The order of who reads may be slightly different the second time around, because I forgot the original order…

Chapter 36: Lame Seduction Tactics

"Lesty!"

"Yeah, Starr-Starr?"

"I'm bored!"

"Already, this starts off to be a promising literary piece of success." Elrohir muttered cynically as he took up his place.

"Yeah, we have lots of time to kill b4 we have to go off to teh gate things and fight that battle thing." Celeste said.

"So, what do you want to doeth?"

"Well, you know…"

The two girls began to giggle. A servant walking by, who happened to be extremely hott, winked at them. They giggled even harder, an attractive pink blush coming to their cheeks.

Their skin, tan from being out in the sun so much, was shown off nicely by their pure white dresses and glittering jewelry. They looked like goddesses.

"Well, THERE'S a new title that they've given themselves!" Gimli thundered startling the others.

"Yes, dear friend, I realize that you would like to be with Aragorn…" Starr said with great insight.

" 'Great insight'! I could've spotted that a league off!" Glorfindel exclaimed. "It would take insight to know when they AREN'T thinking about shagging 'Leggie-dearest' and 'Gornie-hunny'!"

To the flustered Elf's surprise, everyone else burst into wild laughter instead of rallying to support him like he had hoped.

"What!" he cried out, quite distressed.

"It was…just…so…funny…to hear you…say…those…names!" Pippin managed to gasp in between his mirth.

It seemed everyone else was too incapable with laughter to voice their agreement, so they just nodded vigorously.

Five minutes later, Elrohir wiped the tears from his eyes and began to read again.

"Yes," Celeste replied. "But he is far to busy planning that stupid battle!"

"I mean, hey, it only decides the fate of Middle-Earth!" Eowyn mocked.

"Aye, so is Leggie."

"I haveth an idea! Why don't we each help each other seduce our man!"

"I'm an Elf." Legolas replied, his face buried in a pillow cushion, knowing exactly where this was going.

"Oooooooo!" Starr said. "Go on!"

"I'll help you get Legolas in the…mood…and after (giggle) you help me with Aragorn!"

"Great idea! Let's do it!"

"In the literal sense? Nooooooooooooo!" Aragorn moaned.

Legolas was at the archery practice field, practicing his archery.

"That was probably the most ridiculous sentence I've read in a long time." Elrohir remarked.

"They have reached a level of stupidity I usually see only in orcs and small insects." Merry narrowed his eyes.

"Leggie!" came the beautiful cry.

Distracted by the voice of his angel, he missed the target by a mile.

An indignant and very un-Elf-like snort could be heard from behind the pillow where, Legolas was, for all purposes, attempting to suffocate himself.

"Darling, you MUST help me with my painting!" Starr called again. Legolas found her in an isolated clearing, with Celeste standing next to the easel.

"I can't decided what to paint…" Starr sighed so sadly, Legolas felt his heart break.

"I have an idea! You can paint the human anatomy! …Or rather, the Elven one…" Celeste said suggestively.

"Oh sweet Eru, she can't mean it!" Arwen shrieked.

She turned and walked out of the clearing to the sound of Legolas's clothes coming off, and STarrs paint set clattering to the grassy floor as she leapt passionately at her Elvish lover.

Everyone had a hard time keeping down breakfast as this image flashed in their minds.

Elrohir was frantically skimming the pages. "Please let them seduce Aragorn in the next chapter!" his face fell. "No such luck…"

Faramir rejoiced at this, being the next reader.

An hour later—

"Geez, at the rate they were going, I'd have predicted ten minutes." Sam griped.

This nearly knocked everyone else out of their chairs in shock.

"Samwise Gamgee, where in ARDA do you come up with this stuff!" Aragorn stuttered, looking befuddled.

Sam just gave him an innocent, wide-eyed look.

Starr skipped over to Celeste, pink-cheeked and beaming.

"Let's get to work on Gornie!" Celeste said, holding up a deck of cards.

"What's that?" Eomer asked, confused.

"Gornie! Let's play poker! Or rather, strip poker…" Celeste added quietly to Starr. "And me and u neva lose…"

"What's 'poker'? And 'strip poker'?" Faramir questioned.

Legolas emerged from behind his pillow to comment. "I have no clue, but any phrase coming from one of their mouths and including the word 'strip' is something to beware."

"I would love to, Angel, but I knoweth not how to play."

"It's simple." Starr then explained the rules.

"And if you lose one game, you have to take off a piece of clothing." Celeste said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"I still don't understand how to play, but I'm positive I don't like it…" Arwen said, her fingers twitching as if yearning to wrap around Celeste's neck.

Twenty minutes later, Aragorn had lost, and Starr retreated to let the two have some privacy. Celeste—

Elrohir broke off and had a nice little dry heave.

"Skipping that part…" Elladan suggested.

Celeste met up with Starr an hour later.

Sam didn't have to say anything, yet they were all reminded of his earlier comment.

"That was sooo much fun!"

"Yeah, I bet." Eowyn muttered bitterly.

"We should do this a lot more after we win this battle and the Ring is destroyed!" Starr said.

"Definitely."

"Oops!" Pippin said in a high-pitched and mocking voice. "We weren't supposed to like, reveal that!" he giggled, then made a look of disgust, his voice back to normal. "Talking like that, you can just FEEL your brain cells begin to degenerate and turn to mush."

"Of course, like, by then, Gornie and Leggie won't have any other stupid battles to, like, worry bout, and we can do that and plan our weddings!" Starr said.

"This moment has haunted my thoughts and dreams…" Aragorn said, staring out into nothingness with a ghostly look in his eye. There was silence for a long time as this evil hung over the room in dark anticipation.

The two girls squealed.

"…and thus shattered the ear drums of everyone in a twenty-league radius…" Faramir added, deadpan.

"We can have a double wedding with doves and roses of every possible color!" Celeste said.

"And a huge cake and millions of presents from our adoring legions!" Starr said.

"And beautiful white dresses and gorgeous jewelry!"

"With bridesmaids that aren't as pretty as we are!"

The two girls laughed.

"Right, as if that is possible!"

Eowyn stared at the book in complete disbelief.

"They have real issues." Merry muttered, shaking his head.

"Is it possible for someone to be THAT vain and self-absorbed!" Eowyn gaped, finally voicing the cause of her disbelief.

"Apparently so." Gimli growled.

"We are going to have the most beautiful wedding on Earth!" Starr said.

"Where's 'Earth'? Did she leave out the Middle or something?" Pippin said, glancing around at the other confused faces.

"It's only fit for the two most beautiful women in all of Middle-Earth!" Celeste said.

"I hope this stupidity isn't contagious…" Elladan mumbled, pretending to look worried.

"Do you think we should have Arwen as a bridesmaid? Because she lost Gornie and everything?" Starr said.

"Well," said Celeste. "We certainly won't have to worry about her being more beautiful than us!"

And they ran off to find Arwn.

"If they think they are prettier than either Lady Arwen OR Lady Eowyn, they are seriously delusional." Sam said, blatantly.

Arwen and Eowyn blushed and hugged Sam.

"Rosie is a very lucky girl." Eowyn smiled.

Now it was Sam's turn to redden.

Legolas and Aragorn watched the two girls from a window.

"Are they not the most beautiful women you have ever seeneth?" Legolas said lovingly.

"Indeed, none can compareth." Aragorn agreed.

"This chapter just keeps going and going, no end in sight." Arwen stated, eyeing her brother's frazzled expression and glazed eyes nervously.

Elladan put a comforting hand on Elrohir's shoulder and whispered under his breath something that sounded suspiciously like an Elvish prayer.

"We are very lucky."

"Indeed we are, my friend."

"My friend!" Aragorn teased, clapping Legolas on the back so that he dropped his cushion.

The Elf shot him a dark glare. "Yes, my friend?" he questioned through clenched teeth.

Aragorn paused. "…Nothing, I just felt like doing that!"

To b continued…

Elrohir let out a cry of relief that lapsed into insane laughter, and Arwen dragged him off to the kitchen, hoping that something in his stomach would calm his nerves.

Eleven pairs of concerned eyes followed them to the door. Elrohir was mumbling something inaudible, even to Elf ears, under his breath with a crazed look in his eye.

Faramir let out a gulp as he stared at the book on the floor. It seemed to taunt him with the silvery laughter of a Sue.

"We are so doomed." Eomer muttered.

TBC…