Chapter 30: Starting Up a Collection For Pippin's Therapy…

Arwen began quite reluctantly. "My Sue-NC-17 senses are tingling."

"So, Celeste, how have you been?" Gandalf asked. Celeste sighed melodiously.

"I miss my Ary-kins. Why did he not come? I told him…he heard it, I know that he was holding onto my every word those last few minutes—"

"Try hours." Gimli griped.

"—I don't know why he wouldn't…" she trailed off, tears in her bright eyes.

"He does have duties to the Fellowship—"

"You tell her, Gandalf!" Sam cheered.

"—though I do not know why he would abandon such a beautiful woman as yourself."

"Nevermind…" Sam mumbled.

" 'Woman'? Pssh, she is just a child!" Glorfindel said condescendingly.

"Well, she gets Sue points for making Gandalf seem like a dirty old pedophile," Eowyn said in an undertone.

Celeste drew herself up to her full 5'4" and glared. "Ary did NOT abandon me, how DARE you sugest that! And coming on to a woman in her grieving, vulnerable state! How positively shameless!"

Gandalf cowered in the corner.

"Gandalf does not COWER!" Legolas said hotly. He was getting a break from the torture, for the time being.

"Now that I'm all hot and bothered…" she sighed again. "I wish Aragorny were here even more…" she glanced at Pippin who was still struck dumb with both her beauty and happiness she had returned. "Aragorn would forgive me if I was unfaithful in this time of need. And what he doesn't know won't hurt him." She giggled adorably and turned to Pippin, fully intent on snapping him out of his trance in the best way she knew how.

If it were possibly for an Elf to turn fluorescent green, Arwen was speeding towards that accomplishment as she paused and scanned the next paragraph. She didn't have to say a word—the images, horrible images in their heads told the story for them.

Pippin was a little slow on the uptake. "Wait…you don't mean she…" and then it clicked. "AAAUUUGH! NOOOO! I'VE BEEN SCARRED FOR LIFE! I'VE BEEN CORRUPTED! GAAAAAAHHHH!"

"I feel your pain," Legolas said by ways of comfort, though failing miserably.

"I don't know whether to feel relieved or nauseous…" Aragorn said, looking completely aghast.

Merry, getting a nasty feeling that he may be next, in a burst of adrenaline, grabbed his chair with every intent of taking it to the book and irrevocably destroying it. He had to be held back by Gimli and Elladan. "Sorry," he said sheepishly, calming down. "I've GOT to work on my fight or flight instinct when I'm cornered…"

Arwen, deciding that she shouldn't have to be facing this alone, read aloud a few choice phrases to detail to the others the horror that is a Mary Sue sex scene:

"Ushered Gandalf out of the room, because she was SO not into three-ways…shut the canopy seductively…curly-haired hobbit stud…height was made up for in other ways…Oh Sweet Eru…sounds of bed springs and giggling filled the room…Gandalf listening at the door…That's bloody IT!" Arwen roared, hurling the book at the window. Unluckily for her, it was really strong glass and it just bounced back, narrowly missing hitting Elladan in the face.

Silence fell over the room, punctuated only by the whimpers of the newly-in-need-of-therapy Pippin, and the heavy breathing of Arwen, who's face was now a lovely mix of green and red.

Eomer looked revolted. "This story should come with a warning label: To read, one must…Be rich in order to afford the extensive therapy that will be necessary once finished…strong of stomach to get past the smutty scenes that no one should be forced to read…and good natured to endure the verbal abuse upon yourself and friends unless you're one of the 'hot' characters…"

"Not to mention the ability to withstand long drivel and completely mindless lovey-dovey nonsense that has nothing by the means of a plot because the half wit of an author has not a creative brain in her head and must use (and mangle) the stories of others instead of thinking up one herself." Elrohir added all in one breath.

Faramir was inspecting the window. "You know, I may not be a glass specialist, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen."

"Thanks for that." Elladan said. He was still smarting about the fact that he had almost been smacked right in the face with the book. Getting a concussion from a pink-Lisa-Frank-sticker-covered eyesore would be hard to explain to the healers. Very much so.

Later…

"It's Mithrandir! The White Rider!" cheered the Men of Gondor. They paused, squinting at the second horse next to him. If possible, that horse was even whiter than Shadowfax.

"Now even her HORSE is better than everyone else's." Glorfindel pointed out.

Astride it sat a maiden in a rosy pink dress that flapped behind her along with her golden hair. They stared lustfully on, as he raised his staf and she raised only her arm. White light came from Gandalf's, but a pure light of complete goodness was what came out of Celeste's hands, repelling the Nazguls even more so than the wizard.

"Should've seen that coming." Aragorn said.

"Yeah, but it really was cool when Gandalf did that." Faramir insisted.

"Oh, I'm sure, that's why I'm positive there would be no way to out-cool that."

"Good point. Stupid girl."

TBC…