REDEMPTION WITHOUT YOU
A certain priest was slamming doors open and stomping around the outside corridors of his kondo. It was four in the morning, but he was wide awake and vigorously yelling for servants. His golden bangs were absorbing the sweat perspiring through his temples from his strenuous walk. Twenty-eight years old, and he was already acting like a grumpy old man. The heels of his black leather boots were beginning to leave marks on the wooden floor with each crushing stomp. A few minutes later, three bald acolytes dressed in simple beige robes scurried to his aid at the bottom of the steps.
With his back turned to them, Sanzo stopped his stampede. "Bring him here to me now."
From the tone of his voice, they did not bother asking why. "Y-yes, Master Sanzo."
As soon as the acolytes left, Sanzo leaned on the pillar opposite the steps, reached into the folds of his sleeve, and retrieved his gold lighter and cigarette. He could give a shit about temple rules. He was never the type to abide by them, so what difference would it make now? Pressing the cigarette between his lips, he sipped the sweet therapeutic contents and slowly exhaled it while tilting his head back and shutting his eyelids. He stood there for a good while and opened his eyes, staring off into the distance and reflecting on the issue he has suffered for a long time now.
It's been eight years since their fated encounter. Three years since their journey to the West ended. And two years since Hakkai decided to go off on his own, only stopping by to visit a few times a year. And the interval between each visit lasted a couple of months.
He was tired. Tired and annoyed of this stifling relationship he shared with Hakkai. He endured it for two years, which was more than he normally would have. To be honest, he actually wanted his relationship with Hakkai to grow. Into what, he was still perplexed about. But friendship wasn't enough for the high priest.
When Hakkai suddenly disappeared, everyone was so worried and thoroughly searched for him for two weeks straight. They were beyond relief to get a letter from Hakkai explaining that he spontaneously decided to backpack across the continent, and that he couldn't tell them because he left while everyone was asleep. But still. How could he just leave without a word? He had the audacity to scare them shitless and later make them feel unwanted. Why would he journey alone? Didn't he want at least one companion with him?
"At least he still visits us," was Goku's reasoning. Tch. So what if he visited us? For the past two years, that was the only thing he did.
His eyes reacted to the interlopers coming from his left when he heard their shuffling footsteps. After disposing of his cigarette with the heel of his boot, he walked across to the top of the kondo steps. Sanzo observed how the acolytes dragged Hakkai and forcefully pushed him down into a kneeling position. He frowned once he saw the thick metal that bound Hakkai's wrists together in front.
Unfortunately, someone discovered that Hakkai was Cho Gonou. How that person found out is a mystery beyond comprehension. Word eventually got around, and many towns now knew Hakkai's original identity. Goku mentioned that while he was grocery shopping with Hakkai, people gave him scared and dirty looks. Some ran away from them. Some didn't even try to hide how disgusted they were of him. Just a few moments ago, Sanzo got a little demonstration of how Hakkai has been treated over the year. Of all people, Hakkai was the last person who deserved to be handcuffed.
"Release him."
The acolytes stared in disbelief at their superior. Has he forgotten that this man was once the murderer of two demon clans? Wiping out four humans would be nothing to him. "But, Master-"
"Do it." The bitter tone was so natural.
The three looked at each other for an answer. They were torn between obeying their master and refusing to do so for everyone's safety. One shook his head in disapproval while the other shrugged from indecision. Choosing the former, it took a large amount of will power for the third acolyte to kneel down and insert the key into the lock.
The key twisted, the lock clicked, and Hakkai's arms limply fell to his sides. Tired of kneeling, he leaned back sitting between his lower legs and slouching down a bit. The fact that he appeared to be apathetic about the whole situation aggravated Sanzo. He wanted nothing more than to whip out his Smith & Wesson and shoot him a decent number of grazes.
"Now leave us."
Before they could even pronounce a syllable, their eyes were met with fearsome amethyst ones, as if daring them to argue against him again. Their protesting reflexes were getting on Sanzo's last nerves. This time he wanted to aim his gun at the acolytes and lethally shoot them.
They finally bowed and walked away. It was a slow pace, at first, with a few backward glances to reassure themselves that their master would be safe.
Once they were gone, Sanzo brought his attention back to his main target. Anyone who had laid eyes upon him now would be deceived by his criminal record. Spiritually, Hakkai looked as if his soul had been drained out of him. He grew paler but still looked healthy. His chocolate hair was in its natural messy state, and he was in good physical shape. Judging by his attire (a loose long-sleeved black shirt and boot-cut tan pants), Hakkai did not look like he was forced out of bed. He was actually getting ready to leave. Without warning. Again.
"Why did you distance yourself from us?" Sanzo went straight to the point. Two years of held silence and indifferent facades were more than enough to strangle and berate Hakkai senseless. "We've known each other for gods know how many years, and you still manage to surprise us."
Hakkai remained silent. Didn't even bother to look at him. It was palpable that Sanzo wasn't going to get his long-awaited response so easily. Sanzo gazed at the full moon in deep contemplation. He had been waiting for this moment for so long that it's a bit unbelievable that it's finally here. He didn't exactly plan out this confrontation. It was pure impulse. So naturally, he had no idea what to do post-confrontation. How was he going to formulate his thoughts and anger into words? So many thoughts and questions were running through his mind that he almost forgot his purpose. Sanzo realized that nothing had been spoken for a couple of minutes now.
"A king," Hesitation, "once said, that, 'Anger provokes an angry response for most of us. But he who smiles when angry and frowns when he should smile is a man hard to fathom.' "
Unspoken words lingered in the air, waiting to be heard by the intended receiver.
"I never did understand why you lived with that good-for-nothing womanizer for two years." None of this made sense. "It was obvious to me that you could have managed alone." Not a single one. "I never did understand why you happily obliged to work for the Three Aspects and took up most of the responsibility on the trip." Why was everything suddenly confusing? "Or why you even came with us in the first place. And leaving so easily, too."
The last thought refueled his anger. He redirected his glare to the younger man below him.
"Answer me, Hakkai." Patience was thinning. "Don't tell me that you went on a two year meditation because you wouldn't be visiting us every couple of months. I want the truth, Hakkai. What is it? Did we annoy you? Were we unworthy of your friendship? Did you just want to travel more? Whatever the goddamn reason is, tell me! I didn't hunt you down, bring you to the Three Aspects, and-"
Then it hit him. The reason why he lived with Gojyo for two years. The reason why he willingly accepted all the jobs the Three Aspects assigned to Sanzo. The reason why he took on the mother and guardian role on their journey west. Everything. Everything made complete sense to him.
"Was that it, Hakkai?" Fear was growing inside him. "Did you pretend to be my friend because you felt obligated to?" Anger rising at an incredible speed. "Because I saved your FUCKING LIFE!"
His voice boomed over the temple grounds. The quiet tune the night always sings ceased. Silence froze the atmosphere. All the while, Sanzo noticed that Hakkai was unaffected by his accusation. He didn't even flinch. He just sat there staring at the earthy ground with an indifferent but anguished countenance. Was his silence some sort of implication? Were Sanzo's false assumptions actually…the truth?
"That's the reason why, isn't it." His heart was aching.
I trusted you
"All this time." Aching at this daunting realization.
and relied on you
"All those rainy nights," The realization that a relationship beyond friendship was impossible.
at times like a brother and at times like a teacher.
"All those times you risked your life for me," And that there never was anything to begin with.
You never overstepped your boundaries as a faithful servant.
"You never once saw me as a friend, did you?" The time he wanted to finally break down his walls, the walls grew thicker. The one person he wanted to open up to closed on him. "Just a fucking savior whom you owe your life to," he mumbled.
At a safe distance, you calmed me,
"Eight years," of an illusion.
steered me
"Eight years and still NOTHING!"
tested me.
Sanzo just stood there with his death glare in check. He was in denial about this realization. "Well, I'm not waiting anymore." Still no response. He couldn't understand why he was still waiting for one. It was out of character. "I've had enough of this."
With that said, he abruptly pivoted to his right and briskly walked away. He wasn't going to look back. He had nothing more to say. He was never going to forgive him. He was going to erase him from his memories.
"All those things you said about me…"
Sanzo's retreating footsteps unwillingly came to a halt.
If I asked you to spare my life because I want to live
How foolish of him to let a couple of words control him. Did he not just decide to forget Hakkai ever existed a few seconds ago? And yet here he was urgently waiting for him to continue speaking. All because of an incomplete sentence. No plea. No threat. No sudden outburst. No grabbing of the wrist. Just the simple projection of Hakkai's voice was enough of an impact to make his heart skip a few beats.
"Are they your real perceptions about me," His voice. So quiet and rusty. As if it was the first time he spoke in years, "or were you just venting?"
Once again, his words struck him like a bullet to the chest. Leave it to Hakkai to know the exact buttons to push.
Sanzo slowly turned his body to the left. He didn't want to turn around, but he did. He didn't want to see a certain brunette,
would you?
but he did. No matter how long he waited for him. No matter how angry he was at him. No matter how much he hated him right now, he would always lower his pride for Hakkai, and only Hakkai. And that was one bad habit he couldn't break.
"Is that a rhetorical question." The bitterness was still there.
Hakkai kept silent for awhile. His gaze never left the ground. "Do you honestly believe that I am the type of person to intentionally deceive others?"
He knew how wrong he was, but his statements were clouded by anger. Sanzo was beginning to regret everything he said.
"Never in my life would I ever feign something so fragile and valuable."
Just beginning to.
"Sanzo, you…weren't just my savior. Whenever it was raining, you were the only person I felt comfortable with. We didn't even have to say anything to each other."
If I told you that I have not for a single moment betrayed you
"We could just sit in complete silence, and it'd be fine that way. I felt so much closer to you than anyone else in the group, even though I lived with Gojyo for two years."
His words. Words of comfort. Words he didn't think he desperately needed to hear.
"He will always be my best friend and someone who I also owe my life to. But he cannot be compared to you."
and that I, too, have held you in my heart as a friend and a brother
"I saw you as my real savior, a friend honestly like no other, an irreplaceable companion. And maybe,"
would you believe me?
"even more than that."
Sanzo's eyes shot open. The last statement was so unexpected. From the way he said those words, his heart melted. His only concern was that he hoped that Hakkai meant it the way he wanted it to mean. Sanzo's glare now softened. Hakkai…
"When I was renamed as Cho Hakkai, you guys gave me a reason to live. You made me want to live, not just for anyone, but for myself." Pause. "Ever since we began our journey to the West, I had always hoped that our journey would never end. That we would always be together."
"Then why did you leave us?" What he really wanted to ask was: Why did you leave me? "Why did you even bother going on that journey if you were just going to abandon us in the end."
"Because," He let out a tired sigh. "I was allowed to."
Sanzo was genuinely confused. " 'Allowed to?' "
There was a momentary lapse of silence. "Would you want to see a criminal smile and laugh?" Sanzo didn't know how to respond to that because if he looked at it objectively, then he'd be supporting Hakkai's argument. "I didn't deserve to live, but I was given it. So when the Three Aspects chose me to accompany you, I felt like I was allowed to have friends. I was allowed to smile and laugh. I was allowed to be happy. But now it's over."
This is absurd.
"I was more than fortunate to experience a four year journey filled with priceless memories."
How can you believe that?
His lips started to form a smile, "Sometimes I wish another demon would plot to take over the world again," but dropped back down as soon as it attempted to. "Just so that I could be with you guys."
Sanzo was annoyed of Hakkai's pessimistic views. He was always optimistic about everything else except himself. "Will you stop beating yourself up? You know that-"
"Sanzo, please. Don't try to defend me when you and I both know that what I did could never be justified." Sanzo was a little taken aback by Hakkai's faintly annoyed tone. "Didn't you see the petrified look on those acolytes' faces? I see those expressions everyday." He could tell that Hakkai was recalling horrible experiences. "And I would never want anyone to share the burden of being looked upon with such hatred and fear. I, alone, must bear that punishment."
Punishment! How could Sanzo have missed that factor?
"After all, I slaughtered more than a thousand demons." Hakkai's gaze shifted from the ground in front of him to his thighs. He slightly shook his head in shame. "And what's worse is that I did it out of my own free will."
Never once did he ever blame anyone else for his crimes, not even the demons who kidnaped and raped his loved one. He blamed himself for lacking the premonition that Kanan was in danger. Even until now, Hakkai was searching for his deserved penalty. Searching for a punishment worse than a lifetime of suffering.
The sun was hesitantly eliciting its rays on to the earth. The stars had already dimmed, and the night blue sky was fading into a clear cerulean shade. The sunrise was to Sanzo's left, and the effect it made on Hakkai left Sanzo in awe. The light shone on Hakkai's right as his shadow extended on the opposite direction. Although they weren't looking at each other, Sanzo admired how the light accentuated his emerald eyes.
Sanzo leisurely made his way down the steps and towards Hakkai. He knelt down on one knee in front of him and just stared at him for a few moments. He didn't know what to say. What words could he use to convince Hakkai that he deserved so much more? What words could convince him to stay? And even if he did find the words, Sanzo could never tell him how much he needed him. Look at me, Hakkai.
He placed his right hand on Hakkai's left shoulder. "We can still be together, Hakkai." He really didn't know what else to say. " 'Free of everything, you are bound by nothing.' " He was thinking so many things, but he could not voice any of them out. "You don't need permission from anyone, not even the gods themselves, to be with us." Voice out what he really wanted to say.
Sanzo reflected on what Hakkai said earlier about sitting together in silence. Most of the time they didn't need words to communicate with each other. Their bond was so strong that they knew what the other was thinking. But what about now? Is there still a chance to renew and strengthen that bond? Especially when not once during this entire conversation did Hakkai meet his gaze. Please.He was growing desperate. Look at me. Hope was diminishing at an intense rate. "Right?" His voice almost cracked from the building emotions he was not accustomed to feeling.
Sanzo still did not receive any kind of response. His head turned to the left, averting his eyes from seeing the possible rejection in Hakkai's countenance. Half his life he spent on protecting himself from attachment, and he should have continued doing so. He berated himself for even attempting to save a friendship. Hope had disappeared and would never return.
The hand resting on Hakkai's shoulder was beginning to slide off. Before gravity could shoot it down, Hakkai firmly grabbed his hand and returned it to its original place. Heartbeats paused and amethyst orbs shot open. Sanzo felt his hand tremble, but it was coming from the body opposite his. He still wasn't met by emerald eyes, and Sanzo had the urge to cup his chin and face it towards him. He eagerly waited for an explanation but yearned more for Hakkai to say that he will stay with him. Hakkai squeezed his hand and simply nodded.
And Sanzo understood.