i Hello again my love,
The air outside is colder than is usual for this time of year. It has set into my bones, the old scars that I carry like trophies of the battles we fought side by side ache, reminding me of how foolish we were to receive them in the first place.
The feeling of emptiness in the air forces my mind back to times when the cold would hold no fear for me; I had you to keep me warm, you to keep me safe, you to hold me, and infuse me with your joi d'vivre….
I wish you were here right now, to hold me again, to protect me from mine own inability to enjoy the moment, any moment. You always had the most wonderful way of seeing potential in any person or situation, I miss that.
Oh how I miss your laughter, and the way your smile could light up a room, carrying with it the ability to even give hope, to all the people who believed hope was lost.
The war took so much away from us; victory promised huge rewards but delivered nothing. Dumbledore was almost canonised, you were vilified, even in victory portrayed as a monster, I, I became self ostracised. I am so sorry for doing that.
He knows! He always has! He is a good man, I am so grateful to him for staying with me these past ten years, never once asking for anything in return, giving his own life out of his love for me, knowing I will never love him in return.
Do you remember the first time I flew a kite? You cried when you saw how happy it made me feel, I cried when I saw that you cried, and then cried some more when my kite blew away. We laughed that day and you made love to me under the stars, and our child was conceived.
Do you remember telling me that I was the most glorious creature in the universe, how you would never leave me, always protect me, and always protect the baby, our baby, our family?
Ironic really that it was I who left you. After I lost the baby, our baby, I blamed you. Why couldn't you have been an ordinary wizard, not some hero?
Why did I have to leave my nerves in the protection of a sleeping draft each night when you didn't come home, each night you had to battle to save one more life, one more battle that needed to be won? It was for the good of all you said. Fuck the good of man I said; I only cared about us, the three of us.
The night I heard you were injured and near to death was the night I miscarried, the night I tried to give our still born baby the kiss of life, alone and without you, I tried to bring our child back to life, all I could think was that I had let you down, had not loved him enough. Your pain was as deep as mine when we buried him, but I had changed, coldness had set in my heart.
My pain was so great I needed to hate you, I needed you to pay, needed you to suffer.
You killed my baby, you killed our baby, you killed me, and you killed us.
I remember your face when I lied to you, when I told you that I didn't love you. You were broken.
I was ashamed.
I am still ashamed,
I do not think I will ever truly understand the capacity for selflessness. I understand only that I have used up all the pain I have. I am empty, and you are the fuel I need. I lied when I said I didn't love you and that I hated you and would never forgive you the loss of our baby. I never truly blamed you for our loss, in the end the forgiveness is yours to give and I beg it right now.
I did love you.
I still do.
Please love me in return... /i
TBC
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