Chapter 34: Hair Like Horse Manure

Eowyn took up her place in the chair, ready to send an incinerating glare at anyone who dared laugh…or breathe. It would be the understatement of the century to say she was angry. Faramir silently pitied the poor chair she sat in—the pure anger radiating off her body in the form of heat must have been unbearably hot.

"The Valar must be rolling on the floor laughing at the sheer irony of this situation." Arwen said dryly.

"Has anyone else noticed that the idiot of an authoress wrote about Denethor's death twice?" Elrohir inquired.

"I think we have a bigger problem to worry about currently," Eomer gulped, eyeing his sister with terror. He had never seen her so livid. "Not even Grima could get such a reaction from her…" he whispered.

Eowyn began slowly, as if she would read but DEFINITELY wasn't happy about it.

Faramir's PUV

"Hold up, is it not 'POV'?" Glorfindel asked derisively.

"When their IQ is smaller than their shoe size, what do you expect?" Sam said suddenly, catching everyone else off guard.

"Come to think of it, that could explain the glitch with Denethor…" Elrohir considered.

My mind was a fog as I opened my eyes to find myself in the Healing place…thing. One thing that stood out was a figure in white with golden hair. My first thought was Eowyn.

"Well, see, that's not too bad!" Pippin said by means of comfort.

But then I realized that Eowyn isn't even CLOSE to being that pretty!

"Once again, I must eat my words!" Pippin sighed.

"You Hobbits will eat anything!" Gimli joked. Merry punched him on the arm.

"I don't really think Dwarves should throw stones…" he grinned.

Her hair cascaded down her back in a golden waterfall, which shined with darker as well as reddish hilights.

"So now her hair looks like horse manure…" Merry wrinkled his nose.

"Well, the sun can do that…" Aragorn smirked.

Her back was to me, so I could admire her slender figure, but when she turned, I found that I liketh the view from the front better. Her green eyes sparkled in a subdued manner as she looked at me in concern. She failed to notice that her white gown had slipped slightly off her lily white shoulder…

"There is no doubt in my mind as to where all this is going…" Arwen's voice trailed off, not wishing to incur the wrath of Eowyn.

Faramir was hoping his chair would just swallow him up before this went any further. He can't be blamed, however, for fearing the woman who killed the Witch King.

Legolas, however, was having a grand old time not being the center of the Sues' torturing.

But it seems that the Valar decided they just didn't like him today…

Meanwhile, Starr and Legolas were getting hot and heavy on those ships—

Legolas's left eye twitched, yet the rest of his face was a mask of no emotion.

As Eowyn continued, Eomer made a face. "Must you read it all aloud?"

She glared daggers at him. "Yes, I must. If I have to read this, I shall NOT be the only one!"

So all present were subjected to hear all the gory details of Starr's sick little fantasy. That includes the "handcuffs, chocolate syrup, whips" and then some.

By the time she finished, that part, the others were writhing in pain and moaning something about their ears burning.

Celeste's large yet supple breasts intrigued the Captain of Gondor. He was used to saggy ones—

" That is entirely too much information!" Elrohir snapped as Faramir buried his face in his hands.

Just when they thought it couldn't get worse, Eowyn (loudly) continues reading.

"You just lie still," she purred silkily. "We'll play injured soldier and healer…" she winked seductively and proceeded to strip—

"PLEASE NO!" was the simultaneous cry.

This caused two servants passing by the closed door to glance at each other with raised eyebrows, and hurry on.

Taking pity on them, Eowyn merely read a few choice phrases out loud.

" 'Her pale skin contrasted greatly with his sun-tanned body'… 'she helped him shed his clothes'… 'passionate kissing'…Oh my! She is certainly confident that you are WELL-endowed!"

This caused everyone in the room to burst out laughing, and Faramir to turn bright red, and make himself more familiar with the fetal position.

Celeste lay next to Faramir on the bed, the sheets cooling her burning flesh. He slowly ran a hand through her silky locks, pressing his lips hungrily against hers.

"WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!"

"Serves you right—now you know how it feels!" Legolas said, crossing his arms over his chest and giving Faramir a pointed look.

" 'Silky locks'? Silky locks that I would much like to chop off and slowly burn…" Merry said, going very still.

The others stared at him like deer in headlights.

"Ah, my sweet, I know this is only a fling until Aragorn arrives, but it was wonderful while it lasted."

"Well," Celeste said. "Once Gornie-hon is king and marries me instead of that hussy Arwen, we can do this all the time, if you wouldn't mind sneaking around…"

"Heck yes I would mind! Aragorn can HAVE you, you lying, unfaithful little—"

Arwen clapped a hand over Faramir's mouth to keep him from continuing, though she herself was seething over the 'hussy' comment.

Aragorn laid a hand on her other arm. "Peace, Arwen. You are no hussy."

Elladan grinned. "Yeah, you're more of the gold-digger type."

"Do you have a death wish?" she growled.

"I'm kidding!"

That would make me the happiest man in all of Middle-Erth!" Faramir cried joyously.

Celeste giggled. "We'll be just like Lancelot and Gwyn…Gwen…Gweny…

Gwynny…Gwynevere!"

"Who?" Gimli wondered aloud, expressing the question on everyone else's mind.

Celeste then began to sing softly, and all his wounds healed.

"That's really starting to buy me," Pippin grit his teeth.

"Only just starting!" Merry gaped. "Wow, I admire your tolerance!"

Eowyn let out a bitter laugh. "You're all just lucky I spared you from the gorier details—about how they…peaked…at the same time and all the feelings and descriptions that went with that. Something about how it was "like Gandalf's fireworks exploding before their eyes…" she shook her head. "That wasn't fun."

"I can imagine," Glorfindel said sympathetically, as Eowyn went and poured herself a liberal glass of wine.

"I knew this story would drive me to drink, I knew it!"