Note: This one-shot was written because I was thinking about what it would be like from Mia (Meer) Campbell's point of view. But be aware…there are spoilers on what she does in Destiny. Oh…and it's Mia bashing fic so if you like her, don't read. I, personally think she's an annoying character. But yeah…the jokes are all for fun.
Disclaimer: Don't own Gundam Seed/Destiny. I also don't own Bay Watch or Shizukana Yoruni.
Summary: Passage taken from "Mia's Guide on How to Snag Your Man!"
(Italics are her thoughts and regular print is her actions.)
Hello! My name is Mia Campbell and I am here to give you tips on how to snag the man of your dreams! Yes, ladies…be prepared to do the unthinkable but it'll be worth it in the end!
Alright, let's get down to business. I'll walk you through the next few steps.
Step one:
Change your whole look to match that of your man's fiancé. If he doesn't have a fiancé, then match the girlfriend, and if he doesn't have a girlfriend…then you might be going after the wrong guy. It would be preferable to pick a guy who has a famous fiancé, you know…so that you can take her spotlight. Just a suggestion.
Anyways…when you pick the outfit, it doesn't have to match hers completely. I mean…what kind of girl wears those kinds of dresses! They scream "little miss good two shoes!" So…modify when needed. Same with other accessories. You will have to match everything from her hair clip to her stupid little Haro. But of course, modify! Be creative…pick different colors, such as seductive red, instead of sissy pink. Live a little.
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Mia is seated in a room with long brown hair. Two people come in a start to dye it pink. She smiles and picks an ugly star clip. She then proceeds to find her little red Haro which speaks broken English.
" I understand! You understand! Sthank you velly much!"
Step two:
Impersonating someone is like an art. It must be convincing and accurate. So…teaming up with the leader of a country would help. In my case, I have conspired with the Chairman of the PLANTs. He might be freaky with his long girly hair and obsession of chess, but hey, he's got connections. Anyways…practice your singing voice and make sure you look "kind and sincere" since you're impersonating an "angel." snort give me a break! I'm ten times better than that…that pink…goody goody!
When you get riled up, take a deep breathe to remain calm.
Ok…prepare a phony, but believable speech because you will be needed to pacify the people! I know you'll be laughing on how fake it is on the inside, but try to hold it in. You have a duty to do! Plus…it gives a good impression to your man! Surprise is a key factor.
…………………………
Mia fixes her hair as she stands in front of the camera. She starts clearing her throat and sings….
…in the most awful voice anyone has every heard. Mirrors break…kids cry…cute fluffy bunnies faint.
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If you can't match up to her singing standards…improvise! It's the way to go.
…………………………
Mia snaps her fingers angrily and has the cameraman erase the previous footage. She then contacts the sound effects person and tells him what to do.
Mia fixes her hair as she stands in front of the camera for the second time. She clears her throat and sings…
…in a voice that matches…it is beautiful…angelic even. Mirrors don't break…kids stop crying…bunnies start frolicking…
Mia smiles cunningly and proceeds to start her speech.
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Always have a few tricks up your sleeve. For example…if you can't sing…learn the creative art of lip-singing! Hey…you can't have everything in life so you better start searching for different alternatives.
Ok…now time for your speech. This is your moment to show your man how sweet and caring you are! Yes, ladies…you must make it as heart-warming as you can, even if it annoys the hell out of you. Also…make the "I'm so innocent and I love peace" face. You know…where you kind of pout and look longingly at whoever's watching. It gets them every time. Oh and try and sound compassionate.
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Mia pouts and looks longingly at the camera.
"Everyone…please calm down…"
……………………………
blah blah you get the rest…
Step three:
Once you've established that you're an innocent and caring person, it's time to meet your man. I suggest wait for him where you know he's bound to be. I personally wait in the lobby of his hotel so he can't escape. Have the mentality where "he can run…but he can't hide!" Muahahaha!
Once again…if you get riled up…take deep breathes to calm yourself.
Now…when you see the object of your affection…you have to get his attention. He's probably deep in thought. So make sure you scream his name in the loudest and most annoying voice you can muster. That'll get his attention. Then proceed to run up to him and cling to his arm. Key word here, ladies…cling! Being over affectionate is the way to go.
He's bound to know you're a fake. So you make sure he doesn't blow your cover. Wink when necessary.
……………………
Mia sits patiently in the lobby of the hotel. The doors slide open revealing Athrun.
"AAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTHHHHRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNN!"
Once again…mirrors break…kids cry…bunnies faint.
Mia runs up to Athurn and hugs him. She then whispers " I'm Mia…Mia Campbell…but you can call me Lacus." wink
wink
wink
………………………
You can never wink too much. Now…invite him to dinner. Don't take no for an answer. Persistence is the way to go!
Mia grabs Athrun's arms and crushes it into her chest. She then drags the poor sucker towards the restaurant.
Step five:
Once you snagged a date…be prepared to start conversation. Start with the standard "What are you having? Fish…meat?" You know…innocent questions. Then once that is taken care of…get on his soft side. Tell him some sappy story to gain his pity. Don't forget to kiss ass.
…………………………
Mia sighs dramatically. "Lacus-sama is really nice. Isn't she? I wish I knew her…everyone needs Lacus-sama."
Mia pauses and looks sad. "No one needs me." She puts on a fake smile. "B-but that's ok! I'm happy to help! As long as they need me…I'll be here. I'm happy to have met you though!"
…………………………
Now is that good acting or what? Ok…he continues to ignore you…but that's ok! You've established that you're not in some secret plan to get rid of his real fiancé and rule the world. MUHAHAHAHAH!
For the third time…if you get riled up…take deep breathes to calm yourself.
Step six:
Sadly, you can't be with your man forever. You have a duty to do after all! You must go on tour to sing! Now…no one wants to listen to her slow and touching songs. It's all a load of crap if you ask me. Liven things up! Like I said before…live a little. When needed, remix!
……………………………
Mia sings in a concert to a crowd of Zaft soldiers. the fast version of Shizukana Yoruni plays"
……………………………
Make sure you're a crowd pleaser by jumping up and down and if possible…don't wear a bra. It gives more leverage if you know what I mean. And finally…thank the soldiers "from the bottom of your heart…blah blah." It gets on their good sides.
……………………………
Mia jumps up and down while waving frantically. "Thank you everyone! Courageous Zaft soldiers! Do us proud!"
…………………………
What a bunch of pathetic losers…why the hell are they listening to me when they should be fighting the war!
When you get riled up…deep breathes.
Step seven:
It's time to see your man again! He's stopping by and you gotta look cool at the concert. There's only one way to do this…
…customize your own Zaku Warrior! Yes, ladies…make sure it's pink and cute and screams femininity. It not only serves as a creative stage…but when needed, you can battle her. It'll feel good to press that trigger so you can blow up that stupid, freaking, good for nothing…
For the fifth time…when riled up…take deep breathes.
While performing…do the most outrageous dance moves every. Like you know…hopping on one foot while stretching your arms out. It makes you different.
………………………………
Mia lip sings to her song while jumping back and forth on the Zaku. She then hops and does some weird arm movements.
The crowd goes wild.
………………………………
Gets them everytime…
Step eight:
After your performance…find your man! Run and scream his name…remember go for annoying and high pitched! But make sure you stop for the girly chairman and talk to him.
………………………………
"AAAAAATTTTTHHHHHHRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNN!"
Mirrors break…kids cry…bunnies faint.
"Thank you for your good work Lacus-sama."
"Oh! Your welcome!"
………………………………
Be cheerful! So cheerful it makes you sick.
Ok…now you've got a problem. There's another woman!$#$#$!#!
…Deep breathes!
The cute red head is in your way to your man! Do not worry! Just run to him, and take the time to knock into her, but make sure you act like you didn't notice. Remember…you have an image of purity to uphold.
………………………………
Mia prances towards a wide eyed Athrun while forcefully slamming her shoulder into Lunamaria. She then hugs him happily.
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Who wins now?
Make sure the girly chairman makes him go to eat dinner with you.
………………………………
"Why don't you and Athrun go eat dinner together."
"WOW! OK!"
………………………………
Remember…over enthusiastic! Resist the urge to rub it in the red head's face.
Step nine:
Alright ladies…this is the one you've been waiting for… Operation "Get in his bed!" Ok…you've done everything to show how nice and innocent you are. It's time to move in for the kill! Go to the front desk and request a room key to you man's sleeping quarters. Try to giggle and blush. It shows that you are indeed his fiancé.
………………………………
Mia skips to the front desk.
"Can I (giggled) please get a room key (blush) to Commander Athrun's room?"
……………………………
Late at night, when you're sure he's asleep…go into his room. Be as quiet as possible. Now…for your choice of clothing…go for seductive. Pick anything that's pink, frilly, and short. Slip into his bed, but don't bother him. If he wakes up then you might get caught and thrown out.
…sweet dreams ladies…
Your man is bound to be shocked when he wakes up. Play the oblivious game and pretend that nothings wrong. Try not to stare at how little he's wearing. It's kinda hard to do so when he's shouting at you…so I guess it's no problem.
…………………………………
"Mia! What the hell are you doing!"
"Ehhh? I was sleeping."
knock
"Commander Zala? Are you awake yet? I wanted to know if you would like to have breakfast."
………………………………
OHHHHHH! The nerve of that girl! Now's your chance to show her who's boss! Before your man can get his pants completely on, open the door and make sure that the man stealer sees everything! Try not to smirk too much………o hell, who am I kidding? Smirk all you want.
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Mia flings the door open.
"Athrun will be having breakfast with me. But thank you anyway!"
Slam
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It feels great to slam the door, doesn't it?
When your man starts to question you, just act confused. Blame it on her.
…………………………………
"You mean…Lacus-sama doesn't do this?"
…………………………………
Heheheh He can't get made now.
Step ten:
On your way to breakfast, cling on to his arm and talk loudly. Let everyone know that you have a claim on your man. Possessive is the key word.
When you meet the other soldiers, be cheerful and try not to throw a triumphant smile towards that red head.
Your two bodyguard/assistants tell you it's time to go.
Outside…try and snag a good-bye kiss. Once again, play innocent.
………………………………
Mia moves in…lips puckered. Athrun shoves her into the helicopter.
………………………………
Well…you win some, you lose some…
Step eleven:
It's time for you to continue your job. You get out of your limo at a Zaft base prepared to be greeted by all your fans. If they aren't there…get angry!
………………………………
Mia steps out of her limo and is greeted by silence.
"Geez! Where are they!"
………………………………
If this happens…something's wrong. Very wrong! It has to be her! But do not panic. Run to the control room and try and stop herBut make sure you run like the girls do on "Bay Watch" so that you look cute.
……………………………
Mia runs in slow motion down the hall. Bay Watch music plays in the background
She barges into the room and tells them that she was a fake.
………………………………
After that, there's nothing you can do but wait and see. Try not to freak out when you see a big gundam make its way towards you. Try real hard not to pee in your pants…er skirt…
She won this time…but she has not seen the last of you!
Lay low for a bit to regain your pride and motivation!
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So this ends this portion of my "Guide On How to Snag Your Man" Please tune in next for more tips! Until then…bye everyone!
Note: Yeah! That took a while but it was really fun to write! Please review! I'll probably write a sequel to this when Mia gets more screen time on Destiny. And I know what she says isn't word for word but yeah that's not the point. Haha anyways…sorry to all those Mia fans out there. I mean no harm.