The O.C

A Life Half Lived

A/N: Sigh. I don't actually know what color Adam Brody's eyes are, so again, I took some liberties. Thanks so much for my reviews. I'm sorry that you all think this story is so sad and I am so sorry for what I'm going to do but I'm glad you're all still reading. It means more than you'll ever know. Please tell me if this is becoming too mushy or overdone. Happy reading! Genevra xxox

Somebody's Dark Angel: This Dr. Roberts isn't her father. Seth actually mentioned in an earlier chapter that Roberts was her maiden name. I don't know why I picked that name, it just came out.

Summary: "I don't look sick. I am sick."

Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!

Chapter Seventeen: Insanity

"She's beautiful," Marissa said.

"She is," Kirsten said, wiping a tear off her face.

"What did they end up calling her?" Ryan asked, leaning over to catch the first glimpse of his new niece. He had heard the 'Emily Leanne' versus 'Leanne Emily' debate a few too many times.

Something caught in Marissa's throat as she read the shiny pink placard over the infant's head.

"Emily Alexis Leanne Cohen," she said. She turned to Kirsten. "Did you know they were going to use our names?"

"No," Kirsten said with a smile. She had happy tears in her eyes.

"I did," Ryan sighed. "All I heard, every single time I went over there was 'Emily Leanne Cohen' or 'Leanne Emily Cohen?' I didn't realize they were going to put Summer's middle name in there too."

"I did it just in case something happens to Summer," Seth interrupted, as he entered the nursery. He sounded more tired than they had heard him sound in awhile. "You can pick her up if you want, Mum."

"Hey, honey," Kirsten said, looking up. She immediately turned her attention back to the pink bundle and picked it up gently. She sighed, blissfully, as she gazed down at her granddaughter. "Hello, gorgeous."

"How are you holding up, son?" Sandy asked, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. He tapped Kirsten on the shoulder. She turned to him and reluctantly handed the baby over, kissing her forehead first. "And by the way, congratulations. That's a beautiful little girl you've got there. She looks like me already."

"Dad, please don't scar her for life," Seth said. The whole group fell silent. A joke.

"How is she?" Marissa asked, her voice so soft that if he hadn't known her so well, if she wasn't family, he would have asked her to repeat herself. Sandy handed the baby over to her.

"Still asleep," he answered, as he watched Marissa cradling his child. Marissa didn't take her eyes off him as she held the baby close, just like a mother would, just like Summer would if she could. There was another silence.

"Can we see her?" Marissa asked, finally looking away. She blinked away the tears that had sprung to her eyes and even after, kept her eyes riveted on the mural painted wall so as not to see the despair in her friend's eyes. That was what killed her the most. Her own pain and suffering became insignificant when she saw what lingered beneath the surface of Seth's murky brown eyes.

"Yeah," he said. "Well, you can. Dr Galliano said she could have one visitor that wasn't me and I nominated you. I hope no-one else minds."

Everyone shook their heads. No one else really deserved that place. Summer and Marissa had been best friends nearly their entire life. No one loved her more and no one was loved more. Marissa smiled bravely as Seth led her out the room. She looked back and smiled again as if to re-assure everyone she was okay.

She wasn't. She was falling apart.

"Hey, Summer," Marissa said, taking a seat next to her best friend, her sister. She carefully and slowly laced her fingers through her best friend's frail hand. She looked peaceful as she slept. Marissa gazed at her friend, unsure of what to do, of what to say. Gingerly, she brushed a lock of Summer's unruly brown hair off her forehead. "So, I held Emily. She's beautiful. She looks just like you. Well, she has your mouth anyway and your nose. I think she's going to have your eyes too, which seems a bit unfair because Seth created her too. She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Thanks for calling her Emily. That's really sweet of you. Kirsten is thrilled. She's absolutely beaming. She's so proud of you and she thinks it so nice that you named your daughter after her. She didn't know why you would do that but I explained to her that she's like a mother to you. I guess she knows but it never hurts to reassure her."

Marissa felt uneasy. She didn't know what she should say or what she should do. She was fighting the impulse to break down, sob and leave salty tears all over her friend's pristine, white sheets. Instead, she gripped her hand harder and continued to talk. The words she spilt out seemed foreign and unusual to her, nothing she would ever say if she were lucid, if she were thinking clearly.

"Umm, the doctor's say that if you don't wake up in the next few days that they'll have to put you into an artificial coma. That means that they'll have to hook you up to about seven hundred different tubes and that you'll be fed liquid. Remember how we used to swear to each other that we would never become anorexic or bulimic because we hated the thought of only being fed liquid? Well, I need you to wake up because I can't have you break the promise."

Where were the words coming from? Where had Marissa gone? This didn't sound like her at all.

Months of being strong, of pretending to not care, months of stifling back the tears, months of keeping her thoughts in her head. Months of pain. They had changed her. She was temporarily out of her mind.

"I guess you technically wouldn't be breaking the promise because you don't have an eating disorder so I'm going to make you a new promise right here and now. You and I are going to promise each other that we'll never need to be hooked up to any tubes or be fed from a bag that doesn't require opening. Promise?" she asked, as she linked her pinky with Summer's. she squeezed it slightly and whispered. "Now you've promised. Now you have to wake up."

"Mrs. Atwood?" a voice called out. Marissa looked up at the man who had entered. No emotion crossed her face, nothing could be seen in her eyes. Shock, the woman reasoned. Realization.

"Yes," she replied, her voice flat as the nurse moved towards her.

"I just need to check Summer's vitals," she said. Marissa looked at her, unsure of what to do. "It's ok. You don't have to leave. I'll do it around you."

"Thanks," Marissa said, blankly. She reluctantly let go of Summer's hand. She sat in her seat and stared at the creases and folds of the sheets.

"All done," the nurse said, chirpily. "Everything's perfect."

Marissa nodded briefly and immediately reattached herself to Summer's hand. The nurse glanced at her sadly and then left the room.

"I hate seeing you like this," Marissa said. "I hate talking to you and not having you talk back. there is so much you and I haven't done yet. There is so much you and I need to talk about. We need to decide what Emily's going to wear to her Christening and we need to decide… other stuff," she said, her calm and emotionless façade breaking down. She began to cry. Huge sobs wracked her body as she wept. Her cries could be heard from outside the room. People walked past and held back their own tears as they listened to Marissa's cries. No, not cries. Wails. Screams. She was so lost in her grief, she didn't even have the dignity to wipe her face. Seth entered the room as Marissa's cries ceased. Watery snot ran down her face and mingled with the mascara she had carefully applied that morning. Her hair had come out of its ponytail. Her eyes were bloodshot and her skin unnaturally pale. She looked up at Seth and he understood. "I don't want her to die."

"Shh. Shh. It's ok," he said, walking over to her. "She's not going to die."

"I need her to live," Marissa sobbed. "I need her to live. I cant live without her."

Seth said nothing. he simply let her head fall onto his chest. He stroked her hair as she cried, softer now, but with no less feeling. He knew what was happening.

"I'm going insane," she whispered. She looked up at him, her big, blue eyes wild and scared. "I'm going crazy. I laughed when they told me and now, I'm crying. I don't even know what I'm saying."

"You are not going crazy," Seth said, choking over the words. The lump had grown in his throat and it was killing him. "You've just realized that she might die. You've just realized that she might be right, that this might be her time to go."

"I never really believed her," Marissa said, still whispering. Her head was pressed into Seth's stomach, as he stood next to her. She wasn't crying anymore but she still breathed in shuddery gasps, showing that she had cried long and she had cried hard. "I thought she was just pretending. She meant it."

Seth said nothing. Marissa said nothing. he pulled away and as one stood, one sat, their eyes traveled across the floor, across the bed, across the wall but their eyes never caught each others and never glanced at the figure in the bed. Never that. That would have killed them both.

"Can I just stay here with her for a minute more?" Marissa asked, her voice once again quiet. They had been quiet for fifteen minutes and Marissa was marginally calmer. "I just need to tell her one more thing."

"Ok," Seth said, a sharp pain shooting through his stomach. He squeezed Marissa's shoulder and left the room.

"I'm sorry," she began. "For breaking down like that. I'm so sorry you had to see me like that. I just want you to know that I love you so much. You're the closest friend I ever had. You're not even my friend, you're my sister. We all love you. Ryan, Sandy, Kirsten. Even Lexie. We love you so much that it's consumed us. We just want you to be okay. That's all we want. We want you to take what strength you have in you and fight. We need you to be alright because if you're okay, then we're okay. If you try to fight and you fail, that's ok because at least we know you tried but I want so much for you to wake up so we can at least say some proper goodbyes," she paused. "I'm sorry if what I'm saying is causing you pain. I think that would kill me. But I think it has to be said and that you'd want to hear it. Just remember that I love you now, I love you tomorrow and I will always love you."

She stood up and kissed Summer's forehead, her lips lingering on the creamy, pale skin. She pulled herself up and abruptly left the room.

Seth stood outside as he waited for Marissa to finish with his wife. He knew she was taking her time because the truth was, she didn't know when she would see her again. He was amazed with himself. Through his own grief, he had managed to comfort her.

He didn't know how he had done it. He didn't know how he could be strong for her when he was falling apart himself. He didn't know how he could leave his wife's side, either, but he did. A tiny part of himself thought Marissa was right. She was going crazy. But if she was right, it was true of him also. Their grief would unite them but it might wrench them from the real world. It might cause them to withdraw from the world completely and crawl into themselves. It was true of him. Marissa would have Ryan to pull her out but if Summer left, who would save him?

"How are you doing, man?" Ryan asked, coming up to him. he placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. Seth didn't move, didn't blink. "I know it's all crazy and you're probably sick of hearing this, but I'm here for you."

"Thanks," Seth said, with as much emotion as he could muster. "Marissa's still in there. She's, uh, she's pretty messed up. Everything's caught up with her. Just, take care of her. Summer and I are going to need her. We're going to need all of you."

Ryan simply nodded. he patted Seth's back again as the door to Summer's room opened. Marissa walked out. She caught Seth's eyes first and offered him a smile of thanks. She made to talk to him and then spotted Ryan standing next to Seth. She immediately turned and flung herself into Ryan's arms where she broke down again.

Where was her strength? Where had it gone?

She felt Ryan's arms around her. They tightened their grip on her and she felt a small sense of relief run through her wracked and broke body. There was her strength. Right here. Holding her in his arms.

Seth watched the couple for a moment and then turned away. He walked into his wife's room and sat by her bed. Where was his strength? Where had it gone?