Chapter 22: Quite the Abomination

Glorfindel sighed. "I grow weary of reading this monstrosity. Does anyone care to relieve me of this position?"

No one would make eye contact with him.

"Anyone?"

Still nothing.

"May the Valar have mercy on your souls," Glorfy muttered darkly.

Suddenly, a loud, booming knock filled the room. Everyone looked up at the door to see a strange procession stream in. Numerous Elves and Elleths entered, wearing cloaks with the hoods thrown back. Each one clutched an intricately-carved bow and had a quiver of arrows on their backs.

"Mae govannen," An Elleth stepped forward and bowed, her long blonde hair streaming over her shoulders.

Recognizing her, Legolas let out a joyful cry and leapt forward. He grasped her hand. "Raenel! What are you doing here? Have you come to rescue me from this torture? I am eternally in your debt!" the princeling rambled on, as the newcomers looked on, wondering if their prince had finally snapped.

"Um, no…" she gave him an odd look. "We are escorts today,"

"What?"

Another figure sailed regally into the room. The readers all gasped in surprise.

"Ada!" Legolas gaped.

Thranduil smiled. "I heard about the 'hostage situation' here from Haldir, so I had to come check it out,"

Legolas noticed that his eyes were sparkling with laughter. "You're mocking me!"

"No, son, what ever would give you that idea?"

Raenel bowed lowly. "Well, our work here is done. We shall be waiting for you, my Lord, when you desire to return home," She led the other Elves out.

"So," Thranduil beamed around the room. "Judging by Haldir's rants, and the deadened look in your eyes, I'd say this story is quite the abomination."

"You have no idea," Pippin responded, looking deadpan.

"Come now, Master Hobbit! It cannot be that bad! I have a feeling you are all exaggerating,"

Merry suddenly got a devilish glint in his eyes. "Then, my Lord, I have a proposition to make…"

"Yes?" Thranduil inquired, not noticing the horrified look on Legolas's face, and the dawning comprehension on everyone else's.

"I triple dog dare you to—"

"Wait, what?" Thranduil interrupted, confused.

"It means I challenge you," Pippin offered.

"Anyway, I challenge you to stay and listen to, say, two chapters." Merry pulled a random number out of nowhere.

Glorfindel, seeing his chance, leapt up and clapped his hands in glee. "Yes, yes, and he must READ the book, out loud to the rest of us!"

"Good one," Pippin grinned.

Eowyn laughed. "That should be enough to convince you!"

"I think two sentences could convince him," Arwen said dryly.

"Oh, come now, where's the harm in that?" Thranduil smiled. "You're on, Master Meriadoc."

Legolas moaned in defeat. "You were supposed to come and take me home with you!" he groaned.

"Why, Legolas, you have two good legs, you can leave on your own,"

"They won't let me!"

"Aw, and you're too noble to fight your friends."

"Exactly!"

"Noble, or cowardly? Do you believe you could not defeat them?"

"What! NO! I could take them!"

"Oh, it is ON, Elf boy!" Aragorn stood with a smirk.

"Havo dad!" Legolas snapped. Aragorn looked surprised, and fell back into his seat. "Yeah, two can play at that game! 'Havo dad, Legolas', honestly! I was defending your honor!"

"I could have handled it!"

"Obviously not!"

"Could too!"

"Not uh!"

Thranduil stood next to Elrohir, laughing. "Oh, this is good."

Elrohir glanced over at him with a look on his face that blatantly screamed, 'I know something you don't know!'

"What? Not you too," Thranduil sighed in exasperation.

Aragorn was still arguing. "Do I intrude on your constant bickering with Gimli? I think not!"

"Leave me out of this," Gimli muttered.

Faramir rolled his eyes. "Pride of Middle Earth, we have here."

Elladan nodded his assent. "Fighting like a bunch of children,"

Sam looked just plain bewildered to see Legolas and Aragorn behave like 3-year-olds. "It ain't natural. None of it," he mumbled, shaking his head sadly.

"You're a troublemaker, do you know that?" Arwen shot a glare at Thranduil, who was enjoying himself WAY too much.

"Oh Eru, I should visit more often!" he chuckled, eyeing the battle still raging.

"I know how to stop them," Eowyn announced. She cleared her throat and winked at the others. "OH MY GOODNESS! IS THAT STARR AND CELESTE?"

Legolas and Aragorn let out frightened squeaks and retreated quickly into separate corners like they had just been burned.

"That's my boy," Thranduil said sarcastically, not enjoying himself anymore, as he watched his son cower in the corner.

"I hope you have money set aside for therapy," Pippin smiled. "Cause he is going to NEED it."

"That was mean, Eowyn," Faramir gasped between his hysterical laughter. He and Faramir were currently laughing their heads off at the looks on their two dignified friends' faces.

"Oh, that was priceless! I think the only thing that could scare Aragorn more is the rage of Arwen," Eomer chortled.

Arwen bristled angrily. "If you are implying that I am scary, I will chop off all your appendages, starting with the smallest!"

Eomer blinked, glanced down, and winced. "Enough said," he whispered to the hobbits.

"I think she just has a lot of rage pent up due to her infuriating situation in the story," Sam suggested.

"You may be on to something there, Samwise," Elrohir looked thoughtful.

"Of course, Arwen is also just plain frightening," Elladan supplied.

"I heard that…"

"I know. Why do you think I said it?"

"Anyway." Merry tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you going to accept my challenge?" he put an extra emphasis on the last word.

"Of course! Why not?"

"Why? Why! WHY!" Legolas exclaimed. "WHY, VALAR, WHY! WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO!"

"Quiet down, you're making a scene." Thranduil said as he settled down in the chair.

Glorfindel dropped the book in his lap and sighed in relief as if an enormous weight had just been lifted from his shoulders. He may never be the same again. He hurried away, muttering something that sounded oddly like 'Free at last!'

"Gather round, my children," Thranduil gestured dramatically to the chairs around him. The others all gave him an unsure look.

"I'm not so sure about this…" Pippin whispered nervously to Merry. "He seems close enough to snapping already. Not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. The lights are on but nobody's home. A few drops short of a pint—"

"We get it," Merry and Sam said in unison, getting them some strange looks from the others, who hadn't heard the beginning of the conversation.

"Did I miss something?" Faramir questioned.

"If you did, then so did I…" Aragorn replied, quite recovered from the previous incident and already having forgotten about the argument over nothing.

"It's going to take me a millennium to read these two chapters, isn't it?" Thranduil wondered aloud wearily.

"Depends. If one of the characters has a death scene, better make it three millennia, just to be safe…" Elladan replied.

"You are a strange one, aren't you?" Thranduil smirked, looking amused.

"WHY do people keep asked me that?" Elladan joked, playing along. "But seriously, I'm not joking."

"OK, well if I think that this story is indeed as bad as you all make it out to be, I will not only pay for all of your 'therapy', but also invite you all to Mirkwood for a luxurious visit."

Legolas rubbed his hands together, and whispered to his father, "Ohhhh, is that code for 'lock them all in the dungeon and force them to read more of this atrocity'?"

"Uh, no, that's code for 'invite them all to our home and treat them like honored guests," Thranduil whispered back.

"You take all the fun out of torture, do you know that?"

"You aren't the first to tell me that."

"I don't even want to know." Legolas muttered while making a face.

"No, I don't think you do,"

"Son of a mushroom! To have Elf ears so I might hear what they are saying!" Merry grumbled. "I'm bored out of my mind."

"I'm bored to tears." Pippin nodded.

"I'm bored stiff," Sam said glumly.

"But this is better than reading that…that…thing!" Gimli joined into their conversation.

"I don't know what's sadder, that this story has reduced us to a bunch of angry weirdos, or that after all this, we still insist on reading it," Eowyn stated.

"Well, we're a strange lot, indeed." Faramir snickered.

Thranduil clapped his hands together. "Let's get this show on the road!" He picked up the book.

Legolas shook his head. "Your funeral."

TBC….