Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. People should know that. It does own a large chunk of my brain, though.

A/N: Here is chapted four, all edited! (And believe me, it needed it.)

Identity Crisis

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Chapter Four - "Bones, you've never called me sir..."

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"Okay," McCoy said, slightly nervously. "If we're really going to go through with this, I think we'll need to know a bit more about each other. Just an overview."

Spock nodded. "Logical," he said.

"Well, I'll begin," said McCoy. "Roberts. Jim will probably want to talk to you soon. You'll have to remember to sound informal. I nevercall him sir or any of that crap. Threaten him with his physical, it's coming up. If he asks you about anything medical, just bluff. Make something up. Chances are he doesn't know what you're talking about either. Can you do that?"

Roberts swallowed visibly. Obviously McCoy wasn't the only one that didn't feel thrilled about this adventure. "I can do that, sir," Roberts said.

"Don't say sir!" McCoy exclaimed. "There's no one that I call sir, unless I'm being sarcastic. Uh... when you're in Sickbay, just stay in my office. Tell Nurse Chapel you're doing some reading. She won't bother you, and she can handle any injuries or illnesses herself."

Roberts interrupted. "Sir, if someone asks me to do something--?"

McCoy thought for a moment. If someone told him to do something that he didn't want to do, he would probably just tell him or her to do it by his- or herself. He said this to Roberts. "So don't worry," he added, "Getting out of things that way won't seem too suspicious. Other than that... I think you should be okay."

"Yes sir."

McCoy glared at the ensign, folding his arms over his chest. "Say that again, without the 'sir.'"

"Yes," Roberts repeated obediently.

McCoy sighed. "That's better, I suppose. Anything I need to know?"

"Well, si--, well, just follow orders. Call your superior officers 'sir.' And try not to volunteer for any missions."

McCoy tilted his head to one side and look at Roberts questioningly. Did the boy think he was incapable of taking care of himself?

Seeing McCoy's reaction, Roberts hastily explained. "Security guards don't have a very safe job... people usually go for them first. It would be better for all of us, I think, if you kept my body alive."

"You know, I don't have a very safe job, either," McCoy said. "And I've always been fine." Roberts began to protest, but McCoy but in. "Fine. I won't volunteer for missions." McCoy had seen far too many deaths of security guards to say that Roberts didn't have a point.

"Are you all skvaired avay?" Chekov asked. "Because I think Mr. Spock and I vill haff the most problems in passing for each other."

McCoy grimaced involuntarily. Perhaps he and Roberts could pass for each other; they were fairly similar. But Chekov and Spock... there was no way. When Chekov spoke, his Russian accent was painfully not Spock.

Apparently Spock was thinking the same thing. "Mr. Chekov," he said, "I think you may have to do something about your accent, or not speak at all." His voice was even, but McCoy was an expert on picking up the worry that laced it.

"But how am I supposed to do thet?" Chekov wanted to know. "I am trying to speak English, it is not my fault I haff an accent!"

"Concentrate," Spock advised. "Try to avoid the words you find difficult."

"I vill--I shall," Chekov said. The accent was still unmistakable; 'shall' sounded like 'shell.'

"Ensign," Spock said, "I have not spoken with a Russian accent, ever. My mouth should be accustomed to speaking normal English. Try to speak through my body, and not through your mind."

Chekov blinked. "Perhaps I can try," he said.

"Yes, try." McCoy imagined he heard some impatience in Spock's voice. "Also, you cannot act human. Try not to show emotion in your face or voice. Do not fidget--"

"Yes, sir," Chekov interrupted. "I know how it is you act."

Spock simply nodded with a tiny sigh. He had apparently given up. "Is there anything I should know, Ensign?"

"Vell... I assume you know how to navigate, and you'll need to talk in my accent. Oh yes. I haff a girlfriend named Kayla Dunn."

"And how might I avoid her?" Spock asked.

Chekov winced. "I don't know. Just play along if she takes you somevhere."

"Fine, ensign," Spock said.

The chronometer on the wall said that lunch was over. McCoy glanced at it, then stood up. "Roberts, where do I go?"

"Just to Security. They'll tell you what to do," the ensign said.

"All-righty then," said McCoy. "Good luck."

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Roberts stood with his hands behind his back uncertainly in Sickbay. McCoy had told him to go to McCoy's office, but Roberts realized belatedly that he had no idea which room the office was. Nurse Chapel walked in from around the corner.

"Hello, Doctor," she said. "I just left some paperwork in your office. Sometimes I still can't believe it. We can fly through space but we still have paperwork."

"I know, it's crazy," Roberts said. "I'll be doing some, uh, reading, so, uh, don't bother me."

Chapel looked at him quizzically, no doubt wondering why he was so rude. "Okay, Doctor. Just be sure to fill out some paperwork, while you're in there."

Roberts nodded and forced a smile. He walked in the direction that Nurse Chapel had just come from. She said she'd just come from his office, no? As it turned out, there were two doors at the end of the hall. The first he pushed open led to a room filled with medical equipment he didn't want to think about. The other led to what looked like an office. With a sigh of relief, Roberts stepped in.

Obviously he wasn't going to do any reading. He was tired form a long shift. And as long as no one barged in on him, he should be able to safely relax. He sat in the chair in front of McCoy's computer console and tried to make himself comfortable.

"Computer, give me Pirates of Orion: The Game," he said. Video games were always relaxing.

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Back on the bridge, everything appeared normal. Chekov hadn't yet had to speak, and he didn't think Kirk suspected anything. He hoped so, anyway.

"Ensign Chekov, you have the course plotted to Seti Olan Two?" the captain asked.

Chekov had plotted the course the day before, and Spock had probably checked the computer to be sure. Chekov wasn't surprised that the Vulcan answered immediately. "Yes, sair. eet ees ploted." Chekov almost gave a snort of laughed at the attempted accent. There was no way he sounded like that.

"Sulu, take us out, then," Kirk commanded. "Spock, what's the planet like down there?"

Chekov hit the button he supposed would give him information about the planet. Instead, a screen came up that asked if he would like to save his work before logging out. Slightly panicking, he canceled the action. He tried another button, and this time a rather lengthy report on the cleanliness of Federation Starbases appeared.

"Sorry, sir," Chekov said frantically, trying to control his accent while guessing which button to push next.

"Spock? You all right?" Kirk asked.

Chekov ignored the question. A tiny message screen had appeared in a corner. It was addressed to Spock from Chekov, which meant that the First Officer had sent it. The message specified the button. "Than you, Spock," Chekov murmured. He pressed the button and made his report.

"Cless M, but just barely, with an average temperature of negative four degrees Fahrenheit.Our destination for beaming down es in summer, so it will be about ten degrees.The planet es 60 percent water, but eet is mostly frozen. There is a primitive culture there, but they haff strong psychic powers. Ve- We- the Federation has visited there once before, about sixty years ago."

As Chekov melted back into his seat, he had the feeling that he had just given a very bad report in school. He stared at his console, sure that all eyes were on him. He hoped he wasn't blushing. He stole a glance around the bridge. Despite the prickling in the back of his neck, no one was watching him. Still, he wondered what Spock thought of his performance.

Disaster, the First Officer thought. There was no way that Chekov would pass as Vulcan.

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Roberts's shift had ended shortly after lunch, as it had begun around two forty-five in the morning. Technically, Roberts was supposed to be napping.

And that's not a bad idea, McCoy realized. He wasn't tired, but his body--Roberts's body--felt sluggish. He laid down on the ensign's bunk, and his body fell asleep.

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A few hours later, Roberts and Chekov were interrupted from their dinner. They had been sitting together at a table in the mess hall, wondering how they would ever fix this problem, when Kirk came up from behind them. He tapped them both smartly on the shoulder.

"Would you mind coming with me, Spock, McCoy? I think we need to talk about something."

Chekov and Roberts traded glances. Then Roberts shrugged. "Sure, uh... Jim."

"Let's go into my quarters," Kirk said.

Chekov and Roberts dumped their trays into the disposal slot and followed the captain. "What do you need to talk about?" Roberts asked. Chekov was wisely keeping quiet.

"I think you two have been acting kind of strange lately," Kirk said. "Spock, you seemed a bit... unorganized on the bridge. And Bones, Nurse Chapel told me you were being a bit odd today."

"You're imagining it," Roberts said quickly. Then he remembered something McCoy had told him. "Hallucinating. It must be about time for your physical." He grinned as wickedly as he could manage while still feeling dread in the pit of his stomach.

"You'll never leave me alone, will you?" Kirk laughed."Ah, I suppose that is the fate of a starship captain."

"I guess not, sir," Roberts agreed, forcing a laugh of his own.

"Sir?" Kirk asked."Bones, you've never called me sir. This is what I was talking about. What's going on?"

"Perhaps the Doctor decided eet was time to acknowledge thet you are the Keptin," Chekov said. He had to keep himself from wincing at his accent.

Kirk laughed, but somewhat nervously this time. "I suppose so. ButSpock, you've been acting strange too. Kind of... Illogical. That was some report you gave me on the bridge. Are you okay? Your voice is beginning to sound like... Mr. Chekov."

Chekov paused. How to respond to that? Finally, he said, "I am not illogical. And I am certainly not Chekov!"

"Still, you don't sound like yourself," Kirk observed. "You really have a, uh, a Russian accent."

"It's not that thick!" Chekov exclaimed. Everyone was obsessing over his accent these days.

"Spock?" Kirk asked.

"Yes, Keptin?"

"Keptin! What. Is. Going. On?" Kirk scowled at Chekov, who had a sudden urge to hide under a console. He opened his mouth to make some kind of excuse.

"Calm down, Jim," Roberts interrupted. Luckily, when talking to Chekov, Kirk had forgotten that Roberts had called him 'sir.'

"Bones! How can I calm down? I don't know what's going on!"

"Nothing's going on, Jim. This is, uh, an experiment."

Kirk looked at him dubiously. "An experiment?" he repeated.

"Yes," Roberts said, wimprovising fast, "Spock volunteered to, uh, to act like Mr. Chekov for a day and see how people reacted. Obviously, um, the reaction isn't good. Unfortunately, he can't break character or the experiment is ruined. And no one's supposed to know about it."

Roberts could see in his face that Kirk didn't believe this, but he turned to Chekov. "Spock, is this true?"

Chekov nodded. "Yes. It is."

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Spock was walking down a corridor to get to the mess hall when a blonde woman in Security red caught up to him. "Pavel! There you are!"

"Who are you?" Spock said cautiously.

"What are you talking about?" the blonde girl asked. "I thought that after... last night... you would remember me." She giggled.

Spock forced his mouth into a rather awkward smile. Obviously this was Chekov's aforementioned girlfriend. "Kayla. Of course I know who you are. I was... joking."

Kayla Dunn smiled. "C'mon, lets go eat."

She pulled him along by the arm. Spock followed, helpless. "What do you want to share today?"

Spock didn't know how to answer. He wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about. "You decite," he said. His accent was no doubt awful, but Chekov's girlfriend didn't seem to notice. She dragged him into the mess hall.

"Okay, I'll decide then. How about. spaghetti and meatballs?"

"I do not want any meatballs," Spock said.

"Okay then," Kayla Dunn laughed again.

Spock chose to remain silent. He did not want to have dinner with Chekov's girlfriend, but that seemed to be the only way to maintain his character. Chekov had said if he was dragged anywhere by Kayla to play along. He just hadn't realized how literally Chekov had meant 'dragged.'

"Pavel what's wrong? I know something's wrong. You can tell me." She looked genuinely concerned, glancing up at him as she pulled a platter full of spaghetti from the replicator.

"There is nothing wrong. Let's eat."

Kayla had let go of Spock's arm to hold the dinner platter, so he followed her to a table. He stood awkwardly as she sat. Should he sit next to her? Across from her? This question was answered as she patted the chair next to her.

"Let's eat," she said.

Chekov's girlfriend was the driving force of the conversation, and Spock answered as bast he could. He excused himself after a few minutes.

That was disturbing, he thought as he walked to Chekov's quarters.

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Roberts had blown up hundreds of ships, shot and stunned numerous Orions, and passed through numerous levels of Pirates of Orion: The Game when the doors swished open and Nurse Chapel stepped in.

"Sorry to disturb your reading,Doctor," she said. Then, "Ah. You're playing a video game."

"Pirates of Orion: The Game," Roberts corrected her.

"Oh. How... interesting," she said.

Roberts was aware that he wasn't acting like McCoy, but he was tired. He'd tried to sleep a bit, but McCoy's body was wide awake, so his mind had grown more fatigued as the day went on. Now he was sleepy enough that he didn't care that he acted like himself.

"Why don't you have a go?" he suggested, waving the controller in the nurse's general direction. Later he realized that she'd probably thought him drunk.

Nurse Chapel looked somewhat flustered for a moment, but then she shrugged. "Sure. All should be well in Sickbay without me."

Roberts reset the game so it had multiple player controls. Nurse Chapel began timidly, but it was obvious to Robrets that she was enjoying herself. Byt her first victory over the Orions, she was grinning and hitting the controls as hard as Roberts.

After about a half-hour of playing, a nurse walked in. She looked genuinely surprised to see Nurse Chapel whooping as she stunned an Orion.

"Why don't you join us?" Nurse Chapel asked. Roberts nodded.

"Okay." the nurse pulled up a chair. She was surprisingly good. She beat Roberts and Nurse Chapel in her first game.

Another nurse joined them, and then another. Then came a Security guard who had been in Sickbay. Then an ensign from the Science Division. Then another Security guard. And another nurse.

Soon they started some other games, including Empire of the Tribbles, Runaway Starship, and Romulan Chase.

It was a lot of fun.