Chapter 6
Jaheira saw Anomen frequently over the next few days. True to his word, he was friendly enough but not overly familiar. After her behavior of the past few days, the others at first treated Jaheira with exaggerated caution, which soon gave way to obvious relief that the storm, whatever its cause, had finally passed. For her part, Jaheira's behavior toward Anomen was, if not above reproach, all Dani could wish for.
One day, Dani approached her and conspiratorially pulled her aside. Dani smiled at Jaheira and whispered, "I'm happy to see that you seem to be getting along much better with Anomen these days, Jaheira. Did you talk to him and get things worked out?"
"Yes Dani, I did speak to him, and as you predicted, he was quite reasonable. You needn't be concerned that I will terrorize him anymore."
Dani was pleased, but still rather bewildered because Jaheira looked so unhappy.
On a few occasions, Elenelle appeared in Anomen's company, but Jaheira was unable to tell from their manner whether their relationship was becoming closer or not. And for someone like Jaheira, who relied upon herself and preferred to face problems head on, not knowing what was happening or how Anomen felt was intensely frustrating. Many times she considered confronting him to demand answers, and was only able to suppress the urge to do so with a firm reminder that she only had herself to blame for the situation. Which, though unquestionably true, did little to ease her dissatisfaction and impatience.
Days passed, and Jaheira was beginning to resign herself to the fact that Anomen had lost interest in any relationship but friendship. If she occasionally noticed that he was gazing at her with more than friendly interest, surely it was no more often than she found herself doing the same in return.
One day when she was sitting alone trying to read a rather dry volume of Tethyrian history, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder and Anomen's voice murmured, "Jaheira, could I speak to you, my lady?"
Jaheira looked up into Anomen's dark eyes and her heart lurched. "Yes, yes of course, Anomen." She had been so impatient for this moment, but now that it had come she wanted nothing more than to have time stand still so she wouldn't have to face him. Jaheira stole a glance at Anomen as she stood up to follow him; but his face revealed nothing. As he guided her to a nearby room where they could be alone, she became uncomfortably aware of the warmth of his hand on her elbow. She shook her head at her own foolishness. When did his touch become so important to me?
They reached a small antechamber and Anomen ushered her inside, closing the door firmly after them. Jaheira took a seat on a small couch on one side of the room, and Anomen pulled up a chair opposite her. He leaned forward, took her hand and caught her gaze intently.
"Jaheira, thank you for the time you've granted me." He smiled at her "It was helpful to have some time to think things over without the…distraction of your presence." Jaheira herself was so distracted by his smile and the feel of her hand in his that she had to reprimand herself not to read too much into it.
Anomen continued. "But I'm afraid I must ask you to indulge me a little longer; I have made a decision, but feel I should explain how and why I came to that decision."
Jaheira' heart sank. It was clear that he was trying to make his 'no' decision as painless as possible for her. Fighting back tears, she stood and said with as much dignity as she could muster, "Thank you for your consideration, Anomen, but I needn't take up any more of your time."
Anomen looked alarmed and captured her hand again to prevent her from leaving. "Jaheira, don't go. Please hear me out; it is important to me that I tell you this. I have never spoken of it to anyone else" The plea in his eyes was so clear and heartfelt that she felt she could not refuse. I owe him this much, Jaheira thought. She nodded assent and sat down across from him again.
"Thank you, my lady. It is a long tale, but I will try to tell it as briefly as possible. You were present during the events precipitated by my sister's murder, the…actions I took and my resulting expulsion from the Order." Anomen reddened and looked away, unable to meet her eyes.
Jaheira was astonished. Anomen hadn't spoken of the killing of Saerk and his daughter since shortly after it happened, and then it was to proclaim the rightness of his actions. Similarly, he rarely mentioned the Order, and always before it was to express anger and disdain at their rejection of him. Clearly, something had changed his thinking on the subject. Despite her impatience to hear his decision, Jaheira found herself listening intently.
"As you know, between grief for my sister and the pain and humiliation caused by my dismissal from the Order, that was a very dark time for me. And it was made worse when the woman I thought of as my one true friend and the love of my life, Danira, gave her heart to Kelsey rather than to me." Jaheira was about to speak, but Anomen held up his hand to forestall her and continued. "You needn't say anything, my lady. I know now that Dani followed her heart and was right to do so, but at the time it was a bitter, bitter blow."
"For a time, it seemed that the only being that saw any worth in me was Helm himself. For despite the whispered predictions of some at the Order, Helm chose not to withdraw his power from me. Whether he felt I could still be of some small use as his servant, or he simply took pity on me, I will never know." Anomen looked up at her, his eyes haunted. "Whatever his reason, it saved my life. I think I would have gone mad if I had lost his favor along with everything else I valued."
"As you also know, after my expulsion from the Order, Dani let me stay and travel with the group. I cannot tell you how many times in those early days I vowed to leave her company and strike out on my own. Yet, I stayed, though the sight of Dani with Kelsey was like a blade in my heart. I told myself that I was staying to protect Dani in case Kelsey should prove to be dangerous or unfaithful, but in truth, I had nowhere else to go."
"So every morning I awoke, and ate, and traveled, and fought alongside all of you, though I can only imagine just how unpleasant my company must have been at that time. Then one morning, I awoke and found that it didn't hurt quite as much to see Dani and Kelsey together. And when I put on my armor and gathered my weapons for the day, I realized I had regained at least a glimmer of the desire to fight for a worthy cause that had so guided my life as a squire. What's more, my Lord Helm obviously approved of my path too, for he was gifting me with increased power to use in his name."
"I found that somehow, all unknowing, I had in my hands the prospect of a new and purposeful life." Anomen smiled wryly, "I was not the life I had dreamed of as a young boy and as a squire—marching under the banner of the Order and smiting evil in the name of righteousness, but still, it was a life I could be proud of."
"I had been so wrapped up in my misery and my jealousy that I hadn't realized until then what a wondrous gift Dani had given me. She could not give me her love, but she gave me something almost as precious, her friendship and her trust when I was in dire need of someone who would believe in me, and she gave me a purpose in life when I had none." Anomen's voice cracked a little, and he paused to compose himself. "It is a debt I can never repay. That is why I will fight alongside her—fight for her as long as she needs me."
Jaheira felt renewed shame at Anomen's words; not only for how she had treated him recently, but also for urging Dani to force him to leave after he was rejected by the Order.
Anomen continued. "But I also realized that if I was to become the man that Helm and Dani needed me to be, it was essential that I must learn how to control my damnable temper. My father's true legacy." He added bitterly. "I feel I have made…progress toward ruling my anger rather than letting it rule me, but some days my control seems more uncertain than others." He caught her eyes. "For instance, on the day you turned away my offer of friendship."
"After our last conversation, I asked myself whether I should risk whatever small measure of happiness and stability I've found in this new life of mine for someone who may very well betray my trust again. I think the sane answer, the rational answer to that question is 'no'."
Jaheira suddenly found it difficult to breathe, and to her humiliation, tears stung her eyes. There is no point in hearing more. She stood up and said tersely, "Thank you for your consideration, Anomen. I will take my leave now."
Anomen, caught by surprise, started and said, "Jaheira, wait, please!" His plea went unheeded as Jaheira headed for the door. Anomen stood and grasped her arm, "Jaheira, please wait, I am not finished!"
"Anomen, what more is there to say? There is no rational reason for you to become involved with me. Now let me go."
"Perhaps Helm knows why I am drawn to a woman as aggravating as you, for I do not! Please listen to me, Jaheira!"
Jaheira tugged on her arm, but it was useless; Anomen was far stronger than she was and determined not to let her escape. She decided to try another tack; Jaheira glared at Anomen and said, "You are not behaving like a gentleman!"
To Jaheira's surprise, Anomen laughed. "No, I am not. But a true gentleman would have politely declined the invitation to lie with you in the first place. You didn't want a gentleman then, are you sure you want one now?" He asked, with a lifted eyebrow and a challenging glint in his eyes.
His voice softened, and he looked at her imploringly. "Jaheira, please let me finish what I was saying; I think you will not be displeased. I swear on my honor as a Priest of Helm that if you listen to me now and still want to leave when I'm done, I will not try to stop you."
The look in his eyes and the tone of his voice made her heart beat faster. She glanced away, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze. "I will listen."
"Thank you, my lady." Before releasing her arm Anomen chanted a quick healing spell to remove any bruising. "I am sorry, Jaheira. I did not want to hurt you, but I did not relish the prospect of trailing behind you in the hall, shouting my feelings for all the world to hear."
"Jaheira, as I was about to say, the safe and rational decision would be for me to protect myself, protect this new life of mine by turning away from you." He took her hands in his and his eyes sought hers. "But I cannot, I will not, live my life ruled only by what is safe and rational, especially when taking a chance might win me something I so desire." He smiled and touched her cheek. "Besides, I have the life I do now because Dani took a risk and trusted me, when the safe choice would have been to ask me to go. It seems…fitting to me that I should do the same for you."
"So Jaheira, what say you? Do you still want the company of an ungentlemanly Priest of Helm?"
Jaheira looked into his eyes and saw all that she hoped to see there. Her breath came hard and she had difficulty getting words past the lump in her throat. Somehow, she was able to smile and maintain her composure. "It is…possible, Anomen. But first I have one question for you. What of your friend, Elenelle? That is her name, is it not?"
Anomen, obviously surprised by her question, barked out a laugh, and then peered at her face intently. "Why, Jaheira, I never noticed how very green your eyes look in this light." Jaheira reddened. "Yes, that is her name." Anomen added.
"She is very beautiful." Jaheira added.
"Yes, she is very beautiful." Anomen agreed.
"And most likely, far less aggravating than I am." Jaheira continued.
"Of that, you may be certain." Anomen replied dryly.
"And very willing, if I read the signs aright." Jaheira noted pointedly.
"Jaheira, you know that it would be extremely ungentlemanly of me to even comment on that suggestion!" Anomen said in a voice heavy with offended virtue. Jaheira laughed.
"Hmmph. As I suspected." Jaheira grabbed the front of Anomen's tunic and pulled him close, her cheek next to his. "Then why," she asked in an undertone, "are you here with me, Anomen Delryn?"
Anomen smiled and put his arms around her. "I can think of several possible reasons, my lady. One is that I like a challenge."
"Another possibility is that I like a woman who will stand up to me and call me a fool when I deserve it. And perhaps even sometimes when I don't deserve it."
Anomen caught Jaheira's eyes and held her tighter. "But I think the most likely reason is that she never stirred me half as much as you do, Jaheira." There was a look of such unguarded tenderness in Anomen's eyes that Jaheira almost stopped breathing for a moment.
Jaheira struggled against her desire to fling herself into his arms and kiss him passionately; instead she fixed Anomen with a stern look and asked, "Well, Anomen, then what of Elenelle? Were you lovers? Are you lovers?"
Anomen stared at Jaheira for a moment in amazement and shook his head, chuckling. "When I was in training with the Church and the Order, they warned of us of the many perils we would face. It was a grave oversight on their part not to number beautiful, stubborn, half-elven druids among them."
Jaheira was about to speak again, but Anomen held up a hand to deter her. "Peace, Jaheira! I can see that evasion is useless. Nay, my lady, Elenelle and I are not lovers, and we never were."
"When you first saw us together, we had known each other for only a short time. Elenelle is not quite as…forward as you when it comes to soliciting bed partners." Anomen glanced at Jaheira to see if she would rise to the bait. To his disappointment, she snorted but did not otherwise comment. "So we had not yet been intimate."
"Then, after it became clear that you were not quite as indifferent to my charms as you pretended, I felt it would be unwise to take another lover while things were so unsettled between us." Anomen shrugged. "But I was tempted, and in honesty, if you had not shown an interest in continuing our relationship, I probably would have."
This time, it was Anomen who regarded Jaheira intently. "Jaheira, my lady, as I recall you didn't exactly answer my question: Do you still want me to have a place in your life—in your arms?"
Jaheira caressed the back of his neck and pulled him close until she could feel his breath on her cheek. "Oh, Anomen, you are a fool if you have to ask."
Anomen laughed. "Then I am content in my folly."
No more words were needed. Anomen pulled her into a tight embrace and kissed her teasingly, which only served to fuel their passion for each other. Jaheira returned the embrace and drew him toward her again for a long, slow kiss that left them both breathless and trembling with desire.
After a time, Anomen asked, "Now that we have established that I want you and you want me, what should we do about it? Should I come to your room tonight?"
Jaheira gave Anomen a sly smile. "I have a better idea. I think I shall go back to my room now. If you were to stop by in say, ten minutes or so, I believe I will be ready to receive visitors."
Anomen grinned at her. "Another reason I hadn't considered! I do like a woman who knows what she wants. I will be there, my lady."
Jaheira turned to leave and Anomen caught her arm, the laughter gone from his eyes. "Can I trust you this time, Jaheira?" He asked intently.
She met his eyes. "I'm not sure any assurances I can give will be adequate, Anomen. I have certainly given you no reason to trust my bare word. But perhaps it will help if I tell you that I am no longer frightened. I want this; I want you, and not for just a night."