Please read this -
I don't know if I'm getting the point across with this story but SUICIDE IS BAD! It doesn't solve anything and it only leaves pain behind. Cutting doesn't solve anything either. All it does is hurt the people who care about you (and yes someone somewhere cares about you). This will come into play later but I just want everyone to know this.
If your feeling suicidal TALK to someone you trust. It will be worth it.
I know or most all of you think I'm crazy putting that up there but it needs to be said. I keep thinking this story might be broadcasting suicide and cutting as positive things. They're NOT!
Okay that's it for now. I hope you like the update. It's a little longer than normal.
Disclaimer- I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. I do own Ami, Koji and Daisuke…. I'm going to have to write a happy ending story for them….
Blood red roses chapter 6
For a moment he just stood there in shock. He had cut. He'd watched his blood pour out of his arm. He had felt desperate enough to do it. He hadn't done it for attention, oh no, he'd done it for the opposite reason. To escape. To be free.
Like him.
I'm like him. We killed people with out blinking. Separated mothers and children. Defiled young girls. Destroyed dreams. Sure, there were decades between the crimes but they were still just as wrong. And they were still going on.
For some odd reason he was reminded of a journal entry he'd made months before.
04
It's still happening. No matter what it's still going on. People are still doing it. Every day. Why can't they see it? Why couldn't I see it?
Why am I rambling you may ask. What is the point of this rant? Koji Honda
Who is he? A young boy from my school. He's small and skinny. His hair never seems to lay flat and his glasses are the kind that look like magnifying glasses. He's easily picked on. Girls even seem to go out of their way to make him miserable.
Up until lately I've ignored him. I've never done anything to him but I've never stooped it either. But today…I was walking home from school a few days ago and I heard someone yell. Not really a scream, but a cry none the less. I walked ahead towards the noise. It was coming from an ally. I heard Koji's voice. I should have none what was going on. But for some odd reason I was clueless. That's why I was so stunned when I looked in the ally. They (some local bullies) were holding him against a wall, punching his stomach and face. He wasn't crying, or even moving. He knew he couldn't fight them. He'd just given up hope.
Then they stopped. They'd taken his wallet and thrown his books across trash and puddles that seemed to cover the area. I could have stopped them but I didn't do anything. It was like I'd gone in to shock. Memories were rushing through my head. How many times had I done this to some other innocent victim? Or had done worse?
They stood there sand waited for him to gather his things, or maybe plead for his money back . It wasn't bad enough that they'd physically destroyed him. No they wanted to humiliate him to. But Koji….. God this hard to write, just looked at them and said " One day your gonna pay for this. Your going to want me to forgive you. One day you'll say your sorry. Hey, but then it'll be to late. And by then boys, your going to be screwed. One day soon….. your going to be sorry."
Three days later Koji killed himself.
That was the last straw. It wasn't really anything different from every other day. I'm sure worse had been done to him., but for some reason that was it. He couldn't take it anymore. He got out.
I wondered what drove him to do it. What gave him the courage? I wanted to know so being the curious fox that I am, I went to the wake. God what possessed me to do that! What was I thinking?
His mother read the suicide note. Some said it was disrespectful. But it's what Koji wanted. He wanted the to know what had been done to him..
Dear Mom,
I'm really sorry to do this to you but I have to. I can't take anymore. I know it'll be hard but you and Eri will be better off. Really.
I know how hard it was for you after dad died. I know how you cry at night when you think we're asleep. Mom please forgive me but you don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and not like the person you see. Or even worse not know the person.
That's what every day was like for me.
Every day school was torture. It seemed like every one was against me. Even the teachers. They'd see some of the popular students making my life a living hell and just turn their backs. They were supposed to stop it!
Oh but if the teachers were bad the students were a hundred times worse. I lost count of how many times I was cornered by bullies. Or not even bullies but well geeks! Kids who were as low on the totem poll as I was. It seemed like everyone was against me and there was nothing I could do…
Everyday was a nightmare. Just waking up was hard let alone going to school. It was so hard mom. Having to hide my bruises and scrapes from you. Having Eri came home in tears 'cause some one had made fun of her brother. I was so afraid some one would hurt her because of me. You see everything will be so much better and easier when I'm gone.
I guess you want to know what made me lose it. What finally made me give up. It was just a few days ago, I was walking home from school and some guys cornered me. I didn't fight them, by then I knew it was no use. I let them shove me into so ally off the street. So I was in there doing the best I could not to cry while some guys beat the crap out of me and I looked up. Some guy from school was standing there just staring at me! He was one of the popular ones. The kind that girls like and guys envy. I know he could have done something, but he didn't. He could have stopped them but he didn't… Guys like him make me sick! They don't have to work for anything. Their lives are perfect
That's two people I've driven to suicide. I don't deserve to live.
An hour later he attempted suicide….
It didn't work obviously. He'd gotten scared at the last minute and saved himself with a plant. Sure he'd slit his wrist, but he was to scared to take the plunge. Koji and Sakura were braver than he ever could be. They had the courage to escape.
"I tried to kill myself. That's why I have this one. Oh sure I've cut myself before and like you they just fade away, but when you nearly end you life they tend to stay with you for awhile. Like the one on your arm." Daisuke said. His voice had that edge of foolishness to it again. In a second he could change.
"So did I.." He said weakly. This was to much, to many memories in one day. He hadn't thought about these people in years but here they were emerging all at once to haunt him.
" See Kurama we're so alike!" he's testing me. Don't react. " So how did you start cutting? I'd love to hear!"
"I thought you knew all about me Daisuke?" He did his best to sound like he used to and surprisingly enough to seemed to work. Daisuke looked taken aback for a moment and his smirk disappeared. But barely a second later it had returned just as confident and proud as before.
"Oh but I do…I just want to hear your version. Your such a good story teller!" He sang out
Fine he wants to play…I'll play. I… have to.
"I saw a human girl at my school do it. I heard some of her friends talking about it. They said it felt good. That it was like getting high or drunk.. with no side-effects. I asked them questions. They fascinated me. These people ,these social outcast ,had more control over their life than I did. They could escape their pain."
"Sure I didn't believe it would work. I thought it would hurt. That it wouldn't do anything to help me. But I was wrong. It was addicting. Once I started to cut it was like I couldn't stop and I didn't want to. I still don't. That sweet pain is all I live for." Kurama didn't even try to hide the wistful look on his face.
"Ah…so you were a-non believer?" he asked quietly.
"Yes. I'm not exactly a prime candidate for cutting am I?" the red head asked quietly. As odd as it was he was relaxing again. Talking about this felt so…right.
"I wasn't one either. I was the top student in my school, brilliant at math and science. I had a steady girl-friend that adored me. a god family. A fan club with both males and females. People looked up to me. Does that sound like someone who cuts themselves? Daisuke's soulless eyes were boring into him. He couldn't look away.
"No"
"How do you ever know someone's depressed? How do you know if someone's calling for help? Appearances mean nothing! Some of the most beautiful people in the world are the ugliest on the inside. Some one has to see!" He had started to pace again. Kurama could barely keep up with him. One minute he's happy and teasing the next he's ranting….. I don't know what to expect.
"Just a few moments ago didn't you think we were similar? That we both cut for similar reasons? Not for petty little things but to repent of our sins! And no matter how many times we do it everything will stay the same ! Nothing will CHANGE!" He was raging now. His aura was flaring up and quite frankly, he was afraid.
"Those friends of yours, they do it too! Yusuke was a bully and Hiei's philosophy in life is the strongest is the only one who deserves to live! Why should they decide who lives and who dies!"
"You have murdered thousands and yet you still live! Why is this? Sakura ,Koji all those innocent lives! You took them!" Kurama felt anger well up inside of him. His crimes are as great as mine! Why must I suffer!
"What do you call those bodies out there! Those women and children! They couldn't escape you! They were defenseless! If we have to pay for our sins, yours are as great as mine!" the kitsune shouted.
"Kurama." Daisuke said quietly to the red head. " Take a deep breath. No reason to get worked up!"
My god he is crazy…or bipolar……
"I apologize for the way I reacted Of course I have done worse! It was silly of me to imply that I hadn't. But you see, my dear friend, I had a reason for my actions…did you?"
Oh god…why did he say that. He knows…he knows everything. Why can't he let me be! I know it was wrong …so wrong. I deserve to die.
(A/N This is kinda Daisuke's P.O.V here. Bare with me…)
He's shutting down. At the very mention of his past he can't control it. His sins haunt him.
He's not what I expected. In fact he's far from it. The Yoko Kurama I heard of was ruthless and with out a conscience. But now….he's weak. This body it's still as strong as I heard but he can't do anything with out second guessing himself. He's better than I could have imagined.
He's perfect.
(A/N regular P.O.V here)
Kurama's head was in his hands. He couldn't control it. The memories were rushing around him making him lose himself and his sense of reality. The urge to cut was overpowering.
Without thinking his grasp on the whip tightened. As if in a trance he raised his other arm. He could feel his mind shutting down.
The whip was a inch above his arm. The thorns seemed to glisten as if the blood was already on them. His heart was pounding in anticipation.
He was about to run it across his arm when suddenly another hand forcefully pulled the whip away. Kurama glanced up in shock. Daisuke had a firm grip on his arm and that toying smile was back on his face.
"Kurama would you like to hear a story?" he said dropping his wrist.
With out waiting for his answer he began.
" My girlfriend in high schools name was Ami. She was quite the character. She had wonderful green eyes and sandy brown hair. She was smart beautiful and was everything I could have wanted."
"I met Ami at a party that I attended with my parents. It was a business function a so not many teenagers were there. I'd seen Ami at school but she was always hiding behind books and I had my fan club for entertainment. As cliché as this sounds, but ours eyes met across a crowded and…" Daisuke paused for a moment taking a handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbing at his eyes.
"From that moment Ami and I were inseparable. When I was around her I felt so alive. I used to tell her stories of my past. She thought it was fiction though, but she'd sit there entranced her green eyes so shiny and intent. I used to live for those moments."
"We kept our relationship secret for the first few month at her request. I could never figure out why we had to hide it. Looking back now I guess she most have suspected what would happen. God I wish I would have listened to her…"
Slowly Kurama was beginning to regain his sense. He focused on the story, Daisuke's quite voice, the sound of water dripping far off. He was calm. The urge to cut was fading.
"You see Ami, dear Ami, wasn't that popular. She was a wonderful person and beautiful too but as you know that doesn't always matter in high school."
" Ami's older brother Yoshihiro , was a drop out. He'd gotten involved in drugs a few years before and was constantly getting in trouble with the law. Ami on the other hand was a model student. In fact she'd gotten a scholarship that allowed her to attend our school even though her family was poor. They were waiters at the party where we met."
"Ami loved her family dearly despite all. She was that type of person who outward appearances mean nothing to them. That's one of the things I adored about her. We were total opposites but it didn't matter…"
He couldn't see were this story was leading but he was listening. To Daisuke and to the warehouses sounds. Or he assumed that they were in the warehouse. They could be any where and he was at his mercy.
He's already thought about death and he was okay with it. If he died it would be fine but if he died now no one would know what happened to him. Shiori would worry…he didn't want to do that to her. After all she'd been through raising him…he had to survive.
He was weak like that. He could never follow through. He'd stop and doubt himself and then lose all confidence. That's what happened to him years before when he'd finally gotten enough energy to go back to the Spirit world and the he lost all courage. He could have should have gotten out then.
He'd been trying to contact the other but kept failing. It was like someone had put a block on his mind. He couldn't reach them or contact them.
Wait… His eyes grew wide. He could sense Hiei. It was faint but it was drawing closer. They were coming.
"…Ami never was popular. The rumors about her brother alone kept her out of the circle. I still don't know why it mattered so much to Ami but it did. She wanted to know what it was like so bad. I'd always ask her why she wanted it so bad but all she'd say 'you don't understand…Your perfect' "
"She was convinced I was perfect. She didn't know what I dreamt at night. That I'd lost track of the how many I'd murdered. She never could understand how imperfect I was.." A wistful look was on his face as he recalled the past.
Kurama could feel their energy drawing closer. They were coming. He could sense Yusuke and some of Kuwabara now. All he had to do was keep his face and head clear of what he was thinking. Just focus on the story and you'll be fine, he thought quietly to himself.
If Daisuke could feel them he wasn't showing it. He was still telling the story as calmly as before.
"After about two months we went public with our relationship. I should have seen it coming. I should have known what would happen. I should have known better but I didn't. Now for the rest of my life all I can do is think I should have done." He said with a sad smile.
"What happened?" Kurama asked quietly.
"The girls, my fan club, attacked her. No not physically at least not at first." He said in answer to Kurama's shocked face "A snide remark now and then lightly shoving her in the halls, little things like that. I didn't realize what was going on…"
Keep focused, smile nod. That's right. Don't show emotion.
"Ami didn't tell me what was going on for a while. I was aware that the girls were being cold towards her but I had no idea that they were hurting her so much."
"The first attack was in June. I can still remember how warm it was out side. The cherry trees had just started to bloom so their flowers were all over the place. She was walking home. Normally I would have walked with her but I had a club meeting. I asked her if she wanted me t skip and walk home with her but she just smiled and started on her way. After it happened she kept saying it wasn't my fault. That even if I had been with her that day it still would have happened eventually."
"They hurt her badly. When I saw her I couldn't believe those girls had done it… bruises all over her face…a sprained wrist… broken ribs… These were high school girls! Tiny little girls! And they hurt her. Because of me."
Daisuke was gazing into the distance. Kurama tried to think of a word that could describe the look on his face. Forlorn, Sadness, Pity, and oddly enough hope. Yes that was it that odd look that had crossed his face as he talked the girls that had hurt Ami. Yes it was twisted with malice but hope was evident.
" I tried to stop them. I did! I never left her side but they still got to her! They would call her house, send her letter saying how much they hatted her and that she should die. Then one day when she had to go to the market for her mother they got her. They must have been watching her, waiting to get her alone."
"Do you know what they did to her Kurama?' He asked quietly. Numbly Kurama shook his head no, afraid of the answer.
"They tore her clothes, cut her hair off , beat her and then they stood over her and told her how worthless she was. They told her not to come near me again. That she didn't deserve me. They broke her."
" Do you know how that made me feel? To cause the one you love most such horrible pain. I loved Ami more than anything. She was my life, my world. Thanks to me her world was destroyed."
Kurama stood there in silence. Yes he knew how that felt, to some extent at least. He knew what the guilt felt like at least. He lived with that guilt every day. Daisuke had not, at least not then been a murder. It seemed like the thing that haunted him most was himself. The thought of what he could have done.
" It wasn't your fault." Kurama said shocking even himself.
"What do you mean it wasn't my fault! I'm the reason they did that to her! I'm the reason she's dead!" Daisuke shouted his eyes ablaze with sudden anger.
"Yes Kurama she's dead! Like Koji she couldn't take it any more! She gave up!" he yelled at the red heads puzzled face.
"She left me. The person I loved most left me all alone." His voice had grown quite and his eyes had gone blank again.
Oh god Hiei get here soon. I don't think I can take this any more.
" Do you see now why I did this? Why I had to? I had to avenge her! They had to pay for it…" He said trailing off.
"I …I don't understand." Kurama asked in confusion. "Why kill more innocent people?"
"Innocent! Their the ones who killed her!" Daisuke shouted in out rage
"The ones who killed Ami ?" He did his best to keep his voice clam and controlled. He didn't need to know how scared he was. Hiei and the rest had to hurry though. He couldn't do this for much longer. It felt like he was going to black out soon. So many memories.
Daisuke had made every thing he'd tried to push away come back in one horrible rush. Every time he managed to calm down and get his sense straight he would say something that sent him right back to this hellish sate. He couldn't thin, he could barely breathe.
What had happened to the old Yoko Kurama? The one who could laugh in the face of danger and had nerves of steal. The killer. The liar. The tyrant.
Did he really want to become that person again? He was pathetic now and could barely make a move without going into melt down but was being a killer any better?
"Those children did not kill Ami." It was such a simple statement. Kurama looked around trying to see who had said it. With shock he realized it was he who had spoken up. He had been so lost in his thoughts…
" No but their parents did. Those little brats were the sons and daughters of the ones who killed her. The woman with the baby and young girl you were looking at earlier, the ones who you thought were so innocent. She was the ring leader. The one that tormented, my angel the most. They deserved to die!"
"What did those children do? They weren't responsible for their parents actions." He had no idea why he was arguing with him. The man was insane. But then again so was he.
"Some one needs to die! No one was even sad when Ami died. Only me…" Tears were gleaming in his lifeless eyes.
God Hiei hurry.
Their energy was drawing closer. Kurama could only pray they would be there soon.
"Why kill more people then? What about their parents and spouses? You know all to well how it feel to lose some one you care about."
"Ah Kurama you've finally gotten close to the root of my plan!" Cheery Daisuke was back.
"What is your plan Daisuke! I've bee n here for quite sometime and I have no idea why your doing these senseless killings!" Kurama yelled. He'd lost it. His wrist and head ached. He couldn't think straight. All he wanted to do was go home lock himself in his bathroom and lose it all.
"My plan is quite simple Kurama. It's revenge plain and simple."
He was so numb yet he felt like he was on fire. He was losing focus…..slipping away.
"Humans will never stop tormenting each other. It's in our nature! So I'm going to stop it from happening ever again."
"The things you saw outside were nothing. That was just to get you here. I have a better plan. It's perfect, flawless. I can kill all the tormentors at once. But I need help. That's where you come in."
"Why do you need me?" He asked even though he had a horrid feeling that he knew what he was needed for.
"It's so simple Kurama! You've already realized how alike we are. You've seen the horrors of the world. You want to repent for the pain you've caused everyone yet you just cause even more hurt."
"I can give you a way out. An escape. You'll never have to feel all this pain again!"
He knew it was wrong but it sounded so appealing. How many time had he dreamed for this hideous ache to be taken away from him?
"What would I have to do?"
Daisuke's eyes flashed maliciously for a moment before he smiled.
"Just join me. Help me rid this world of all the pain and suffering."
He held out his hand a smile on his face. Everything whirled around him. Hiei and the others were so close. He could feel there energies pulsating towards him, but none of that mattered now.
" I can take away your pain."
The room started to rumble and voice could be heard out side but Kurama just stared at that hand. Thin Pale. Delicate. Hans that had caused so much destruction and pain.
The voices grew louder but he didn't move. He could be free soon.
Shiori. Ami. Sakura. Koji.
I just want the pain to go away.
Slowly he extended his hand.
"Excellent."
Woo evil clifi-ness….
I apologize for taking such a long time to update…
Review ..if you can believe it they make me up date faster. This is why you getting this in February instead of July….