Chapter 38: The Mouth of Sauron Meets the Sues

Faramir looked like he really needed a hug once he finished.

"Are you all right, Faramir?" Eowyn ventured cautiously. "It's over now."

"U r sooo rite."

It was like an explosion, to hear this idiotic sentence come from the mouth of the Captain of Gondor. It caused a chain reaction of events and plenty of screaming (mostly on Faramir's part at the horror of discovering he had uttered such a phrase) that could probably have been heard in Mirkwood.

Indeed, witnesses have reported hearing a strange echo, and that King Thranduil looked up from his work to listen. When questioned on what he thought it was, the king shook his head and muttered something about 'Legolas' and 'tortured'.

"GET THIS MAN SOME WATER!" Aragorn roared. Eowyn looked ready to cry at the low that this book had caused her husband to sink to. Arwen took her hand and tried to comfort her.

A very bewildered-looking young servant hurried in with a pitcher of water, which Eomer seized and promptly threw right in the face of Faramir.

Now, had he not been so frantic, that could be taken to mean that he threw the WATER in Faramir's face. But seeing as how he was shaken up, he threw the water, PITCHER and all, in Faramir's face.

So now he had on his hands an unconscious Faramir, and Eowyn hollering like a banshee at his mistake.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT!" she flipped out at him.

Elladan and Elrohir were having a hard time keeping in their laughter, and taking one look at the wide-eyed looks of the three hobbits, they fell to the ground, incapable with laughter.

Eowyn whirled on them. "HOW IS THIS FUNNY!"

Gimli nudged the broken shards of the pitcher with his boot-clad foot. "Well, if you think about it, it was pretty amusing…He never could have seen that coming…"

Legolas glanced over at the shards and winced. "For Eru's sake, Eomer, you either threw it very hard, or Faramir has a really hard head…"

Pippin managed to pick his jaw up off the floor to find another glass of water, and spill it on the unconscious man's face to revive him. He set the glass gently down on a nearby table. Despite his carefulness, the sound echoed throughout the dead silent room.

"See?" Merry piped up suddenly. "That wasn't so hard, now was it? No need to get violent…"

Faramir slowly began to come to. Elladan and Elrohir were finally able to get up off the floor and breathe again, to a stern look from their sister.

Glorfindel shook his head. "It seems someone's over-protectiveness of their sister is kicking in."

Eomer glared at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"You just knocked out her husband. Coincidence? I think not."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Elf Boy. But I believe it is your turn to read."

Glorfindel stopped and looked slowly at the others. They all nodded. He sighed dejectedly. "This is just not my day."

Sam, at this point, was getting nervous, for it was his turn next. If they wanted to drag this on by being so melodramatic, that was fine with him.

"And who is this? Isildur's heir? It takes more to make a king than a broken Elvish blade." The disgusting and crude Mouth of Sauron said.

Oddly enough, after meeting Arwen and Eowyn, Celeste and Starr were fully prepared for any horror they came upon.

"Then I caution you never to look in the mirror." Arwen said hotly.

Then the disgusting creature caught site of the 2 girls. "Ay, nay! Tis not true!"

"Smart Mouth of Sauron. He knows a Sue when he sees one." Sam smiled.

"Since when was he so polite with the way he spoke?" Legolas raised his eyebrows.

"Ah, you see, my dear Prince," Elrohir started. "Their unhealthily-shiny hair and unnaturally loud chests command the utmost respect!"

Starr rolled her eyez. She had sum things to tell this luser.

"Oh, she's going to tell him off now!" Elladan muttered cynically.

"This should be good." Eowyn grinned, rather viciously.

"First of all, get a better dental plan!"

Questioning looks.

"I believe she is referring to the state of his teeth," Aragorn proposed.

"Second of all, u r totally lying about Frodo cuz I know he can do it! So there!"

Everyone was silent, waiting for the rest of the repartee, but it never came.

"See, now, had that little speech been a few lines longer and written INTELLIGENTLY, that probably would have been a witty and stinging retort." Eomer said. now recovering his ability to talk.

Starr got a round of applause at this, and a cheer from the army behind herr. The mouth of Saron hung his head in shame.

"You humiliated me! Curse you!" Faramir mocked, shaking his fist and baring his teeth in order to appear more like the Mouth. He had now recovering his ability to talk.

Eomer stared at him. He was not alone. "I think I hit you on the head too hard."

"You think?"

Aragorn, regaining his courage, chopped off the creature's head.

"I guess that concludes negotiations," Celeste giggled, batting her eyelashes.

"LINE-STEALER!" Pippin and Gimli yelled in unison.

"I don't believe it. I won't. Starr and Celeste have given me new hope! Praise them!" Aragorn cried gratefully.

They blushed n winked at Aragorn.

"Tee hee." Faramir grinned, having to get his mockery in. However, it was still very weird to hear that from one of the manly men of Gondor, so the others stared at him like he was crazy.

"Have you gone nutters?" Merry asked frankly.

"It's entirely possible."

Eowyn rounded on her brother. "You've drove my spouse into insanity!"

"It's not my fault! It…slipped!" Eomer said decisively, finding an excuse and sticking to it.

The servant in the room who was cleaning up the shards gave a barely audible snort, and then clapped a hand over her mouth in horror, unable to believe she'd actually done that, before hurrying out.

Arwen smirked. "I guess that is proof enough of the flimsiness of that excuse."

Teh orcs came out, and there was a LOT of dem. Aragorn saw the men panicking, so he gave a speech, then had Starr and Celeste give one to, cuz they r sooo good at that.

Then the battle began.

"For Frodo."

"Those last two lines could PASS for quality writing, but that's kinda sad," Elrohir commented. "That out of this whole chapter—no, this whole STORY—that those were the only lines worth reading…"

"Well, I personally never had any high hopes for this story, so I have in no way been disappointed. Disgusted, maybe, but not disappointed…" Gimli disclosed.

" 'Disgusted' does not even BEGIN to cover it." Legolas answered.

TBC…