Author's Note: Sorry for the huge delay. I couldn't get the proof reading done before NaNoWriMo started, and I didn't trust myself to limit the editing to just here. On the other hand, if you are seeing this, it means I successfully completed NaNo. Beta-y thanks to Kurai and D-chan.
Warnings: slashy innuendo, angst, abuse of dream imagery
Disclaimer: Not mine, but may I have it for my birthday?
7
Some times the wisdom of dreams holds the most truth.
-Sohma Nobu, Snake, 1543
"Kyo-kun.... There are some differences for the Cat. You have to want to help the person.…"
Kyo didn't have a problem with that. Hatori was less annoying than most of the other juunishi, and he could make Ayame be less annoying. Kyo almost even liked him. He just didn't trust how Shigure had trailed off.
"And?" Perhaps he snarled the word a bit.
"And... it works much better if you aren't wearing your bracelet." Shigure didn't look at Kyo. "Tohru-kun, I swear, your cooking is getting better every day. This is spectacular!"
Kyo did his best to block out Shigure's voice, and think. He was not in any way, shape or form comfortable with his other--he refused to call it true--form. He knew that removing the bracelet wouldn't force him to change, but he was fairly sure that he'd change anyway because he was so upset. He still didn't know if he'd changed back that one night because the rain had stopped, or because he'd calmed down.
A very large part of him was terrified at the thought of taking off the bracelet--unlike his cat form, it hurt to become a monster. But. Kyo studied Shigure closely, in that way that was always mistaken for glaring for some reason, and he could see the way Shigure's smile didn't quite reach tired eyes. He could see that Shigure was blinking a little too much, and a little too often. And even though Shigure was a meddling, manipulative pervert, who really needed to get a life beyond tormenting anyone who came near him and.... Kyo had a point: Shigure was really worried, to the point where he couldn't hide it, but he was letting Kyo decide for himself, and that made Kyo want to maybe help him. A little.
"I'll do it," Kyo growled. "Just, just don't go wandering off or anything, ok?"
The relief on Shigure's face was so intense that Kyo wouldn't have believed it, except that Shigure hid it instead of played it up. "Well, then, the sooner we get Aaya fed, the sooner you all can settle in and... Why did you all bring your homework, anyway?"
Kyo was already second guessing himself by that point, but he wouldn't back down in front of that damn Yuki. Besides, it was... nice to be something other than the outcast. Kyo tried to focus on that warm feeling, instead of the ball of nervous ice that seemed to be taking up residence in his stomach.
Shigure paused at the door to Hatori's room and turned to Kyo. "Thank you."
"Oh, um, yeah, if you'd gotten that Rat to do it, he'd of just gotten sick, and then I wouldn't be able to fight him." Or rather, 'You're welcome,' in Kyo-speak.
Kyo stared at the floor, rather than watch the door open. He was still far too tempted to turn and run, but a rather Yuki-sounding voice in his head was asking if he wanted to spend the rest of his life running away. "Damn Rat."
Kyo's first thought was that this was some sick joke. He couldn't see anything at all in the room. As he stood at the threshold, he realized that, yes, there was a small amount of light in the room, but it was the late afternoon sun, filtered through closed curtains.
Hatori's room was sparse, more a sleeping room than a bedroom, especially since Hatori had a futon instead of a Western-style bed. The room also an out-of-place looking chair by the window with a basket by it, and a dresser. That was it. Hatori really didn't have a life outside of work.
Kyo was trying to sort out what he could see of the bed. Two heads stuck out from under the mound of blankets, but they didn't seem to be close enough--or far enough apart. Ayame looked up blearily, and the top blanket fell back. Kyo blinked. Then he blinked a few more times. Ayame was fully dressed, and there was at least one blanket between him and Hatori, even though Ayame was spooned against Hatori's back. Kyo pondered the possibility that he could be in an alternate world, like from one of those dreadful animes that Kisa liked. Kyo knew--from personal experience--that Ayame was not at all shy about sharing a bed with someone.
Hatori was tucked under the second blanket up to his neck, though one hand had escaped to hold Ayame. His hair was totally disheveled and damp with sweat. The fever had raised red spots on his cheeks, under tightly closed eyes. Even under the thick blanket, it seemed that he was shifting restlessly. Hatori coughed weakly, and the weirdness was doubled when Kyo realized that Hatori wasn't wearing a shirt. "'Gure-san? Is it time to get him to take more medicine?" Kyo was shocked; Ayame was capable of speaking softly?
"No- oh, wait, in two minutes, so yes. I didn't realize it was this late." Shigure's equally soft voice sounded apologetic? Kyo hung back to watch the pod people who had clearly replaced his older cousins.
Without speaking further to each other, Shigure and Ayame began what proved to be a complex task. Shigure got some pills and other medicinal torture implements from the top of the dresser. Ayame attempted to get Hatori into a sitting position without waking him up--or perhaps that was as awake as they could get him right now.
Ayame had started to sit up, which required him to pull his arm from around Hatori. Hatori latched onto Ayame, keeping Ayame's hand trapped against his chest--Hatori, the man who practically pulled back when he saw other people get hugged. Kyo bit back the urge to say something, only because the look on Ayame's face was way too personal for Kyo to want Ayame to know that he had seen it. In fact, this whole thing was way to private for him to be seeing it, which was probably why Shigure was completely ignoring him, instead of attracting Ayame's attention to him.
In a world where Kyo had good manners, he would be looking away right now, but the tone of voice that Ayame was using to coax Hatori into an upright position, and the helpful comments that Shigure was making, well, if Kyo looked away, he knew he'd feel like a lot more of an intruder.
"Come on, 'Tori-san, you just need to relax a little. Let me move my arm. I'm not going anywhere." Ayame's arm was caught at exactly the angle needed to take away any possible leverage he could find to sit up. Kyo made note of it, only because he had some vague idea it might help in a fight. "We need to sit up for this to work."
Hatori mumbled something that might have been a protest.
"Yes, I know it's nice and warm, but you really need to let me sit up. You can hold my arm with your other hand, ok?" Kyo had no idea how exactly Ayame moved that way, but suddenly Ayame was sitting. It probably came from that whole snake thing, and moving without legs. A bit more coaxing, and Hatori was half-sitting against Ayame, with his head just a little too far back.
Shigure tilted his head. "Not the most attractive pose, but at least his mouth is open."
"'Tori-san, you're going to hurt your neck like that." Ayame tried to pull the sick man into a more comfortable position, but the sitting position seemed to trigger a coughing fit.
"How did Haa-san lose his shirt, anyway?" Shigure sounded like he was teasing, but his voice didn't have that same annoying tone that Kyo was used to hearing.
"He transformed again, and when he changed back, he grabbed on to me before I could get him re-dressed." Ayame sounded vaguely embarrassed, and had another one of those intensely personal, yet confusing looks on his face.
"You mean?"
"Yes."
"How long was he transformed?" Shigure threw a single, unreadable look at Kyo, and knelt down by the bed. In a flurry of movement that was completely innuendo free, Shigure--thankfully blocking Kyo's view--got Hatori back into a pair of pants.
"About two minutes? Maybe less."
"Hmm. Ok. You get to hold him, I'll put it in?" That- Shigure so said that on purpose.
"Do you think it's getting easier with practice?" Ayame placed one hand on the side of Hatori's face.
"Well, the first one does." Shigure grabbed Hatori's nose, and, in a move that reminded Kyo of leeks, shoved the spoonful of red syrup into Hatori's mouth. "Getting him to take it a second time, that's the real trick."
Hatori coughed, spluttered, and finally opened his eyes. "You two are sick." His voice sounded like a truck going over gravel. "What was th-" Shigure timed the second spoonful perfectly, but it didn't stop Hatori's protests. "What? What are you two doing here, anyway? It's night. Is someone sick? I should..." Hatori's coughs prevented him from talking, and he curled up with his back against Ayame's legs waiting for them to stop.
Shigure held up a pill bottle, and some kind of understanding passed between the men over Hatori's prone form.
"Haa-san, I've got some water for you. It'll make your throat feel better. Why don't you sit up." Shigure reached out to tug on Hatori's arm.
"No." Hatori pulled away, his voice muffled by blankets. "You'll just trick me again."
Shigure shrugged sheepishly at Ayame, and mouthed, "You try."
Ayame tried, though Kyo couldn't see what was done, and he got Hatori to take the pill. Kyo still remained silent because there was something passing between the three men that just didn't include him--couldn't include anyone else, really. And some part of Kyo's mind was definitely wondering why he hadn't left the room, but it was a little too closely linked to the part of his mind that wanted him to run away.
"Kyo-kun! There you are!" Kyo bristled at Shigure's tone, but managed not to say anything that would let Ayame or Hatori know he'd seen pretty much everything. Although... he really wasn't sure how much Hatori was aware of anything around him. "Aaya, Kyo's going to stay with Haa-san, so we can go get dinner."
Ayame blinked a few times at Kyo, and Kyo had the feeling that Ayame was also wondering about pod people. Kyo looked away first, and glared at the floor. Dammit, he'd been quite comfortable thinking that Ayame had no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and now he found himself feeling... something. Kyo didn't know if he liked the change or not, everything was too confusing. Ayame got out about one syllable before Kyo interrupted, "Look, it's just, can you get a shirt on him?"
The floor was interesting. The wood had patterns in it that were almost visible in the dim lighting, and maybe if Kyo stared long enough he could make them out. The heat on his face was just because the room was stuffy, and maybe because he was angry, but he was certainly not blushing.
"Kyo-kun?" Kyo looked up to see Shigure hovering uncertainly. A quick glance showed that Hatori was half in his pajama shirt. "He wouldn't let go so we could get his other arm."
"Oh."
"Um, Kyo-kun?" Kyo shot Shigure a look that just dared him to ask if he was ok. "Kyo-kun, the transformation, it's rather rough on your shirt, right?"
"Why do you think I ask you to get him back into a shirt?" Kyo fought to keep the yowl out of his voice only because both Ayame and Shigure had also made an effort to keep their voices low. He closed his eyes for a moment before pulling off his T-shirt in a single smooth motion, and tried to convince himself that his shiver was from the cool air, even thought it was clearly the hot air that made his face flush.
Kyo carefully folded his shirt and set it on the chair--because he was neat, not because he was stalling--adding his socks as an afterthought, and walked back over to the futon, keeping his eyes locked on Hatori. He stopped a few feet away, simply because he didn't know how much space he needed, and reached with his right hand for his left wrist. He got as far as touching the beads before he realized that he was hyperventilating. Kyo balled his hands into fists, and thrust his left arm at Shigure in a silent request.
The touch on his hand made him twitch even though he expected it. Shigure's hands were surprisingly gentle as they slowly coaxed his fingers into relaxing. The beads were suddenly whipped off his wrist. It was like being doused with cold water, but the chill dug deeper into his flesh, and forced his bones to expand. Every inch of his body screamed in protest at the change.
Kyo tried to keep his eyes focused on Hatori, but his eyes were remaking themselves, and controlling them was impossible. He tried to keep breathing, but his chest was ripping itself apart as fast as it could rebuild itself. He tried to keep still, but his back and legs demanded a new stance. He did his damnedest to keep from shredding grooves in the floor, and he actually had some success with that.
He couldn't help dropping to all fours as the transformation ended, but he remembered to be careful of the claws. He was fairly sure that the harsh breathing echoing in his ears was his own. He risked a glance at Hatori, who had apparently slept through the entire process, and then kept his eyes locked on him--don't look, don't look--Kyo absolutely refused to see the looks of horror and disgust that Ayame and Shigure had to be wearing.
Kyo prowled around the bed--don't lunge for Shigure to take the beads back--and finally settled on the left side of the futon. He reached out hesitantly with his left hand--claw--but flinched back when Ayame's hands tightened protectively--or was it possessively?--on Hatori. Making himself reach forward again was one of the hardest things Kyo had ever done, and he could feel small tremors running across his body.
Kyo's finger had barely brushed Hatori's forearm when Hatori latched onto his own forearm. Kyo's entire body went tense for a few heartbeats before he could make himself return the hold. As soon as he did, he felt something loosen in him and a flood of good-right-belong-warm-comfort-home-peace-safe rushed through him. He relaxed, though he couldn't help thinking that Hatori's arm fit in his hand pretty well, but wouldn't everything fit if he was holding him.... Kyo shoved that thought away, and blinked as he realized that Ayame had already gotten Hatori the rest of the way into his shirt.
Hatori's eyes opened, and met Kyo's. Kyo's chest locked as he shivered and waited for the rejection--screaming, pulling away, sneering, something--but all Hatori did was smile ever so faintly, and then close his eyes again. It was the capstone on the weirdness of the evening, and Kyo swore he could feel his brain breaking from the strain of understanding anything that was happening.
Ayame stood up--Hatori had released him when he grabbed Kyo--and started towards the door. Panic forced its way through Kyo's brain--beads, don't leave with, gimme, mine--but it cut off abruptly as Shigure's hand dropped down to break Kyo's view of Hatori. When Shigure's hand lifted away, the beads lay on the floor, just at the edge of Kyo's vision.
Kyo shifted slightly, so that he was in a more comfortable position on the floor, his attention completely locked into this unfamiliar, but wonderful, feeling of belonging. He barely moved when a blanket was placed over him, and dismissed his glimpse of Ayame's feet as delusion.
You should know that if you bombard someone with one-sided love, then you are nothing but a burden to them, and will just end up hurting them in the end.
-Hanajima Saki
Hatori shouldn't have asked Ayame to stay, and he knew it. Letting people love him only brought those people pain: it was part of the curse. But it had been so long since he had let anyone close. There was Momiji, of course, who had less sense of personal space than a boa constrictor, but his hugs had that same sort of crush pressure that didn't make them all that pleasant. And there were times when Akito demanded closeness from him, but that felt like a trial now, because he couldn't quite convince his body--or was it his mind?--that Akito wasn't a threat.
Which brought him back to Ayame. Ayame, who felt so very warm next to him, had been the one holding him, when any warm body would do. He had felt so unbearably alone in that dream, and he had been so terribly comforted to wake, and hear Shigure and Ayame talking. Even with all the time he had been pushing them away, they were still there, and he did his best to push them away again, but he was so tired. He knew he had a standing offer for whatever his sanity needed from Shigure. If Shigure had been holding him, he wouldn't have had to think--or ask--twice, and he asked so rarely anyway.
Ayame never quite offered those things. He might, if given the chance, but Hatori didn't know if he could accept, and it was better to avoid having to reject anything. Hatori didn't know what Ayame would offer him, or what Ayame wanted from him. He feared that whatever it was, it would lead to Ayame being hurt somehow. Ayame hurt himself too much, and it was Hatori's job to heal people, but Ayame was here, and as long as they were touching, Hatori felt much less alone, and it was so hard to think of exactly why this was a bad idea. So, he asked because he couldn't face all those footprints in the sand.
The sand tried to come back, but a golden wall surrounded him and pushed it away. This time, he was a man, and he walked over to the wall. He placed his hand on the shimmering wall and felt safety, reassurance, gentle warmth and home. Hatori placed his other hand against it, rested his cheek on it, and it rippled so that he lay on it, and it flowed over him, slithered around him, and then as he relaxed completely, through him. Then the dreams drifted away, and he was simply wrapped in home.
Hatori surfaced to find the golden wall swirling away, and becoming dark brownish gray wall. It looked more stable, somehow dependable, and it felt of fierce growling protection and willing loyal sacrifice, but it still felt of home. He let himself sink into it again, but it was less comfortable, because there was so much darkness in its weight, and the small flickers of happiness felt stolen. He drifted further down into the river-wall until he found old hope and determination to wrap himself in.
The river forced him back out, and he lay in his back in a golden sphere. Hatori had the odd impression that he had just been something other than a man, but the sphere was so much... something. He blinked a few times, because it felt the same as that golden wall, but now there were white cracks swirling through it, and sand was starting to creep in. He shifted and coughed, and the sphere started to give way, dropping him back into sweat and darkness. He tried to protest, but he couldn't quite get his mouth to work. Hatori reached out with hands that didn't work, and tried to burrow back into the warmth, but an explosion of viscous, red ooze jolted him back.
Shigure and Ayame were there, and they were doing things and saying things, and why couldn't they leave him alone? No, not alone, never alone like that. Why couldn't they just be together in peace? Hatori shivered and curled up, trying to press as much of the warmth at his back--Ayame?--to him as he could manage. No, he would just hurt them if they got close. This would hurt Ayame; he couldn't, he shouldn't.... Did he say anything to them or just think it? His head hurt. His throat hurt. Nothing was right. They seemed too worried, and he was sure there was something he needed to do to make it right, but Akito didn't trust him to leave his house.
Something was happening, something that mattered, but the room was dark, and cold, and all the sounds were so far away again. Hatori's throat was raw, and he thought he could taste sand. The golden wall was cracking from the strain, and he could feel something slipping away.
A warm, orange breeze tried to slip past him, and he grabbed onto it before he could fall. It grabbed back in return and the feelings from it pressed in. Need me? Really need me? How? What? The questioning lostness pressed in, and all Hatori could do was hold on, and want it to stay, want it to protect him from the sand and the loneliness. The lostness changed to wonder. Really need me? Not lonely now? What do I? The answer was simple, and Hatori gave it easily: Just be home.
Understanding rippled through the orange, and it shifted in his grip, pulling closer as it changed to a deep indigo and wrapped its warm purring self around him. For just a moment, Hatori's vision shifted, showing him brilliantly faceted, cat-slit eyes. Home. He smiled, just a little, and then let the indigo home feeling ease him back into the healing darkness.
A/N: Hanajima's quote is from chapter 29 of the Tokyo-pop translation.
D-chan: You are hereby glomped and luffed.
Yukako: Thank you! Sorry about the long wait!
MsCongeniality: Angst is the best excuse for cuddles. It explains so much about my reasons for liking certain fandoms.
WaterGirlShaman: Yes, ma'am!
Tairi Soraryu: Thanks! I'm afraid that the characters in my head are demanding romance, so the shounen-ai might get er… more. I'm incredibly flattered that you're still reading even though you disagree with me. It's a huge compliment!
Therhoda: Thank you! Silliness is a good thing, but I can't seem to write silly without drifting into awkwardly absurd. I don't have the gift to write intentional humor, it seems.
Aura Black Chan: Thank you! I'm afraid that "quantity not quality" became my prime directive on my NaNoing efforts, so, well, if I didn't like my computer so much, I'd be burning the thing. Let's all take a moment to be glad that my fanfic efforts don't have the same approach.
The-kaiba-heir: Thank you! I rock so much it's like I have a rocking chair, but without the potential for foot-crushing agony.
Elizabeth Whitaker: Thank you! Aaya surprised me with that stuff. I let him open his mouth, and all sorts of plot just comes tumbling out. If you like Akito, you're going to be very happy with me next chapter. Um, yeah, behold my stealthy ninja hinting skills to keep reading.
Tsuki Shizuka Yuuki: Thank you! And NaNoWriMo is one of my favorite forms of insanity! This is the second year I've successfully produced a terrible novel.
Jadeth: Thank you! And there are at least 8 more chapters planned for this fic. My planned stuff gets longer every time I blink at it!