Don't let them make up your mind

Harry listened to the slow beating of Draco's heart. He felt Draco's chest heave simultaneously with his deep breathing. Draco was asleep, but Harry wasn't. He was wide awake. And the intense feeling of wholeness and the calm serenity was fading, and turning into dread.

There was no doubt about it anymore. Harry had never felt so connected to anyone. Harry had thought he could handle it. And he had been right, in a way. He could handle the sex, but he couldn't handle the emotions, the trust and the belonging. Everything had changed when Draco had pushed into him the first time.

How could he have been so stupid? He had wanted it so bad and he hadn't thought about the consequences. He hadn't even known about the consequences. He had never imagined he would be feeling this way. And the familiar feeling of fear settled into his heart. Right now, the thought of giving Draco up was scaring him more than the thought of facing Voldemort.

An involuntary shiver coursed through his body, and he silently removed himself from Draco. He reached for his glasses and put them on before he settled on his back. He didn't want to wake the blonde, who really didn't get enough sleep as it was. He stared at the ceiling and sighed.

"Are you all right?" came from his side. So he had waken the slytherin.

Harry didn't say anything, he just nodded at the ceiling.

"Did I hurt you?" Draco asked gently.

Harry shook his head, but then corrected himself. "Well, it hurt some in the beginning" he explained to the ceiling. "But it was okay, because it was you."

"I'm glad it was me" Draco said softly and Harry finally turned his head to face the slytherin. Harry just looked at the blond boy; his face, his hair, his soft skin and lips.

Harry smiled a bit. "Yeah, it was special" he admitted before turning his head again towards the ceiling. He didn't know what to do and what to say. With every word and every look, he felt like he was going under. He was drowning in everything that was Draco Malfoy, and a big part of himself was cheering for him to let go, to drown.

Harry felt Draco move closer on the bed and soft lips were pressed against his shoulder.

"You're special" the slytherin murmured, before kissing his cheek gently. Harry smiled and closed his eyes at the contact. He had never had anyone murmuring sweet stupidities in his ear before.

"There is nothing special about me besides the scar" he assured the blonde, who was now breathing in the scent of his neck.

Draco pulled back a bit to look at the gryffindor lying on his back, covered with sheets and ignoring his gaze. He threw his other leg over Harry's body and straddled the boy. Harry chuckled a bit at the naked creature sitting on his tummy.

Draco slowly leaned forward and crossed his arms on Harry's chest. He pretended to be studying something. The he reached his hand and pushed Harry's glasses up to rest on his forehead.

"Maybe, but you can get away with a lot with those eyes" he finally said.

Harry furrowed his brows. "What?"

"They're striking." Draco seemed to almost be talking to himself.

Harry was starting to feel nervous about someone staring so intently at him when Draco spoke again. "I don't get it" he complained. "They're all normal, basically. Eye-lids, lashes et cetera, but yet..." Draco looked closer. "There is something special about them. Maybe it's the color. They're vividly green, yet somehow multicolored..." he went on.

Draco snapped out of some kind of trance. "And I guess it made me feel special whenever you would look at me, even though I really didn't like you back then." Draco was now looking Harry in the eyes, not at his eyes. "I could see the hate in your eyes. You were so easy to get riled up. And the results could be seen in your eyes instantly. I liked it."

"Made you feel powerful?" Harry asked quietly.

"You don't look at me like that anymore" Draco said almost sadly, without answering Harry's question.

Harry frowned, trying to figure out what the blonde meant. "Like I hate you?"

"Like you give a damn" Draco answered after a moment. "Now you look at me with mild interest or mild amusement. Like you could be somewhere else and looking at someone else, just as easily."

Harry sighed and smiled sadly. 'It couldn't be any further from the truth' he thought to himself. He couldn't see himself with anybody else.

"I guess I'd rather I could be somewhere else, just as easily" he quietly admitted.

Draco didn't say anything at first. "What?" He pulled up frowning. "You want to be somewhere else?" he asked, looking like he really didn't understand the words coming out of Harry's mouth.

Harry put his glasses back on. 'I didn't say that' he thought, confused. 'Did I say that?' he thought as he watched Draco climb off of him and sit on the bed, looking at him, rejected. He gave up on trying to remember what he had said. Looking at Draco was just too heart-braking.

He sat up and was just about to wow that there was no place he'd rather be, when a small voice popped into his head. 'It's now or never' it told him.

He looked at the slytherin, sitting naked on the bed, looking so warm and beautiful, and he made his decision.

"I think we're both better off if we don't get too attached" Harry said quietly and climbed off the bed.

He picked up his boxers and glanced at the blonde. His heart was aching. "Come on Draco. We knew this couldn't last." He pulled his trousers on with a hurry. The walls were closing in on him.

"At least I always knew I would eventually have to give you away" he said and started putting his shirt on, turning his back at Draco to hide the tears that were threatening to fill his eyes. "You still have that pure-blooded girl to marry and I have... other engagements."

"But that's not..." Harry heard Draco dispute. "We'll deal with it later. Just forget it for now."

Harry finally turned around, and pulled his jumper over his head.

"You want to be with someone else..." Draco said with a strange, detached voice.

Harry met Draco's accusing gray eyes, and knew he couldn't allow the slytherin to believe he was doing this because he wanted to be with someone else. He went to put on his shoes and said quietly "No" without looking at Draco.

"But you said-" Draco began.

Harry straightened himself up, shoving his tie and socks in his pockets. "Look" he interrupted, looking at Draco in the eyes. "Keep yourself safe, Draco. Your life is precious."

He went to pick up his robe. "And you can choose your future. You're lucky to have that choice."

He rushed to the door and opened it hastily. Then he came to halt and just stood still. Finally he turned slowly around and looked at the boy on the bed. "Don't let the bastards grind you down" he whispered and the tears in his eyes finally fell. And he left.

Title of the chapter from Girl, you'll be a woman by Neil Young

'I always knew I would eventually have to give you away' was inspired by I'm like a bird by Nelly Furtado

'Don't let the bastards grind you down' is from the song Acrobat by U2 from the album Achtung Baby. I have used this song before, and I guess it's my favorite U2 song. I really like it's message (and the drums). And that phrase I quoted now, I really think everybody should have someone, may it be a family-member, a friend or a lover, who'll tell them that, when life is really kicking in the head. Don't let those bastards grind you down!

To Kyogera: Noted. :)

To fallen-angel-of-repression: Thank you for reviewing, as always. Hmm, maybe you're right and I'm just making a storm in a tea cup for my own amusement. I'm not completely comfortable with the idea of putting a warning in the beginning of a chapter, though. I really don't like giving anything away in advance... :)