The O.C
A Life Half Lived
A/N: So I did it. Wow. Review replies at the bottom. Sorry for the long wait. Happy reading! Genevra xxox
Summary: "I don't look sick. I am sick."
Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I affiliated with The OC. Sigh. I do however own any characters or scenarios you don't recognize. Yay!
Chapter Twenty: Eventually
It shouldn't have happened like that. Her death. It shouldn't have been quiet. She shouldn't have just slipped away like that. There should have been blood, guts, sirens. Not incessant beeps. Not the doctor's running in and shoving him out. Not a sense of calm and quiet. There should have been no peace. There should have been no quiet. It should have been chaos. It should have been-
Marissa came up to Seth and interrupted his thinking.
"Seth?" she asked tentatively as she placed a hand on his back. "Everyone was just wondering if you were ready to leave."
"Sure," he said, his face blank. His voice was, as was the norm lately, emotionless. He stayed standing in his spot, staring at Emily's empty cot. "Where's Emily?"
"Sandy took her to the car already," Marissa told him, giving him a strange look. Seth had carefully handed his precious newborn daughter over to Sandy just minutes before.
"He did?" Seth asked, ignoring Marissa's look or not noticing, she couldn't tell. he was in a funk, one that she could completely understand and was in actual fact jealous of. She resented him for being Summer's husband. He was allowed that privilege, of being allowed to just tune out of everything for a while and do nothing but nurse his broken heart. She was a mother, a wife. She had responsibilities. She wasn't allowed that luxury but oh, how she wanted it!
"Yes, Seth," she snapped slightly. The wounded look on his face made her cringe and she hated herself for not only acting that way but for thinking that way too. He had just lost everything he held dear and that meant that he had a right to be like this, to feel like this. She sighed and bent her head down for a nanosecond before raising her guilty and pleading eyes to him. "I'm so sorry, Seth. I guess I'm just tired and overwhelmed. The way she-"
He stopped. She stopped. She swallowed. He didn't flinch.
"What do you mean the way she…?" he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He didn't need to. She knew.
"She didn't exactly go in her sleep," Marissa pointed out, as she steered Seth out the door. She wore an expression that combined confusion and determination with a little bit of grief worry and sympathy thrown in on her face. She was determined to get her and Seth out of the hospital and to get him back to normal.
"What are you talking about?" he said, stopping in his tracks. Marissa walked a few feet before realizing he'd stopped. She turned around and opened her mouth before closing it.
"Let's just get you home, ok?" she said finally, grabbing his arm and leading him towards the front doors. They walked wordlessly together in utter silence. There steps were in sync and they could feel people's eyes on them. Newport's elite were all here having their required monthly check ins with drug and alcohol counselors, plastic surgeons and the like. They had made it a ritual to always book in together so afterwards they could go out and celebrate with bottles of champagne and a spot of cocaine. Summer couldn't have picked a worse day to die. The group watched wordlessly as Marissa and Seth left the hospital together, their eyes red and swollen.
"We're going to be the topic of the month," Marissa said, as they exited though the gleaming glass doors. Seth didn't say anything as he walked towards the parked Jeep. Kirsten caught Marissa's eye and threw a questioning look towards her son. Marissa shrugged and looked away to find her own car. Ryan pulled up behind the Cohen's Jeep in a dark blue Porsche. Marissa caught Kirsten's eye again. "We'll meet you back at your place. I just have to drop Lexie off at my Dad's first."
"K, honey," Kirsten replied, watching as Seth silently crawled into the backseat. Sandy offered him a sympathetic smile before climbing into the driver's seat. "We'll see you there."
Marissa waved at Sandy and then softly at Seth before climbing into the front seat next to her husband. She automatically leant over and kissed Ryan on the lips.
"Eww," Alexis shrieked from the backseat, covering her eyes. "Mummy, that's gross!"
"One day you're going to feel the same way about someone," Marissa said, rolling her eyes.
"Don't say that," Ryan said, in mock aghast. "Don't teach my baby bad things like that. Lex, if any guy wants to do that to you, you tell Daddy and he'll take care of it."
"Silly Daddy," Lexie laughed. "You can't take care of him."
Marissa rolled her eyes before turning up the radio and switching the speakers to the backseat so that Alexis would be occupied until they reached her father's house. She loved her daughter but her best friend had died and she wasn't exactly in the mood to banter with her child. Ryan's hand rested on Marissa's leg as the pulled up to a red light. She instinctively turned to him and offered him a sad smile.
"You ok?" he asked, brushing her cheek with his hand. She tilted her head so the side of her face rested in his hand briefly. He patted her cheek again and ran a finger down her nose before his hand came to rest on the steering wheel and he peeled away from the traffic lights and towards Jimmy's.
"I'm more worried about Seth at the moment," she answered honestly. "I mean, yes, my heart is broken and I'm devastated but it's almost like for the last six months, I've just been waiting for this moment to happen and now that it's happened, I can cry and then get over it. And it will take time, but I will. I don't mean that I'll forget her or that it'll stop hurting because it won't but I mean, eventually, it wont be the focus of my every thought. But that won't happen for Seth. Her death will occupy him for the rest of his life. It will be the basis of every decision he makes, every idea he has, every thought that crosses his mind."
"I know," Ryan agreed. "But you knew that would happen. And I'm not saying it's wrong to be concerned because it is. I'm telling you, he isn't going to want your help. He isn't even going to want to see us for awhile."
"You're so smart," Marissa said, rolling her eyes. Ryan didn't need to look at her to know that tears were welling up in her eyes again or that she felt guilty that she was able to joke with her husband when their entire world had just stopped. "If it was you, Ry, I don't know what I'd do."
"Riss, I'm not going to leave you anytime soon." That was all he had time to say. That was all he needed to say.
They pulled into Jimmy's driveway and honked three times. Lexie let herself out of the car and went around to her mother's side first.
"Why are you crying, Mummy? Because of Summer?" she asked, kissing Marissa's tear-sodden cheek.
"Yes, baby," Marissa said, returning the kiss. "I love you, baby. Be good for Grandpa. And call Grandma's if anything goes wrong, k?"
"K, Mummy," Lexie chimed. "Love you too. And stop crying, Mummy. It makes me sad when you do."
She skipped around to her father's side and repeated the same goodbye routine they had performed since she was younger. Jimmy stuck his head in Marissa's window.
"Thanks for looking after her, Dad," she said.
"anytime," he replied. He kissed her cheek and then pulled back and brushed a stray hair behind her ear. "I'm so sorry, kiddo."
"Thanks," she said, her voice barely a whisper. It was practically a breath. Jimmy waved at Ryan who lifted a hand in greeting.
"So, pick her up whenever you want," he said. He hit the side of the car lightly and stepped away. "Give Seth my condolences."
Marissa nodded and waved as Ryan reversed and made his way towards his teenage home.
"Ryan," Marissa said, suddenly. "There's something else I need to tell you."
"What?" he asked, in concern. "About who?"
"Seth," she said. "For starters, he completely forgot that Sandy had already taken her to the car and then we were talking about how Summer… you know… and it seemed like he'd forgotten. I even said to him, 'it's not like she went in her sleep.'"
"Oh, Marissa," Ryan said, chastising her slightly for her momentary lack of tact.
"I know it wasn't the best thing to say but he just looked at me weirdly and said, 'What do you mean?' Ryan, I don't think he remembers how Summer died."
"How could he forget?"
"Maybe he's suffering from traumatic amnesia or maybe he's just blocked it out, I don't know. Maybe he's even pretending that's how it happened. Again, I don't know but it scares me," she told him in a quick burst. Her voice grew desperate towards the end. "I can handle him walking around like his world's fallen apart but this scares me. He's not going to go to a psychologist. I just don't know what to do."
"I think he remembers," Ryan said, sounding like an old pro. "He's trying to forget it. it's like he's built a wall around those few hours of his life."
"Then we just have to-"
"Let him work around it," Ryan interjected quickly. He saw Marissa's shocked face and he shook his head, not backing down. "I know he's your friend but Seth is my brother and I know that if we push him, it'll make it worse. He might even run away again. He's capable of anything. We have to let him work through this himself or he'll resent us. I know you know that."
"How can we do that, Ryan?" she asked, breaking into a new flood of tears. He pulled the car into the Cohen's driveway and turned the engine off before pulling Marissa into his arms. Her pain ate into him and he found himself crying. He wasn't crying for Summer. He knew from experience that when people died, you didn't cry for them, you cried for yourself and for the people around you who had to live without that person.
This would almost be worse for them than not having Summer around. Watching Seth walk through his haze of pain and possibly self-destruction and not being able to do a thing to help, not being able to lift an inch of the pain. Eventually, he would come to them. Eventually, they could heal him. Eventually, they would heal themselves. But for now, husband and wife sat together, hugging awkwardly over the console of the car, sobbing for themselves and for their friends. There was nothing else they could do.
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A/N: After re-reading it, I think that my author's note last chapter was a little dramatic but I wasn't sure how people would react. As a few people have said, it would have been a cop out if she hadn't died. Wow. just re-reading that sentence has shown me how real this story has come. When my friend died nearly two years ago, for ages after, we referred to her as 'she' or 'her' because using her name was too painful. I couldn't write Summer just then. How weird! I just wanted to take the opportunity to say thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed this. It means the world and I am very very grateful. I don't know how many more chapters this story will have but be assured, this isn't the end.
Clara: Yes, she was based on Bailey, lol. I wasn't sure if anyone would pick up on that but it turns out you did. What can I say? Australians rock! Thanks so much for your comments, sweetie. I guess you could say I've had my fair share of grief and I have no problem telling people anything so that's probably why I write it so well. And your story already does that to me so I cant see why the next chapter won't. I'm waiting for it! Thanks again. xxox
Lil Aussie Alias Chick: I think you signed off on a different and shorter name once but I cant find that review so until then it's a long name for you. OMG! ALIAS IS COMING BACK SOMETIME THIS MONTH! I was screaming and yelling and quite frankly, genuinely over the moon. It's sick, how happy I was. Thanks so much for my review, btw. xxox
Yelly-belly: First of all, how is your friend? I really hope she's able to hang on just a little bit longer. That would mean so much to everyone. Believe me, I know. Sweetie, I'm sorry in a way that you lost it. I mean, I'm quite honoured that you cried at my work but I cant get it into my head that it's not me that makes people cry, its my writing, lol. Since you've turned out to good at predicting before, I'll tell you this. This chapter Seth is ok with Emily but soon he won't want her around. By the way, I'm really glad you like my story and thanks for the continued support.
Paige-fan: First of all, thanks for your continuing support and reviews. I completely understand your viewpoint. I will say this but, it was written like that for a reason (and I don't mean to be under dramatic.) Just read next chapter and, tell me honestly if you're still disappointed. I have alluded to the fact that Summer's death wasn't actually as simple as just falling asleep and not waking up.
adambrody10: You know how you can't believe it happened? I can't believe I wrote it and yet, I did. I guess it had to happen. As everyone keeps saying, it would be a cop out if I hadn't but it's going to be hard writing without her. Thanks for the reviews!
'Yes, I am evil… oh well!': Or should I say Sarcastic? By far the most interesting and bizarre review I've ever received. My question is this, why should I leave you a question?
Sarah: I'm sorry but she can't come back. it doesn't work like that. It will be weird without her but, won't it? I promise there'll still be banter. You will survive!
pink-digi: Aren't you sweet? I hope I do go places, lol. And I'm both honoured and upset that I reduced you to tears but mostly honoured because you say it's the first fic that's done so.
Riley313: Omega. There is no way that he ever would remarry and no way that I will write it. I told yelly-belly this but I'm telling you too. Seth does love Emily and he wants her around now but the time will come when he won't want her there. He will come back around eventually. Swear. It's funny. I have the last chapter planned, I just don't know how I'm going to get there.
Ansy Pansy aka Panz: Aren't you a clever clogs? There was indeed a gap but I guess now you can see why. I was actually quite surprised someone mentioned that but glad. I was hoping people would.
Mernie: I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I tell you what, I'll try and think of a happy story and I'll write it and we'll see if you're forgiveness comes quicker.
ukbabes: No words? Oh dear. As I said, I agree, it does feel empty without her but that's what losing someone you love makes you feel like. We'll just have to suffer through it too.
Somebody's Dark Angel: Yeah, the title did make it obvious, didn't it? I thought it would but apparently not.
Dsmooth321: Was that an angry review or shocked? Either way, sorry, but it had to happen.