Chapter 7
Anomen and Jaheira's relationship continued as it had begun. They discussed whether to reveal their affair to the others, but neither felt ready for such scrutiny. Instead, every few days there would be a whispered conference in a secluded corner or a note slipped from hand to hand, and arrangements would be made. Anomen would knock discreetly on her door after the others were asleep, and would be gone again before morning.
The weeks passed quickly in Suldanesselar.
Jaheira could not sleep. It was late, and Anomen had left a few minutes before, but still, she could not sleep. She got up, put on a robe, and went out onto the balcony of her room, seeking fresh air to clear her head.
As she gazed at the stars in the clear night sky, her mind went back to a conversation she had with Dani earlier. Every day there were more reports of Bhaalspawn and their armies wreaking havoc in Tethyr. Queen Ellesime had not yet made her wishes known, but it was clear from the occasional fearful glances directed at Dani and Imoen that their status as the saviors of Suldanesselar would not protect them from suspicion for much longer. What their path and purpose would be was still unknown, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that soon they would all have to leave Suldanesselar.
Jaheira had counseled Dani as best she could in such an uncertain situation, but she could not share her own personal dilemma at the prospect of leaving; how it would affect her relationship with Anomen. Their relationship was still a secret from the others, though at times Jaheira suspected that was as much due to her and Anomen's supposed indifference to each other than it was to their discretion.
However, keeping their relationship a secret would be nigh impossible once they left Suldanesselar—normally at inns or when camping rough, Jaheira shared her room or tent with Imoen. She could see no way to request a private room without the others wondering why she needed one, and sneaking off into the underbrush held no appeal for her. That left only two real choices; she and Anomen must either let the others know about their relationship, or it must end.
Jaheira told herself that whatever happened, she would go on with her life as before, but knew in her heart what her decision would be if it were her choice alone. Anomen had come to mean so much to her in the weeks they had been together, more than she would have believed possible when she first invited him to stay with her. His warmth, good humor, and the comfort he offered made their nights together the best part of her time in Suldanesselar. So much so that sometimes it was hard to keep the laughter and secrets they shared at night from spilling over into the day for all to see. She didn't love him as she had Khalid, but her heart sank at the thought of losing what they had together.
But the decision was not up to her alone. And as eager as he was to spend his nights with her, Jaheira was not sure what his choice would be. For all their shared confidences, Jaheira sensed in Anomen passion held back; trust kept in reserve; and a deep well of pain behind his eyes that she could not touch. It bothered her that since their first time together, he had never again asked if he could stay through the night in her room. She could not help but worry that her fear and uncertainty at the beginning of their relationship had irreparably damaged his trust in her.
All she could do was wait and hope he would come to trust her more fully, and that he valued their relationship as much as she did. But I cannot wait too long, she thought worriedly. Decisions have to be made, and soon.
The next night, Jaheira was surprised by a knock on her door. She and Anomen had not made arrangements for him to come to her that night, and she was not expecting anyone else.
She opened the door to find a very disheveled-looking Anomen leaning heavily against the doorframe. Anomen was a tidy man by nature, and had never entirely abandoned the discipline he had learned in the Order, so his appearance was a shock. At first, she was concerned that he might have been injured in some way, but when she neared him the scent of alcohol almost overwhelmed her. Hmph. No, not injured, just thoroughly and completely drunk.
"Oh Anomen, what has happened, what have you done?" Jaheira cried. Like his untidy appearance, his drunkenness was unexpected. Normally he was quite cautious in his drinking habits, for reasons Jaheira understood and thoroughly approved. She had not seen him in this condition since the black days following his expulsion from the Order. She felt something else must be at work besides a simple lapse in self-control. When he looked up at her, his dark eyes were haunted, confirming her suspicions.
"I am sorry, Jaheira. I know you were not expecting me tonight, and certainly not in this condition. But I…I need to talk to someone tonight—I need you, if you'll have me."
"Oh, you exasperating man." Jaheira replied acerbically. "Do you honestly think I'll shut the door in your face? Come in before you fall down."
"Thank you, my lady. I must confess I am feeling rather unsteady."
She guided him to a chair and helped him into it. "Now, Anomen, tell me what happened. You were fine when I saw you at dinner. This isn't like you!"
Anomen sighed. "I have my own personal anniversary of grief, it seems. You know how the days drift by in this place—it is easy to lose track of the weeks we've spent here." He smiled and caught her hand. "Though our time here has been quite memorable for many reasons."
"Well, after I saw you earlier, I realized it is Moira's birthing-day. She would have been twenty years old today." His voice cracked with emotion. "I was thinking of her, wondering what she would be like now, and what she might be doing. I thought how proud she would have been of our accomplishments, and…and it hit me hard, the missing her."
"Oh Anomen." When Jaheira put her arms around him, he pulled her onto his lap and buried his face in her neck.
"I was in what passes for a tavern in this place, and halfway to drinking myself into oblivion, when I came to believe that some elves at another table were talking about me. Of course I couldn't understand what they were saying, but something in their faces or their tones made me think they were mocking me." Anomen's face grew grim and he continued. "I got up to confront them, and when I did, one of them recognized me and greeted me in quite a friendly manner. He spoke enough Common to thank me—thank me!—for helping to save Suldanesselar.
"Well, as you can imagine, it made me feel like the biggest fool in Faerun—which I no doubt am—and it also made me realize that behaving like my drunken bastard of a father is a damned poor way to honor Moira's memory. I suppose I should have gone back to my room when I left the tavern, but I couldn't bear to be alone, so I came here."
"Anomen, you are an idiot. Why didn't you come to me first, instead of trying to drink yourself to death?"
"Jaheira, I wasn't sure what kind of welcome I'd receive. You have your own grief and I didn't want to impose. Grieving for a sister isn't quite the same as grieving the loss of a husband."
"No, they're not quite the same, but you should know that you can come to me when you're in pain. Do you really have such a low opinion of me that you thought I'd turn you away when you needed me?"
"Jaheira, you know I don't have a low opinion of you. It's just that…I thought…" He gave up trying to order his muddled thoughts. "I'm damned if I know what I thought." He pulled her closer. "Thank you Jaheira, it helps to talk to someone about it."
"I know it does." She said softly and they held each other for a time in silence.
Finally, Anomen spoke, in a hearty tone that didn't fool Jaheira for a moment. "Thank you again, milady, for your sympathy and understanding. If you allow me a few more minutes to compose myself, I am sure I can find my way back to my own room."
Jaheira snorted. "Do you really think I'm going to let you wander the halls in your condition?" She gave him a crooked smile. "You might pass out in front of my door and then what would people say?"
She got up from his lap and pulled him to his feet. "Let's get you to bed."
"My lady," Anomen protested, "surely you don't want a disgusting drunkard to share your bed tonight!"
"Anomen, you are not a disgusting drunkard." She eyed him critically. "Well not too disgusting, anyway. You are the same man who has shared my bed these last few weeks; just a little worse for wear. Now let me help you undress. If you pass out in your clothes you are far too heavy for me to handle alone."
Anomen started to renew his protests but he quickly realized that she was determined and it was useless to argue. Soon they were both undressed and lying on the bed in each other's arms.
At first he seemed content just to hold her, but before long her nearness aroused his desire. When she responded to his touch, his need quickly became urgent, and he pulled her roughly to him and called her name, kissing her with unfeigned need. Gone was the gentle lover of their previous encounters, replaced by one both fiercer and wilder who took her with a passion that both surprised and exhilarated Jaheira.
When they lay together after their passion was spent, Anomen looked at her, chagrined. "My lady, I must apologize, I fear I was not as attentive to your needs as I should have been. I don't know what came over me…I hope I did not injure you."
"I may have a few bruises tomorrow, but no, you didn't injure me. And although I'm not sure I'd want you to make love to me like that every time, I have no complaints." She caught his eyes. "It must have been what you needed tonight, Anomen, so don't apologize."
"Thank you for your understanding, although I'm not sure I deserve it. Jaheira, I'd like to stay with you a while, if I might."
Jaheira shook her head in exasperation. "Anomen, you don't have to ask! Stop worrying about offending me or imposing on me and let me help you. It's the least I can do."
He smiled at her, and she was happy to note that a glimmer of the old, brash Anomen had returned. "Aye, I can try to do that, Jaheira."
After they lay together for a time, Jaheira felt wetness on the arm that cradled Anomen's head. He was crying silently, finally able to release the grief he had been holding in check all night.
"Oh, Anomen." Jaheira said, reaching to touch his tear-stained face.
"Jaheira, she was beautiful and good, and other than my mother, the one person in my life who truly loved me. Gods! I still miss her."
"I know you do, Anomen, I know you do." She held him as he cried himself to sleep.