I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 5
Anomen was once again trying to find Jaheira so they could talk privately, but in a far different frame of mind than he had been when he had sought her out before. Anomen had had enough; enough of Jaheira's stormy temper and equally stormy silences, enough of being dressed down for every error he made, real or imagined, enough of wondering why she was behaving as she was. He wanted answers, and by Helm, he would have them.
Jaheira had not made an appearance at breakfast, so Anomen searched in the areas used most commonly by their group, and the outside areas adjacent to them, but to no avail. He was debating whether he dared try her room when he came upon her unexpectedly in a side corridor.
"Jaheira, I have been looking for you. We need to talk in private."
When he was considering whether to confront Jaheira, he had envisioned several possible responses on her part, none of them pleasant. So he was quite surprised when she looked at him evenly and responded, "Yes, it is time—and past time—for us to talk."
They found an unoccupied room nearby that was often used for small gatherings. Determined not to let Jaheira get the upper hand, Anomen began speaking as soon as the door was closed.
"Jaheira, I'm not sure why you have been so angry with me these last few days, but it must stop. For one thing, I have done nothing to merit such ire, and for another, if you continue the others are bound to notice that I am the particular target of your temper and wonder why."
"They already have, or at least Dani has." Jaheira replied calmly. "She took me aside yesterday and told me in no uncertain terms that my behavior was unacceptable and that I should stop, in her words, 'picking on' you. It was…hard having my actions criticized in that way, but I know that she is right. It was wrong for me to treat you as I have been, and for that I apologize." She paused. "The last time we spoke you offered to be my friend; I think I would like that, if the offer is still open."
Anomen was so delighted by her change in attitude his first thought was to gratefully accept her offer of friendship. But some instinct warned him against taking this seemingly easy and painless path to the resolution of their problems. And upon reflection he knew why; for if he accepted her apology and her friendship now, he would probably never get the answers he needed.
"Thank you Jaheira, for your kind offer. And a week ago, I would have been delighted to accept it. But now?" He shook his head. "I'm sorry Jaheira, it's not enough."
This was clearly not the response Jaheira had anticipated. "Not enough? What do you mean, 'not enough'? What do you want from me?"
"What I want is to be treated with the respect I believe I have earned. I have kept the secret about our night together; I have respected your wishes by not pressing to continue the relationship; I even abandoned my hopes for a friendship with you when you made it clear that you did not want one. I think I have at least earned the courtesy of honesty from you."
"Honesty? What are you talking about? I've been honest with you!" Jaheira replied, with a hint of desperation in her voice.
"You may never have told me an outright untruth, Jaheira, but it's clear even now you are doing your best to avoid explaining why you were so adamant that we could not be friends, and in particular, why you have been so angry with me for the last few days. Jaheira, did you think I did not notice that you only became openly hostile to me after you saw me with another woman? If you are as indifferent to me as pretend, why would you do that?"
Anomen stepped close to her, gripped her arms so she would have to face him, and asked, "Why, Jaheira, have you been treating me this way? What is it you want, and what do you want from me?"
Jaheira did not pull away, but looked away to avoid meeting his eyes. "I…I have found that it is easier to go from feeling nothing to feeling something than it is to go back to feeling nothing again. I suppose I still want someone in my life."
"Just 'someone' Jaheira? If you just want 'someone' to warm your bed there are a hundred men here who would be happy to oblige and would be just as discreet as I have been." He gave her a half-smile. "Some might even be better lovers. And yet, you chose to punish me when you saw me with someone else." He caught her eyes and asked intently, "Do you want my company, Jaheira?"
"Anomen, I…" Jaheira began and then her words faltered. She seemed frozen by indecision and unable to speak, but she gave Anomen a look of such naked entreaty that he realized he would need to take the lead.
He pulled her into a tight embrace and whispered in her ear, "Is this what you want, Jaheira? For us to be lovers again?" She trembled in his arms but did not try to pull away. He leaned down to give her a lingering kiss, and after a moment's hesitation, Jaheira put her arms around his neck and returned the kiss with equal fervor.
When they separated, Jaheira leaned her head against Anomen's broad chest and said, a little breathlessly. "Oh, Anomen."
"Well, I am going to need a bit more explanation than that!" Anomen snorted, and disengaged himself from Jaheira's arms. "I am at a utter loss to understand what you want from me and why you have been behaving as you have been. Now you welcome my kisses and get angry when you see me with another woman, but not a week ago you told me that you wanted nothing to do with me! Is this some sort of game?"
"No! Anomen…" Jaheira began.
"You used me, Jaheira" Anomen continued, unable to keep the pain out of his voice. "You used me and then cast me aside when you no longer needed me. Why should I believe this latest change of heart will have a different result?"
Jaheira looked at him beseechingly and finally composed herself enough to respond. "Anomen, I understand why it seems like deliberate cruelty on my part; asking you to spend the night with me, then pushing you away so harshly with no explanation, but that was never my intention. I…I did that because I was frightened."
"Frightened? What have I done that could have frightened you?" Anomen asked in surprise.
Jaheira sighed. "You've done nothing to frighten me; you've been nothing but patient and considerate. Anomen, I was a fool—I thought I could invite you to stay with me for one night and we could both walk away unaffected. It wasn't supposed to matter." She said, almost to herself.
"It mattered to me." Anomen replied quietly.
Jaheira reached up to gently touch Anomen's face. He flinched slightly but did not push her away. "I know, Anomen; as I said, I was a fool to think otherwise." Anomen was about to speak again, but Jaheira held up a hand to stop him. "Please let me finish while I have the courage to do so." She took a deep breath to steady herself and continued. "What frightened me and made me push you away was how much our night together did matter to me. I wasn't ready to feel that way again, and I wasn't ready to accept that you were the one who touched me so."
"It…shames me to admit this, but I tried to justify my actions by telling myself you deserved no better. Dani finally made me acknowledge what I think I have known for a long time; you are not the same man now that you were when you left the Order, and that even then you were a good man under all your anger and pain."
Anomen felt the tight ball of anger that he had been nursing since Jaheira had rebuffed him ease somewhat. He wanted to believe her and accept her apology, but was hesitant to trust her again, and reluctant to reveal just how much he wanted her to think well of him. Jaheira must have sensed his dilemma, because she embraced him and murmured, her voice shaking with emotion. "I'm so sorry, Anomen. It grieves me that I hurt you, that I rejected the friendship you offered because I was too cowardly to face how much our night together meant to me. You deserve so much better."
By Helm, I think she means it! Anomen thought as he returned her embrace and said gruffly, "Thank you, Jaheira, I must confess that your good opinion is of value to me."
"More than it is worth, I'm sure." Jaheira said lightly. "I spent much of last night thinking, and finally forced myself to face some inconvenient truths. For one thing, I came to see that I cannot use my memories of Khalid as an excuse to run from what life is offering me now, especially if running means that I hurt someone who has shown me nothing but kindness. Khalid would not want that, nor do I.
"However, the bitterest irony for me was in realizing that not only have I treated you shamefully, but I did so because as much as I've tried to deny it, I do want you to have a place in my life." Jaheira reddened. "You are right. I don't just want 'someone' in my life, I want you."
Anomen shook his head in bafflement. "Then why didn't you say that when I asked you what you wanted just now?"
Jaheira looked away, unable to meet his eyes. "I didn't think you'd still want me. You don't seem like the kind of man who easily forgives ill use, especially by someone you trusted," she added bluntly. "I thought you would be too angry to have anything to do with me, but I knew I had an obligation to at least try to explain and make amends."
"Make amends and ask me to be your lover again?" Anomen asked pointedly.
Jaheira shook her head sadly. "Ah, no. There is a difference between what I want and what I feel I can, in good conscience, ask of you."
Anomen fell silent and walked away from her, pausing at the room's balcony to gaze thoughtfully out at the trees of Suldanesselar. After a few moments he turned back to speak to the anxiously waiting Jaheira. He put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.
"Jaheira," he began, "As was true from the beginning, you have my friendship if you want it. But even though you are being most careful not to ask more of me," Anomen gave her a sardonic smile and Jaheira blushed, "I don't think we can ignore what more there could be between us. Please understand that wanting has never been the question, I have wanted you since the first moment you kissed me. And if you had told me that night or the next day what you have told me today, you would have been hard pressed to find a happier man in all of Suldanesselar."
Jaheira cleared her throat and looked away. "I suspected as much. But now…"
"But now, even though I want you, I'm not sure I can trust you." He paused, and caught her gaze. "It's not that I don't believe your explanation for why you acted as you did—I do believe it, and I believe you sincerely regret hurting me. I can see that after losing Khalid it would be frightening to consider starting a relationship with someone else."
"But if you've hurt me once without intending to, what's to prevent you from doing so again, still with the best intentions? I'm not saying 'no, never', Jaheira, but I need some time to think things over and decide what I want." Anomen saw the look of consternation on Jaheira's face at his words, and he quickly added, "Please don't think I expect you to put your life on hold while I make up my mind; I know that I have no special claim on your heart."
Somehow, that does not make this easier, Jaheira thought. Her mind was a tumult of conflicting emotions; relief that he had not rejected her outright; dismay that the situation between them was still not resolved, and humiliation that she was left waiting for a man to make up his mind about her. But her strongest feeling was anger at herself for the foolish choices that had put her in this position. However, when she spoke, she managed to suppress all but a hint of emotion in her voice. "I understand, Anomen, thank you. Regardless of anything else, I will gladly accept your friendship."
Anomen leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips, surprised again by how much even such brief contact stirred him. "Then goodbye for now, Jaheira."
After Anomen left, Jaheira sat in the darkening room for some time, alone with her thoughts and her regrets.