."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Who's that under the table?"
A very buxom woman named Tess grabbed both of CJ's hands and pulled him in a roughly square shaped pattern. He'd never been square dancing before, but he was fairly good at picking up on how it was done; after all, he'd spent the last few years of his life dancing, and this was relatively simple.
"Now you're getting the hang of it!" she said encouragingly.
"I think so!" he answered, wondering if maybe after he finished learning, she'd let him lead for awhile.
"So the boys say you're from California!" she said enthusiastically. "That's a whole country away!"
"Yeah!" he answered. "I live in New York now, though. The city, I mean."
"Well, I just about figured!" she answered. "You're not bad for a city guy, though." She twirled him around and he was able to get a glimpse of Tom and Luke.
They had both been dragged on to the dance floor by aggressive seeming little girls, and despite the disgusted faces they were making, neither one seemed either unhappy or surprised. No wonder they were trying to build a fort where no girls would be allowed.
"You married, CJ?" she asked, and he stopped dancing abruptly.
"Yeah," he said. "I am… I was supposed to take my wife out for dinner, but the bus broke down. I've been so busy I haven't called or anything…" He remembered the lack of cell phone reception and added, "Is there a phone I can use somewhere?"
"Sure!" she said. "Tom! Luke!"
The two boys were more than happy to pull away from their dance partners. "Ught, girls," Tom said.
One of the girls blew him a kiss and he made a face.
"Boys, you take your friend to the school phone and let him call whoever he needs to," she said, and winked at CJ. "I run the school myself pretty much, so don't worry about it. Just dial one before anything long distance, and there you go."
"Oh, thank you so much," he said. "I'll be back soon!"
"You'd better! You ain't learned the rest of the steps yet!"
He followed Tom and Luke back outside. The dance was being held in a small gymnasium, which was right next to a larger building which he assumed to be the school. "So, were those girls your dates?" he asked.
"I don't date no girls," Tom said.
"Me neither," Luke added.
"They just make us dance with 'em," Tom explained. "I'm glad to get away, though. 'Cause last time we danced, Sarah kissed me right on the cheek in front of everyone."
"That's awful," CJ agreed, as they entered the school. He was a little bit surprised it hadn't been locked, but then again, he doubted anyone was likely to break into it. The boys took him into a small administrative office, and there was a phone sitting on one of the desks.
He dialed the number for his and Alison's apartment apprehensively, feeling guilty that he hadn't called before. It rang several times, and he counted five, then the answering machine picked up.
"Alison?" he asked. "It's me, CJ. I'm sorry I'm not home, our bus broke down. I'm in this awesome small town, but I don't know where it is. It's called Freshmeadow. Anyway, Alejandro's working on finding a way to get us out of here, so I don't know when I'll be back, but I'll call again as soon as I've got some information.
"I'm really really sorry about missing our dinner and I miss you. I hope you're having a nice night, I'll see you soon. Okay? I love you. See you soon. Bye."
"Love?" Tom repeated, as he hung up. "Ewww. That's girl stuff."
"Yeah, I guess," CJ said. "But some girls aren't so bad."
"Ewww," Tom said again.
Richard stared up the leg of a very large, very angry man.
"Um, hello?" he said. "I was just… tying up Billy Jo's boot."
"That's Bobby Jo," she said.
"Yeah, Bobby Jo," he repeated.
"Uh huh." The brother crossed his arms, and Richard scrambled to his feet.
"Really! I'm from out of town, see—"
"Yeah, I can tell," the brother interrupted. "And we don't take kindly to out of town boys trying to canoodle with our sisters around here."
"Canoodle?" Richard repeated, then, "I wasn't! I was just tying her shoe! Uh…" He backed away from the brother as quickly as he could, wishing he could get closer to the door. But the only way out the door was through the brother. And he doubted that was going to happen.
"Frank!" Bobby Jo yelled angrily. "You're scaring him!"
"Good. That ain't half of how scared he's gonna be when Bob and Joe and Rick get to him."
"Bob and Joe and Rick?" Richard repeated weakly.
"My brothers," Billy said. "They get kinda defensive whenever I go out with a boy."
"Defensive how?" Richard asked. "Defensive, like, I should be running away defensive?"
"Might be a good idea," she said.
"But they're right outside," Frank said ominously, and reached forward. He grabbed Richard by the collar of his still unbuttoned shirt. "Come on. City boy."
Richard groaned weakly.
Nick stared up at the moon, and the moon stared down at Nick. He didn't recall the moon ever having large, saucer shaped eyes and a disapproving frown before, but he'd also never seen it so clearly, what with the light pollution in the city and all.
Nearby, some large variety of predator howled at the moon. He resisted the urge to howl with it.
Dawn broke through the jail cell window, and Alejandro was awake to see it. He'd tossed and turned all night on the rock hard mattress, hardly able to believe that he was actually spending an entire night in jail. He was also a little worried about Chris, whom he hadn't seen or heard from since the screaming started the previous night. And no judge had turned up, so he could only assume that he'd put too much faith in Chris's abilities, or that Chris had been torn limb from limb by a group of overenthusiastic, ravenous teenage girls.
Or both.
"So, Annie!" he called loudly. "What does a guy have to do to get some breakfast and a book to read around here!"
Annie walked in, looking irritatingly wide awake and cheerful for so early in the morning. "Well, sugar, I can bring you breakfast in just a couple of minutes," she promised. "As for that book, though, I don't think that's allowed."
"Why not, dare I ask?" he demanded.
"Well, the whole point of jail is to sit there and think about what you done," she said. "Not to relax and catch up on your reading."
Alejandro cleared his throat. "I crossed the road," he said. "That was the extent of my wrongdoing. Now, for the love of god, would you please get me something to eat and something to read, and I'll consider maybe not suing the county for racism and wrongful arrest when I do get out of here?"
"Well, if you're going to be grumpy about it, I don't see why I should," she answered.
"Did you miss the part about the lawsuit for racism and wrongful arrest?"
"Fine," she said, exasperated. "I know you're frustrated, but you city boys have the worst manners." She stalked back out to the front of the Sheriff's office.
He rolled his eyes.
"Oh, look here, you got a visitor!" she called from out front, and opened the jail door.
Chris stumbled in, eyes wide and looking very disheveled. His glasses were bent, his hair was knotted and messy, and his clothing was torn to pieces. He had on what looked like the remainder of his undershirt and a tattered scrap of cloth that had once been pants, and only one sock.
"I take it you met your fans?" Alejandro asked him.
Chris nodded weakly. "Can I come in there with you?" he asked. "I think it might be safer."
"Aww, baby," Alejandro said, his mood improving now that he knew he wasn't the only one who'd been miserable all night. And Chris did look pretty cute, all fragile and torn up. "Where did you spend the night?"
"In a tree," he said. "I hid in it to get away from them, and could see all the girls surround the hotel so I couldn't go back there. And I thought one of them might spot me if I got down. And I was afraid there might be wolves or something out at night. I could hear them."
"Wolves?" Alejandro repeated.
"Only up in the hills," Annie said, coming in with two steaming styrafoam coffee cups. She handed one to Chris and slipped one between the bars to give to Alejandro. "They don't come into town no more, on account of us shooting them when they do. They eat cows when they can get away with it. We don't like that."
"I see," Alejandro sighed. "So, Chris… I take it no word on a judge?"
"I was scared to climb down from the tree," he said.
"And no call to Denton or Mrs. Alcott?"
"Tree," Chris said again.
"Okay. So… we're still stranded, no one knows where we are, and I'm in jail. Have you seen Nick or Rich or CJ?"
"Not since we split up yesterday," Chris said. "I think Richard might have limped back to the hotel, but it was hard to tell from in the tree."
"And CJ and Nick?"
"No clue," Chris said miserably.
Alejandro took a deep breath, inhaling the steam from his coffee. He tried to take stock of the situation again, but it still hadn't changed. He was still in jail indefinitely, Chris was still useless at getting them out (though he didn't mean that maliciously, especially not when Chris looked so miserable as he sat outside the cell and drank his coffee). Richard, if he'd made it back to the hotel at all, had been limping. And he had no idea where CJ or Nick were, and no way to find out.
And no one knew where they were. He just hoped someone realized they were missing.
"Denton! Thank god! Oh my god!"
"Who is this?" Denton asked groggily.
"Ryan. Have you seen Nick!"
"What?" Denton asked, glancing at a clock. It was six in the morning. "Ryan, do you know what time it is?"
"It's been twenty hours since I last heard my darling's voice," he said. "They disappeared."
"Call me back during business hours, okay? I—"
"Mr. Denton, the V-Tones were kidnapped!"
Denton sat up. "What are you talking about? This is their weekend off, I'm surprised Nick's not with you."
"He's supposed to be with me, but he never showed up! None of them did! Don't you know where they are! Please say you know where they are…"
"I have no idea," Denton mumbled.
"Oh my god, they're dead, aren't they?"
"I doubt they're dead, I'm sure they're fine," Denton said. "I'll call around and see what happened. I'm sure they just missed a flight or—"
"Mr. Denton, don't you think Nicky would call me if he missed his flight!"
"Well… yes, probably, but he could have forgotten… or… I'll look into it," Denton said.
"And none of them are answering their phones! I've tried them all! I've tried them all all night and none of them answered even once. I think they're dead. Oh, Nicky, you were so young… And beautiful…"
Denton could feel the migraine starting at the back of his skull. "I'll look into it," he said again.
Nick woke up, cold and frightened and sick. The very first thing he did was crawl over to a tree and hurl. Whatever was in his stomach, he wanted it to be out very badly.
He thought back on the previous night, but didn't remember any of it clearly. He had vague memories of Ryan, though. Ryan had been there!
He looked around, but he was alone. He frowned and thought harder.
Ryan had definitely been there, but he'd been… different. Fuzzier than normal. And he'd had antlers, and had run away on all fours when Nick had tried to kiss him.
Oh.
Or maybe that had been a moose.
Nick frowned.
Richard's head was pounding when he woke. Either that, or someone was pounding on the door. Or both.
Definitely, he decided after a minute, both.
He sat up and looked at himself in the mirror. Half of his face was black and blue. He winced at the memory and limped towards the bathroom to shower, and figure out where else he might be bruised. Because he'd definitely been kicked pretty hard in a few delicate areas. And he was pretty sure his ankle was sprained, but that could have been from the running he'd been doing to try and get away from the angry older brothers who had been beating him up.
Of course, getting in had been a challenge. The ring of screaming girls had protected him from the brothers who were chasing him, but they had made it rather tough to get to the door, and he hoped he hadn't injured anyone when he slammed it shut. He was half afraid someone would break it down, but they hadn't; though now, with dawn having broken, he was afraid whoever was pounding on it might.
He turned on the shower and let it run, hoping (though not very much) that it would heat up if he gave it a few minutes. He limped back to the main room and glanced out the window. The girls were gone, but the brothers remained, and one of them was pounding on his door.
"Open up!" he yelled, seeing Richard at the window.
"Uh, no!" Richard called back. "Sorry! Busy! Gotta shower! Bye!"
He ran into the shower, locked the bathroom door, and hoped they wouldn't drag him out of the shower if they broke in. They'd done enough damage already, and he didn't really need humiliation on top of that. An image of being dragged naked through the main street kept trying to force its way into his mind, and he kept trying his hardest to ignore it.
The hot—well, lukewarm—water helped clear his head and ease his bruises a little. But when he finished showering, he couldn't really think of a way to avoid going back into the main room. And he didn't have a fresh change of clothes, either.
He was growing to hate this town more and more. Groaning, he dressed quickly in his dirty, slightly torn clothes from the previous day, and was relieved to see that no one had broken into his room. The brother resumed pounding on the door, however.
"Go away!" Richard called. "I said I was sorry!"
"We know!" the brother yelled back. "Billy and Bobby Jo just wanted us to apologize!"
He hesitated. On the one hand, that was great; he'd love to not get beaten up any more. But then again, it could be a clever ploy to lure him out in the open.
But that assumed these guys were capable of clever ploys, a fact of which he was not convinced. Still, better safe than sorry.
"Apology accepted!" he called. "Now go away!"
"Aww, come on," another brother yelled in. "We're real sorry, we didn't understand. At least let us take you out to breakfast."
He hesitated, his stomach grumbling. Breakfast did sound awfully tempting…
CJ woke up in a sleeping bag on Luke's floor. They'd gone back to Tom's house first, but it was full of angry young men, and they'd glared at him like he'd done something wrong. So it was Luke's house instead, where he and Tom were both camped out on the floor.
"Sleep okay?" Luke asked from his bed.
"Sure did!" CJ answered. "What's for breakfast? What's on the plan for today?"
"Breakfast is hashbrowns and eggs," Tom said. "And today's a fishing day."
"We went fishing yesterday," Luke pointed out.
"Hmm." Tom considered. "Don't feel like swimming, though."
"What about the fort?" CJ asked.
"We could work on the fort," Luke agreed.
"Well… Okay. But," he turned to CJ seriously, "you have to promise not to tell no one where it is, 'cause otherwise, how'll we keep out the girls and the grown ups?"
"Promise," CJ agreed. "Cross my heart."
"Okay, let's get going!" Tom decreed. "We can wake up Luke's mom to cook breakfast, she won't mind."
"Are you sure about that?" CJ asked.
"Positive," Tom said.
"Sure," Luke agreed, then bellowed, "Mom!"
Chris was still sitting on the bench, now finished with breakfast. He thought about trying to head out and see the town, or find the others, but then thought that might be dangerous. After all, he was barely even clothed. And besides, at least sitting back here, he was safe from the girls and he had Alejandro to talk to.
Not that Alejandro was in much of a mood to talk. He mostly glared around the jail and occasionally yelled angrily that he wanted a book, a newspaper, a lawyer, or his mother.
"Well, I'm here for you," Chris finally said, sulking a little.
"And I really appreciate that. Despite the fact that I'm locked in jail, and you neither got a judge nor called Denton, I really do."
"Well if you're just going to be mean…" Chris muttered.
"No, baby, I'm sorry," Alejandro sighed. "I'm just going… a little stir crazy. I've been here for hours. I spent the night in jail. I have a criminal record!"
"I spent the night in a tree, so I'll trade you," Chris said.
"Aw, honey."
Someone cleared his throat, and they both looked up to see the Sheriff standing in the doorway, looking disapproving.
"You always call boys honey, son?" he asked Alejandro.
"Yes, and I'm not your son."
"That's clear," the Sheriff agreed.
Alejandro narrowed his eyes a little.
"You two boys ain't…" the Sheriff leered a little at them.
"No, sir," Chris said quickly.
Alejandro rolled his eyes. "No," he said. "Why?"
"'Cause you look like you might be."
"Yes, well, you also thought I looked like a druggie and I'm not, so I don't really think you're the best judge of what I am and am not."
Chris looked a little surprised, particularly because Alejandro was gay. But he didn't say anything.
The Sheriff frowned. "Annie says you're real sorry about jay walking."
"I am," Alejandro said. "Very sorry."
"Be that as it may, I still can't just let you go. You resisted arrest, you know."
Alejandro sank back against the wall, looking both angry and depressed. "I really didn't. And I'm pretty sure you arrested me without grounds. And I'm pretty sure that's illegal and I can have them take away your badge!"
"Them who?" the Sheriff asked reasonably.
"Them… um… the generic them!"
"Don't think fancy works confuse me," the Sheriff said. "I ain't stupid. I was gonna let you out of here, but I think maybe you'd better cool off awhile." He glanced at Chris. "You sure you two ain't homos?"
"Pretty sure, yeah," Chris answered.
"Hmph." The Sheriff stalked out.
"Great," Alejandro muttered, after the Sheriff slammed the door shut. "Now I'm Hispanic and homosexual."
"You were both of those things before," Chris pointed out.
Alejandro glared at him, so he didn't say anything else.
"Do you think they lynch people in this town?" Alejandro finally asked. "Because I'm worried that if they can't find the judge, they'll just lynch me."
"Oh, god," Chris said. "You really think…"
"No," Alejandro said. "I just really want to get out of here!"
"Well, maybe you shouldn't have accused the Sheriff of being racist," Chris said.
"Maybe he shouldn't have arrested me with no grounds," Alejandro answered huffily.
"Jail is really making you hardened," Chris said. "And there isn't even anyone else in jail to be beating you up or… anything…"
"Chris, you do realize that if I'm in jail indefinitely, you're not having sex indefinitely?"
Chris stared at him in horror. "I'll go look for the judge again," he decided, standing up.
"Bring me back a newspaper?" Alejandro called after him.
Chris nodded. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Watch out for the packs of fangirls," Alejandro said.
"I can outrun 'em," Chris promised. "Don't worry, Alejandro. I won't let you rot in there."
"I appreciate that." Alejandro batted his eyelashes. "If you can't find the judge and I'm stuck in here, will you wait for me, baby?"
Chris laughed. "Yeah, sure. How long are we talking waiting for? Because I'm very impatient."
"Then go find the judge."
"On it." Chris blew him a kiss and knocked on the door to be let out. He was now very, very determined.
Nick wandered around, now hopelessly lost, vaguely terrified, and worried he was starting to go crazy. But that was only because he kept talking to himself, and to Ryan, though he knew full well Ryan wasn't there to answer.
"Stupid moose," he muttered, staring down at the no service display. "Getting my hopes up, just stupid berries anyway, they didn't even taste good. Ryan, no moose could love me like you do… You will come get me, right, baby? Right?"
He knew there was no chance of hearing Ryan answer him, and yet he hoped desperately for an answer to the question. That was probably a bad sign.
And then, miracle of miracles, it happened. He was staring down at the display on his cell phone, when it changed. The no service sign, which had been the bane of his existence, flickered out of sight. And in the corner was one tiny, lonely bar.
"Reception!" he yelled, and began to do a high-kneed dance in a circle. "Reception! I found it! Oh yeah! I found it!" He stopped dancing and checked his phone to make sure it hadn't been a trick of the light, and now there were two reception bars.
"Ryan, baby, I'm coming home," he said to nothing in particular, and began to hit the speed dial for Ryan's phone.
A chittering down by his feet distracted him. A squirrel was standing by his ankles, looking up curiously.
"Aww," he said, looking down at it. "You're kind of adorable. Not like that stupid moose. Which was cute when I thought it was Ryan, but now I just kind of hate it. Oh, god, I'm talking to a squirrel."
He peered down. "Don't worry, whatever that moose told you, I won't try to kiss you. I'm not high anymore. I don't think. Though I am talking to you… But I know I'm talking to you, so that's a good sign, not a bad sign, right?"
He crouched down to inspect the squirrel, Ryan's number ready to go in his phone. The squirrel made a noise that was something like a purr.
"You are cute," he said, and slowly reached out with his empty hand, wondering if it was possible to pet a squirrel.
The squirrel regarded his hand for a long moment, then jumped over it, up on to his shoulder, ran down his other arm, grabbed his cell phone, and ran off into the underbrush.
Nick stared at his empty hand for a long moment, then stared at the place where the squirrel had disappeared.
"You… bastard… squirrel!" he yelled, sinking to the ground. "I thought you were cute, goddamnit! I called you cute! Traitor!"
Then he realized he was yelling at a squirrel who wasn't even there anymore, he'd tried to make out with a moose, he hadn't eaten anything except hallucinogenic berries in a day and a half, he had no idea where he was, where the town was, or where the guys were, and now his last hope of contacting civilization was gone.
Nick curled up into a ball and cried.
Now that they were no longer trying to kill him, Frank, Joe, Bob and Rick were surprisingly pleasant to hang out with. They helped Richard fend off screaming fangirls, got him a great breakfast, and were showing him around town.
"You know, this place isn't half bad," Richard mused, as they watched a small brook burble its way under a foot bridge. "It's kind of nice."
"Glad you like it," Joe said. "We lived here all our lives."
"Yeah? Do you ever travel or anything?"
"Why would we want to do that? We got everything we need right here," Bob said.
"I guess so. Wow, cool. It must be kind of neat to live in such a little town."
"Glad you like it," Rick repeated. "Since you'll be staying and all."
"What?" Richard asked. "Just for another day, at most."
The brothers exchanged a look, but didn't say anything.
"So…" Frank finally said. "You met our sisters last night, Bobby Jo and Billy."
"Yeah, they were… really nice," Richard said, almost regretfully.
"They said the same thing about you," Rick agreed. "Billy thought you were the cat's pajamas."
"Well, I don't really know what that means, but thanks."
The brothers laughed, and Richard half-smiled. They weren't such bad guys.
"You really aren't such bad guys," Richard said. "When you're not trying to kill me."
"Aw, go on," Frank said, and punched Richard's shoulder playfully. Richard only winced a little.
"We're real sorry about last night," Joe added. "But Billy came and explained it all to us. We didn't realize."
"Realize… what?" Richard asked.
"Well, shucks," Rick said. "We'd never have punched you if we knew you was gonna be our new brother-in-law."
As the sun moved across the sky, CJ found that he was ravenous, thirsty, and sweating buckets. Even though the fort was out in the woods, and thus in the shade, he'd been working hard.
But the fort was looking great. The two kids had managed to get a sort of framework done on their own; there were some gaps in it which were above their heads, and there were no branches close enough to work, but CJ was tall enough to nail a few beans into place against the old trees at the fort's corners. After that, they'd spent all morning nailing old planks in place as the walls, leaving an open spot for the door, and CJ was the only one with arms long enough to sit on the relatively stable side of the fort and reach across to the middle to nail down the roof.
But in early afternoon, they were done.
The three stood back and admired their handiwork with awe. "I never thought we'd really get it done," Tom said. "You sure are tall, CJ."
"I do what I can," CJ answered.
"I got some red paint at home," Luke said. "So we can put up the no girls allowed sign."
"Or grown ups," Tom said.
"Hey," CJ said.
"'Cept you, you're not a grown up. You're just a big… kid."
"That's what my wife says," CJ agreed. "Is there any lunch around town anywhere?"
"Sure!" Luke said. "My mom can make us some grilled cheese and we can get the paint."
"Cool," CJ decided, and they headed back towards town. He wondered where Alejandro was, and if he should check in and check the status of getting out of town, but didn't really want to. After all, since Alison was busy, this didn't seem like such a bad way to spend a weekend.
"Moo," said a nearby cow.
"Oh, hush up, Bessie," Tom said impatiently, but CJ stopped to look at the cow. The cow looked back at CJ.
"Her name is Bessie?" CJ asked.
"Yeah, she's my gramma's cow," Tom said. "She just wanders around, Gramma won't kill her for meat, says she's too old so it wouldn't be good."
"Well, good," CJ said, and reached forward to pet Bessie. "She's sweet."
"You sure are weird, CJ," Tom said.
"Sure are," Luke agreed.
CJ shrugged and gave the cow a final pat. "Well, let's go get lunch," he said, inwardly debating the values of vegetarianism.
Chris took a deep breath and stepped on to the street. He was going to have to face the outside world sooner or later, tattered clothes or no. And he was going to need someone to help him, since Annie had refused. But getting help meant talking to people, and people meant the very high probability of a repeat of the previous night.
But if it was either risk that or no sex…
He grimaced and looked around. There were a few more people out today than there had been when they entered town, and sure enough a whole group of them came rushing over as soon as he stepped outside.
They'd been waiting for him. Fabulous.
"Oh my god!" one of the girls screamed. "Chris!"
He winced, then decided to hold his ground. These were local people, after all. And so they probably knew everyone in town. Including the judge.
"Hey!" he called back, and held up his hands, backing away. "Look. Girls. Um…" They stared at him hungrily. "I tell you what. I'd be happy to sign anything you want me to, or to talk and hang out for awhile or whatever, but I need help first. Okay? Okay." He didn't want for a response, just kept on talking. "What I need is to find a judge. I've got a problem I need a judge to solve. The local judge. Do any of you know where he lives?"
He took the screams as vaguely affirmative, and, wincing and telling himself to be strong, let the throng of girls pull him off.
"Brother-in-law?" Richard repeated.
"Of course," Rick said. "I mean, you wouldn't be trying to canoodle with our darling sister if you wasn't going to marry her… would you?"
Richard was faced with a very vital, important choice. He could either admit that yes, he was a canoodler out of wedlock, and face the wrath of Billy's three brothers (and, presumably, Bobby Jo's brother for the heck of it); or he could agree to marry Billy.
He hesitated.
"Would you?" Frank asked sharply.
"Of course! Not! Of course not! Ahahaha… Um…" He swallowed. "Of course, I do believe in a long, um, courtship. And my work is out of town and all, but, um—"
"Don't talk crazy," Joe said. "You're gonna have to stay around here if you marry Billy, she's not a city girl and what's the use of being married if her husband's always away? We can teach you how to farm, you'll get the hang of it pretty quick."
"Farm?" Richard repeated weakly. He was fairly sure he was entering a state of shock, and was worried he might black out at any moment. And there was a familiar, unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Oh, god."
"'Course we'll build you two a nice house," Bob said. "Right next to our parents."
"Lovely." Yes, definitely something in his stomach.
"And I know Billy just can't wait to have kids, I bet we'll be expecting a niece or nephew by winter," he continued. "But with you, I bet a nephew, right? Family name? Huh?" He elbowed Richard and leered.
"Excuse me," Richard said. "I think I need to throw up."
"Throw up?" Joe demanded. "You ain't insulting our sister, are you?"
"No!" Richard said quickly. "I mean, she's lovely. Really nice. Nephew. Yes. Um. I just, um, the pancakes I had for breakfast… aren't…" He grabbed his stomach. "Where's a bathroom?"
"Behind that bush should work," Frank said, pointing.
"Oh, god," Richard said again, his voice growing faint.
"But," Joe added firmly, "don't try nothing like running away. We're gonna stick real close to you to make sure you're ready tonight."
"Tonight!"
"Well, yeah, since you and Billy was so eager last night, we got all the plans made. She's gonna wear Mama's wedding dress and the priest is writing a nice speech and we're gonna have it in the town hall at seven o'clock sharp."
"Oh. Excuse me."
Richard didn't make it behind the bush before he doubled over and retched.
"Guess he's a little nervous," Bob mumbled.
"Guess so."
Nick staggered down the hill. Downhill was about the only thing he could manage, at this point; he knew he'd gone up a hill, and then another hill, and then maybe a couple more; he figured that if he kept going downhill, he might get back to town. If one wanted to call that stupid place a town.
Except that sometimes to go downhill, he'd have to climb up a hill first.
Nick groaned, tired. He had been all through the woods, searching for the stupid squirrel and his cell phone, but had no luck. Now he just wanted to get back to the bus, or the town, and prayed Alejandro had found a way out.
But, as the sun began to set, he had no idea where town was.
"I'm going to die!" he yelled up into the trees. "You stupid squirrel, I hope you're happy! I'm going to die alone in the woods and it's all your fault!"
Nothing answered him, but he felt like he was being laughed at anyway.
"No good stupid lousy squirrel," he ranted, stomping through what looked almost like a path, not paying much attention to where he was going. "Stealing my stupid cell phone when I finally was about to talk to Ryan and not that stupid moose. I hate you!"
"Well, I hate you too," someone answered.
"Augh!"
Nick jumped a little, and then stared.
CJ was staring back at him.
"CJ!" Nick yelled, running to him and crushing him in a hug. "Oh my god, CJ! I have never been so glad to see you in my entire life, I love you!"
CJ looked, understandably, startled. "Where have you been?" he finally asked.
"Have you been worried? Were people looking for me?"
"Well… um…" He coughed. "Well, I've been busy, but I bet Alejandro has," he said.
Nick nodded. "Right. Oh, man, I'm staving and I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep and I want Ryan and… how did you get out here?"
"I'm looking for kindling. See?" He held up a handful of dry twigs and sticks. "For the bonfire at the barn raising."
"The what at the what?"
"Yeah! They invited me to help out at the barn raising, but I don't know anything about building or anything, so I'm kind of in charge of keeping the kids out of trouble, so we were going to have a bonfire."
"They've made you their king, haven't they?"
"Nick, are you feeling all right?"
"No! I ate berries, and then kissed a moose, and a squirrel stole my phone."
CJ blinked. "Okay, well, that didn't make any sense. Let's go get you some food and, um, a doctor. Have you been lost in the woods this whole time?"
"Yes," Nick snapped.
"Oh, wow, come on." He wrapped an arm around Nick and started back towards the barn raising. "Tom, Luke, come on. This is my friend and I think he's drunk or something."
"Cool!" one of the kids yelled, running up to them.
"It wasn't alcohol, it was berries, unless they were fermented, in which case it was both. Oh god, am I dead? Did I die in the woods and is this hell? And are you Satan? I always thought you might be."
"Nick, you realize you're just rambling and not making a lot of sense, right?"
"My stomach hurts…"
"Oookay, definitely time to see a doctor," CJ decided, and led Nick back to the main barn raising group. "Hey, does anyone know where there's a doctor? I think my friend ate some bad berries. He thinks a squirrel beat him up or something."
"It didn't beat me up, it tricked me! And I didn't hallucinate that part, I'm pretty sure!"
"Yeah, he needs a doctor. Maybe a hospital and a stomach pump," CJ said. "I'm going to call nine-one-one, Nick, where's your phone?"
"You are Satan!" Nick yelled. "I hate you! You and the squirrel are in league!"
"Hey!" someone else yelled, running up into the group. "Hey, guess what! There's a wedding down at town hall!"
"What?" someone else asked. "Who's getting hitched?"
"Billy and one of them city boys!"
CJ considered. "Well, that's pretty progressive for such a small town," he said.
"Billy's a girl," Luke said.
"That makes more sense." He considered. "What, who's getting married to who! Oh, this can't be good." He looked at Nick and sighed. "We'll go see what this wedding thing is and then get you to the hospital, okay?"
"Okay…" Nick said weakly. "Is Ryan there?"
"I'll call him."
"Not the moose?"
"Not the moose," CJ promised.
"You know, I wish I had a harmonica," Alejandro said to Annie. "I don't know how to play a harmonica, but since I've been in her for over twenty-four hours and you still won't find me a judge, I bet I'd have time to learn. Swing low, sweet chaaaariot…"
"Alejandro, don't take this the wrong way, you got a great voice and all, but shut up," Annie said.
"Get me a judge! You can't just detain me here! I have my rights, and, and, this can't be legal!" He groaned. "And where's Chris? Did they kill him? Have there been any accidental deaths of pop stars reported on your scanner?"
"No, honey, but it's sweet that you're so concerned for him," Annie said.
"Yeah, 'cause I'm never going to see him again, because I'm going to die in jail."
"Now that's exaggerating, the food wasn't so bad."
Alejandro glared at her.
"Hello?" someone called from the front. "I was told there was an emergency, hello?"
"Annie! Alejandro!" added a voice which was very definitely Chris's.
"That sounds like your friend now," Annie said. "And the judge."
"That was the judge!" Alejandro asked, leaping to his feet. "Go! Get him! Shoo! Scat!"
She glared. "Now, that's just derogatory, I'm not a kitten."
"Go get the judge to set my bail so I can pay you way more than you actually deserve and get the hell out of here before I actually get so mad I manage to rip the bars out and hit you with them!"
"Well, fine, you don't have to get angry," Annie said, and walked out. She returned quickly, followed by Chris and a tall man with a potbelly, who Alejandro desperately hoped was the judge.
"So what are you in for, son?" the judge asked.
Ignoring being called son by yet another strange man, Alejandro said, as politely as he could manage, "Apparently, jay walking."
"Jay walking? We don't usually arrest people for that, do we, Annie?"
"No, sir," she said. "I think this was just a big mix up."
Alejandro clenched a fist and ground his teeth, but didn't begin yelling. It took most of his willpower.
"You see, Sheriff Rawlings thought he might have been doing drugs, which of course he wasn't, but he took the boy in just to make sure. Of course, then we needed you for the bail hearing, so he's been waiting so patiently since then."
"Yes," Alejandro said. "And since it was a big mix up, I'd really like to go, if that's possible."
The judge shrugged. "How much was the jay walking fine?"
"Twenty bucks," Annie said.
"YOU KEPT ME IN JAIL FOR OVER TWENTY-FOUR HOURS FOR—"
Chris interrupted quickly, "I'm happy to pay that for him, why don't you unlock the cell, we can get that taken care of, and be on our way? He's a little, um, out of sorts. He's not used to being, um, in jail."
The judge nodded. "He's not going to attack us or anything, is he? He looks kind of unstable."
Alejandro ground his teeth some more, and Chris said, "No, sir, he's very well behaved. Good puppy."
"Chris, I am going to strangle you the minute I get out of here."
"Then I won't pay your jay walking fine, criminal." Chris stuck out his tongue.
Alejandro groaned. "Do I need to pay bail now? Or can I just go pay my ticket and leave?"
"Might as well let him go," Annie said. "I mean, he didn't really do anything wrong."
"No," Alejandro said through clenched teeth. "I didn't."
"Sure, let him on out. Sorry for the trouble, son," the judge said, as Annie unlocked the cell.
Alejandro glared at Chris as he finally stepped out. "I think I blame you for this."
"What! What did I do? You're the one who got arrested!"
"Definitely your fault. I will find a way to make this your fault."
"Hello? I just got the judge to let you out!"
"Ahem," Annie said. "You boys should head on over to Town Hall to pay. Oh, and it'll be good timing, I'll bet the wedding is just starting!"
"The wedding?" Alejandro asked.
"Yeah, your friend with the curly hair and glasses," she said, leading the way.
"Is getting married?" Chris asked.
"Uh huh, to one of our local gals."
"Um… I don't mean to be rude," Alejandro said, his mood improving now that he was outside and free, "but why?"
"Maybe they fell in love," Annie said.
Chris and Alejandro exchanged glances. "Is there another possibility?" Chris asked.
"Maybe it's because her older brothers threatened to kill him." She shrugged. "I don't know, I didn't actually see. I just kind of got the feeling."
"What feeling?"
"Alejandro, does the phrase shotgun wedding mean anything to you?"
Alejandro sighed. "I'll kill him," he said. "Right. I'll kill Richard, then I'll find CJ and Nick, call Denton, and get us and Richard's corpse out of this godforsaken town."
"You might like it if you'd seen something other than the inside of jail," Annie said.
"I really, sincerely doubt that."
"Well." She pointed over at the Town Hall. "You'd best hurry," she said. "It looks like they're getting started."
Rich was also familiar with the phrase shotgun wedding, and was becoming more so every moment. He had never thought that there would be actual shotguns involved, but then again, he'd also never thought a town like Freshmeadow existed outside of fiction. And yet there he was, in the Freshmeadow town hall, waiting to walk up the aisle, while Bob looked on, shotgun in hand.
"Um, I really am starting to have second thoughts about this," he said. "Not that I'm a canoodler. I'd never canoodle. Certainly not with your sister. I just, um, I'm too young. And so's she! Wait, she is, isn't she? Under eighteen?"
"We got our dad's permission," Bob said.
"Oh. Um. You know, I could just… I didn't really do anything," he said. "But I'd be happy to pay for all the trouble that this ceremony must have cost, renting the Town Hall and all…"
"Didn't have to rent it, Annie let us use it," he said.
"Oh, well, still. I mean, I could just… write a nice, big check and, um, catch the next bus out of town."
"Now, Richard," Bob said sternly, "I know you ain't trying to run away. But it sure sounds like you're trying. So I'd like to remind you which one of us has the shotgun."
"Yes, sir," Richard mumbled.
"Oh, look, that's the music now," he said. "So you should start marching. Don't forget, I'm walking with you. With my gun."
"Got it," he said.
"And when they start asking questions about will you or won't you, you know the answer is you will."
"Yeah."
"Good!" Bob slapped his shoulder. "Then get marching."
"Yes, sir."
Sure enough, the wedding march was being played, and Richard was thrust against his will out into the aisle. Where, not having any choice, he unhappily walked to the end. He was followed by Billy in her wedding dress, and they stood in front of the priest together.
"So…" Richard mumbled to her. "This was your idea?"
"Sure was!" she chirped. "I only ever dreamed of meeting you, let alone getting married, but now we can! We're gonna be so happy, Rich."
He started to say something, but Bob prodded him with the gun. "You got one line," Bob reminded him. "Hush until then."
Richard groaned.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…" began the priest.
Richard looked around the room desperately. He'd been so caught up in being beaten up and then, basically, kidnapped by the brothers that he hadn't had time to wonder where the hell everyone else was… and none of them were there. Which meant there was no one to get him out of this.
Which meant he was going to have to marry an over-enthusiastic hick and stay there. But they couldn't do that, right? Kidnap him and hold him at gunpoint? He was fairly certain that was illegal, which meant, he prayed, he could have the wedding annulled, and get the hell out of Freshmeadow. Just as soon as he figured out how to get away from his bride and her brothers, in order to alert some authorities, but not the local ones. The local ones were all already present.
"…And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be—"
"I do!" someone yelled angrily from the doorway. The whole crowd swiveled to see Alejandro and Chris standing there, Chris looking as though he'd been mauled at some point, and Alejandro looking royally pissed off. "These two can't be wed because this is stupid. He has to be at a show in Toronto tomorrow night, we've already wasted more than half of our time off, I'm in a bad mood, I just got out of jail and so help me god if you shoot that gun at me you had better hope I die because I will claw your eyes out."
Richard stared at Chris, who shrugged.
"But Richard…" Billy said.
He hesitated. "Look," he said. "You're a really sweet girl. But we're from two different places. It's a lot like Romeo and Juliet. But look what happened to them. And I'd rather neither of us died, especially me, so I think I'd better go. I'm sorry, Billy." He shrugged, then retreated quickly. Bob leveled the gun at him.
"Oh, Bob, stop that," Annie snapped. "It was sweet of you to try and snag a pop star for your sister, but I can't let you shoot the boy. And Alejandro can tell you what jail does to a guy; he used to be so nice."
Bob looked sulky and lowered the gun. Billy started to cry, then thought better of it when Annie glared at her. Richard ran back up the aisle, to the relative safety of where Alejandro and Chris were standing.
CJ and Nick came running up behind Alejandro and Chris. Nick also looked like he'd been through hell and back, but CJ was, oddly, wearing a pair of overalls and looking quite chipper.
"Where have you guys been?" Alejandro demanded of them, marching them away from town hall and towards the hotel. "Richard, you first. Did someone beat you up?"
"Yes," he said. "My ex-fiance's brothers."
"Did you deserve it? No, of course you did. Chris, you were with me, until you got mauled by the fangirls. CJ?"
"I've just been around town," CJ said. "I learned to square dance and built a fort, and went fishing, but we didn't catch anything. Of course, there was nothing to catch, but—"
"Shut up," Alejandro snapped. "Nick?"
"I kissed a moose," he said.
Alejandro blinked. "You what?"
"I thought it was Ryan."
"He ate some berries out in the woods," CJ said. "He keeps talking about moose and squirrel and how they're evil. I'm about ready to call the Russian embassy and see if he was recruited."
"They are evil!" Nick objected. "They stole my cell phone!"
"I thought that was just the squirrel?"
"And the moose pretended to be Ryan."
"I think he needs a hospital," CJ said.
"Yeah," Alejandro agreed. "Well, I've got to go call Denton."
"You never called Denton!" Richard yelled.
"I was in jail!"
"You were what!"
"Oh, god." Alejandro groaned. "I hate this town. Hate it."
"Yeah," Chris said.
"Ditto," Richard agreed.
"I mostly hate the hills and forests," Nick mused. "But the town, too."
"Are you guys kidding! This place is great! I got to pet a cow, and help build a barn, and—"
"CJ. Shut. Up."
"Hey!" Chris yelled, pointing upwards. "Hey, look! A helicopter!"
"You don't think…" Alejandro said.
"How could it be?" Richard asked.
"I knew Ryan would come save me!" Nick yelled, and began waving his arms wildly.
"Ryan has no idea where you are," CJ said. "Unless the moose told him?"
"Don't be stupid, moose can't talk."
"But they can masquerade as your boyfriend?"
"It's landing over in that field," Alejandro said. "Maybe it is some kind of rescue mission."
"Or maybe this town is so weird they're sending in the CIA to erase everyone's memories and set the townsfolk loose, I don't know, in Area 51 or something."
"CJ, that's stupid, even for you."
"I thought we agreed that Chris was the stupid one," CJ said.
"Hey, I got Alejandro out of jail!" Chris objected, as they walked towards where the helicopter was landing, destroying someone's cornfield.
"Moo," said a nearby cow.
"Shut up," Nick said to it.
"Nick, did the cow pretend to be Ryan?" Richard asked.
"Be nice to her, she's old," CJ snapped.
Denton stepped out of the helicopter, looking a little frazzled, and Ryan followed him.
"Ryan!" Nick yelled, and ran towards him, then stopped. "That is Ryan and Denton, and not the moose and squirrel, right?"
"Yes," Alejandro snapped.
"Good," Nick said, and finished running towards Ryan and threw himself into his arms. "Babe, I've been so scared and lonely and I accidentally ate these hallucinogenic berries…"
"Why didn't you call me?" Ryan asked. "I was so worried! I thought you were dead, or kidnapped, or something!"
"I tried, that's how the moose…" Nick groaned. "And then the squirrel stole my phone anyway."
"Oh, is that what that was?" Ryan asked. "I finally got a call from you an hour ago, but it was just this weird chittering noise."
"Bastard squirrel!" Nick screamed. "Oh, that lousy little… I'm going to learn to hunt," he declared. "I'm going to come back here, I'm going to go hunting, and I'm going to find that squirrel and then kill it. Then I'm going to skin it and make a squirrel skin cap, and then I'm going to wear that cap and tell everyone who sees it that I made it out of the bastard squirrel that stole my cell phone!"
"I thought that part was the hallucination?" CJ mumbled.
"Ahem," Denton said, glaring. "I am very disappointed in all of you boys. Except CJ."
"But—" Richard started.
"No buts. Don't want to hear it. You disappear off the face of the world completely, you don't call to let anyone know what's happened or where you are, how can I help you if I don't know you're missing? We were very worried, and frankly, Alejandro, I expected you, at least, to be responsible enough to—"
"I tried!" Alejandro said. "I was going to call you first thing, I'd gotten us hotel rooms and was trying to get a mechanic to look at the bus and everything, and if I hadn't been arrested you'd have been told immediately!"
Denton blinked. "You were arrested?"
"Yes, for jay walking. It's a very long, very stupid story, and I would really like to get the hell out of here."
"You were arrested?" Denton said again. "I mean, CJ I would believe, or Richard. I could even see Chris doing something stupid—"
"Hey!"
"—but Alejandro, I just don't know what to think. Get in the helicopter, please."
"I jay walked! All I did was cross the damn road!"
"Anyway," Denton said, "frankly, if CJ hadn't had the presence of mind to call Alison and tell her where you boys were, we'd never have found you. Do you have any idea how tiny and isolated this town is?"
The row of glares he got back implied that yes, they had all figured it out.
The entire town seemed to have walked over to the field and was staring at them apprehensively.
"Bye, Alejandro," Annie called. "Write me some time, sugar!"
"No!" he yelled back, and stomped into the helicopter.
The battalion of screaming girls was there, and Chris waved goodbye to them. "Come see us in concert! We'll be nearby… uh… never," he mumbled and hurried into the helicopter.
Nick cleared his throat. "If anyone finds my cellphone, shoot the squirrel who has it. I'll pay for the pelt!"
"Baby, let's get you back to the city in a hurry," Ryan said. "We've still got some of the weekend left, and you need a hospital."
"Why do people keep saying that? I don't need a hospital, I need a gun. To kill the squirrel. Ooooh, I hate the bastard squirrel."
"Okay, Elmer Fudd, into the helicopter," Ryan said, and helped Nick climb in.
"Richard, darling!" Billy yelled from the crowd. "I love you! I'll wait for you!"
"Don't!" he yelled back.
"That was mean," CJ said.
"Then you marry her."
"Already married." He shrugged.
Richard climbed into the helicopter.
"CJ! CJ!" a couple of young voices called.
"Luke! Tom!" he yelled back, starting towards them. "I'll come back and visit all the time!"
"You'd better!" Tom yelled. "You didn't get to play in the fort at all!"
"And Tess wants you to call the next square dance!"
"Bring your wife, she can sleep in the barn!"
"Aww, guys," CJ said. "I'm gonna miss you two." A nearby cow mooed, and sauntered over. CJ scratched the back of her neck. "And you, Bessie. But I'll come visit real soon, I promise. Real soon!"
"You'd better!"
"Sure better!"
"I will! I—"
"CJ, get your ass in the helicopter!"
"I gotta go," he said quickly. "Bye!"
He ran into the helicopter, and Denton climbed in afterwards. "So that must have been an eventful weekend," he said.
"Hey, here's a question," CJ said. "If I'm the smart one now, and being arrested makes Alejandro the bad boy—"
"I was arrested for jay walking!"
"—then what are the rest of you? I think Chris is still the dumb one—"
"Hey!"
"I mean, heartthrob," he amended quickly. "But Richard has to be the wacky one if I'm not, because Nick is still Nick."
"No," Ryan said. "I think Nick is the wacky one, what with the berries and all."
"You were a moose," Nick groaned, and cuddled closer to Ryan. Ryan looked a little pained.
"Here's another question," Denton said. "Whatever happened to the bus driver?"
fin
B: For the record, this isn't just us taking random potshots at small towns. Freshmeadow is a not very clever, thinly veiled parody of my own home town. Leah: Nick/Moose OTP!