Picking up the Pieces
By: April L. Hohmann
Started: 5/11/04
Disclaimer: I own nothing but this story. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy are the creators of the Buffy universe as well as the Angel one.
Spoilers: Anything up to Angel S5 "The Girl In Question".Feedback: Just be honest w/ me. You can post a review here or email me at ape18hotmail.com
Distribution: FF.net and bscentral on spuffyonline.com
Summary: Takes off from ending of "The Girl in Question". Spike flies back to Rome to resolve things with his love.
Chapter 1
Spike and Angel sat on the desk in the dark for a few more minutes in complete silence, until finally Spike broke the broody silence. "You realize I can't just sit here, right?"
"Figured as much," Angel replied without even turning towards his partner.
Silence filled the office once more as Spike contemplated how quickly he could commandeer one of the planes downstairs and get away with it.
Almost as if he was reading his thoughts, Angel spoke once again. "I'll have Harmony set it up while…"
"No," Spike said simply with conviction, cutting Angel off.
"Huh?" Angel turned his head towards Spike, looking at him in bewilderment.
"But she's the one who sets everything up."
"You can't do it yourself? You don't have connections without her? All she is, is a daft bint of a gofer," Spike ranted, and then turned towards Angel solemnly. "Please."
Spike had said it so quietly Angel wasn't sure he heard right. "What'd you just say?"
"I said 'please', Peaches," Spike then took a deep unnecessary breath in an attempt to calm his nerves. "Look…the less people that know about this the better. I should 'ave just stayed there in the first place."
"Spike…"
"I don't fancy hearing one of your bloody lectures right now about how I need to let her go and all that rot," Spike complained, getting up. "It's not what I need to hear right now." He sighed running his hands through his hair. "I mean," he swung his hands as he paced, reminding Angel of a caged animal. "The Immortal, of all the men.." he trailed off and leaned against the wall.
"Spike…"
"I just need to see her."
"I know," Angel said quietly, laying a hand on Spike's shoulder. "Listen Spike…I'll set up things here, you go get your things together. Meet me back here when you're ready."
"You serious, Peaches?!" Spike asked incredulously, searching Angel's face for any sign he was messing with him.
"Completely," Angel responded seriously. "I was trying to tell you this before. I realize you need to sort things out with her for yourself, without my interference in it, as much as I hate to admit it." A few more moments of silence went by before Angel spoke again, "You know why I'm doing this, right?"
"Well why don't you enlighten me, Peaches."
"It's not because I think you're right. This isn't how it's supposed to be you know."
"What's that now?" Spike asked suspiciously, razing a scarred eyebrow.
"You and her."
"Not this again," complained Spike, rolling his eyes. "Why can't you just get off your bloody high horse and admit she and I had something, something special."
"Sleeping around with someone does not make special."
"It wasn't just 'sleeping around,' as you so gingerly put it…there was more to it than that." Spike told him wistfully.
"Which would be…?"
"I was the only one she felt comfortable around enough to actually talk to! And this was before we started sleeping together…besides….she's the one who initiated it in the first place."
"She was using you!! Why don't you see that?"
"Because it wasn't like that always!" Spike yelled, beginning to pace again. "Sometimes it had nothing to do with sex…" Spike began, but Angel interrupted.
"Of course it was just about sex - what else would she want you for?!" Angel accused.
"Sometimes she wanted me…just me, William!" Spike shouted back, slapping his hand over his heart. "One time I just held her all night, watched her…comforted her. That night…" Spike began to choke on his words…and came to a standstill in front of Angel, "was the best night in my life." he admitted quietly. "And I bloody well know that it meant a lot to her as well, she told me as much. Looked me square in the eye, she did."
"This goes beyond the point of just caring about her anymore, Peaches. I love her," Spike said vehemently, meeting his grandsire's eyes.
"You're just a child William, you don't know what love is, I've been around at least 200 years longer than you, and been in love all of 3 times, I think I'd know a bit more than you."
"How so Peaches?"
"You would die for the one you love, I know that, but would you give them, give her, up? Give her up even when every nerve in your body, every ounce of blood running through your veins quivers with the desire to hold her, to be with her? Could you ignore the demon's selfish call to possess her and let her live her life and be happy without trying to be the one to make her happy--especially when you know you can't?"
"You sit there so smug," the blonde spat, pointing at Angel, "in your little chair thinking you know everything…"
"I know enough," Angel replied.
"You don't know a bloody thing!" Spike slammed his hands on the desk. "Not about slayers, not about Buffy, and sure as bloody hell not about me. I'm capable of love. I did. I loved her. Heart, body and soul. I never stopped loving her or even tried to. I've lied to her only once in the six years I've known her, and although it was for her own safety and protection, it was still one too many times."
Spike closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to rein in his temper. When he glanced back at Angel, a sardonic chuckle escaped his lips; "You know Peaches, I don't think I got it until now. As jealous as I've been of you, I never knew that you were just as smitten with the green monster as I was..."
"Talkin' in riddles again?" Angel stood and walked over to his grandchilde. "And I thought Dru's influence would have waned, after she realized you weren't good enough."
The need to strike out was so great that Spike had to forcibly turn himself away from the other vampire. He let out another laugh but there was no humor in this one, only pain.
"All this time, I've been tryin' to be someone you'd respect, someone you'd have to look at with at least an inkling of pride, but it was never enough, was it?" Spike turned towards Angel. His blue eyes held no anger yet what they held made the elder vampire uncomfortable. "As much as you loved being Angelus, a part of you knew that there was something missing. As cruel a bastard as you were then, there was a hole inside you that no amount of raping and torturing could fill."
"You're insane..." Angel said but Spike continued as if the former hadn't spoken.
"You always played on my emotions, tearing me up cuz you knew how I'd react. You knew that, despite me being a soulless demon, there was still a part of William inside of me...and you couldn't stand it."
"Spike," Angel growled.
"You couldn't stand it because you knew you could never have it. You could never feel what I felt; all the bloodshed in the world couldn't satisfy that need, could it?"
"No, I know I do! You know why you don't want me to see her, why you say I don't love her?" Spike closed the distance and his lips were only inches away from Angel's ear.
"You're right Spike."
"'Cause you're…I'm what?!" Spike backed off, a little thrown.
"You're right. I killed, I tortured, I raped. We both did. It's what evil, soulless, creatures do. I was probably the worst of all vampires, I reveled in the bloodshed. But you didn't exactly hide away, now did you? You weren't exactly disgusted with your own actions were you? And now you claim to have had a soul. No…not a soul as such, what were your very own words? 'Still a part of William inside of me' Well what kind of a man were you? To accept the hunt and kill to enjoy like a beast?! I'll tell you, a coward. We were evil. Scum like us don't deserve to crawl the earth. You're nowhere near Buffy's level and you never will be. She's above us both. I made the right choice; I left because I knew it would help her. To be with people, humans, guys her own age. We shoulda been dead years ago Spike. It's selfish of you to cling to her, like some awful plague, stopping her from leading a normal life. We've done terrible things and we have to live with that. But never doubt you are utterly beneath her."
"Selfish? You're calling me selfish?!" Spike ranted, once again resuming his pacing. "I wasn't the one who up and left her on the bloody biggest day in a young girl's life!! Instead, I was the one who stuck by her side for 5 bloody years, fought for her, as well as with her in battles. I was there when she needed someone to talk to whatever the reason. The day she died three years ago was the worst day of my entire existence. I bawled like a baby that day, but I kept my promise to her. I took care of Dawn. You didn't even show up for her funeral. I watched as they put her in a hole in the ground, and wept in front of them. The day she came back was one of the best of my life, she was scared and frightened but she felt safe with me.
"But the moment you hear she's back, she's scarping off to see you...You who didn't give a flying fuck for how many months?! I cared for them, ME!!" Spike yelled, pointing at himself. "I helped them, protected them. I mourned her, and you, you have the bloody cheek to call me selfish!! I was by her side, fighting with her...and just where were you exactly? O' love of her life, where were you the night she died? I love her...maybe it's not like your kinda love...maybe I have more of a passion...but don't you ever doubt that I loved her, and I spent 5 years proving that, most of them without a soul! So you see…I'm not the one who was or is being selfish by loving her.
"In six years I lied to her once and that was the last time I saw her, and now I don't ever plan on doing that again. So, whether you approve of it or not Peaches, I'm going back there to at least give her the courtesy of letting her know I'm around if she needs me. Love is about treating the other person like an equal, not like a marionette you can pull the strings to. Maybe one day when you get off that high horse of yours, mate, you'll understand that. For your sake I hope you do; cuz that's the only way love'll find you again." Spike Paused searching for his cigarettes.
"Fact is, mate, I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. I'd do anything for her and if that means walkin out of her life after this, then I will. But I won't make the decision for her. Buffy's a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman. Who am I to keep this from her? Who am I to decide what's best for her? Love isn't about the noble sacrifice of leaving someone for their own good...it's not about having a say over what makes them happy. It's being honest with them and letting them...letting her make the decision about what she wants to do. Not skulking in the shadows and playing mind games. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to be straight with her. She's had enough heartache for one lifetime. I'm just gonna let her know I'm here. If she wants me." Spike gave up searching for his ciggies and walked towards the door. When he heard no reply he turned. "Angel, mate? You ok? No smart-ass remark? No comment??"
He'd wanted to argue and to call him a bastard but he hadn't had the strength. For once the granchilde was right, and Angel had nothing to say about that. "Just go and see her. If it's want you want to do, I don't have the energy to argue with you."
Spike nodded then turned away and walked towards the door. He stopped before he reached it and cocked his head to the side.
"It's because you know that I loved her even before I had the soul. And the fact that I loved Buffy when Angelus couldn't is only the icing on the very large cake of resentment you've carried against me for the past century."
Angel gritted his teeth and turned around tightly as Spike finished and started to leave. As he listened to the sound of the door closing behind him, he pulled back his arm and slammed his fist into the wall. When his head cleared enough to see past the rage and feel the pain, Angel pulled his hand from the wall. He looked down at his bleeding hand and began to make his way out of the room to get some ice and other things to clean it up with.
As he neared the door, he heard the phone begin to ring. Not realizing Harmony wasn't in the office yet, he decided to let it go. Then, as he stepped out into the hall and surveyed the lobby, he then realized she wasn't there. So he turned around quickly and began to run for the phone and wound up tripping over a chair in front of his desk. As he tried to disentangle himself from the chair, the phone still rang shrilly, annoying the brooding vampire even further.
Finally, after a long struggle with the chair, he managed to get it off him and threw it across the room into the wall, splintering it into a hundred wooden pieces.
He picked up the phone on it's final ring and got an earful of dead air and then a pulsating dial tone. "Of all the friggen luck," he muttered to himself, then looked over at the clock on his desk and read the Office Max logo on it and completely lost it all over again. He picked up the offending clock and threw it against the opposite wall, shattering it. Then he set about trashing the rest of his office, overturning the couches and ripping the cushions as well. By the time he had done with his temper tantrum, nearly ten minutes later, he actually felt somewhat calmed, so continued on his mission to bandage and ice his cuts before Spike got back.
Important A/N: I've been meaning to post this for a while now, but was having beta problems. Hope you guys like it. I may have a few revisions to make still as of 7/2/04, so if anyone is interested in possibly helping me out I'd appreciate it and I'll be sure to give you TONS of credit for helping. I'll let everyone know if and when I decided to make my revisions and re-post. But I just really needed to get this up for now. Please remember to review and tell me what you think good or bad. It all helps!!