Don't Let Go
Chapter Twenty: You Get My Senses Running Wild
A week later, Sarah missed coming home to find the Goblin King lounging on her bed, on against her dresser, stretched out catlike on the floor.
Two weeks later, Sarah missed the unnerving sensation she was being watched.
It took her another week to admit that she missed the bastard in every way.
"Canaret, if I ask you something, will you promise not to laugh?" Sarah asked as she leaned over the cafeteria table, her head bowed. The cafeteria bustled with people frantically shoveling down their food. Sarah's dark corner moved at a slower, more sedate pace as the blackness shifted imperceptibly to indulge in nourishment.
Canaret smiled. "Sure. I promise. What's up?" She brought her box of apple juice up to her mouth and sucked on the straw.
Sarah sighed, lifted her head up slightly, and then averted her gaze. Quietly, she asked,"How can you tell if you're really over your first love and all that you feel is lingering affection for them? Or how can you tell if you're still...well, if you never got over them?"
Canaret paused, pulling the straw out of her mouth as she considered her friend. Sarah looked weary, troubled, and very much confused. "This is serious, isn't it?" she asked softly.
Sarah nodded her head once and nibbled at her lower lip.
Canaret leaned forward. "Well, you're dating Christian now, right? His group's finally accepting that." She tilted her head and glanced at the elite circle scornfully. "The girls are apparently having hissy fits because they're all losing money in the betting pool about how long you'd last." That got a weak chuckle from Sarah, and Canaret smiled reassuringly. "Sarah, first loves are tricky. I have a question for you, then: Why did you start dating Christian?"
Sarah blinked. "Because I liked him," she said slowly. "You know this."
Canaret nodded. "Humor me, Sarah. What do you like about him?"
"He's cute," she admitted. "And he's fairly intelligent, friendly, considerate to some extent." Canaret raised a single eyebrow, and Sarah blushed. "Okay, when it's convenient he's considerate. He has nice strong hands that make me feel safe when I'm with him."
"Does he bear any resemblance to the guy who's your first love?"
Sarah shook her head, her lips quirking upwards at the thought. "They're as different as two people can be." She sighed, thinking. "He was...inconsiderate because he was considerate, mean because he wanted to be nice, smart enough to be outsmarted." Sarah shook her head. "He makes me feel safe because he's...well, he's a known terror." She smiled ironically. "And don't ask me to explain; it's a long, long story."
Canaret blinked. "Okay..." She sat back and studied Sarah. "So, Sarah, Christian makes you feel safe. This guy threatens you." Sarah nodded slowly. "So, is Christian a shield?"
"No!" Sarah exclaimed. She gripped the edge of the table tightly. "No, he's not a shield. I do like him for him." How could she not like the way his face lit up when she was around? How could she not like the sweet hugs, strong hands, the smile he had whenever he thought she was wonderful and strange and special?
"Yes, but is that due in part because he is, as you put it, safe?" Canaret watched as her friend reluctantly mulled over the idea. "Sarah, let me ask you another question: Who do you think of first and foremost?"
Sarah stilled. Then, slowly, she lifted her head up, trying very hard to smile and blinking back tears. "I messed up big time," she whispered, her voice creaking with ache and regret. "Just like I always do when it comes to him." She laughed weakly.
Canaret's eyes widened and she leaned forward, concerned. "Sarah?"
"I didn't want to admit it to myself," she continued absently, more talking to herself than to her friend. "I was still half mad with love for him, and nothing's ever scared me as much as that. I told him he had no power over me once, and he kept trying to show that I was the one with power over him.
"But in the end," Sarah's smile wavered,"He's the one with the power, after all." And she bent her head over and started weeping. She placed her face in her hands. "It's like he's all I can breathe, all I can hear, all I can feel and think and I've lost him for good this time." Canaret jumped up and slid into the seat next to Sarah, hugging her fiercely. "What am I going to do, Canaret?" She looked up, searching for answers.
Canaret swallowed, gazing at her friend's tear-stained face. "I don't know, Sarah. Can you talk to this guy?"
Sarah laughed hollowly. "I haven't seen or heard from him in three weeks. Before that, he was always around. Always. I couldn't get rid of him. Now he's gone." She sighed. "I can't do this to Christian. Maybe he's precisely what I need."
"Maybe," murmured Canaret. "But do you need Christian as a pillar of support or a catalyst for change, Sarah?"
The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.
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A/N: Mwahahahaha!!! Kept you guessing, for a while, ne?