The next morning Anomen awoke early, courtesy of a dry mouth and throbbing head. He was disoriented at first, but when he opened his eyes to see Jaheira's room and Jaheira herself sleeping next to him, the events of the previous night came rushing back.
I should have been gone hours ago! Why didn't she wake me? Getting up as quietly as possible, Anomen began to furtively gather his clothes for a quick departure. As he prepared to dress, he glanced over to see if Jaheira was still asleep. She was, and the sight of her curled neatly, almost cat-like, on her side of the bed, made his heart skip a beat. His mind went back to the night before when she had held him and comforted him when he needed it the most.
By Helm, he did not want to leave! He wanted to hold her when she awoke, and kiss her and tell her how much she meant to him… Then again, perhaps not, he thought to himself with a sigh. But surely it won't do any harm to stay since it's already morning.
Careful not to wake her, Anomen got back into bed. She looked so lovely he considered wrapping his arms around her and kissing her awake. Instead, he lay beside her and watched her sleeping for a time.
Of course she doesn't snore, he chuckled to himself, she would never permit herself such an undignified habit.
Jaheira awoke to the feel of Anomen's beard against her cheek. It tickled.
"Wha? Anomen?" Anomen grinned and pinned her against the bed, kissing her soundly and thoroughly before releasing her.
"Good morning, my lady."
"What are you doing, assaulting me at this hour of the morning?" She meant to sound angry, but seeing the mischievous look on Anomen's face took the sting out of her voice.
"When I realized I had slept through the night," Anomen replied, "my first thought was to gather my clothes and sneak away before you awoke. But that would have been both pointless and rude, so I decided to stay and wake you up instead. A much more enjoyable choice, if I do say so."
He sobered and looked at her searchingly. "Jaheira, why didn't you wake me last night?"
Jaheira reached up and smoothed his disordered hair affectionately. "I've been thinking about asking you to stay for a while, and last night the time seemed right."
He took her hand. "Any regrets, Jaheira?"
She squeezed his hand and smiled. "No, not a one. What about you?"
"The last three ales I drank last night were definitely not the wisest choice I have ever made…" Anomen began, and then laughed when Jaheira rolled her eyes. "But waking up with you? No, no regrets." He took her in his arms and they lay together for a while in contented silence.
"Anomen," Jaheira began with some hesitation, "I suspect we will be leaving Suldanesselar soon, which means we have some decisions before us. Keeping our relationship a secret was difficult enough here; but it will be virtually impossible once we leave."
"I don't think I want to keep it a secret anymore, Jaheira." Anomen replied. "I suppose it served its purpose at first, but I am very tired of sneaking around and pretending there is nothing between us."
"Then you do not want to end our relationship?" Jaheira asked pointedly.
"End it? By the gods, no! Perhaps I have been remiss in saying so, but I…I care for you Jaheira, and I don't want to lose what we have."
Jaheira gave him a skeptical look. "You care for me but you don't trust me."
"Don't trust you? Jaheira, you know I wasn't sure I could trust you in the beginning, but that was weeks ago! I trust you now. Why do you think I don't trust you?"
Jaheira chose not to answer the question directly, but instead asked, "Last night, when you were grieving for your sister, why didn't you turn to someone for help? You know that if you had gone to Dani or Imoen, they would have done their best to comfort you. Even Minsc would have tried to help in his own way. But you decided to drink yourself stupid. Why was that?"
"I didn't even think of going to them for help, though I suppose I knew they would not turn me away. But I didn't want any of them, Jaheira, I wanted you. You were the first person I thought of, but…"
"But what? I suppose I should give you credit for coming to me eventually, but why did you have to drown yourself in ale before you could trust me to help you when you were in pain?" Her voice softened. "Do you think the time we've spent together means nothing to me? Or that the only reason you matter to me is that you warm my bed?"
"No! No, Jaheira, I don't think that! I thought…I hoped that you care for me as I care for you, but I was afraid." He paused and ran his hand through his hair, undoing Jaheira's earlier efforts. "I was afraid that if I asked you for too much, it…it would push you away."
Jaheira had flash of insight. She asked softly. "Like it pushed Dani away? And your father?" Anomen flushed and looked aside, but did not try to deny it. Jaheira put her arms around Anomen and rested her head on his shoulder. "I won't bother to make excuses for your father—no child should be treated as he treated you. But Anomen, Dani chose Kelsey because she loved him, not because you asked too much of her. You know that even now if you needed her she would help you out of friendship."
"Khalid taught me that when people care for other the give and take must go both ways. I knew Khalid loved me but it still took me a long time to learn that I could trust him, and should trust him to help me when I needed it."
"I am sorry if my fear was barrier between us, Jaheira; that was the last thing I wanted." Anomen smiled. "At least you will be here to tell me when I'm acting like a fool!" He pulled her close. "You will be, won't you?"
Jaheira laughed. "Anomen, if someone had told me a few months ago that someday I'd be lying in your arms and discussing our future together, I would have thought them completely mad. On impulse I seek out one night of passion and look what happens! And yet, these last few weeks my happiest times have been with you. You've made me feel whole again, for the first time since Khalid died. So yes, Anomen, I'll be here."
Anomen started to kiss her again, but she stopped him. "Please, Anomen, hear me out, there is something else I need to say." Jaheira took a deep breath to steady herself and continued. "I do care for you very much, and I want you to be part of my life, but I don't feel ready to be in love again, at least not yet. Is it enough for you to have a lover and a partner who is not sure of her heart?"
After she'd had her say, Jaheira saw much to her relief Anomen did not look angry or hurt, but thoughtful.
"I must admit have been very…chary of using that word myself since my last expressions of love were rebuffed. But I know I care for you very much, and that there is no one I would rather be with." Anomen must have seen the expression on Jaheira's face because he caught her eyes before continuing. "Before you ask, no, not even Dani. I yearned for her for a long time, even though she and Kelsey are obviously very happy together. But no longer. You are the one I want to see lying next to me when I awake in the morning. Please believe that."
"However, I think our relationship is still too new and untried for either of us to be comfortable with declarations of undying love. So yes, Jaheira, having you as my lover and my partner is enough for now."
Jaheira touched his cheek affectionately. "Perhaps, then, we can agree to share our lives for a time, and give our hearts a chance to decide the rest. But no more hiding and pretending. I want to get to know you outside this room! And I think that is the only way we will be able to decide where our hearts lie."
Anomen pulled her close. "My lady, I cannot tell you how I have longed to walk with you among the trees, or hold you, or laugh with you, not caring who sees us. Sometimes I thought I would go mad having to pretend there was nothing between us but indifferent friendship." Anomen grinned at her. "Besides, although being your lover is sweet enough, the envy of other men will make it all the sweeter, when they realize that the fair Jaheira is mine. You are mine, aren't you, fair Jaheira?"
"Yes, Anomen, I'm yours." Jaheira said, and kissed him as soundly and thoroughly as he had kissed her earlier.
A short while later, Jaheira looked up at Anomen to see an amused expression on his face. "Anomen, what is it?"
He grinned at her and lay back on the bed, with his hands behind his head. "Just imaging the looks on the faces of the others when we tell them about us. My lady, I think I am going to enjoy this."