Chapter 18: The I-Can't-Believe-I've-Already-Done-so-Many-Chapters Chapter

"Wargs! Wargs! We're under attack!" Aragorn yelled as he ran down the hill.


Ignoring the screams of the villagers around her, Celeste sighed happily. "Isn't just so gorgeous when he's running for his life?" Starr smiled.

"I was warning the others of the danger," Aragorn said, getting really agitated.

"Could you do me a favor, Aragorn?" Legolas asked out of the blue.

"Uhh…yes?"

"When you take that little trip off the cliff, would you mind taking one or both of our 'fair' 'female' 'companions' with you?"

"I will try, believe me."

Theoden, the pig-headed male chauvinist, insisted on sending Starr and Celeste with the women to Helm's Deep, while the men fought the wargs.

"It's just as well," Starr said, in a huff. "I didn't want to break a nail fighting those smelly dog thingies."

They had just come within sight of Helm's Deep, when Starr remembered something.

"Say, doesn't Aragorn get dragged off a cliff sometime soon?"

Celeste nearly fell off her saddle, but her gracefulness saved her.

"Oh noooooooo! I have to go back! Aragorn, my love, I'm coming!"

"What is wrong with her?" Eowyn butted in.

"Pay her no mind, she is imbalanced." Starr said airily, then added under her breath, "You silly little be-otch."

"Yeah, well, screw you too." Eowyn muttered.

Twelve sets of jaws dropped into their respective laps.

"Language, sister! Language!" Eomer exclaimed, looking scandalized. "I think this story is desensitizing you, perhaps you should not read any more…"

"I'm fine!" Eowyn snapped. "Except now I hate THEM more than ever!"

"If that's possible." Elladan and Elrohir said in unison.

It was a solemn two girls that brought up the rear of those who entered Helm's Deep. Everyone else, bless their simple minds, was happy to be safe. Starr was brooding over what she knew was to follow in this place, and Celeste was upset about—

"Being apart from Aragorn for more than an hour?" Merry finished.

--her inability to save her love.

"She actually ADMITTED that she messed up?" Pippin gasped dramatically, pressing a hand over his heart and pretending to almost faint.

"Will wonders never cease?" Gimli said dryly.

When the men returned, forlorn and depressed, Starr was content to comfort Legolas.

He just looked so crushed at the loss of his friend. Even after a fierce battle, he had not a hair out of place, and was looking as perfect as usual.

Over the kissing sounds and 'awws' from the others, Faramir turned to the Elvish Princeling.

"I had been meaning to ask you, how DO you maintain constant perfection?" he asked.

"I'm just good like that," Legolas shrugged, and Glorfindel laughed.

"Yeah, Elves are just naturally superior." He joked.

"HEY!" came eight sets of voices.

"We ARE!" retorted the remaining five.

"Oh, this is silly, we're getting into an argument because of a story that isn't worth half a breath." Arwen said.

"Let alone the amount of time we've spent on it." Elrohir added.

"So we can stop?" Legolas asked eagerly.

"No." Everyone else chorused.

His face fell. "Figures."

He wrapped a strong arm around her small waist and pulled her close with a sad smile. "I'm sorry." Starr whispered very quietly. There was no need for loudness, as his keen Elvish hearing could pick up anything.

Legolas pushed a piece of Starr's hair behind her ear and kissed her on the forehead.

"Would you feel better if we…" Starr didn't finish her sentence, just raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow.

"What, in HELM'S DEEP!" Gimli asked incredulously.

"Glorfindel's reading." Faramir practically tossed the book onto the Elf's lap.

"Alright then…" he said unsurely. His eyes scanned the pages.

"Skip the gross parts." Eowyn said quickly.

"Please do," said Sam, who, in all his innocence, had just realized what Starr had been hinting at.

Needless to say, he looked a bit green.

Glorfindel nodded, and then froze as his eyes swept the page. All the color drained out of his cheeks.

"Why, I do believe he's forgotten to breathe." Elladan observed, sounding way too amused.

"Sweet Eru! In the hall closet!" Glorfindel bellowed, quite unlike himself.

"That's disgusting! Don't tell us that!" Aragorn yelled, clapping a hand over his ears.

"LEGOLAS!" Glorfindel shouted at the book, as if 'Legolas' could actually hear him. "YOU ARE HEIR TO THE THRONE OF MIRKWOOD! YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH RANDOM GIRLS IN CLOSETS!"

The real Legolas looked as if his psyche had just been irrevocably shattered.

"Aragorn?" he said with fake cheer. "I have another favor to ask of you. May I borrow your sword, for I have the sudden urge to disembowel myself. Or shall I use my own bow?"

Merry leaned into speak quietly with Pippin. "If I ever suggest visiting Gondor again, please hit me a few times until I come to my senses."

Pippin nodded. "With pleasure."

"Okay, the scene has ended," Glorfindel said in a weak voice as he found the ending of the horrific 'quickie in the closet (if there are any) at Helm's Deep.' He was as white as a sheet and shaking.

Meanwhile, Celeste was busy being brave and stoic as she helped Eowyn (Yuck!) organize the supplies. Ignoring the lewd looks from the men old enough to be her great-grandfathers, and the jealous looks from the much less pretty Eowyn, Celeste held in her sadness.

'Wait, my Aragorn-senses are tingling!' she giggled to herself.

"There it is, she just took obsession to a whole other level!" Eomer said.

"Well, when your IQ is smaller than your age, things like this tend to happen…" Sam grumbled.

"He's back…" Eowyn breathed. "He's aliv—"

Celeste elbowed her out of the way, cutting her off, as she ran to Aragorn. He saw her coming, and Celeste ran into his awaiting arms, her golden hair billowing out behind her like a banner. "Oh, you scared me!" she sobbed into his shirt. "Don't ever do that to me again."

"I'm sorry, Melamin." Aragorn whispered soothingly.

Arwen gripped the arm of her chair tightly as she forced a strained smile. "Melamin?" she asked, her voice dangerous.

Aragorn, realizing her anger was slightly directed at him, suddenly exclaimed, "It's not me! I can't STAND the wench! I love YOU!"

Arwen softened and smiled a genuine smile.

At this moment, Legolas and Starr appeared, looking slightly disheveled.

"Ohhh, my poor mind! The images! They burns us, precious!" Pippin cried out. Sam shivered.

"Oh, where have you two been?" Aragorn asked, amused. Celeste let out a half-laugh, half-cry and wiped away her tears.

Starr watched as Legolas's face lit up. He was happy again, and so she was happy.

"None of your business, Mr. Soon-to-be-King!" Starr turned up her nose, though she was smiling.

"What a stinging yet witty retort." Elrohir commented with barely contained sarcasm.

"Wow, all this time, and we STILL have to get to the battle," Faramir said with a depressed sigh.

"This girl likes to talk." Gimli noted.

"You think?" Elladan said.

TO BE CONTINUED…