Title: The Anti-Girly Yami Story
Author: Phoenix87
Rating: PG, K+
Pairing: Seto/Yami
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Just a little OOC-ness at the end. Fluff?
Disclaimers: Yu-gi-oh does not belong to me. DRAT!
Summary: I think this one is self-explanatory. This is what happens when you read one too many of 'Poor Helpless Yami' stories. You retaliate.
Status: Completed: One Shot

(A/N: Guess what everyone? Today is my birthday! So, in celebration, I give you one of my favorite one shots; enjoy!)

The Anti-Girly Yami Story
"I am a MAN damn-it!"

Seto Kaiba looked up in surprise as his crimson-eyed lover burst threw his home office door. Putting his pen down he gave his partner his full attention.

"I'm going to need a little more back story on this love."

Yami seemed only too happy to comply. He rushed over to the desk and, after finding a suitable seat in Seto's lap, quickly accessed a web page.

"I was reading these stories and-"

"Wait, you were reading fan fiction?" Seto interrupted with a smirk. Yami turned around to glare at him.

"I was curious okay! Don't tell me you've never 'Googled' yourself!"

"3,760,000 hits." Seto responded even though he knew it wasn't a question.

"Nice but, not the point. AS I WAS SAYING! I was reading, and some of these stores are so, so degrading! Some of these authors all but put me in a dress and give me monthly periods!"

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"They make me so…so…girly! What are they thinking? I have shadow powers! I could crush their minds in a tenth of a second! I ruled a country! I RULED Egypt as PHARAOH! Don't you think I can take care of myself?"

"Of course-"

"Of course! Even if I didn't have my shadow powers I know self-defense. With all the people that try to kill us it's a necessity! I'm not a damsel in distress!"

Seto just watched trying not to let his amusement show on his face. He knew Yami was upset, but it was just so adorable. His lover's face was almost as red as his hair and he was ranting so badly that he didn't realize that he was repeating himself, making the same points in an endless circle. And just as Yami went into the third rendition of 'I have shadow powers' Seto had to interrupt him.

"Yami, Yami! Calm down! It doesn't matter what other people think!"

"OH easy for you to say! You never get rapped or beaten or kidnapped nearly as much as me!"

Seto's eyebrows shot up again.

"Good lord! What have you been reading?"

Yami slid off Seto's lap and stood in front of him determinedly.

"I proclaim that starting tomorrow morning no one shall ever put my sex into question again!"

"That was dramatic."

"Good night."

Yami spun on his heels and marched into their bedroom with an air of fury and newfound purpose. Seto looked after the shrinking figure and shook his head. Oh this was going to be interesting.

Seto rolled over the next morning looking to wrap his arm around his boyfriend but instead he was met with an empty bed. He groggily sat up and stared at the other side of the bed as if it would make Yami appear, but, of course, it didn't. So he dragged a few fingers threw his tousled brown locks then pulled himself down the stairs. The kitchen light was on so that was the logical place to enter. Yami was seated at the table, newspaper in hand, reading. Seto, still half asleep, wandered over to the coffee machine. It was capable of making three types of coffee at once, with different blends and textures but Seto just poured it black. He sipped on the coffee his mind reawakening slowly. It's then he realized that there was something different. The oven was on. He looked into the pans that were sitting on the red coils. In one was frying bacon and in the other were fried eggs.

"What happened to your oatmeal?"

"Real men eat bacon and eggs."

Seto rolled his eyes. Now he remembered. Yami's pledge.

"And you recall that heart disease is the number one killer of men?" he lifted up the pan containing the bacon and tipped it to the side. The fat from the meat slid collecting in a pool in the slanted pan. Making a disgusted sound the brunet let the pan fall to the stove before turning back to the table. In fact he turned just in time to see the newspaper shift up and down as Yami shrugged. "You don't care."

"I'll work it off."

"By?"

"I'm going to the gym." Yami said voiced laced with annoyance, as if Seto's answer was obvious. The CEO let that go as he pulled out a wooden chair and sat down. Reaching over the table he leafed threw the part of the paper that Yami wasn't looking at.

"Where's the business section?" he asked

"I'll give it to you when I'm done with it."

"You're reading the business section?"

The paper fell just low enough for Seto to be glared at with dark crimson eyes.

"What are you implying?"

The thought 'Don't Go There!' suddenly flashed threw the brunet's mind in blinking neon. So he grabbed a muffin, shoved it in his mouth and indicated that he couldn't respond because since he was SO busy chewing. Yami rolled his eyes and returned the paper to its original location. Seto finished his muffin and was working on the last of his coffee as he read what was on the part of the paper that was facing him. Then Yami folding up the paper and handed it to him just as he said. Although at the moment the shorter duelist lowered the paper, the latest stalk moves were the last thing on the CEO's mind. Keeping the coffee in his mouth was swiftly moved to the top of that list. Quickly a hand was planted over his mouth as he was thrown into a fit of laughter. And that was a very rare thing for Seto Kaiba to have. Oh, he was going to choke. Rushing over to the sink he spit the coffee out into the drain then laughed so hard he sank down in a squatting position leaning his forehead on the cool cabinets.

"And what is so funny?"

Seto turned around quickly glancing Yami up and down still red faced from snickering.

"What…what are you wearing?"

Yami looked down at himself. He was wearing his black boots, leather pants, leather belt, and the puzzle, of course, that was lying neatly on top of his new red plaid flannel shirt.

"Clothes Seto, I'm wearing clothes."

"Plaid!…and flannel!"

"This isn't flattering on you."

"You're telling me what's flattering?"

"SETO! I'm serious about this! No one would take me seriously wearing those skintight black tank tops! I was flipping around the TV and saw these men chopping down trees and they were all wearing this!" He grabbed a bit of his shirt and pulled at it for emphasis.

"Yami, baby, those were lumber-men!" Seto exclaimed shifting his place against the cabinets so he was sitting fully on the floor with his back pressed against the structures.

"Yes lumber-MEN. They have men right in their name!"

"But are you planning on chopping down a tree anytime soon?"

"That's not the point!" he was getting mad now, "You can at least try to be supportive."

Uh, oh time to reel this in.

"Your right love, I'm sorry." He cleared his throat to cover up the last of his laughter. "You look smashing…I can barely keep my hands off of you. I bet that flannel is very soft."

Yami sighed, then walked over to the other and pulled him back to his feet.

"Nice attempt."

"It's just, ah, a little hard to get used to that's all."

"Well get used to it. This is the new me. The new manly, take life by the horns and shake the heck out of it, me!"

Seto gave him a weird look as the former pharaoh strolled out of the room.

"Where are you going now?"

"I wanted to get the lawn mowed while it was still cool outside."

"You wanted to WHAT?"

But Yami was already out the back door. After heaving another sigh that was for no one's benefit but his own, the brunet chased after his boyfriend.

"Yami! Are you crazy? You do know how big our yard is right?"

Yami twisted around and glared at him hand coming to a rest on his hip automatically.

"What? You don't think I can handle it?"

"Of course not, stop trying to start a fight with me. It's just…the mowers are coming on Wednesday so you don't need to."

"But I want too."

Trapped. If Yami wanted something, he usually got it. And, what's worse, he knew that too.

"Okay…but, uh, drink a lot of water. Or something like that."

"Yami!" Seto stared in surprise as he walked into his downstairs bathroom a scant half-en hour since the hum of his lawn mower started to fill the air.

"What?"

"I thought you were mowing the lawn! What are you doing now?"

Yami didn't move out from underneath the sink, Seto found himself speaking to two legs instead of his boyfriend.

"I was following your orders by coming in for a drink of water, but when I tried to shut off the flow the faucet kept dripping. I'm fixing it."

"But you don't know anything about plumbing!"

"How hard can it be?" CLANK! CLANG! CLANK!

Seto cringed.

"Will you come out here and talk to me?"

"No. Hand me the other wrench, this pair isn't working" A small metal tool was whipped from beneath the sink landing at Seto's feet.

"That's because this is a pair of pliers!"

"Oh...interesting."

"Stop now before you bust a pipe."

"Leave me alone Seto. You're ruining my concentration."

The brunet's right eye twitched. Must not…yell at…boyfriend

"Okay, enough." Seto reached down and grabbed Yami by the legs with every intention of pulling the smaller duelist from the sink. But he didn't get to far. CLANK! "Yami! Let go of the pipes!"

"YOU let go of ME!"

The CEO let out a frustrated groan and let Yami's legs fall to the floor.

"Let me call a plumber" he sighed and leaned over the sink to look at his lovers face threw the drain hole "…please?"

"Baby, don't even worry about it…oops"

"Oops?" but before he could ask what the 'oops' was about a spray of water shot out of the drain hole and into his face. "GAH!" he stumbled back, tripped over the toilet, and landed on the hard tiled floor.

"Seto!" Yami finally extracted himself from the sink and ran over to the downed CEO. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." He let the other help him up. "Will you let me call now?"

"But I've almost got it!"

Okay tactic change.

"But what if it takes longer then you expect and you don't get to go to the gym?"

"Hum…I guess your right, go ahead."

Seto all ready had his cell phone out.

"Seto! I'm leaving now!"

The brunet turned his head from the bathroom, where he was watching the plumber, and looked towards the entryway. Yami had lost the flannel plaid for a more exercisable outfit of a lose white t-shirt, that Seto was pretty sure was his, and jean shorts. He walked up to his boyfriend.

"Don't over work yourself."

"I know what I'm doing. I'll be back in a few hours." He reached up to kiss Seto on the cheek, but then pulled away with a smirk.

"Yami, what's-?" but before the brunet could finish his sentence, Yami grabbed him by the waist and dipped Seto beneath him like in an old movie. Seto's mind immediately began calculating; this wasn't going to work, they were too off balanced. He was right. Yami was halfway to meeting his mouth when gravity attacked and pulled them both to the ground. The brunet hit the floor with a slam, the force only added to when Yami landed on top of him. The shorter duelist looked down at him.

"That wasn't how it was suppose to work."

"My heart's all a flutter."

"Just you wait. After a few weeks of working out I'm going to throw you down and-"

"You already threw me down."

"Well I'll pick you up first next time!"

"As long as you warn me so I can grab a helmet."

Yami poked him in the chest roughly

"Be supportive!"

"Ow! Geeze Yami!"

His lover just smirked in response and kissed him on the forehead.

"I'll be back in a few hours"

Seto stopped typing suddenly aware of noise down stares. Glancing up at his clock he realized it had been about four hours since Yami had left. He hoped Yami hadn't stayed at the gym for the whole four hours. Didn't he know that you had to work up to a work out of that length? He stealth-fully made his way down the stairs. The sound was coming from the living room, the huge flat screen TV to be exact. Poking his head into the large spacious room, Seto observed that American Football was playing on the screen. He rolled his eyes. Must be Yami. He didn't even know he had a channel that played football. What a dumb name for a sport were you never use your feet with the ball. But he wasn't all that interested in the game. Moving closer he saw Yami sprawled out on the couch, ice bags beneath his knees staring at the moving fingers as they slammed themselves into the opposing team. He backed himself out of the room to reenter in his normal- noise making- way. He didn't want Yami to know he was spying on him, but he wanted to know what was really going on and he knew that Yami wouldn't tell him. Yami's pride was in control now - and his pride was at a very delicate spot.

"There you are." Seto called out, a little louder then usual. "Did you stay at the gym this whole time?"

There was some movement on the couch that the brunet couldn't see, but he figured it was Yami trying to hide the ice packs.

"I've been back for about an hour." Yami replied, and a little breathlessly.

"Ah." Seto leaned over the couch and peered at the TV. "What are you watching?"

"The game."

"Who's winning?"

A pause

"The guys in the red."

"I see." He rounded the couch and sat down next to his boyfriend.

They stared at the TV in silence.

"Okay, I'm bored." Seto said after 10 excruciating minutes and reached for the remote. Yami slapped his hand.

"Don't. I'm watching this."

"Oh you are not!"

"For your information I'm very involved in this game!"

"You're just looking at their butts aren't you?"

"Seto!"

"It's okay, it's hard not to. They're always bending over and smacking each other. Actually this might not be such a bad sport after all."

Yami groaned.

"If you're just going to make rude comments I don't need you here."

"You're so snippy today."

"And you have your smart-ass switch stuck in the on position!"

Seto visibly tensed

"Okay Yami, this little," He waved his hand toward the TV, "thing, was entertaining at first, but now it's just annoying. And it's making you miserable!"

"Oh, you're an expert on my feelings now Seto?"

"Your pretending to be something your not and it shows. Think about how you felt before you read that slander and think about how you feel now. I'm certain you'll find a difference. I, for one, find the 'new you' a little difficult to get along with." he got up then and left disappearing into the kitchen.

Yami sighed as he watched his lover enter the kitchen. He got the annoying feeling that Seto was right. He found himself not liking the 'New Yami' either. For one thing, 'New Yami' sure yelled at 'Boyfriend Seto' a lot. 'Old Yami' would have been pleased that Seto had actually took 10 minutes to watch football when he obviously didn't want too. Old Yami wouldn't have had to hide ice packs from Seto because he was stupid and spent 3 hours in a gym where other people gave him strange looks the whole time. One of the gym workers had the nerve to tell him that he was skinny enough and insinuated that he had some type of body disorder. But…he didn't want to give up on this yet. There were just a few ticks to work out, that was all. Seto just had to except him. Leaving the couch he wandered over to the kitchen door. Seto was yanking pans out of the cabinets and throwing them on the stove.

"Seto…what are you doing?"

The other didn't even turn around.

"I'm making supper. I figured that wouldn't be manly enough for you to do."

Yeah, he was mad. Yami gulped. He weighed the options, should he approach the upset pan-wielding brunet?

"Seto…" he asked quietly

"Yes?" was the short reply

"Can you put that pan down?"

The CEO turned around slowly.

"I don't know, maybe I can knock some sense into you."

"Okay maybe I deserved that." He walked toward his lover carefully and took the pan out of his hand. Then wrapped his arm's around Seto's waist and laid his head down on the taller duelist's chest. "I'm sorry okay? I let this thing snowball out of control. Maybe I can tone things down a bit."

"No." Seto took him by the arms and made them make eye contact. "Just be yourself."

"Myself isn't good enough!"

"It was good enough for me!"

Yami took a step back.

"Seto…"

"Forget it. There are leftovers in the frig." He started to leave, but Yami reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Wait, we need to talk."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Do you want to talk to the 'old' me?"

That caught his attention.

"That depends on what he has to say." Seto replied folding his arms across his chest.

"He wants to say that you were right."

"Well… maybe I can stick around then."

Yami leaned against the counter staring at his love.

"I really have been foolish today haven't I? I was so caught up in what other people, people who I didn't even know, thought of me I was ignoring what the most important person to me thought. What good is any kind of Yami without a Seto to go with him?"

Seto fidgeted in his position.

"Continue."

"I was happier before the change. Let me tell you, flannel, it's freak' in boiling. Ra. And those men at the gym? They let off a stench that lasts 2 blocks." Yami caught Seto fight off a grin. "It's too much work being 'normal'." The former pharaoh continued, "Besides if I was able to get you as my old self, I must not have been all that bad."

"Damn right Yami. Just because you're not a stereotypical male doesn't mean you're not male! You pee standing up just like the rest of us."

"Wow…that was so romantic."

"You want romantic read a novel."

"What I want…actually…I think I want," he moved closer to the brunet and ran his index finger up his chest, "you."

"Oh really? Well then" Seto reached out to grab him but Yami twisted away with a smirk.

"Oh no!" he exclaimed

"What?"

"He's…he's coming back!"

"Huh? Who? What are you talking about?"

"It seems he wasn't done." Yami's arm flung out and the shorter duelist stared at it like he had no control, "it's…it's… 'New Yami!' Stop it New Yami! Leave him alone!"

Seto looked at him like he lost his mind.

"Run Seto! I can't hold him off forever!" Yami shoved his arm down only to raise it back up.

"Unless this is going to get kinky you better stop right now."

Suddenly Yami lunged at Seto and threw the brunet over his shoulder in a fireman's carry.

"YAMI! Put me down! You're only going to hurt yourself!"

"Sorry this is 'New Yami'. Regular Yami's gone right now leave a message after the tone. … BEEP!"

"I hate it when you get playful."

"You won't hate it soon."

Yami managed to carry Seto all the way to the start of the stairs were he was forced to let the brunet down. He wasn't that crazy.

"Um…lets just pretend I carried you up the stairs."

The next day Seto found Yami sitting in front of the computer in their bedroom. Coming up behind him he placed his hands on either side of the chair's back and plopped his chin down on Yami's head.

"Please tell me you're not reading those stories again."

"It's okay Seto, I'm not going to go threw another identity crisis. Now, I find them kind of funny."

"Hn."

Seto let his eyes scan the story on the page. He gave a strangled gasp of surprise.

"What in the HELL am I doing in a French maid dress!"

END.

(A/N: yeah that was weird. Sometimes I don't know what gets into me. FYI: I used a fireman's carry cause I heard it's about the only way to carry people that are bigger then you. Therefore more stable then the dipping part earlier in the story. For my birthday I request the gift of reviews!)